[In Progress(?)] The World Some Years Later

If you want to skip my stupid premise, just Ctrl-F "Prologue" or "Chapter I". If you're reading this by mistake, Here's the link back to the writing section.​

Whether or not you read the following, please post at least a simple yes or no as to whether you think I should keep going. I'd really appreciate just that.

First of all, I'm writing this more to get a feel for whether I have a feel for writing or not. Looking for criticism. I promise no matter how mean you are, I won't lose my temper. Or cry. I promise. That being said, here are the things I consciously tried to get right, and are thus the things you'd wanna make fun of if you're trying to troll.

• Characterization- Albeit gradually, I am trying to make the characters three dimensional. Trying. If they're flat as the world back in the day, Don't hesistate to tell me exactly why.
• Dialouge- I did make an effort to make the speaking flow
• Dynamic description- I tried to keep from using the same name for something more than once. I wanted to keep a flow to the reading, but if you think it's confusing that the Nidoking apparently has three titles, I could try and be more clear
• Maintaining Interest- I did try to make it interesting to read. I know the main characters haven't done much, but there'll be a plot hook, I promise.
• Short Chapters- Intentional, to avoid TL;DR syndrome

Anything not on that list, such as describing scenery, I didn't have in mind during the writing, but that does not mean I don't want you to make fun if it. Have at it.

Oh, and the world is based mostly on the game canon with a little manga and anime influence, plus a good bit of made up crap, a la me. And this'll be much more apparent in Chapter II, but I really tried to take things meant solely as game mechanics and implement them as though they were IRL. Like level reducers, and levels themselves, and base stats and all kinds of stuff that I took too seriously.

But yeah, criticism, encouragement, discouragement, bad puns, all welcome. And we're off.

Prologue​

2 weeks after Red, unknown location:

A man sat alone. Thinking. What did Giovanni mean in disbanding Team Rocket? Did he really do it just because he was beaten by some kid? So what, it didn’t put a dent in their funds; and if the boy had run off and told everyone the Viridian Gym leader, a respected Kanto citizen, was really an evil bossman, who would believe him? No one. Giovanni was smart enough to know that. Yet Giovanni had disbanded them anyway. The man wasn’t the only one with issues with it; Archer had just come back from the Sevii Islands, after trying to dispel “rumors” of Team Rocket’s disbanding. But the man didn’t have time for such antics. He was an Executive; one of the five top agents. The other four were considering going underground, now, and by the other four He meant Archer. The other three Executives followed him blindly. The man wasn’t sure if he agreed. Hiding, removing themselves from the world, so they might find Giovanni, who obviously doesn’t want to be found… the man didn’t like it. Not with all they had, all
Giovanni had built up.

They should be more concerned with divining Giovanni’s original plan, he thought. Giovanni had never told them what it was. Team Rocket made money, money in spades. They caught and trafficked Pokémon like no other. But was there something else? Mewtwo. Why did he fund the Mewtwo project? What did he hope to gain with that beast? The man shook his head. The other Executives didn’t think enough for him to join with them. They want to hide, hide until the right time comes to call for their leader, rather than become leaders and continue the franchises that had made Rocket a success in the first place. Giovanni’s legacy was far more profitable than the man himself. But the lingering questions, the why, the what… What end, Giovanni, to what end did you build your empire? He needed to know, He needed to find out. He had enough command over remnants of Rocket that weren’t following Archer and his goons. He could easily keep the Game Corner and the Gym running, as well as most if not all of the black market dealings.

Yes, he thought, that’s what he would do. Until he could find out what the hell Giovanni’s plan had been. And then succeed where he had failed. Mewtwo… it had to be the answer…

Chapter I​

12 years after Red, Celadon City:

Grey walked out of the Pokémon Center into the cool, winter air and stretched his long arms high above his head, before planting his hands squarely on his hips. A large purple Pokémon standing behind him mimicked his master, his strong, thick hide audibly stretching and loosening; his large, whitish belly plates, like armor, rattled as his wide, three clawed hands hit its hips. “Stop your posturing,” said a girl, giving him one hard pat on the back, “We’ve to be on time.” She began pushing him along. Grey was a tall individual, hence very top heavy. He leaned back in an attempt to prevent gravity from introducing the ground to his face.

“C’mon, Vi, cut it out,” he protested. Violet obliged, letting Grey fall backwards into his Nidoking’s concerned arms. She took her now free hand and flicked her Pokégear’s screen down. She seemed absorbed in it as she continued walking forward, oblivious to Grey’s stopping. “Hey,” he almost had to yell, she had walked so far ahead, “Hey, Vi, get your nose outta that thing and enjoy the air, for once. The scenery. It’s so pretty here.” She paused for a moment and looked up and around quickly.

“Yes, very nice.” Her voice was flat and without conviction. She quickly adjusted her navy, pullover hoodie and added, “I liked it so much better last time we were here, during the summer, when we beat Erika. I prefer the sun, you know. Not these gray gloomy skies and freezing conditions.” Grey caught up to her, the Nidoking running, or rather stomping, close behind. He examined her. Her habitually narrowed eyes were off the Pokégear now, looking around at the pale green Celadon cityscape, with its many vine covered walls and fruit trees growing outside doors. Her habitually narrowed mouth was turned slightly downward, voicing concerns she rarely vocalized.

“Freezing,” he muttered, more to himself, “It’s barely below 60.” Louder he said “What, are you worried we aren’t gonna win the tournie?” He didn’t honestly think that was it, they always won. Rather, she always won after trouncing him in the semi-finals. Or round one, if he was unlucky in the matchups. She put her hand underneath the back of her straight, dark, slightly-past-shoulder-length hair and rubbed the back of her head, closing her eyes and looking down.

“It’s not that; we always win. Rather,” she smiled her narrow smile “I always win. After trouncing you in the Semifinals.”

“Or earlier,” Grey laughed, “If I get the short stick with the brackets.” He put his hand on her shoulder. “You alright? Something bad always
happens when you rub the back of your neck like that.”

“Yeah,” Violet replied, “I know. I have that bad feeling again.”

“Last time you had a bad feeling we ran into Moltres!” He tried to laugh, but the smile quickly faded. “Granted, we did get knocked off a mountain…” Nidoking growled in a manner that could almost be interpreted as his species name. “Yeah, yeah, you saved us with your magic ability to punch through solid rock, I’ve heard it from you a million times, Rick.” Richter the Nidoking huffed and crossed it arms, expressing his satisfaction. “My point is we’ll come out okay, no matter what’s giving you this vibe,” Grey said, turning back to Violet. Violet looked up at his jovial, angled face. If only he’d cut his messy, black hair…

“I know, I know.” She turned back to her Pokégear. “Stadium’s this way.” She pointed. “20 minutes until sign in ends. Put that purple hulk back in his Pokéball and unfold you’re bike, we’ve to go now.” Grey nodded, returning Richter to his capsule, despite his protests, and pulled his bike from his pack.

“You know,” he began as he unfolded his bicycle, “I’ve mentioned it before, but you really need to stop shortening ‘we have’ and all that when you really don’t need to.”

Well, since you reviewed my chapter, I thought it only fair that I review yours.

It's a shame you have no replies to this, I think. Firstly, below 50 is freezing (Well at least if you live in Florida and are used to 80s.) D:

Okay, serious now. The prologue is intriguing. I'm a bit confused though as to just who is following the man.

First you say, "He was an Executive; one of the five top agents. The other four were considering going underground, now, and by the other four He meant Archer. The others followed him."

Okay. So this man is a fifth Rocket Executive, check. That's about all I got out of this... At first, it says that the other four executives were going underground... you lost me with the second half of that sentence, though. "By the other four, he meant Archer." <- That part contradicts the first half. Okay, it could have been sarcasm, but that would mean that in truth, the other three, not including Archer, are not going underground. Then you say "The others followed him." To me, it isn't clear which "him" they are following; the man/fifth executive of yours, or Archer. Also, who is "The others"? The other executives? Or the other members of Team Rocket? The rest of that paragraph leads me to believe what I thought originally: that all four of the executives, barring your fifth one, want to hide. I dunno, I suppose it's just that "by the other four, he meant Archer" statement that has me confused. Maybe it's cause it's nearly 3 am here, but that part just doesn't make sense to me... Other then that, I think the Prologue is fine. It certainly got my attention

On to chapter one... You had commented on how you liked how you were able to picture my two characters easily. Well... I personally have a hard time picturing yours. Minus Nidoking, obviously (Who, by the way, you should probably call by just one name, whatever one the characters use. If he has a nickname that they use [Richter/Rick], you should make it more clear so that readers won't forget it, and then stick with that). All we know of Violet is that she is wearing a navy, pullover hoodie, her eyes and mouth are naturally/normally narrowed... "straight, dark, slightly-past-shoulder-length hair", but doesn't tell the color... is it black? Dark brown? We know even less about Grey; he has long arms and is tall with messy black hair... what about the rest of their outfits? Eye colors? I dunno, just a little more detail. Also, I notice it takes a bit of time to get down to what Grey's hair looks like... I'd sort of prefer if the descriptions of the characters didn't have to much space in between, so it makes it easier to get a view of what they look like, but that might just be my personal preference also.

The chapter seems a little short (yes, I notice you said it was intentional... can you tell me what tl;dr is, by the way?), but that's not a bad thing either, I guess it's a personal decision, cause I prefer them to be longer. After all, not too much happened here; you introduced who I assume are to be the main characters (I'm interested to see how they'll tie in with the Rocket man), include a bit of dialogue to give them some personality, and then they leave. I assume the tournament they were discussing is where they are in such a hurry to get to, but that isn't really implied but once. Again, not that that's a bad thing, but I had to re-read it to figure out what they only had 20 minutes to get to.

Other then those mostly minor things, though, I really like it. You've at least got a bigger plan for yours, which is more than I can say about my fic. I like the fact that they seem to already be trainers, rather than just starting out. I imagine that would make battles more exciting sooner. I also do like the dialogue, I think you made it flow well, even if there isn't a whole lot. And giving the Nidoking a bit of personality this early is always a good thing.

I'm really bad at this, sorry. >.< You've already read something of mine, so I hope that helps you understand some of the points I tried to make. And I hope I helped at least a little, anyways. And I hope I didn't come off as mean or anything, either. Also, I vote "yes", I really do think you should keep writing it.

Shadow Serenity said:

It's a shame you have no replies to this, I think. Firstly, below 50 is freezing (Well at least if you live in Florida and are used to 80s.) D:

Click to expand...

Fix'd. And thanks.

Shadow Serenity said:

Okay, serious now. The prologue is intriguing. I'm a bit confused though as to just who is following the man.

First you say, "He was an Executive; one of the five top agents. The other four were considering going underground, now, and by the other four He meant Archer. The others followed him."

Click to expand...

Fix'd. Clear now?

Shadow Serenity said:

I'm really bad at this, sorry. >.< You've already read something of mine, so I hope that helps you understand some of the points I tried to make. And I hope I helped at least a little, anyways. And I hope I didn't come off as mean or anything, either. Also, I vote "yes", I really do think you should keep writing it.

Click to expand...

Oh, no, it was fine, I appreciate it. Any comments I neglected here are of course unfix'd-able without a rewrite, but I will keep them in mind, of course.

Next portion tomorrow. Proofreading FTW.

Well... the comment in regards to the freezing temperature thing was meant to be a joke, I'm sorry. You didn't really need to fix anything with that. :/

Anyways, yes, now the prologue is clear, that's good. :D

I also haven't forgotten your PM, I just don't have time to read the, um, other part yet so I figured it would be silly of me to reply to it without reading that first.

Note that:

• Characters may make mistakes in their quotes that would be unacceptable in narration
• to avoid ambiguities with names/naming of things:
  • Flint's full name is Flint David, AKA, Mr. David
  • Grey's father is also carries the first name of Steel
  • Nidorans look like rabbits to me, are purple and are poisonous
  • Vulpixes are foxes
  • Grey is also known as Grey.
• I'll accept any criticism. I PROMISE you that you cannot make me cry, and if you do I'll keep it to myself. No worries on your part.
• This portion is longer than the first two portions combined by 400+ words
• I can indent. Awwwright.

So, for those it may interest...


4 years after Red, Pallet Town

     Grey was as happy as a 10 year old could be. Dad was home! Dad was never home. Or, he was rarely home because his work took him so far away. Grey didn’t know what his dad did, but it was important. He knew it. His dad was so cool. He watched, with his face plastered to the bay window, as his father walked up the narrow drive of the small home. “It’s mostly windows”, Grey would hear his mom say when she talked about their house. But he liked it. It was bright and warm and home.

     His father had barely crossed the threshold when a small tangle of limbs wrapped itself around his knees.

     “Dad! Where’ve you been?” Grey asked excitedly, but continued without waiting for an answer. “I missed you! Did you bring me anything?” His father laughed, mussing the boy’s already tangled hair.

     “To answer your first question, I was in Johto, saving injured Pokémon from bad trainers.” His father almost always said something like this. “And to answer the second,” he continued, taking off the heavy, black satchel bag he’d always wear on trips, and removing a brown package with air holes, about a foot and a half long and a foot high, “I may have gotten you a small something.” Grey inhaled sharply, pulling his tiny hands to his mouth.

     “Is it a aquarium??” he shouted eagerly. He’d always wanted a fish tank full of minnows and goldfish, and they’d all be named Jelly ‘cause he liked that kind of fish and none of them knew any different what their name was or if they had the same name or anything. His father laughed again, shaking his head. “Oh…,” Grey said in disappointment.

     “In that case,” his father, with a smile, began putting the package back into the bag.

     “No, no, I still want it! What is it?” Grey put out his arms and his father set it on them. Grey sat down, the box falling from his arms to his lap as he did. It rattled slightly, in a metallic way. He ripped away the brown paper to reveal a metal cage. Within, a small, purple Nidoran cowered in the opposite side of the cage. It suddenly seemed at ease, as if the sudden light had startled it and it was now fine with being in a strange new place with a strange new face staring at it in awe. It scratched a giant spiny ear with its back foot and regarded the young boy with apparent interest. It cocked its head sideways, causing its ears to sway for a moment.

     “We found him with an unfit trainer,” Grey’s father explained. The poison rabbit jumped at the sound of a voice, but quickly settled again. It sniffed the air curiously. “nikoh, nikoh, nikoh” came the sound of its teeth, as if it were trying to taste some smell in the air. “He’s so lively, I thought I’d let you take care of him. Maybe one of you can tire the other one out.” He smiled more widely. His face always had a natural, broad smile. Grey was caught up in the wide green eyes of the little Nidoran.

     “He’s… mine? Awesome!” his excitement seemed to fade away, and he grimaced. “But I can’t be a trainer… I’m not old enough, yet.”

     “He can still be the household pet. You can learn how to care for Pokémon. Everyone should learn how to care for a living thing before they learn to train it. Then when the time comes, you’ll be more ready than anyone.” Grey thought about it, and decided he liked the idea. He reached to open the cage. “No, don’t—!” his father tried to say, but it was too late. The Nidoran was already out and snuggling in the young boy’s arms, its poisonous stingers safely retracted.

     “What?” Grey said, confused. His father smiled and laughed again.

     “Nothing. You two seem to get along pretty well. Where’s your mother?”

     “Mm-MM-mm,” Grey shrugged, stroking his new friend, “I think she went to visit with Mrs. David.” The Davids lived two doors down and were close friends of Grey’s family. Mr. David went with Grey’s father on his trips and Mrs. David kept his mom company and their adopted daughter, Violet’ was his best friend. “Oh, Violet! I have to show her my new Pokémon. She’ll be so jealous!” Grey said in realization.

     “Maybe,” his dad said, with a knowing smile, “but we’ll see.” They were suddenly interrupted by a newcomer in the front door, his tall frame taking up most of the doorway vertically.

     “Steel! That Vulpix we brought back for Violet got loose and I have no idea where it went! C’mon, we have to find it!” Mr. David is really worried, Grey thought, he never just bursts into the house like that.

     “Alright, Flint,” Grey’s father answered, “I’ll come help you look.” He turned to Grey. “You stay here and watch Nidoran, alright?” The poison bunny seemed to be picking up on the excitement. It stretched its head away from Grey, sniffing furiously. It jumped out of its new owners arms and ran out the door. Mr. David tried to catch it but only succeeded in falling flat on his face. Grey’s dad bit back a curse and ran out the door, over Flint and after the Nidoran, which was making a bee-line for the western tree line of the two that bordered the town on either side. Grey did his best to run after them.

     Mr. David pulled up the rear after pulling himself up. All three of the pursuers stopped shortly after entering the tree line. “Violet,” Mr. David said in surprise, “What’re you doing out here?” Violet was sitting against a tree with a Vulpix in her lap, curled up and dozing. The Nidoran that had just escaped sat a few feet away, staring at the pair curiously. It looked up at the newcomers and, seeing Grey, jumped back over to him and rubbed against his leg.

     “I don’t know,” Violet answered, “I just had a desire to walk in the woods and I found this little fox. Can I keep her, dad?” Her dark green eyes were wide and expressive of her want to stay with her newfound friend, but the rest of her face stayed flat and expressionless, save a slight downturn of her mouth. Mr. David sighed with relief, he had of course brought it back for her, but a simple “Of course you can, you beautiful little angel of a child” would not suffice to communicate his sudden need to give her what she wanted. Violet had never asked for so much as a new toy in her short life, so her sudden shift in attitude caught him off guard.

     “Why… why of course you can, sweetie! I brought it back from my trip for you, do you like it?” Mr. David asked, the bottled love for his daughter leaking out of him. The Vulpix stirred in Violets lap, cracking open an eye and surveying the situation. Deciding nothing of interest was going on, it closed its eye again.

     “I like her a lot,” Violet responded, stroking the fox from head to tail.

     “Well…” Grey intervened, “Mine’s better!” He didn’t seem to know how to demonstrate this, so after a second of thinking he started petting the Nidoran’s head, albeit a little roughly. It objected to this manhandling and easily squeezed away, pouncing over to Violet and, more importantly, the Vulpix, which it nosed curiously. The Vulpix swatted it away with a paw, half-asleep as it was, and the Nidoran jumped back. It then, squinting maliciously at the fox, jumped back to its owner, who was tossing his own dirty look at Violet. Flint and Steel regarded the event from a slight distance.

     “That’s a relief,” Steel said in a release of breath.

     “You’re telling me!” Flint agreed “And Violet is showing some outward interest without the constant coaxing of your boy, for once.”

     “Yeah, he looks jealous, doesn’t he? They’re going to make quite the pair. As good as us, probably better.”

     Flint regarded Steel for a moment. “Did you give it to him, yet?”


     Steel rolled a small ball in his palm, watching it shift slowly in color from gold, to black, to grey then to dark green then to… “I think I’ll wait, just a little longer. We aren’t going anywhere soon, are we?”

     Flint watched Steel pocket the ball. “I sure hope not, partner. I sure hope not.”

Still pretty good, nothing to really say that I can think of except a few things that I think we'd already talked about; describing the pokemon, specifically. Anyone who knows what a Nidoran or a Vulpix is won't need it, but if the reader has never heard of pokemon before (ignoring the fact that I can't imagine why they'd be reading this if they haven't), they'll have no idea what those creatures look like. You at least gave Nidoking a brief description in the prologue, so I still think Nidoran and Vulpix should get more description than "purple rabbit" and "the fox". Again, though, I suppose it isn't really that big a deal, since most people who would be reading already know what they look like. I do tend to describe them out of habit, though.

Also, I don't think grammar problems are as big a deal when in character speech. I use odd slang words or whatever you call it, such as "gonna" for "going to", when I actually speak, and my characters do as well, just out of habit since I've been writing with them.

...At least, that's what I assume you meant by "mistakes in their quotes that would be unacceptable in narration".