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Funny Moments at School V2

Well, our language arts/English teacher is pregnant (and not in an early stage, either). While I was writing about bacon in my binder, the conversation somehow got to this subject.

Kiera: I hope you get pregnant in our class!
Everyone: *bursts out laughing*
Kiera: I mean give birth in our class!
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Teacher: Actually, it would also be I nice story if I gave birth during parent-teacher conferences.
Mary: Your child is doing *screams*
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And a few weeks ago when she had to use the bathroom during class:

Someone: Maybe she's giving birth in the bathroom?
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We have these things going on called the "[TOWN NAME HERE] Olympics," where the students in my school participate in things like Californian kickball (which is hard but insanely fun <3). We have assigned homeroom classes that represent a certain country. My U.S. history teacher is representing Czech Republic:

Teacher: ...and we are teaching all of our students to say important phrases in their language!
Teacher: *types something on his laptop and plays some man talking*
Teacher: That is one of the most important ones, meaning "Where is the toilet."
Teacher: *plays another sequence*
Teacher: That means "My hovercraft is full of eels."
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Finally, at lunch:

Me: What's the difference between rap and hip-hop?
Kiera: Rap is like fast talking, and hip-hop is more like actual singing.
Me: Oh, so like Beyonce is hip-hop.
Kiera: Yeah.
Me: Boom-boom POW
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EDIT: So I don't double post.

In reading class:

Logan: *sits down in chair*
*chair slides backwards*
Logan: OSH-
*everyone looks up and laughs*
Teacher: Get back to work please.
Russel: How to sit down. 1: Plant ass firmly in chair.
Logan: I shall write an epic on how to sit down.
Me: You should be an author in that one series. Like, How to Sit Down for Dummies.
Me: And its sequel, How to Stand Up for Dummies.
*everyone chuckles a bit*
Me: And Fat Asses.
*table busts out laughing*
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In U.S. history:

Question on Worksheet: What was the purpose of the Lewis and Clark expedition?
Me: *writes* TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
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It was when I met this guy named Alfredo and, naturally, the first thing that came to mind when I heard his name was pasta. You see, I love the Alfredo pasta that my mother makes. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Hi!!!! So what's your name?? =D
Alfredo: ...Alfredo O.o
Me: OMG really? Alfredo is like my favorite food! I can eat Alfredo for a whole week without getting tired!
Everyone: ...
Pyro: *bursts out laughing*
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Dirty minds much? '-__-
 
Yesterday a teacher was giving a speech before he announced the science fair winners.

Teacher: Find out what turns you on. Figure out what your going to do with it.

Judging by the amount of giggling in the room, everyone's mind jumped to the same place.
 
Math Teacher: (is once again talking about numbers like they're real people)(and is female) I'm trying to get him to go all the way down.
Random Kid: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
 
Uh, sooooo this was at our school's random concert-thing.

Also it will not make sense unless you read the explanation:

Me: Matt, my friend is coming. The one that you're stalking.
Matt: When I see her, I'm gonna say, *in really deep voice* "Hello, I am your stalker. Mwahahaha."
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When she actually gets there:

Matt: *gets confused and doesn't realize that Jeanine is the girl he's stalking*
Me: Matt, that's Jeanine, who you're stalking.
Matt: Oh, I got confused cause I didn't know it was you. I was gonna say *in really deep voice again* "Hello, I am your stalker. Mwahahaha."
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Explanation is that a friend decided to tell me at random intervals that I am mad of awesome, and another friend was gonna text her telling her to text me. I gave her the number, and our friend Matt stole it and sent her the text instead. So now Matt is officially that friend's stalker.

...yeah my friends are weird
 
Today in first period, the fire alarm went off. The teacher ignored and finished his paragraph (a good thirty seconds), then put his pen down and said, "As far as I know, this is not a drill. Please walk calmly to the exit."
I was the only person who did not flee the room scraming hysterically.
(Turned out to be a system fault. D: we could have seen the school being burnt down but it was just a system fault.)

Also, in science:
Teacher: Set the experiment up to about ten centimetres so that if the weights fall off they won't damage the desk.
*All groups do so except the one next to us, who set it up about a metre up*
*Weights fall off* CRUNCH.
(This left a visible crack in the desk, by the way.)
Teacher: Who was that?
Group next to us: ...Us?
Teacher: GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM! YOU GET INSTRUCTIONS FOR A REASON! IF YOU CAN'T FOLLOW THEM, YOU CAN GO OUTSIDE AND PRACTICE! I'LL BE SENDING A LETTER TO YOUR PARENTS! I'M SURE THEY'LL LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT THIS AND PAY THE THREE HUNDRED POUNDS NEEDED TO REPAIR THAT DESK!
Class: O.o
Me: -.-' *Continues experiment*
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My band teacher may be funny, but my art teacher is hilarious. Two funny things happened today within a couple minutes of each other.

Mrs. B was showing us how to paint our color-wheel-masks by pulling the brush towards you; she said she once had a class who pushed the brush away from them on the paper for some reason. I've never seen anyone like that either. Then she emphasizes the "pull your brush towards you while painting"...

Mrs. B: Remember that the paintbrush is not a lawnmower.
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Mrs. B: ...and I actually got a degree in PAINTING, so I am a genius.
(A few other kids and I start laughing.)
Mrs. B: *stares at me accusingly*
Me: O.O I just thought that statement was funny... not like it's false or anything...
Mrs. B: Apparently [Cryptica] thinks my genius is funny.
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This happened a while ago, when we were working in math groups for a math tournament. All our group did was argue, so finally our Math teacher stepped in and told us to start helping each other, and this is what ensued.

Me: OK, next step, what's 8x7?
Reanna: 64?
Gurwinder: No, it's 57!

And the saddest part was that I was the only one that laughed, even though our whole group was listening. Then we just went back to arguing. And, to top it all off, we won the tournament by eleven points, which caused the teacher to rethink holding the tournament next year.
 
Matt: I know a freshman who's all of you put together, plus five other people.
Tia: Well, Rachel's not much of an addition!
Matt: yeah, you're a twig. you have to eat three-hundred-fifty...hundred calories a day.
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The next day...

Tia:Can you do me a favor?
Me: Sure, what is it?
Tia: Can you give blood, I need a hundred for an Anatomy quiz.
Me: I'm not sixteen and I'm not 120 pounds, sorry. :(
Tia: You're not? Matt's right, you do need to eat more.
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Today in my history class we were talking about Teddy Roosevelt. My teacher abbreviated his name TR. I was making Team Rocket jokes to myself the entire time.
 
Me: *holding up a strangely-shaped M&M* it looks like a jelly bean o.o
Tia: ...it looks like something else to me.
Me: OH GOD now I don't want to eat it anymore :(
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so of course we decided to give it to our goofy friend ricky. dunno why

Me: ricky! do you want an M&M?
Ricky: Sure! *takes*
*Tia and I start giggling*
Ricky: ...what is it? Is it the shape?
Me: *nods*
Ricky: *throws M&M onto the floor*
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Yesterday we played "review basketball" in Government to prepare for today's test. Leading to:

Teacher:*After asking a few trivia questions* Those last ones won't be on the test, by the way, I'm just asking them for the heck of it.

Then someone came in late:

Teacher: Just grab a spot on a team.
Girl: Over there, go over there. Oh, wait, you can shoot, come over hear!
Late kid:*flicks girl off and goes to other team*

Then the only person who had gotten a 5-point shot from across the room last time we played tried for a 1-point shot about 2 feet away from the basket(which was a trash can, BTW)....and missed.

And today, when we took the test:

Teacher: I'll take one more, last minuet question.
Kid: What's [the answer to] number one?
Teacher:...I'll take another one.
 
So I have this friend who's really good at everything he does. I'm not kidding. He's especially good at card games during lunch. Particularly Egyptian Ratscrew. He always fucking wins no matter what.

However, on this day he had to go make up a math test or something at lunchtime. So me and the third guy play ERS by ourselves and we're pretty evenly matched. It almost looks like I'm winning, which never happens simply because I am. I almost have the entire deck, and then suddenly...

Douche-who's-good-at-everything comes from nowhere, sits down and slaps himself into the game (two Jacks, by the way), and then in some kind of creepy hivemind way all three of us start humming "Cornered" from the Phoenix Wright games. Douche then proceeds to win within five minutes.

He noted later that I had the most broken expression, like a part of me died inside when he squelshed my moment of glory.
 
Every Friday, for the five classes after Music (double-Ag Science, Computers, Geography and English), my friends and I play CounterStrike (three hours and twenty minutes of tactical combat ftw).

Today, I was CT and my friend Gary was a terrorist. He kept trying to get to a high position on one particular level. I always waited nearby and shot him in the head as he was climbing the ladder.

For the last run of that particular map, Gary decided to undo my plan by throwing a frag grenade at the spot where he saw me hiding, then climbing the ladder while I ran. He threw the grenade, ran up the ladder, got the high position and started gloating. Then I shot him. You see, I had already taken the high position. The person he grenaded? His only surviving teammate.

CTs won.
 
Alraunne said:
Douche-who's-good-at-everything comes from nowhere, sits down and slaps himself into the game (two Jacks, by the way), and then in some kind of creepy hivemind way all three of us start humming "Cornered" from the Phoenix Wright games. Douche then proceeds to win within five minutes.
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That is officially completely awesome. I can't remember any of the PW songs off the top of my head.
 
So, we're in Biology, dong a 'lab' on genetics and hereditary traits and genes. As I attend an all-girls school, it was an awkward subject to begin with. We had to decide who would be the 'father' and who would be the 'mother'. We are required to sketch our 'child' once we have finished determining its traits. At the point where most of us have started our drawing, the teacher comments,
"Wow. You guys sure are taking a long time making these babies." One of my friends shot back,
"HEY! IT TAKES NINE MONTHS!"
 
*everyone in Social Studies watching Glory*
Everyone: *talking during movie*
*Morgan Freeman slaps some other guy in the face during movie, eveyone gets quiet*
Me: ...BI-TCCCCH
Everyone: *laughs*
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*walking with friends Sarah, Si'Qwayi, Elias, Omari, and a cute kid I liked named Elijah*
Elijah & Elias: *horseplaying with each other, Elias actually gets hurt*
Elijah: *jokingly* I'm sorry, Elias, I love you! *tries to give Elias hug, looks really wrong*
Elias: *starts squirming*
Me: My God, Elijah, I support your decisions and all, but don't rape Elias in public!
*teachers and random students stick their heads out of classrooms, we get yelled at*
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Teacher: *starts going through my iPod after she's hooked it up to the computer and finds "Bohemian Rhapsody", starts to play it*
Kids: What the hell is this?!
Teacher: Lili's iPod.
Kid: Lili, are you a druggie or something?!
Me: *bursts out laughing hysterically like an idiot*
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a month ago there was this poetry contest, a 'poetry slam'. we (audience) had to do a call/response thing. one of the responses was 'because [school name] needs more windows of opportunity.' To make the statement true, our table decided to say it loudly, but without the 'of opportunity' part. (hey, we only have windows in 3 of our hallways (granted they're huge). And NONE in our classrooms. 0.)
 
*Me, Bailey, and Debbie (seated in a 'triangle' are doing out mathwork*

Random 6th Graders (from the hallway): I'M ONLY GONNA BREAK BREAK YOUR BREAK BREAK YOUR HEART!
*class giggles*
*me and friends mentioned start singing the rest of the song quietly*

Also, in art class we had a substitute who looks like Jesus, and everyone calls him things like Jesus or Mr. Jesus or The Jesus Substitute.
Tanner (a kid i hate in my class who makes fun of my name): ITS JESUS!
Jesus Substitute: No, if I were Jesus, I could shoot lightning bolts out of my fingers.
*class starts laughing*
Random Know-it-all: You're confusing Jesus with Zeus.
Class: ...

And social studies ( a while back)

Teacher: MILES! Do you like the name fjord? (was just talking about fjords)
Miles: Sure...?
Teacher: Would you ever name your kid that?
Miles: I'm not having kids.
*some of class starts giggling*
Teacher: But what if your wife wants kids?
Miles: That's what condoms are for.
*entire class laugh for like five minutes straight*
 
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