Crazy Linoone vs Mike The Foxhog vs L'il Dwagie

2vs2vs2 three-way battle, one pokemon per trainer at a time
Style: Switch
DQ: 12 Days
Damage Cap: 40%
Banned Moves:
Arena: A Hearty Bowl of Offal Soup

It’s not just hearty either, but livery and brainy as well.

Bad puns aside, the Offal Soup is, like all Linoone arenas, contained in a very large bowl with a diameter of two Wailords and a depth of one and a half, so a Wailord can actually battle in it, just not very easily. Three platforms, shaped like a liver, brain, and a heart, float nearby for the trainers to stand on, while a fourth platform in the shape of an offal of the referee’s choice floats in an area of the referee’s choice.

Now, let’s move on to the actual arena. The Offal Soup is a delicious grayish brown color, not comparable to poop because poop is browner and (probably) not as delicious. Small specks of grayish brown meat bits and protein condensations float in the soup, making the clear, light brown soup look foggy. The soup had been cooked for eight hours straight so the strong flavor of meat could fully diffuse into the soup, and it is made from three main ingredients: the lighter colored, melt-in-your-mouth soft brain, the darker colored, soft and squishy livers, and the even darker colored, chewy and hearts. Those three ingredients make up the heart of the arena, taking up most of the space and making the arena appear slightly solid. Due to this, water-only pokemon are not encouraged, since they won’t be able to see very well swimming in the arena. A meaty aroma wafts up from the arena, deliciously sweet for meat-lovers and horrible to vegetarians.

As with all Linoone arenas, the soup is edible. Although this bowl of soup may look disgusting to the untrained eye, it’s actually quite nutritious and full of protein as well as other kinds of goodies. As all EV trainers know, Protein in the pokemon world, for some reason, boosts attack, and the soup does exactly that. One bite of the deliciously chewy and protein-full heart will boost the Attack of the pokemon by 1. While the brain doesn’t contain much calcium, Special Attack has long been associated with smartness, and eating some of the wonderfully smooth brains will boost Special Attack by 1. The liver is just healthy and restores 5% HP to all pokemon that eats it, while the soup itself, full of nutrients from the ingredients, can boost a random stat of the pokemon by 1. All foods restore 5% energy in addition to other special effects when eaten. Any pokemon may take an action to eat the ingredients, although it might be hard for a pokemon to distinguish one type of offal from another when their trainers are not being very specific. After all, everything is brown.

Linoone finally had the courtesy of cooling down the soup enough so pokemon don’t get burnt battling on top. The soup is just a comfortable warmness, and will continue to cool down as the battle progresses.

Since the brain, the most prominent part of the soup, is a non-Newtonian fluid, one will find him/her/itself slowly sinking through the soup if he/she/it is stepping on the brainy part of the soup, but if one crashes into the brainy part with a lot of force, it will hurt. The livers and heart normally solid, although the livers break under pressure and the hearts are more bouncy. Remember, all these can be used to the battlers’ advantage, so watch your step.

Click to expand...

The dragon referee disappeared in a puff of smoke, its flag dropping to the ground with a clank before following the dragon into nothingness. The battle remained frozen in time for nearly a year, the Trainers blankly watching the enormous bowl where a Porygon forever floated above a brownish semi-solid mass of brains, in which a pirate and a ninja-in-training were stopped mid-struggle. Ripples of soup remained unmoving where the pirate had emerged from the water. Finally a new referee with no special role-playing avatar glimmered into existence atop the referee platform, which reconfigured itself to form a large vertebra. With a blustery wave of the new referee’s flag, movement returned to the Bowl of Offal Soup, and the battle began once again.


Faris extricates herself from the thick goop of brains, steadying herself on her hardened sea legs before going in for another hit. A swift strike of her hook stuns the still-struggling Nincada, and the follow-through slash across its underbelly opens a gash along the bug’s abdomen. The gash fails to bleed, though, as the thick brain-fluid in which Yoshimitsu is trapped quickly fills the wound in a makeshift poultice. It probably won’t be healthy for the long run, but it’s better than nothing, and is good enough to last for the rest of the battle until Lil Bluberry Bomb can get to a Pokemon Center.

Taking advantage of Faris’s preoccupation with her rival, Death Canon draws in static electricity from the air, letting it crackle momentarily among its pixels before releasing it in a concentrated pulse. The jolt of electricity strikes Faris at the base of her neck, crackling up and down the Water-type’s spine and making her collapse. As the electricity dissipates and she tries to arise, her muscles seize painfully and she falls back into the squishy brains.

By this time, Yoshimitsu has made her way out of the brains, paddling to a nearby, slightly more solid heart. She turns around, pointing her legs at the still-twitching pirate, and rubs them together briskly. The cicada’s characteristic buzz rises to an earsplitting level before manifesting as physical sound waves, which strike Faris like a sledgehammer. Death Canon merely turns off its MicrophoneInput.exe file.

<Death Canon: -0H, -2E / Atk +1, Def +1, Sp. Atk +3>
<Faris: -22H, -5E / Atk +2, Acc -3 / paralyzed (severe)>
<Yoshimitsu: -14H, -10E / Sp. Atk +3>

Fighting through her still-belligerent muscles, Faris climbs out of the thick brains and swims the short distance to Yoshimitsu’s heart platform. Her hook at the ready, she leaps from the water with surprising agility, once again performing her strike-and-followthrough technique. This time Faris does not manage to reach Yoshimitsu’s underbelly, and the resulting wound to her exoskeleton, while painful, is not deep enough to bleed.

Death Canon, still ignored by his co-combatants, takes the opportunity to nick the ball of smoke that had been stashed on the pirate’s belt just one round previously. With a whack to Faris’s head for being dumb enough not to pay attention to the Porygon, it retreats back to its position hovering above the brains. Its processor whirrs before realizing it can’t equip the Smoke Ball; it already has an Upgrade in its disc drive. The Smoke Ball drops, sinking slowly into the brains, and Death Canon continues to simply observe the battle.

While Faris is still stunned from Death Canon’s whack, Yoshimitsu leaps onto her face. Her legs wiggling for no other sake than annoying the pirate, her underbelly begins to siphon off bright green life-force from Faris where it touches her. The Cappun feels herself weakening as she tries to fight off the bug, and eventually simply collapses. The now-sated Yoshimitsu scuttles matter-of-factly away, pleased to note that the wound on her underbelly has healed to just a scratch.

<Death Canon: -0H, -5E / Atk +1, Def +1, Sp. Atk +3>
<Faris: -21H, -6E / Atk +2, Acc -3 / paralyzed (severe) / damage capped>
<Yoshimitsu: -6H, -10E / Sp. Atk +3>

By now, Faris is really feeling the pain of battle. Her hat and clothes are starting to fray alarmingly, and she can feel a nasty bruise forming on her chest where the Nincada sucked out her life. (Her only comfort is that the dots swimming in front of her eyes are beginning to dissipate.) Not one to take defeat sitting down, she rises, turns toward the bug, and runs forward with a frightening rage. Performing her double-strike attack again, her claw rips a third gash in Yoshimitsu’s abdomen, this time once again in the bug’s soft underbelly.

The cicada reflexively strikes back in pain, clutching Faris’s lower half and sucking away the green life energy once again. While struggling to remove the bug, Faris feels a heavy impact on her back, throwing her to the ground. With a computerized chirp, Death Canon lets its tri-elemental beam dissipate.

Her latest wound having stopped bleeding, Yoshimitsu cuts off the flow of life from Faris and attempts to crawl out from under the pirate. The Cappun, however, takes that moment to have another paralysis attack, and goes limp on top of the ninja. It takes almost a half-minute for Yoshimitsu to wiggle her way out from underneath Faris.

<Death Canon: -0H, -11E / Atk +1, Def +1, Sp. Atk +3>
<Faris: -30H, -6E / Atk +2, Acc -2 / paralyzed (severe) / damage capped>
<Yoshimitsu: -6H, -10E / Sp. Atk +3>


Arena status:
Nothing in particular has changed. There is a Smoke Ball sinking in the brains.

Ref’s notes:
1. Pokedex used: Veekun @ http://www.veekun.com
2. RNG used: Random @ http://www.random.org
3. Oh, the confusion. Last round Blazhy took into account Death Cannon’s signature attribute - which would have been nice, except that it was Death Canon who was sent out. I didn’t recalculate last round because the only thing affected was Speed, but all those Porygons are confusing.
4. No stat changes except those already present from previous rounds, no criticals, and only one status condition. This was a pretty simple round.
5. Just in case you’re wondering, the midround stats show how much net damage everyone took without the damage cap, while the end-of-round stats take into account the damage cap.
6. My interpretation of Aerial Ace is based on its Japanese source, which you can read about on Bulbapedia.
7. I know that Bug Buzz is one-target-only, but in a realistic context using sound that way just doesn’t rub me the right way, but luckily I had an easy way out because Porygon is electronic.
8. Death Canon “stole” the Smoke Ball which has changed hands once before, but since it was already holding an Upgrade, could not hold two items at once, and had no orders to switch them, I assumed that it would toss the Smoke Ball away, almost more like Knock Off.
9. Yoshimitsu’s Giga Drains recovered 8% a pop, rounded down from half the 17% damage they dealt.
10. I’m operating under the assumption that after the damage cap is hit, further draining attacks will restore health equivalent to what they would have done sans cap, rather than half of the zero damage they actually dealt. I’ll correct that if it’s wrong.
11. Faris expended an extra 1% energy each of the last two actions to strike through her paralysis, which luckily never blocked her from attacking successfully.
12. The accuracy drop from Flash last round is beginning to dissipate. As far as I can tell, it reduced Faris’s accuracy by -2, so as of the third action this round, the drop is reduced by 1.
13. Based on the “non-Newtonian fluid” thing in the description, I’m imagining the brains to be somewhere along the thickness/viscosity/solidity of Silly Putty, especially since it’s been cooking (and probably softening up because of the soup) for hours. The liver and heart are still solid enough to stand on (rather than in).
14. Haha, this is such an example of the writers block troubles I have. I got done with the calculations and the first third of the round within less than a day, and it took me half a week more just to write the rest. But oh well, I enjoy it.
15. Linoone commands first next round, followed by Bluberry and then Meowth.

HI JACK I think you deserve a heart. <3

You can eat it if you want.

Plan Revenge for Ruined Tea is back in action! Canon, let's get smashin'.

Even though she's paralyzed, the pirate should still be faster than both you and Yoshimitsu, which isn't too great for our ninja friend here. We can't really do anything about that, so just drink some delicious soup while Yoshimitsu Giga Drains Faris to Davy Jone's locker.

If Faris Dives under the brains before Yoshimitsu can Giga Drain, just drink more soup, since Faris would have zero accuracy down in the murky depths. There's nothing to worry about there.

If Yoshimitsu isn't going to Giga Drain the life out of that pirate at all this round, send a Tri-Attack @ Faris to finish the pirate off, if you can hit it.

Of course, if anyone sends a status-inflicting move your way, Magic Coat that back to them. This is top priority. Run this check before you run anything else.

Sable, I'm counting on you! Go beat that tea-ruiner!

Omnomnom soup/Magic Coat/Tri-Attack @ Faris ~ Omnomnom soup/Magic Coat/Tri-Attack @ Faris ~ Omnomnom soup/Magic Coat/Tri-Attack @ Faris

YOU DESERVE MANY HEARTS. <3 <3 <3 We'll make a fresh bowl of soup for you when we're done. Perhaps we can add Mike's brain, he's not using it.
His liver too. He might be using it, but he still owes us.

ALL RIGHT MIKE, THE DREADED PIRATE TEA RUINING DREADLORD, NOW YOU PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD. OR YOUR TEA. IF YOUR BLOOD IS MADE OF TEA LIKE I SUSPECT IT WOULD ACTUALLY BE HIGHLY CONVENIENT.

YOSHIMITSU, GIGA DRAIN HER TO DAVY JONES' LOCKER.

Unless she runs and/or hides. >l in which case om nom nom some of that liver because yummy health.

Giga Drain Yada Yada @ stupid pirate / Omnom Liver x3

I hate you both, you know that

Just Aerial Ace the stupid bug until you die I guess because this isn't even fair anyway.

Aerial Ace @Yoshimitsu ~ Aerial Ace @Yoshimitsu ~ Aerial Ace @Yoshimitsu

The luck Faris had last round in being able to attack through her paralysis turns around almost immediately. Barely before she can even move, her legs and back stiffen uncontrollably, leaving her perfectly open for Yoshimitsu to strike again. The green energy Yoshimitsu sucks from Faris is a sicklier color now, and totally dries up before the ninja is finished with her attack. Death Canon looks up from taking in soup through her intake valve just in time to see the referee’s flags wave; Faris has been KO’ed, and the round is now over prematurely.

<Death Canon: -0H, -5E / Atk +1, Def +1, Sp. Atk +3, Sp. Def +1>
<Faris: -17H, -1E / Atk +2, Acc -3 / paralyzed (severe) / KO’ed>
<Yoshimitsu: +8H, -10E / Sp. Atk +3>


Arena status:
Nothing in particular has changed. There is a Smoke Ball sinking in the brains.

Ref’s notes:
1. Pokedex used: Veekun @ http://www.veekun.com
2. RNG used: Random @ http://www.random.org
3. I forgot to mention this last time, but I’ve changed reffing scales from Negrek’s to Kratos’s, which AFAIK don’t have any major differences except the degree to which stat changes increase stats and the fact that Kratos’s is a calculator which is amazing. (Kratos’s gives stat changes a higher effect, I think; it’s +2 damage per +1 stat, and I used to use a 1-to-1 ratio but I don’t know if that’s on Negrek’s scale or if I just made it up.)
4. I messed up the command order last round (didn’t make very much of a difference, though) and here is my attempt to correct it: Meowth sends out, then Bluberry commands, followed by Linoone and finally Meowth.

>:c

I'll send out Freya (Sandshrew).