In Progress Swordplay

So, this is the first chapter of the story I'm dubbing Swordplay for now. I wrote it in a bit of a different style than I normally do, so comments on the style would be nice.

Also, I know that there's a lot of missing details right now, like what the Sun Festival is and such. Starting in Chapter Two I'm going to start revealing more of that information, so please comment on what needs clarifying and explaining. =D Thanks guys!

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The shriek of steel grinding against steel made Josh wince painfully.

“No, Josh, you know better than that!” Matthew sounded exasperated. He stepped back from the fighting stance, the blade in his hand swinging gracefully down to his side.

Josh pulled away as well. His right arm collapsed, the chrome-colored sword clenched in his hand feeling like a sack of bricks. Stabbing it into the earth, Josh groaned and grasped his right arm with his left.

Matthew looked on disapprovingly. He carefully slipped his sword into a sheath strapped to the black belt around his waist. The sand-colored sheath masked the golden brilliance of Matthew’s sword. “What’s wrong with you today?”

Half-growling, Josh said, “I’m tired. There’s only so much practicing we can do in one day, Matthew!”

Any shred of sympathy that was left in Matthew’s eyes evaporated. “Obviously you need the practice if you can’t even avoid the dissonances!”

Josh’s arms swung out in rage. A throb of soreness burst into his sword arm. “It’d be easy if you let me rest!”

Matthew’s eyes blazed, and in one fluid second he was in Josh’s face, gripping the younger boy by the shoulders. His voice became soft and tense, fury crackling behind each syllable. “Listen to me. The Turning Sun Festival is in exactly two-” his hands tightened, sending aches running down Josh’s right arm, “-and a half-” Matthew’s fingernails dug through the light shirt into Josh’s skin, “weeks.” Matthew shook Josh once.

In retaliation Josh jerked back, trying to wrench himself free from Matthew’s iron grip. He didn’t try again after failing the first time; instead, he stared up at Matthew with eyes flashing venom.

“If we’re not ready in time for the Sun Festival, then everything we’ve been working on will have been pointless. Pointless!”

Josh rolled his eyes, refusing to look up again at Matthew’s reddening face.

“And this is my last year here. If we fail, I’ll never have this chance again.”

Oh, so it’s all about you now? Josh seethed, wanting nothing more than to break free and bury his sword ten miles underneath the tallest tree in the forest.

“So if you’re not going to do this for yourself, do it for me. Please.” Matthew’s voice almost softened on the last word, so Josh could almost think of him as the friend, the mentor, he had once been. Then Matthew gently released Josh, his hands lingering lightly for just a moment before he swiveled away and vanished into the woods.

Josh stood quietly, fists closed. He yanked his sword out of the ground, held it for a moment, then drove it back in. Frustration spiked through him as he tugged it out of the ground one more time, staggering backwards with the extra momentum. He jammed the blade into a thin sheath along his side, narrowing his eyes at the harsh grating it made. Then he stalked off into the darkening forest, pointedly going the opposite direction from Matthew.

~~~~~

Probably pretty short, but... comments please? ^^

Here's chapter two. Oh, and the Summer Festival has become the Turning Sun Festival, to avoid confusion. xD

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Chapter Two

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Josh had grown to enjoy the feeling of stomping off into the woods alone. He could pound his feet as hard as he was able, and no one could yell at him, because the soft thump they made on the dense leaves and moss was too quiet for anyone but the squirrels to hear. This pounding soon burned off his raw anger, and Josh sighed. He moved more slowly now, looking down and stepping over delicate plants and tree branches.

Josh didn’t know this trail very well; the path that Matthew had taken was the only one out of the clearing that Josh could describe without seeing it. He had a vague notion that the trail he was walking led to the Turning Sun Festival Grounds as well as the dorms where the sword-dancers stayed, but he couldn’t be sure.

The Turning Sun Festival was celebrated centuries ago as a farewell to summer and a welcome to autumn, as well as the year’s harvest. Farmers and townspeople alike worked to pick the season’s crop, and until the harvest was finished, all feuds and differences were set aside.

To Josh, the Sun Festival of ancient times was a joke. Working under the sweltering sun with no breeze and corn dust plastering your face was a lousy way to celebrate the year’s food.

Josh squinted in the fading light. Was that a fork in the path ahead, or was it just a poorly cleared section, tricksome in the twilight?

No, the Turning Sun Festival of his ancestors was not a festival at all. The modern Sun Festival, now that was a celebration.

In the past few decades, scientists had learned how to produce food ingredients from sunlight, and the modern day Turning Sun Festival celebrated the sun-food. The sun enriched all the food now produced; the old foods of ancient times were nothing to compare. Feasts, of course, were one of the main focuses of the festival. But sword-dancing had grown to rival even the cause of celebration.

Within a few more minutes of walking, the light vanished completely from the forest. Josh swore softly and unsheathed his sword. He concentrated on it, placing his left hand over the hilt. The sword shone feebly then, a pale aquamarine blue. The dim glow faintly illuminated the shape of the blade; the edges of the sword were soft and slightly rounded, and the flat of the blade was built to have three smooth planes, like a flattened six-sided pencil.

Josh grabbed a fistful of his shirt and tried to wipe the blade clean with it. For once, he felt a tinge of regret that he didn’t care for his sword the way Matthew did, and told him to.

After he finished cleaning the blade, he held it out in front of him. It shone just a bit brighter, like a glow-in-the-dark sticker beginning to fade. The light it shed was barely enough to illuminate what lay at Josh’s feet, but it would have to do.

Josh picked his way carefully through the forest, trying to follow what he could see of the trail. Twice he tripped over roots half-buried in the trail. Each time he fell into the dirt and very nearly stabbed himself with his sword. At least once, Josh felt like he was travelling in a circle.

When he finally found his way out of the forest, the moon was high in the sky and the stars twinkled in the spaces between clouds. Josh sheathed his sword and increased his pace. The trail had led to the edge of a small town. Wooden buildings, stores mostly, stood on either side of hard-packed dirt and stone roads, with plenty of room between the buildings, yet the design was not space-inefficient.

Josh strode down the road, his attention focused ahead of him. The road reached an intersection. To the right were more stores; far off he could see the Sun Festival Grounds. A few lonely tents were picketed in the grass before the sword-dancing stadium. Josh knew that, within the next two and a half weeks, the land around the stadium would be packed inch to inch with tents of both visitors and merchants.

On either side of the left road, stores slowly dropped away, to be replaced with small wooden houses and large, brick dorm buildings. Josh continued straight down the road. One large, two-story stone building spread out across the town as he drew closer. Its white and gray speckled bricks melded into one consistent color in the night. A polished wooden door was set into the stone. Josh opened it and entered the building.

Hallways met him, large and gracefully decorated. Polished oak carvings hung on the walls, depicting birds, swords, and, appropriately, an oak tree. Small tables stood in intervals along the hallway with wild plants and fresh flowers. Glowing stripes lined the ceiling, dimmed to respect those sleeping. Josh turned right and headed up a flight of stairs, then proceeded down the hall, passing doors similar to the one at the front of the building.

He stopped at a door with the golden number “52” engraved in it. Placing one hand on the cool doorknob, he hesitated; would Matthew have locked him out? Already fumbling for his keys in the left pocket of his brown pants, he turned the doorknob.

It twisted, and the door opened smoothly.

Well, it's certainly interesting. I like what you have here thus far.

The first 'part' you have so far had an interesting, attention-grabbing beginning there, and I wonder if we'll see any entertaining sword fights later on int he story. It was decent, but the pacing of it did feel althougether too fast for my liking - it was hard to feel for the characters with the fast pace use, and the beginning might have been a tad too aburpt for my liking. I feel it would have been better if you had shown more of the swordfight training itself, and give us slightly more about the characters there, which would in turn have extended the chapter. But otherwise good, IMO; just needs a bit of slowing down there.

The second chapter was better, I feel, and the pacing better as well - not too fast but steady. There were some nice pieces of description here and there was well (particularly of the sword which I quite liked, and the forest and buildings too were described decently), and good imagery. Kinda feels like a book, this writing TBH. Nothing too much to touch on, and there were no mistakes that I could pick up on inthat chapter. Maybe, again, the change of pace from the first chapter to the second was too great, but this could be fixed by slowing down the first chapter to a degree. I didn't encounter any grammar or spelling mistakes either, so good work on that.

Not much else to say really to round out this 'review', other then I look forward to seeing the next chapter and that I'll keep my eye on this. Good work thus far; keep it up :)

bobandbill said:

The first 'part' you have so far had an interesting, attention-grabbing beginning there, and I wonder if we'll see any entertaining sword fights later on int he story. It was decent, but the pacing of it did feel althougether too fast for my liking - it was hard to feel for the characters with the fast pace use, and the beginning might have been a tad too aburpt for my liking. I feel it would have been better if you had shown more of the swordfight training itself, and give us slightly more about the characters there, which would in turn have extended the chapter. But otherwise good, IMO; just needs a bit of slowing down there.

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Hmm, I've gotten a few other comments that the pace is too fast, as well. I think what I'm going to do is back up a bit and add a chapter in front of the rest. If it works out as I plan it to, there'll be less explaining to do in these few chapters, and more opportunity to learn about the characters since the basics of the world are already set. So while I'm not really slowing this scene down, it'll be easier to read at the speed that it's set. Hopefully. And hopefully that made sense. xD;

The second chapter was better, I feel, and the pacing better as well - not too fast but steady. There were some nice pieces of description here and there was well (particularly of the sword which I quite liked, and the forest and buildings too were described decently), and good imagery. Kinda feels like a book, this writing TBH. Nothing too much to touch on, and there were no mistakes that I could pick up on inthat chapter. Maybe, again, the change of pace from the first chapter to the second was too great, but this could be fixed by slowing down the first chapter to a degree. I didn't encounter any grammar or spelling mistakes either, so good work on that.

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Thanks for the compliments! ^^ I felt like this chapter was a little messy when I was writing it; hopefully writing the pre-chapter that I mentioned before will help straighten this out. I think it will... *goes to write it*

Not much else to say really to round out this 'review', other then I look forward to seeing the next chapter and that I'll keep my eye on this. Good work thus far; keep it up :)

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Thanks so much for the review! ^^