Thread: In Progress The Reapers
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Old 09-30-2016, 11:12 PM
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Default Re: The Reapers

To boot, it was highly irregular for even one person to be in town; as for the name, i'll openly admit that was a bit clumsy... But there wasn't any opportunity to stick his name in naturally through dialogue for awhile, and i think it would've been odd to stick his name in anywhere other than his initial introduction, and referring to him as "the man" or whatever for as long as it took for a natural name reveal to fall into place would be way messier than just putting his name in a weird place... But, if you can think of a more natural place to put it, i'm totally game.
Oh, you mean it was unusual because all the residents are holed up inside, right? (If not, what do you mean it was unusual for even one person to be in town?) So what was surprising was that he was outside, not that he existed in the town in general, which is the way the sentence reads now. If you wanted to rearrange the sentence to put emphasis on the fact that he was out and about rather than that he existed, you could do something like:

"Surprisingly, there was another man [about/outside/who hadn't retreated to the safety of his home/etc.] that night, a [your descriptor here] by the name of Adam Gent."

It's specifically the "in town" that confused me about the original sentence, because I read it as "living there in general" rather than "being out and about tonight, specifically."

If all you wanted was to get his name in there somewhere and not dwell on the surprising-ness of his being there, I would probably just put a different transitional sentence in that spot, something like, "Not far away, Adam Gent waited for his associate to arrive" or whatever.

They were both walking, before; they resumed their walks, which were previously separate, together. Is there a smoother way of expressing this?
Right, it's just that the wording "they resumed their walk" makes is sound like one walk, belonging to the both of them, that's being resumed. "Fletcher grunted indistinctly and resumed his walk." ("Nondestinct" isn't a word, btw.) You can specify that Gent followed/fell in beside him/etc. if you like, although it's not necessary. Alternatively, if you wanted the emphasis to be on the fact that they were walking together from that point on, you could instead say something like, "Fletcher grunted indistinctly, and a moment later the two of them set off together" or whatever.

What's wrong with "imperative?" The way i've always seen it used refers to a sense of urgency/authority/command, and a quick google search doesn't give me any reason to think otherwise; "imploring," as far as i've always perceived, implies more of a request than an order, so that doesn't feel right. The criticism on "pace" is fair, though.
Ah, yes, that's what it means. "Imperative" seemed off for Gent's character to me; he doesn't strike me as the commanding type. If that's what you wanted, then it's fine, but it seems strange that that's the only time Gent acts as the more authoritative person in the prologue.

As for "looked... with a look" is clumsy, i agree, but what would you suggest? I want to convey the same meaning without having to use the same root word more than once, but i can't think of a way that sounds even LESS natural.
"...then he stared down at his own body with a look of utter befuddlement as George snuck over to the man's wife, who was laying in bed peacefully."

If you don't like "stared," use your own favorite "look" verb that conveys the particular quality of looking that you want.

"...then he looked down at his own body, utterly befuddled, as George snuck over to the man's wife, who was laying in bed peacefully."

Unless I'm missing something, the POV here is third omniscient, so you can just say how the guy felt.

Or be more explicit about what you mean by a "look of befuddlement," e.g. "...then he looked down at his own body, mouth hanging half-open, as George snuck..."

Or you could restructure the sentence somehow, but there are plenty of edits that would only change a couple words.

Given that, i think i did an okay job at conveying what i intended to, though perhaps it could've been done more excitingly, though i couldn't think of an opportunity that would present all these points in a fashion more exciting than the one i put... and that's a personal flaw of mine as a writer, really, and something i can't do much about aside from practise.
Sure, sounds fine. I wouldn't really worry about it. It's what's in store for the first chapter that's more important now!

In which an undead trainer, a bloodthirsty super-clone, and an irascible ex-Rocket grunt set out to rescue an imprisoned Mew--if they don't end up murdering each other first.

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