In Progress Following Footsteps- a Poke-FanFic

After my previous fanfic up and failed, I started anew. Here is the Prologue and First Chapter of the story:::
Credit to Psypokes for the Dex entries and [URL="http://www.serebii.net]Serebii[/URL] for making sure I don't screw up the movesets :)

Prologue: Background
Following Footsteps is a Pokémon fan fiction set in the Pokémon world and chronicles the adventures of childhood friends Hunter Peterson and Rose Taylor. Hunter’s tenth birthday is coincidentally the day Professor Oak holds a “Starter Day” for prospective trainers. His father was tragically and brutally killed in an accident on Mount Ember with a wild Moltres while trying to prove himself to the Viridian City Gym Leader, Gary. Hunter is driven by this and his adventure is just the next chapter in his father’s story and his father’s baseball cap is the sole reminder of why Hunter is a trainer.

Rose Taylor has been friends with Hunter practically since birth and is starting her journey with Hunter with the hopes of becoming a Contest trainer. Even though she could have started a couple months ago on her own, she wanted to wait until Hunter was eligible so they could travel together. Her sister is out traveling in Johto playing double, collecting ribbons and badges, and both Rose and her sister come from a line of Contest stars, their mother included.

The antagonists, Team Midnight Sun, have the stereotypical hopes to rule the world by capturing Mewtwo and the legendary birds (in their mind the strongest Pokémon) and forcing the people to obey. A simple run-in between Hunter, Rose, and the cronies cause bad blood to brew between the two parties. Following Footsteps is divided into books, one per region. This is Book One: Kanto Region.

Book 1: Kanto Region

Chapter 1: Into the Great Beyond
A warm summer day in Palette Town was half over, the sun beating down on berry plants and trees and a line of ten-year-or-older children looping through the streets of the town. Today was a big day and each child is awaiting their big chance: that one Pokéball, the one little metal red-and-white sphere that would give the kids (some weren’t actually kids, some held out a few years so that they were certain this was the career path they wanted or so that they could finish their schooling) an opportunity to see the world, to become one of the most respected people within the Pokémon community.

Hunter and Rose were two of the aspiring trainers somewhere halfway down the line, best friends since they were born. They had been standing there for a few hours now with the rest of the kids standing around them, the scenery changing like a still painting on a wall. A gentle breeze caressed the group. “So Hunter,” Rose said, breaking silence. “Which Pokemon are you going for?”

“I think I want Charmander because it’s fast and strong,” he responded, gazing into Rose’s sparkling ice blue eyes. He watched her auburn hair flutter in the warm breeze. “How about you?”

“Definitely Squirtle,” Rose said, looking up to meet Hunter’s eyes. Hunter stood tall and thin and towered over most 10-year old children. “It’s strong and cute, and it has Contest potential.”

“Good choice, but you know I’d beat you in a battle.” He chuckled.

“You do realize that I have a type advantage over you, right? See, I prepared. You lounged around like this is another day at school, not studying up on battle tactics, or the basics of Pokémon knowledge; nothing. No. Instead, you dozed off and slept in!” The pair spent the next hour in the same way, talking with each other, and meeting other Trainers, eager to hear their stories and getting tips from the other Trainers’ friends. Parents were standing at the doors of their houses and the lab, saying their goodbyes and wishing their children good luck on the journey of a lifetime. Some were ankle-deep in a sea of tissues, crying their hearts out, hoping their kids would always return and wishing that their children didn’t see them this way.

Noon had passed, Hunter and Rose were hungry, and they were about 60 feet away from Professor Oak’s Laboratory. They knew that if they got out of line, they’d have to wait another hour; another day; maybe even another year. They continued to talk in the same manner as the past hour, discussing plans for the journey and making friends that they’d probably meet again in a battle sometime. 60 feet later, they stood at the threshold of the lab. They took a deep breath and stepped into the establishment. Pushed forward by two lab assistants, they sped through the wide expanse of habitat, technological equipment, and shelves of various sizes and containing many convoluted materials and scribble-labeled binders. They made it to the back of the lab, where a sea of red and white spheres flowed throughout the walls on small shelves. Stacks upon stacks of red and pink devices were piled up on a back table, as organized as it could be for a day’s preparation among other things. An older man stood before them, his hair short, the color a mix of light brown and gray. “Why, hello there, young Trainers,” he began. “My name is Professor Oak. I understand you want your Pokémon, correct?” Oak paused after finishing that statement for what seemed to him to be the billionth time today. Hunter and Rose, too taken aback by the sheer enormity of the place and the magnitude of the event, nodded anxiously.

Oak chuckled. “Well, as you may know, you have three Pokémon to choose from: Bulbasaur, Charmander, and Squirtle.” As he spoke, he motioned to each Pokéball containing each Pokémon, also scribble-labeled.

“Well, which would you like?” Oak inquired.

“I’ll have Squirtle,” Rose said, squealing when Oak dropped the cold, metal sphere in her hands.

“Charmander, please,” Hunter proclaimed, trying hard not to be demanding and attempting to contain his erupting excitement.

“Before you leave I must give you these,” the Professor said, handing Rose a messenger bag-style backpack. Hunter received a single-strap backpack. “Inside there are 2 different items. 5 Pokéballs to catch Pokémon, and Pokédex to record Pokémon information. Now there are many more Pokémon than there are in the Kanto region. There are well over 500 in the world, with 151 of those native to this region. I don’t want to keep you waiting here any longer! Hurry! There’s so much out there for you to explore, so off you go!” Oak smiled as the two lab assistants hurried Rose and Hunter off to the great beyond of the Kanto Region.

“Hey, what’s that?” Hunter called out, stopping to point. Above them soared a massive fiery bird, crying out into the dusk.

“I don’t know, but it’s so majestic,” Rose awed. “Hey, help me set up camp. I know it’s still early but I don’t want to push ourselves too much on the first day.”

“Yeah, sure,” Hunter mumbled. What was that bird thing? He wondered as he began to set up the tent.

Well, story length leaves a bit to be desired, but it's a solid idea.

I felt you were rushing waay through the chapters, when you could so easily flesh out the little details.

OK. Thanks. I'll try to enlarge chapters over the next chapter or so.

NEW CHAPTER!!! It's still a little short, I will mention, but these are filler chapters. Please dont say "oh its too short" please tell me HOW i can improve.

EDIT 3/6/2011:Rewrite of shorter passages, cleaned up stupid mistakes.

Chapter 2: Under the Midnight Sun

The amber sun rose across the deep sea blue backdrop. Hunter got up, stretched, and staggered to a small lake, splashing some of the ice-cold water on his drowsy face. He stared at Rose’s face. Her ice blue eyes fluttered open to see Hunter staring almost dreamily at her. He jumped back in surprise, searching for an excuse. “What were you doing?” She demanded.

“Well, um…” He paused, searching desperately for some sort of excuse. “I…don’t know,” Hunter admitted.

“Well, don’t do it again,” Rose snapped, cranky from not only a difficulty (and lack of) sleeping, but also being immediately disturbed by Hunter. “Do you know what it’s like to wake up from a rough night sleep and then find someone just staring at you?” She proceeded to walk over to the pool of water, wet her hair, and then raked her fingers through it, shaking her hair like a dog straight out of a bath. She then put her reddish-brown hair in a ponytail. “I’ll get breakfast started,” she stated, then cut up some berries she was given by her mom before she left.

“I’ll let out our Pokémon; they need to eat, too.” Hunter let out both Charmander and Rose’s Squirtle, whom he was keeping for Rose’s sake. Both Pokéballs flashed open, emitting a metallic white beam, materializing into both the Pokémon. They cried out, and then ran to their respective food bowls. Rose, in a motherly fashion, placed a few quartered berry sliced into each bowl, then handed a few to Hunter, keeping a handful for herself.

Hunter looked down in dismay. “This is it?”

“It’s this or I starve; it’s all I got for now.” Rose began to nibble at the berry pile, her appetite taken by fear, anxiety, and overall nervousness. “We’ll eat something for real when we get into Viridian City.”

When everyone finished, Hunter recalled the Pokémon, returned Squirtle to Rose, and they both proceed down Route 1. About 5 feet ahead of them stood three men, dressed in all black, emblazoned with a purple sun and a black moon in the sun. The crunch of the leaves blew the young trainers’ cover, and the men whirled around. “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING HERE?” The first man bellowed. Short with a temper to match. It was a strikingly ironic personality.

“We…We…We were just walking by to the next town and we….we…” Hunter stuttered, stumbling over his words.

“Stop your babble; let’s get down to business.” The short man appeared to be the spokesperson for the group. “We’re Team Midnight Sun. You may call me Sonny.” The man called Sonny paused, most likely for effect. Rose suppressed a snicker. “We broke from Team Rocket years ago after realizing that our true potential could be reached on our own. We are tougher, stronger, meaner, and more devious.” He raised a hand holding a metallic red and white sphere. It opened, and a ray of light materialized into an eyeless bat. Rose help up her Pokédex. A masculine voice emanated from the machine.

“Zubat,” the Pokédex said. “The Bat Pokémon. Forms colonies in perpetually dark places. Uses ultrasonic waves to identify and approach targets.”

“Zubat, huh? I’ll play this game. Charmander, let’s go!” Hunter exclaimed. The sphere cracked open, releasing the blue turtle. It cried out and prepared itself. It reared, then shot forward, lunging to strike. Zubat countered, iridescent white spikes shooting out at Charmander. This attack, according to Sonny’s commands, was called Leech Life. “Charmander, jump!” On its trainer’s command, the ocean-hue turtle sprang into the air. It was too slow. The white shards had already gotten to Charmander. Charmander fell to the ground, unmoving. Hunter held up his Pokéball. A red beam of light shot out, forming into a Charmander shape, then retreating to the Pokéball.

Sonny cackled. “I’m too tough for you, twerp. See you never!” He and his cronies ran off into the distance.

“What losers,” Rose said, her auburn ponytail flailing in the breeze. “Let’s get on with the show.” They headed off into the sunlight, the façades of buildings- some skyscrapers- looming above. The scene was like an old western movie, the two young trainers representing the cowboys, the urban façade the sunset.

I really enjoy the dialog of this story, and the second chapter showed much improvement in pacing than the first chapter.
However, I think you need to do two things: when describing something try to think of something other than colors, as you describe the color of things but not much else. Another thing I feel would be good for your fanfic would be to "show, not tell". We are narrated through interesting things instead having you describe them to us as if we were there.
Example:
"Hunter, who turns ten the day he gets his Pokémon, is inspired by his dad, who passed away on Mt. Moon in an accident with a Moltres."
Instead of telling us all this why not show it? Like have Hunter say something like "I hope I can be a great Pokemon trainer like my father!" (not exactly, but you get the point) or show us a brief scene where he gets the news of his father's passing, or his father's death. This dramatic scene of a lost fight for survival or deliverance of news of a loved one's death could make us feel Hunter's pain and suck us into the story. But at the moment, the Prologue reads like a summary, which isn't a good thing.
I hope this helps you, best of luck on the fanfic!

thanks a lot, Eloi.

Also, an apology for the delay, as I haven't had a lot of time to work on any fun stuff with homework and all =(

I think SonicNintendo's fic was boring

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The sun shone warmly and kindly upon the suburban town tucked in the corner of the mountains, the humble Palette Town. The scattered rays of the glow of sunrise glistened upon the morning dew, catching upon the bright, deep reds and vibrant blues of the berry plants and the vivid green of the forest in its summer foliage. Despite the unusually early hour, an entire mob of children poured into the streets, like steel filings to a magnet, the magnet being the tallest and most modern-looking building in the town. Their hands clenched the air, some already making fists to hold the imaginary treasure that awaited them at the glass laboratory of Professor Oak.

One of the young boys grinned widely at a girl tagging just behind him. His fierce eyes met her cool blue ones. The girl gave him a faint smile. Already, her auburn hair and her sharp eyes had marked her as a beauty, although most of the children running past her were too young to appreciate her looks in -that- way. Yet even Hunter, another one of the young boys dreaming of Pokeballs and glory, knew that her one year's head start had granted her something of maturity and worldliness that he hadn't accomplished yet- although he would never admit to her that he was jealous or anything like that. Boys should never tell girls those things, he decided.

"So, Hunter," quipped Rose. Her hair, still frizzy with sleep, glittered hues of crimson in the sunlight as she swept it neatly into a ponytail with a practiced motion. "Do you know which Pokemon you want?" she prodded with a knowing look. She didn't even need to ask; she'd known Hunter for so long that his love of strength and speed could only leave one adequate choice.

"I think I want Charmander because it's fast and strong!" he declared in his boyish, high-pitched voice. Rose hid a small chuckle. As if just realizing that she was next to him, he quickly added "How about you?"- in order not to appear rude. Boys should never be rude to girls either, his mom told him yesterday. At first Hunter thought this was unfair, but then he figured that being nice to Rose was probably okay.

"Definitely Squirtle," Rose responded decisively. "It's strong and cute, and it has Contest potential."

"Not when it becomes a big ugly Blastoise- but good choice, but you know I'd beat you in a battle," declared Hunter, puffing out his small chest. Rose laughed, and tactfully decided not to crush his hopes by reminding him of his woefully holey knowledge of type disadvantages. Let him have his moment of glory while he still can, she thought with an evil twinkle in her eyes.

-----

This story is boring

^ Your criticism is boring.
That, and not very constructive. Why not tell the aspiring author what was wrong? What did you find so boring? If you are going to be negative, at least explain what is wrong. I see much improvement in between chapters. He is getting better with each one he releases. If you discourage 'em without being helpful, we may never see his full extent of his writing abilities. Everybody starts somewhere, and if you help and explain whats wrong instead of dismissing without a second thought, your review might actually have a point.
At the moment, its just one or two sentence bashing.

First, thank you Eloi.
Second, thank you Keta. I like how you showed me an example of what you want. However, Eloi's right. I do want constructivity (is that a word?).

Chpt. 3 coming hopefully by February. Maybe I'll stick to one a month. I dunno.

Okay.

I have absolutely no idea what Hunter looks like in my head. I guess this is unimportant to the author, to inform the readers what the main character of this story even looks like. I don't know what Rose looks like until Chapter 2. Until then she is a faceless and voiceless apparition in my head. I do know what Professor Oak looks like as should any good Pokemon fan, but at least spare him some description, describe and convey his (hopefully) genial and intelligent personality to the readers.

Your description is listing a series of facts. It is noon. The main characters are hungry. Life is slick and swell. I can read facts. If I want to read facts I will go to a dictionary. If I want to read interesting "facts", I will go to tvtropes, snopes, or MLIA. Honestly your story does not catch anyone's interest at all, except maybe Eloi and yourself.

What are your characters like? Rose goes for a Pokemon's looks and wants a pretty Pokemon for contests. Hunter is self-confident and concerned with battling. This is like any generic stereotype of a 10-year old Pokemon trainer. It is not a bad thing, just a boring thing. Who cares about another snotty little kid who seems to think he can beat a girl's Squirtle with his Charmander? (also noting that Squirtle has higher defense, Charmander has higher attack, Squirtle has a type advantage- so it should even out to Squirtle's win in a strategic battle)

The twosome had a big journey ahead of them, so they walked out down Route 1 and set up camp. So. When I used to walk down Route 1, back in the days in which I played Pokemon, I got nipped and ambushed by Rattatas, Pidgeys, or Caterpies without fail. Not to mention that this is boring too. I mean, nothing ever occurs as simply "The girl got her Pokemon and went on her journey." People meet problems on their journey, and stuff happens. I think you are just taking the lazy route out.

You could use this as an opportunity to do things like "oh no! their first Pokemon battle(s)!" or "oh! character development! conversations between Rose and Hunter"- the latter of which could be like "oh no! Hunter is arguing with Rose!" or "oh! Rose is scared of the bug Pokemon" or "oh! Hunter is having an argument with his Charmander". Or you could leave it alone and the readers will be like "wat".

Ending the first chapter like that is like ending Harry Potter with "Harry Potter got on the Hogwarts Express and went home." Or ending Warriors with "The cats went home." Or ending Eragon with "And so Eragon set out with Saphira to kill Galbatorix." Or ending Artemis Fowl with "Artemis decided to earn a lot of money." Honestly, no one is happy by that ending, no one is entertained, no one is interested.

Again, I understand if your goal is not to interest people. That is fine. Write whatever story you like. You'll have Eloi for company, which is nice. But your story is generic, uninteresting, and not very developed. The characters are as flat as pancakes. Just because people are familiar with Pokemon here doesn't give you license to skip over describing things that happen, or avoiding adding more detail to it.

Want me to write up a critique of the second chapter? Or do you think you've got it covered, or do you think you'd like me to shut up so you can write your boring story? :)

As eloi said, I'm progressing. so SHUT UP AND LET ME WRITE MY DARN NOVEL.
---release of chapter 3 coming withing first week of February---

Chill out, man. You said that you wanted constructive criticism; that's what Keta gave you, however blunt. Her first review was awful, but there is some good advice in her second if you can look past the patronizing tone.

If you disagree with what she said in her review or the way that she said it, then you can certainly disagree with it in some form or ask for clarification. "SHUT UP AND LET ME WRITE MY DARN NOVEL" is really not the mature way to handle this situation, though. I suggest you consider the points that Keta made and, if you don't want to receive reviews like that in the future, try asking her politely not to review you any more once you've calmed down.

i apologize to keta. no excuses. I am taking what keta said because i can improve because i can only get better. so, again, keta, i'm sorry and i'll definitely begin to include your advice.

I just got a FanFiction.net account, so by the weekend, I'll have a revised edition of the Fanfic, although I'm still trying to figure it out, so it may not work. I'll link it to you in an edit.

Here's your Chapter 3:::(it's really long)
Chapter 3: Prime Viridian
With a pale blue sky and a mountain chain of skyscrapers cutting the sky, Rose and Hunter trudged on, their goal looming before them. Hunter figured that by tonight they would reach Viridian City and be able to lodge there while they plot out their course. Both knew that victory over their first challenge was so close, yet so far away. “The sun’s going down,” Rose said. “We should eat again and set up camp for the night.”

“But we’re so close to Viridian City and we’ll get there by nightfall,” Hunter complained. Rose was always so cautious, he thought. She needs to learn to push her limits.

Rose agreed, but tried to compromise. “We’ll continue, but if night comes and we’re not there, we’re camping.”

“Whatever.”

The pair trudged on, minute after minute dragging on, each slower than the last. A small speck of deep purple silently echoed through the sky. Sunset. One little thing gave them the will to move on. A sign clearly marked “Welcome to Viridian City” was in front of them. They sprinted to it and into the bustling city. No directions were necessary because the Pokémon Center was directly adjacent to them, but the buildings and foot traffic were intimidating and taunting. Panting, they ran through the doors. “Welcome to the Pokémon Center,” a lady said. She had pinkish hair and a smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts. Her apron- or at least what appeared to be an apron- complemented her nicely. “How may I assist you today?”

“We’re new to this whole traveling thing,” Rose began. “And we’re wondering if you could show us around the facility.” The nurse, called Joy, nodded and then motioned around the floor.

“We are on the first floor,” she stated. “This floor is generally the same for all Pokémon Centers around the globe. These are video phones. Here, you can use just the phone to make a call, or treat it as a webcam and have an audio/video chat with anybody around the world. Opposite the video phones, you have a computer area to check your email, or do other stuff you kids do these days. Public restrooms are on every floor. In front of the front desk, we have a small seating area. Most trainers will lodge here for the night if they don’t need a bed or if they just want to leave the next morning. However, the sleeping area is up on the third floor here. Behind me is the medical center.” She directed them to two swinging doors. “However, you can’t enter unless absolutely necessary. We will continue up to the second floor, but first, are there any questions?”

“Can you heal up Charmander after the tour?” Hunter asked.

“We’ll do it right now for both of you. Chansey! Chansey, where are you?” A pink, egg-shaped creature emerged from the medical center with the same getup as Nurse Joy. “Chansey,” it said.

Rose pulled out her Pokédex. “Chansey,” it said, its familiar monotone drawl echoing throughout the halls. “The Egg Pokémon. It lays several eggs a day and won't share them with those who have evil in their hearts.”

“There you are. Chansey, can you take these to the medical center and get them all fixed up and ready to go?” The walking egg nodded and waddled off with Charmander and Squirtle in hand. “Now that that’s all taken care of, let’s proceed on with the tour.” She beckoned for the duo to come.

“This is the second floor. Eating facilities are here, with home-cooked meals you can’t get anywhere else. Public showers are here also with the restrooms. Let’s continue up to the third floor.” Joy opened a door and let them pass.

“This is the top floor of the Viridian Pokémon Center. These are all sleeping quarters with two bunk beds, and a full bathroom. There is also a small library with some books which cannot be taken out of the building, and some more computers. Also, in every Center, there is a directory. Next time, I would have read that, but it’s okay. I’ll let you on your way now, but don’t forget to grab your Pokéballs on your way out, all right?”

“Thanks, Nurse Joy,” Hunter said, running his hand through his dark, brown-almost-black hair. “Oh, before I forget, can you give us a room for the night?” Joy nodded, handing Rose a key marked 15. “It’s only for one night, and the total for the room is 500 Poké,” she mentioned to Rose. With a wave, Joy and her pink hair headed back to the main counter.

“Why does she have to give you the key?” Hunter whined.

“It’s because I’m better at keeping track of things. Most females are. Just look at the
way that Nurse Joy keeps the place.”

“And like most girls, you think you’re better than most guys, so just shut up and we’ll be on our way.”

“Whatever. Can we get something to eat?”

“Not yet. I want to check out the Gym.” Rose shrugged off the thought; she just wanted some food and shelter, but she knew that Hunter was as stubborn as ever.


Outside, the sun was beating down heavily. The streets of Viridian City were bustling with energy. People everywhere had some sort of aura about them that wasn’t there yesterday when they arrived. As the up and coming trainers forced their way through the crowds, the streets became hotter and hotter, until it felt desert-hot. Almost miraculously, an Air Conditioned Pokémon Gym came near. They looked down to see a man with raggedy clothes and an unkempt hairdo in front of them. His cap was pushed under their noses. “People, can you spare me some dollars?” He rasped, clearing his throat.

“Um, sure, I’ve got 100 on me,” Hunter responded, digging through his pockets, handing
the man 100 Poké.

“I’ve got 50 I can give,” Rose said, handing him the money.

“Thank you, people with magnanimity in their heart! I can buy me some cheap grub now!” The man exclaimed as he walked away.

“Do you speak hobo?” Rose asked inquisitively.

“No. Do you?” Hunter replied.

“No. That’s why I asked.”

“Let’s just shrug it off and go. I’ve got a Gym to tackle.”

“We’ll do it tomorrow. Let’s rest up.”

“But-” was all Hunter got in before he was dragged off by Rose to the Pokémon Center.

LINK WILL BE RIGHT HERE for the revised edition (hopefully)

I don't come on this forum on a regular basis; just when I am bored. Well, I've got some time to kill right now, and it looks like you've asked for it. :)

I used to have a fanfiction.net account. My username was Ketaikeon. I wouldn't call this a "really long chapter". When I used to write fanfiction, every one of my chapters was around 2,000 words; yours is about 1,100. So, again, just an observation of mine- your standards are low .

The first paragraph is okay. Again, it's a sudden drop into the situation of Rose and Hunter walking around round in a city. When someone makes a movie of Harry Potter- no, they do not do a 30-second strip of Harry's life at the Dudleys and his miraculous journey into platform 9 3/4. The things that happened between birth and school were critical to his growing up, do to events and things that built up over time. But, it's not like it's a terrible thing to do. I mean, it's a possible route to go. Like in the movie Up; that reel did a very nice job. It gave important background to the story, with substance, and did not waste time. So, in that space of time between.. wherever in the woods and Viridian, no change in feelings, no human interaction occurred? It's like pressing the fast-forward button and missing the conversation bits that might build up to a love confession scene. It's character development that may have happened there, and if not, it's an example of Rose and Hunter's relationship and budding... partnership in their Pokemon journey. That didn't happen, and we got a fast-forward clip towards Viridian.

On the other hand, this first paragraph is basically slow "telling". Have you heard of "show, don't tell?" I can see you trying, but simply listing Rose and Hunter's thoughts, and summarized thoughts no less, is still telling things. Showing, in this case, could be like "My legs are burning like there's no tomorrow... gosh it feels long, but man, I still have so much further left to go." Something more uch more personal and meaningful than "both knew that victory of their challenge was so close, yet so far away".

Next major paragraph. Uh, okay, "the buildings and foot traffic were intimidating and taunting". I know people intimidated by babies because they cry too loudly. I 've been seen people can't really understand how a city looks "taunting", because when I see "taunt" I have a habit of thinking of the SSB Brawl moves or the Pokemon move. So, there's no image in my head.

"A lady said". Her hair is "pinkish". What, so you can't even decide whether Nurse Joy has pink hair? Also, the "show don't tell " business earlier. Normally there's lots of substitutes to "said", such as "informed" and "greeted" that convey much more data and possible room for imagination. Do what you like with that.
Okay again. The description is less than satisfactory for me to draw a great picture in my head. "Bustling with energy"- like a powerplant? and what is "aura"? I can't see aura, I'm not Lucarion. :<

So, this is all I can give in terms of mechanics . Your story is pretty good; I'm a bit sleep-deprived so if there were any major grammar points, you've lost me there.

So, as an overall story, no, I did not particularly enjoy reading it that much. The hobo bit was to me is like when I type "lol" in a chat; I
'm not laughing or smiling in real life, but it was slightly amusing. But to me, you're basing Hunter too much off Ash; Rose too much off Misty. Replace the names and replace their appearances. What you're writing is not too far from a basic Ash-Misty, like-dislike relationship between little kids who are friends. Uh, okay. Have fun with that.

thanks keta. the chapter was long for me, but i see what youre getting at. I am trying to implement show don't tell, but since this was pretty much done as I posted it, it never happened. The whole Ash-Misty thing- I see. As in- "I see what I can now do to change this".

Couple more hours before I can put up the revised edition on FanFiction.net.

also, Keta~ you understood the weak humor with the hobo bit: I feared nobody would!

One thing. The FanFiction.net thing won't let me upload my story, so I don't think that the link is going to happen.

Chapter 4 hopefully out by Mid-February

Don't know why I keep doing this, but somehow, it feels necessary.
The next chapter is scheduled for the end of the month. Due to a major National History Day project, there may be a delay. Thanks.

It's about time I got this up. I don't usually get a lot of time to write.
---
Chapter 4: Legend of the Father

“How much longer until the Gym? My feet are practically falling off,” Hunter whined.

“You were the one who wanted to go, so don’t blame me. I told you that we should have waited until tomorrow so we could sleep,” Rose shot back, giving him her trademark “I told you so” look.

“Wait, I think I see it!” The Viridian Gym was a stone-and-brick building with the Earth Badge, a leaf figure colored a deep, mossy green, erected above the door. Under the badge the words “Viridian City Gym” was written. Hunter mustered up all the strength he had left and sprinted for the Gym door. Rose trudged behind.

The door opened and a man, about 16 years of age with long light brown hair stood before them. The Earth Badge glistened on his jacket. “Welcome to the Viridian City
Gym,” he said. “May I see your badges?”

Hunter looked at him with an inquisitive stare. “Badges?”

The boy nodded. “Badges are acquired when you defeat the Gym Leader of the town to show to the next Gym that you are worthy of challenging it,” he said, removing a small case which opened to show eight tiny Gym Badges, which glinted off the lights. “When you have seven Gym Badges, you may challenge here to get your eighth and final. Until then, you may train here to hone your strength. I can assist you, if you wish.”

Hunter soaked up the information, then spoke. “I would appreciate you training me, but first, where is the first gym?”

“In Pewter City,” the boy responded, Rose scribbling notes in the map Oak had given them. “My name is Logan. If you follow me, we can get right to training for your Pewter Gym battle.” Hunter silently nodded yet again and walked off with Rose and Logan.

They had arrived at the training center by noon. Logan trotted off to the opposite end of the room. “Nidoking, let’s go!” He threw a Pokéball, cracking open to reveal a large, purple creature. It bellowed. Meanwhile, Rose had cracked open her Pokédex.

“Nidoking,” it said, its familiar robotic voice echoing through the small hut-sized room. “The Drill Pokémon. Its steel-like hide adds to its powerful tackle. It’s horns are so hard, they can pierce a diamond.”

Hunter’s eyes widened. “Oh my gosh,” he gasped. “Charmander, good luck!”

Rose shrugged. “If you can’t beat them, join them. Squirtle, here we go!”

Logan knew the look on Hunter’s face. “I’ve seen that look before,” he said, gazing out from behind his tall, purple-and-steel-clad bodyguard. “That fire in your eyes… I’ve seen it before.”

“Are you sure it’s not the reflection of Charmander’s tail?” Hunter asked.

“No.” He smiled, a response to the sarcasm of Hunter. “Do you know a Richard Peterson?” Logan responded.

Hunter nodded. “He’s my dad.”

“I have something to tell you. Why your dad exactly went to fight the Moltres that killed him.” He crossed his legs and sat.

“You see,” he began, “your father had beaten both the Kanto and Johto Gym system and had placed Top 10 in the respective Elite Four tournament league. His dream was to live at home in Palette Town and work as a Gym Trainer in this Gym. We had him rematch against Gary, the leader, and Gary’s only response was that your dad should be stronger before he could fathom a chance at working here.

“With that, your father went the Sevii Islands- Mt. Ember, more specifically- to train against the ultimate foe in your dad’s eyes and that was Moltres.” Hunter’s eyes widened. Was that what that bird was on Route 1? He questioned to himself.

“The battle, from what a friend of mine said, was amazing. Richard’s passion burned and he had the same fiery look in your eyes. When his Pidgeot fainted- that’s the Pidgeot that circles around the roof of your house- he wasn’t fast enough to counter with another Pokémon and the Moltres got him with the strongest Fire Blast ever and,” there was a tear in his eyes, “that was it. My friend told me and I told your mom who told you. So let’s get to training. I’m going to make sure that you cream Gary for everything your dad wanted to do!” Logan wiped away a tear from his eye and retreated behind his massive purple lizard-shield. “Let’s start. Nidoking, use Poison Sting! Rose, have Squirtle spin in its shell. Hunter, have Charmander use Ember on Squirtle while it spins. Don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work; it’s a very advanced strategy, but a priceless and useful one. And…GO!” Nidoking unleashed a storm of metallic shards. Squirtle retreated into its shell, jumped and spun. As Charmander gave a flame good enough for any novice Trainer, Hunter couldn’t help but realize how close this was to his first face-off at Route 1 against Sonny. He looked up.

“Hunter, stop daydreaming and work with me,” Rose said, fuming. “You were supposed to direct Charmander, but instead, I pulled off the entire stunt!”

Logan chimed in. “Rose, you’re into all that Contest stuff, right?” She nodded. “You can use this in the Performance portion of Contests. Performances are the qualifying round in Contests. It will determine whether you move into the main game. Try it once more, and then we move on to a variation. And…GO!” The day wore on, Logan drilling the tactic into the pair’s brains as well as their Pokémon’s. When evening fell, Logan brought Nidoking back to its Pokéball and walked up to meet Rose and Hunter. “Good work, guys. I think that with a little more practice, you can get it down. I never went over the variation. Here’s how it works: Squirtle spins and deflects the attack. Charmander adds a fire Special attack like Ember with the attack to add the extra damage. Try it out next time. Get some rest. You’ve deserved it. Good luck on the rest of your journey, blah, blah, blah.”

“Thanks again, Logan,” Rose replied.

“Hope to see you in 8 Badges,” Hunter put in, smiling. The two exited the Gym and walked back to the Pokémon Center, heads held high, to a well-deserved meal and night of rest before trekking off to Pewter City.

“This seems longer,” Rose whined.

“It’s because you’re tired.”

“And you’re not?”

“No. Look. There’s the Pokémon Center door. Go to the second floor and doze off.” Rose burst through the doors, collapsing on her knees, breathing heavily. Nurse Joy looked up. “Are you alright?” She inquired.

“She’s fine,” Hunter responded. “She’s just tired from today. We’re headed up to our room now.”

“Okay, well, good night then.” Rose struggled to her knees, staggering like a drunk to her room. After a long, grueling climb up the stairs, Rose clawed her way to her bed and flipped out her journal. She wrote:

“Today is the first time I can write in my journal since we left. Squirtle is adorable! It never lets me forget the challenge to come and it always puts a smile on my face. This afternoon we trained with Viridian City Gym’s Logan and he showed me and Hunter this neat little tactic. I can’t wait to use in my first Contest appearance. Logan spoke of a “fiery passion” that occurred in Hunter’s dad’s last battle. I don’t know, though.

“It’s a desperate-sounding comment, but I wonder if Hunter likes me. I like him. I don’t want him to know yet though. I worry that if I tell him, he’ll hate me or something. I think that we could be a pretty good couple, him and I. This is all I can say now. We’ll be heading off to Pewter City tomorrow. Good night.” Rose closed her notebook, pressing it to her heart as she laid back to sink in her pillow. Today was a good day, she thought, closing her eyes and drifting away to sleep to Hunter’s snores.

Hunter tossed and turned. His eyes opened to a mountainous scene. A man with hair like Hunter’s and fiery blue eyes stood across from a large, flaming bird. The man sent out a Pidgeot to battle. Is that my dad? Hunter thought. Fighting Moltres? He tried to scream out, but nothing happened. Moltres shot out a massive flaming spiral. Pidgeot reeled back, and collapsed. Hunter’s dad fumbled to grab Pidgeot’s Pokéball as well as another one containing another ally, but Moltres was too fast. Hunter tried to lunge forward to get his father, but his feet were lead-heavy and he couldn’t move. He tried to scream again. Nothing. Why can’t I move or talk? Hunter thought. I must be dreaming. Moltres had let loose with a Sky Attack. Moltres hit Hunter’s father square in the chest. He continued to soar backwards, a stunningly chilling death flight that would take Richard Peterson to his doom. Hunter shut his eyes, trying to wake up. He did this repeatedly until…

Where am I now? Hunter thought. He looked up. Moltres was parallel to him, rearing back to launch Sky Attack. Great job Hunter, you put yourself in your dad’s spot, he said, reprimanding himself. He looked up again. Moltres cried out, a screeching assassination cry that would bring Hunter to his doom. He looked down to shield himself from the beast’s gaze. He looked up again, just before the flaming bird speared him.

Hunter’s eyes shot open again. “I’m alive?” He felt himself all over. “I’m alive!”

Rose yawned, woken up by Hunter’s rambling. “Of course you’re alive.”

“You don’t get it. I had this dream, and…”

“Yeah, that’s great. You can tell me in the morning. It’s…” Rose looked at the
clock. “Two in the morning. Go back to bed,” she finished, emphasizing “go back to bed”.

“But-”

“But nothing. We leave for Pewter in the morning.”

I have to into a one chapter a month or less thing. Summer Coming, here's to many writing opportunities!


Chapter 5: Caterpie in the Sky

Rose awoke at dawn, yawned, and stretched. She plodded into the bathroom, closed and locked the door behind her and turned on the shower. The heat of the water fogged up the mirror and window in the bathroom. She got in and sighed. My first real shower since I left for the journey, she thought, letting the warm water cascade over her body. She grabbed a bar of soap and began to lather herself.

Meanwhile, Hunter’s eyes blinked open. He lay there, staring at the bottom of the empty bed above him. The shower water made a pitter-patter of rain. Maybe I should just go back to sleep, Hunter contemplated. But Rose would kill me. Upon thinking this, Rose opened the bathroom door, letting out a blast of hot air and steam, giving a fog machine appearance. “Rose, I thought you were taking a shower,” Hunter pointed out.

“I was, but I finished,” Rose stated. “I forgot to get my clothes to change. Why don’t you go take a shower so I can change in private.”

“Well, I wasn’t planning on looking anyway.”

“Yeah, whatever. Just do it before I leave without you.”

“Just do it before I leave without you,” Hunter mimicked, rolling his eyes. He stepped into the bathroom, locking the door and grabbing a towel out of the closet. Hunter preferred a colder shower than Rose, but not so cold that it was freezing. Just cold enough to wake him up.

After Hunter got out of the shower, he dressed and he and Rose headed down to the café to eat breakfast. Rose looked over behind Hunter to see a familiar face. A man, sixteen or so, with long, brown hair. “Logan?” She said, breaking the silence of her and Hunter’s quiet table.

The man wheeled around seeing Rose’s face. “Hey, long time no see, right?”

Rose chuckled. “Yeah, what? Only eight hours?”

Hunter turned. “Logan! Long time no see!”

Rose’s expression changed from “excited to see Logan” to “Hunter, you’re such a moron”. “Hunter, where’ve you been?”

“Here.”

“Just shut up.”

“Why?”

“Ugh, just shut up.”

“You just said that.”

“HUNTER!”

“So, anyways,” Logan said, breaking up the bickering. “What brings you here?”

“Breakfast before Viridian Forest and Pewter City,” Rose responded.

“First Gym badge, here I come!” Hunter declared. The waitress-Chansey waddled over to Hunter and Rose’s table. A beeping noise emanated from next to them. Logan dug around his pockets and picked up his phone. Staring at it, he rolled his eyes, hurriedly got up, smiley and waved without a word, and left.

Chansey set down the last of the plates of steaming hot food while Nurse Joy burst through the café door, making a beeline for Rose and Hunter’s table. “Hunter! Good thing you didn’t leave yet. I got this package in the delivery today.”

Hunter opened the box, eyes as opened as someone eating a triple-decker sandwich. A paper was produced atop a mound of Styrofoam pieces. He read it aloud. “Hunter,” he began. “I was cleaning out the attic and came across your father’s old baseball cap he used to wear during his own Pokémon adventure. I thought you may want it. I’ll talk to you soon, and if I don’t, keep it up, whatever you’re doing, wherever you are. Love, Mom.” He set the letter down on the table and dug through the foam pieces. “Wow,” Hunter breathed, pulling out a black baseball cap. Embroidered on the front was a red and white Pokéball. He put it on his head, shoving it down. “How does it look?” He inquired.

“It looks really nice on you,” Rose complimented, admiring Hunter’s looks. “But we’d better go. Finish breakfast and hurry up, because we have quite the walk to Pewter City.”

Hunter nodded, shoveling the last of his food in his mouth. “Okay, let’s go,” he mumbled through mouthfuls of cereal. He stood up and strode out of the eatery.
Rose lingered behind, waiting for the Chansey running around carrying the dirty-dish tray, placing the dishes and utensils in the bin. “Thank you,” she said. “Make sure you tell Nurse Joy that, too, OK?”

“Chansey!” Chansey responded, and waddled off to finish its job. Rose walked, rather quickly, out of the cafeteria.

“Boys,” she sighed.

Hunter was waiting outside. “Man, where is she?” Hunter thought aloud.

Rose burst through the main doors, shoving everyone out of the way. “Hunter!” She exclaimed, catching her breath. “Why’d you run off?”

“Because we needed to go. You said so.”

“Well, not at that very second! At least wait for me.”

“Why? It is necessary I wait for you for everything? We’re probably not going to travel together for the entire four regions.”

“So? Courtesy.”

“Whatever.”

“Whatever,” Rose mimicked, walking down the asphalt road, Route 2 in sight.

“Where’d she go now?” Hunted thought, sprinting down the road following a girly figure.


Minutes passed, trees passed by, and the scenery grew old and boring. The sun beat down directly, attacking the pair. There was no shade leading up to the ominous forest ahead. The only change in scenery: a small cavern.

Hunter looked back and forth, as if to memorize the constant scenery. “These Pokéballs are weighing me down,” he stated. “There’s nothing to catch. If only-”

Rose covered Hunter’s mouth. “Shut up,” she whispered. “Did you hear that?”

Hunter broke from Rose’s grasp. “No. Hear what?”

“That rustling. It came from above.”

“I didn’t hear anything. Maybe you’re hallucinating.”

“I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure I-” Another movement. “There it is again.”

“I heard it this time. Walk faster, but don’t run. Don’t want to startle it.”

“You scared?”

“Just a little.”

“Me too.” The trees rustled more violently and a green worm with a red Y-shaped antenna on its head dropped out of the tree ahead of Hunter and Rose. It cried out, a sort of whine that could be replicated by sustaining a tone with your mouth open.

“Aw,” Rose said, “It’s so cute!” She reached out to touch it and the bug sprayed out a cloud of gas.

“Ew, that smells gross,” Hunter said, crinkling his nose and reeling back. “But what is it?” He pulled out his Pokédex.

“Caterpie,” The electronic index said. “The Worm Pokémon. For protection, it releases a horrible stench from the antennae on its head to drive away enemies.”

“Well I’m going to catch you,” Rose declared. “Squirtle, let’s catch it!” The tossed the Pokéball, cracking open and materializing into the blue turtle. “Squirtle, use Bubble!”

“Squirtle!” Squirtle replied, letting out a jet of bubbles, hitting Caterpie square on.

Caterpie backed up and launched itself at Squirtle. Squirtle jumped out of the way, and

Caterpie landed on its back, vulnerable to virtually anything.

Rose’s adrenaline was surging. “SQUIRTLE!” She screamed. “Bubble and Tackle!”
Squirtle leaped in the air, dive-bombing for the green bug-type. A surge of bubbles flew at Squirtle, cloaking the tiny reptile, hopefully blocking Caterpie’s view. Caterpie remained on the ground, struggling to flip over. A stream of liquid spheres hit the worm as a little blue body crashed into the small green figure, weakening it to the point that it almost toppled over. “This is my chance!” Rose exclaimed, drawing out a Pokéball. “Guess I’m going for broke,” she thought aloud, tossing the sphere. It hit Caterpie on the forehead, cracking open and capturing the Pokémon. The red-and-white sphere violently shook about, Rose tensing with each motion. “Come on,” she urged it. “Just stop moving.” As if on command, the Pokéball beeped and it stopped moving. Rose hesitated, and then walked over slowly, as if the sphere was going to reopen and release its bounty. “Oh my gosh,” she breathed. “I caught my first Pokémon.”

Hunter shrugged, slightly jealous. “You can celebrate later,” he started. “We have a forest ahead of us. Speaking of catching things, I ought to catch me a Pokémon too. Maybe a Pidgey or a Spearow. Yeah, I’ll get me a Flying-Type.”

“Okay, Mr. Jealousy,” Rose said, bragging as much as possible. “Stop trying to rush me. I’m coming.” Rose scooped her Pokéball, dropped it into her bag, gave Hunter a little push as if to say “let’s go”, and skipped off into the looming overgrowth know as Viridian Forest.

Um, just an update, like always, I don't get alot of writing time, so I'm about halfway done. I'm planning an edit of the 1st chapter that will replace new-chapter-writing time. Just a heads up.

As I always say, summer holds more writing time. Also debating wheter to upload to Google Docs so I can access from anywhere.