Noir Theatre (take two - comments and criticism appreciated!)

(Special thanks to Verne and Negrek for their criticism in the last thread. :D)

I.

Arin Lowell had never imagined heaven would be quite like that.

It had been such a lovely image on earth—the thought that being in the vicinity of such perfection was a beautiful feeling, one of unknowable solace. Arin, however, had never felt more empty in his life.

Before he was allowed to speak with Him, the two angels guiding him warned him not to open his eyes.

“To do so would compromise your humanity, child. His perfection is blinding to your mortal eyes. Free will is a burden you still carry.”

Arin agreed without hesitation. After years of endless toil, his retribution was here.

“You should be very proud,” the second one said with a deep, motherly voice.

Mere seconds later, Arin felt a chill over his body. This was the moment he had dreamed of ever since that devastating loss.

He was in the presence of his almighty Creator.

The chill subsided quickly, followed by a feeling of warmth. Arin was somewhere in heaven, and he longed more than anything to open his eyes and see. Finally see! Fighting back the temptation, Arin waited for Him to speak.

“Arin Lowell. You have come to me as a devout follower and loving child.”

Arin was a bit underwhelmed. When one imagines their Creator speaking, they may imagine His voice being thunderous and powerful. Instead, His voice was strangely human—like an elderly man, wise and tender.

“My Lord. You have heard my prayers. Thank—”

“Kari loves you, Arin,” He responded firmly. “As do I. We have both seen your recent actions and we are pleased.”

A small tear made its way down Arin’s face, making it even more difficult to keep his eyes closed.

“Kari is the reason I found You, my Lord. Her death was the most painful experience I’ve ever gone through. It is only with Your grace that I am here.”

There was a small hint of laughter from the Creator. It didn’t make Arin nervous; instead, it provided a small bit of relief.

“You have not redeemed yourself, my child. You have certainly come a long way, but there is still a reason your eyes are not open right now.”

“What must I do, my Lord? The journey to redemption is all I know.”

It really was the only thing he had known. For the last couple of months, at least. The phone call from her mother, the memorial service, her cold and lifeless body—these were images that would always be etched in his mind. He had never known such despair. He would surely have killed himself if he hadn’t found Kari’s letter on her desk days after her death.

Arin, it began:

I know that, deep down in your heart, you feel the same passion and adoration for me as I do for you. You are a beautiful person. I love you enough to know that you are beyond all of this. Taking advantage of people. It’s killing me, and I know it’s killing you, too.

I want you stop.

So I’m leaving you with a choice.

Stop this. Do it or

The message was incomplete, but it was enough to convince Arin that he could not go on any longer. He had needed that slap in the face.

That was why he needed to be redeemed: he could be at peace with himself... and so could she.

“Yes, yes. Redemption. There is another place like this,” He began. “It opposes this realm. It is called many things. Your soul would have been taken there had you died a year ago. You know it as a place of suffering and of despair. But it is not a hopeless place.”

Arin imagined the cold depths of hell like so many of us would. He always thought of it as hopeless.

“Child of Eve! There is a way out of there! All one has to do is seek it. This is your trial: you will go there as a fallen soul. You will explore the other world’s landscape, meet its inhabitants, and find the path that strays from it. I know you are willing to do anything for Kari and for Myself. Will you go?”

“If you have given me this opportunity, I must take it.”

Arin was ready, but he was understandably nervous. He had not expected the road to redemption would be easy, but the thought of entering hell as a fallen soul was certainly overwhelming.

“There are two things you must know before you leave. Time is exclusive to the physical realm; there is no night or day in the other world. Both realms know only eternity.”

Arin swallowed with quite a bit of difficulty, the sharpness of his throat evoking a sudden awareness of his mortality.

“What else must I know, my Lord?” he said, a hint of hesitation and shakiness in his voice.

“She is always with you, even in the darkest hours,” He said, this time sounding more authoritative.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Arin sighed.

“I am ready.”

II.

It felt a lot like falling. Arin couldn’t quite tell—he was still too worried to open his eyes—but he definitely knew he was moving. The strange connection with Him was no longer present.

He stopped moving. He was laying down on his back in a field of some sort. He reached his hands out and slowly caressed the grass. A sense of comfort eased its way through his body as the blades of grass weaved through his fingers. Such a familiar feeling was a good way to start off his journey in hell.

Was it even hell?

Opening his eyes to take in his new surroundings, Arin was instantly overwhelmed. He forgot to breathe for a few seconds, and as he gasped for air, he came to a sudden realization: he was still human.

He was not dead. He could feel the warmth and comfort of the grass, he still needed to breathe, and he knew that he could probably feel pain, too.

It was quite serene. He was in the heart of a forest, surrounded by hundreds—thousands?—of trees, each humming a somber tune as the wind gently weaved between their branches. The sky’s sage-green hue reflected into the small pond in front of him. On the other side of the pond, a family of ducks was swimming, unaware and uncaring of their surroundings.

This land was entirely void of other life. Arin proceeded to stand up and dust off his clothes, deciding it would be in his best interest to explore the area.

After a few minutes of navigating through trees upon trees, Arin found a gravel path that led further into the woods. It was the only curious thing in the monotonous forest scenery, and without a second thought, he proceeded to follow it.

Arin was beginning to believe that he was not in hell. The gentle breeze and calm rustling of leaves were surely treasures only of earthly life! There was no agony or suffering here—at least, no more than there was on earth.

Walking further down the path, Arin noticed something out of the corner of his eye: a small squirrel, sitting motionless. The squirrel was staring at him with a hint of curiosity in its eyes.

“Hello there,” Arin said with a small smile, bending down to its level.

He certainly didn’t expect a reply, but he received one promptly.

“Can I help you?” it said with a deep and resonant voice.

“Maybe,” Arin responded, probably not as surprised as he should have been. “Can you tell me where I am?”

The squirrel looked back and muttered to himself. “Recently deceased...”

Looking back at Arin, he continued. “It is quite curious, sir, how you managed to make your way here. I can’t imagine you’ve been dead for more than a few earthly days.”

Arin shrugged. “Lots of walking, I guess.”

The squirrel stared up at him again, its eyes piercing into his like daggers.

“Yes, quite a bit of walking indeed. The newly deceased are usually confined to the caverns for quite a while before realizing that they can leave.”

“The circumstances are a bit unusual.”

“Oh?” the squirrel said, perking his ears eagerly.

“Can you tell me where I am?” Arin repeated, annoyed.

The squirrel paused for a second.

“You have, for reasons beyond me, made your way into the Forest of Noir on the outskirts of Reveria. I don’t know why you’re here, but you should probably leave. Most of my kind aren’t very welcoming to yours.”

“Then perhaps you could guide me to the nearest exit?”

The squirrel turned around once more and fixed his gaze on the gravel path.

“Follow this path to Reveria. I believe Noir Theatre is performing there today, so you might be in for a treat if you make it there in time.”

“Noir Theatre?” Arin questioned.

“My god, you don’t know about Noir Theatre? I would certainly not waste time talking to a squirrel if I were you.”

“Can’t you just tell me what Noir Theatre is?”

“And divulge all of this realm’s secrets? If you want wisdom, you need to chase it. It’s not like you’re not going to be dying any time soon.”

The squirrel began to run away. Before completely fading into obscurity, he turned back one last time and yelled at Arin. “You won’t regret following that path, though!”

Arin’s mind was settled. He looked down at the seemingly endless path and continued to walk. He braced himself for anything and everything. If there was one thing he had already learned down here, it was that nothing was quite as he would expect it to be.

The second blurb needs a lot of work, so I would really appreciate it if anybody could steer me in the right direction here. :)

Hmm.

Arin Lowell had never imagined heaven would be quite like that.

It had been such a lovely image on earth—the thought that being in the vicinity of such perfection was a beautiful feeling, one of unknowable solace. Arin, however, had never felt more empty in his life.

Before he was allowed to speak with Him, the two angels guiding him warned him not to open his eyes.

Click to expand...

It seems to me that the transition between the latter two paragraphs here is too abrupt. There is no visible connection between them at all, and when you read a line saying something like how being in Heaven actually feels empty - something that should be pretty unexpected - you really expect what follows to be some sort of an elaboration, not just a sudden jump to a different topic. ("Heaven felt really empty, but anyway...") I suggest you include some sort of an elaboration here - not necessarily anything long or complicated, but something - and try to make that connect better with what happens next.

It also bothers me that you're not capitalizing Heaven even when it's acting in all respects as a proper noun and is logically the name of a place, especially when you then do go ahead and capitalize He in reference to God, but that's a minor issue.

“To do so would compromise your humanity, child. His perfection is blinding to your mortal eyes. Free will is a burden you still carry.”

Click to expand...

I really don't get this. I mean, sure, they're angels and that might excuse them being a bit cryptic, but the connection between not being allowed to look at God and free will seems really stretched to me. Do they mean seeing God robs you of your free will, or that you cannot see God unless you've already renounced free will? In either case, wouldn't that make the prospect of getting into Heaven kind of disturbing - if you lose your free will, which is pretty much what it means to be you, why would you want to get in? I know I'd be kind of creeped out by the idea.

Arin imagined the cold depths of hell like so many of us would. He always thought of it as hopeless.

Click to expand...

I'm not sure what the meaning of this is exactly, especially with the emphasized always. Should we be expecting him to have not always thought of Hell as hopeless, or what? Does he ponder how hopeless Hell is a lot? (Because you say "He always thought of it as hopeless" as opposed to "He had always thought of it as hopeless", you seem to be implying that as opposed to just that when he thought about Hell in the past, he'd thought of it as hopeless.) Also, "like so many of us would"?

I think what you were going for here was something like, "Like most people, Arin had always thought of Hell as hopeless," but even then, the fact it comes right after God claiming it's not a hopeless place makes it seem like there ought to be more emphasis on his presumably surprised reaction to hearing that than just how he's always thought of Hell before, which is kind of obvious already and included in what God just said anyway.

Arin couldn’t quite tell—he was still too worried to open his eyes—but he definitely knew he was moving. The strange connection with Him was no longer present.

He stopped moving.

Click to expand...

I don't really like "He stopped moving" here; you've got "he definitely knew he was moving" in a previous sentence and it feels dull to repeat it. I'd exchange it for something like "He came to an abrupt halt" or whatever, just something that doesn't use the verb "moving" again.

He was laying down on his back in a field of some sort.

Click to expand...

Lying. Laying is making something else lie. That "down" is also probably extraneous.

“Hello there,” Arin said with a small smile, bending down to its level.

Click to expand...

Exactly how does a (presumably) grown man bend down to the level of a small squirrel? Even normal-sized squirrels are, to my knowledge, smaller than an average human head; to be level with it, one would have to be lying flat on the ground, which I doubt he's supposed to be doing. It would make sense if the squirrel were stated to be standing on a rock or tree stump or branch or something, but it isn't said to be. I know this sounds like something extremely minor, but it actually really jarred me and I went looking for some indication the squirrel was on top of something.

Something about the squirrel's dialogue bugs me. I think it's that it alternates a little between feeling sort of curious and jittery and being really jaded and cynical, and they really don't seem to fit sensibly together. You've got it staring curiously at him, but then suddenly saying "Can I help you?" as if it's kind of annoyed he's talking to it, and later its eyes even piercing him like daggers, but then you have it again perking its ears eagerly when he says the circumstances are unusual, before it reverts suddenly back to the grumpy and jaded personality again. Then at the end, you've got it behaving like a slightly mischievous spirit of wisdom when it goes all "You must find out on your own! Ohoho, I can't go divulging all of this realm's secrets, now, can I?" Even worse, it clearly expects him to know what Noir Theatre is already, so it can't be some sort of a big secret nobody's supposed to know, but then it moves right on to being all mysterious about it when he asks. I'm not sure how much of this inconsistency is intentional, but if it is it might be nice to try to make that more explicit.

Seems like an interesting concept, though, and the writing is mostly pretty good, so I'll probably be checking back.