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In Progress Chromatic
- Thread starter EchoedSeel
- Start date
Clover
neither simple, nor coherent.
There's a lot of minor punctuation bits that could be fixed up, so instead of saying "comma after 'yes', 'bye', 'said'" every three sentences, I'll just fix them and hope you realize what was changed and why. Any questions you have please ask, of course.
Unique story title, and not so unique chapter title. There isn't even a dawn in the story.
"The announcement was responded to" is about the most passive way you could have written that statement. Always try for active tense. I'd say "The audience applauded thunderously as..."
Hooray, a fairly normal OC name. (I'm going to try to respond to the positive bits as well as the negative.)
How do you toss a Poké Ball "professionally"? This isn't even 'okay, I can kinda see what you mean' - I have no clue. Show, don't tell, and your readers will be able to visualize it.
Is the bubbles comment a reference to poké ball seals? If so, nice detail. Also, not so many trainers choose lumineon of all things as their favorites, so grats there too for not sticking her with an eevee or a starter like everyone else.
You can omit 'opened and' as it's obvious it opened from context.
Aw, no, no, no, come on. Everyone and their brother, and their brother's aunt, and their brother's aunt's hairdresser, starts with their trainer waking up. I am completely serious. Vonnegut's rules for writing: please read. Start close to the end.
Never use all-caps. (Okay, there are maybe two exceptions, but. Never use all-caps.)
"Chloe's alarm clock" isn't a sentence. Omit "to herself" - it's impossible for her to think 'to' anyone (disregarding psychic pokémon).
Delete the second question mark. Never use more than one of each ending punctuation mark unless you're being ironic, and then only two.
Only attach one adverb to speech verbs, if that. You use 'quickly' twice within five words, don't.
Well, at least you don't feel the need to list every piece of clothing she's wearing and every essential item she packed. That's definitely a plus.
You use 'and' three times and 'ran' twice in the same sentence. I'm not saying to color it purple, just reword and switch up your word choice.
Never use all-caps.
How is it a 'humble' laboratory? Is it dirty? Tiny? Prone to dismissing its accomplishments? Show, don't tell.
"Subtle"? Not the word you're looking for. Omit 'belonging to' to clear some passive tense.
And this implies she recognized him from his voice, and not, you know, what he looked like. What does he look like? How old is he? How old is she? We have no clue. Show, don't tell.
When used as a construction like my/her/the professor, it's 'professor'. It's only as a title, connected to his name or otherwise, when it's 'Professor'. Basically, decapitalize the first mention of the word. I wouldn't capitalize 'region' either, but I guess as long as you're consistent it's acceptable.
Every main series Professor of Pokémon has been named after a tree in phylum Magnoliophyta, class Magnoliopsida. They're not just pulling names out of a dendrological journal. There are plenty of choices in that category; Dogwood is not one of them. (Though I keep reading it as 'Dagwood', and that makes me laugh.)
Okay, I understand this is animé canon and not game canon, but still, if you're going to have three set pokémon that this professor gives out to everyone around, you better have a good reason that she won't see every other nearby trainer with them or their evolutions.
Omit 'then'. Both of them. And the first 'is'. And end the sentence at 'room' and start a new one following it. Delete 'and said'. And the 'and' between 'young' and 'aspiring' - he can't be both a young trainer and an aspiring trainer. Punctuation goes inside quotation marks (mostly). It's 'off', not 'of'.
I left this as is to show how important it is for you to get a proofreader before publishing your stories on the net. None of these mistakes would be filtered by a computer spellchecker, so you ought to find someone willing and able to beta if you're having trouble.
Content-wise, I figure the lab's in her hometown since she didn't mention routes, so did she really need to run? And run so far and so fast, she needed to catch her breath? And if she's so worried about running late, why does the professor mention 'hurrying off to prepare'? Just... what.
Don't capitalize 'contests'. You wouldn't capitalize 'battles', would you?
Again, she thinks to herself. To distinguish from, perhaps, thinking to the ancient Egyptian pharaoh living inside her mind.
She packed a backpack the night before, but is only now worrying about her first pokémon? I would think realistically she'd be mulling it over for the past few weeks, if not months, if not years. This is a life-changing experience; life-altering decisions do not work that way.
Stop with the thinking ~to herself~ seriously.
Again, if the lab is in her hometown, professors' labs aren't known for being located in huge cities. Assuming they've both lived in the current location for a while, especially if they're around the same age, there's next to no chance they'd be strangers.
"she heard a voice say the source of the greeting was" you are not getting paid by the word stop it. Concise is nice.
Don't need two 'said' clauses. At least it looks like the adverb thing at the beginning was an anomaly, and you're not staying away from 'said' like it kicked your puppy when you were a kid like too many other writers.
Did you mean for 'Braden' to be so close to 'Brandon' aka Ruby?
Don't capitalize 'contests'.
Telling him 'pointedly' makes her sound overly sensitive or stuck-up. "Oh, you prefer ~battling~ with your pokémon like nearly every other kid in your situation? How positively ~gauche~."
Omit 'and said'. If it's obvious who's speaking, you don't need more narrative bits.
Splitting this paragraph up as it's the longest. You should start a new paragraph with each new speaker, yes, but it's fine to split them up even when it's the same person - for instance, after the introduction to each pokémon. I've simply split it where it's easier to comment, and not necessarily where it should be in the finished product.
Anyway, tenses are weird. "He led them back to the front room, where they faced a table..." Less wordiness leads to less pseudo-passiveness leads to a cleaner read and quicker pacing.
Kangaroo... -like pokémon. Is it the size of a kangaroo? Considering it's on a table, I doubt it.
'It', 'he', 'it', 'it', 'it'. Stick with 'he'.
Okay just totally rewriting this bit: "... he stopped and fell comically on his back. He picked himself up, and performed a pose that appeared as if it had been rehearsed for that moment."
Note what changes I made.
A puzzle piece... -like pokémon. Again, I imagine it's not the size of a puzzle piece.
The displays they're putting on is cute. Reminiscent of sprite animations.
Used 'motioned' again too soon.
Kitten... -like pokémon. The thing is, they're obviously not what you state they are. Rattata and pikachu are mouse-like pokémon. Beautifly and butterfree are butterfly-like pokémon.
Why is the kix(-totally-not-a-blum-)aroo the only one who gets a gender? I could understand the puzol maybe being agendered (though being an ~official starter~ probably not), but you can use gendered pronouns it's really okay.
And oh god despite not mentioning types at all this is totally a dark-psychic-fighting ''''''triangle''''''' isn't it aw man no. No. Not a triangle.
He replied to the question just asked to him with a totally normal response? How unexpected!
Pretty sure 'starters' is as much of a fanon term as 'eeveelutions' and 'shiny'. The professor wouldn't use it.
"Sure, because when I shout out in excitement, it's 'blurting unexpectedly', but when ~you~ do it it's like you're Ash friggin' Ketchum!" meta-Braden says.
"Because it's not like you've had weeks or months or years to think about it. It's not like it's a firmly established rite of passage for 97% of kids your age to go out and 'start their journey'. I guess you never asked your parents about what it was like for them when they were a kid. Hell, it's not like you don't have the goal of succeeding in pokémon contests, so unless you're aiming for the tough ribbon on that pokémon you hadn't thought about until six seconds ago, why don't you go back to the kitchen and make Uncle Dogwood a big ol' sandwich."
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Don't captalize 'contest'. Or 'coordinator'.
Used 'happens' twice. Just say 'is'.
She didn't say anything about wanting to be a coordinator? She just said she likes contests.
Why wouldn't she know this already?? If it's so close to her town, wouldn't she have gone to see it before? I know it might feel like these characters just sprung into existence at the beginning of this chapter, but please at least pretend they had lives before then.
It's not the 'first' gym city, it's just the city with an official gym which happens to conveniently be the easiest in the league. Hm, think about budding trainers in Snowpoint City. Their journey would only get easier after they passed the initial hurdle. ^o.o^
Write out numbers with words.
Why is he telling her these fundamentals about her own chosen career path.
Omit 'then' and 'had' and 'that was' and the 'the' before 'Joyful' and replace 'said' with 'rumored'.
Don't capitalize 'legendary'.
At least you spell 'okay' correctly. You have no idea how many 'OK's or [shudder] 'Ok's I've seen.
... She's not gonna, you know, visit back home while she's still nearby and after she left the house in a rush? She doesn't think of showing her parents her new pokémon, eating breakfast, letting them wish her and her team luck and a great journey while her mother tears up in the doorway and the father says, "Make me proud, squirt"?
These characters had lives before this morning. Remember that.
That's a pretty lame rumor. Usually those things start as flickers in the corners of the eyes of impressionable people, or stories passed down through the years, impossible to tell the truth from the legend. So I'd think she'd have some idea of what it might look like, was told it looked like.
She didn't know why, but she wanted to, because she knew why.
Sure, okay.
Oh good it's over. Okay, here's the rundown: This was a pretty boring tale. New trainer wakes up. It's late. She gets a pokémon. She starts her journey. The superficial details are slightly improved with the new region (pick a more fitting professor name), new pokémon (dark-psychic-fighting is not a triangle), and different character goal (it'd help if she knew two figs about how to work on it, though!). Still, the framework is a tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme. Wait, no.
Chloe doesn't seem like a sue so far, but I've caught a troubling glimpse of the next chapter. She does seem incompetent and boring, which is nearly as bad.
To earn the 'O' in OT, Chloe is going to have to work some magic. I haven't been completely bored enough to stop reading here, but it's close; mostly just the momentum to keep reviewing in the hope you improve.
Your spelling is mostly okay, but learn how dialogue is formatted. Other than that, the mechanical aspect is decent.
Vary up your word choice, learn where to delete when possible, watch for passive voice.
Also, you sound like a pitiful puppy asking for reviews. Don't do that.
Unique story title, and not so unique chapter title. There isn't even a dawn in the story.
"The announcement was responded to" is about the most passive way you could have written that statement. Always try for active tense. I'd say "The audience applauded thunderously as..."
Hooray, a fairly normal OC name. (I'm going to try to respond to the positive bits as well as the negative.)
How do you toss a Poké Ball "professionally"? This isn't even 'okay, I can kinda see what you mean' - I have no clue. Show, don't tell, and your readers will be able to visualize it.
Is the bubbles comment a reference to poké ball seals? If so, nice detail. Also, not so many trainers choose lumineon of all things as their favorites, so grats there too for not sticking her with an eevee or a starter like everyone else.
You can omit 'opened and' as it's obvious it opened from context.
Aw, no, no, no, come on. Everyone and their brother, and their brother's aunt, and their brother's aunt's hairdresser, starts with their trainer waking up. I am completely serious. Vonnegut's rules for writing: please read. Start close to the end.
Never use all-caps. (Okay, there are maybe two exceptions, but. Never use all-caps.)
"Chloe's alarm clock" isn't a sentence. Omit "to herself" - it's impossible for her to think 'to' anyone (disregarding psychic pokémon).
Delete the second question mark. Never use more than one of each ending punctuation mark unless you're being ironic, and then only two.
Only attach one adverb to speech verbs, if that. You use 'quickly' twice within five words, don't.
Well, at least you don't feel the need to list every piece of clothing she's wearing and every essential item she packed. That's definitely a plus.
You use 'and' three times and 'ran' twice in the same sentence. I'm not saying to color it purple, just reword and switch up your word choice.
Never use all-caps.
How is it a 'humble' laboratory? Is it dirty? Tiny? Prone to dismissing its accomplishments? Show, don't tell.
"Subtle"? Not the word you're looking for. Omit 'belonging to' to clear some passive tense.
And this implies she recognized him from his voice, and not, you know, what he looked like. What does he look like? How old is he? How old is she? We have no clue. Show, don't tell.
When used as a construction like my/her/the professor, it's 'professor'. It's only as a title, connected to his name or otherwise, when it's 'Professor'. Basically, decapitalize the first mention of the word. I wouldn't capitalize 'region' either, but I guess as long as you're consistent it's acceptable.
Every main series Professor of Pokémon has been named after a tree in phylum Magnoliophyta, class Magnoliopsida. They're not just pulling names out of a dendrological journal. There are plenty of choices in that category; Dogwood is not one of them. (Though I keep reading it as 'Dagwood', and that makes me laugh.)
Okay, I understand this is animé canon and not game canon, but still, if you're going to have three set pokémon that this professor gives out to everyone around, you better have a good reason that she won't see every other nearby trainer with them or their evolutions.
Omit 'then'. Both of them. And the first 'is'. And end the sentence at 'room' and start a new one following it. Delete 'and said'. And the 'and' between 'young' and 'aspiring' - he can't be both a young trainer and an aspiring trainer. Punctuation goes inside quotation marks (mostly). It's 'off', not 'of'.
I left this as is to show how important it is for you to get a proofreader before publishing your stories on the net. None of these mistakes would be filtered by a computer spellchecker, so you ought to find someone willing and able to beta if you're having trouble.
Content-wise, I figure the lab's in her hometown since she didn't mention routes, so did she really need to run? And run so far and so fast, she needed to catch her breath? And if she's so worried about running late, why does the professor mention 'hurrying off to prepare'? Just... what.
Don't capitalize 'contests'. You wouldn't capitalize 'battles', would you?
Again, she thinks to herself. To distinguish from, perhaps, thinking to the ancient Egyptian pharaoh living inside her mind.
She packed a backpack the night before, but is only now worrying about her first pokémon? I would think realistically she'd be mulling it over for the past few weeks, if not months, if not years. This is a life-changing experience; life-altering decisions do not work that way.
Stop with the thinking ~to herself~ seriously.
Again, if the lab is in her hometown, professors' labs aren't known for being located in huge cities. Assuming they've both lived in the current location for a while, especially if they're around the same age, there's next to no chance they'd be strangers.
"she heard a voice say the source of the greeting was" you are not getting paid by the word stop it. Concise is nice.
Don't need two 'said' clauses. At least it looks like the adverb thing at the beginning was an anomaly, and you're not staying away from 'said' like it kicked your puppy when you were a kid like too many other writers.
Did you mean for 'Braden' to be so close to 'Brandon' aka Ruby?
Don't capitalize 'contests'.
Telling him 'pointedly' makes her sound overly sensitive or stuck-up. "Oh, you prefer ~battling~ with your pokémon like nearly every other kid in your situation? How positively ~gauche~."
Omit 'and said'. If it's obvious who's speaking, you don't need more narrative bits.
Splitting this paragraph up as it's the longest. You should start a new paragraph with each new speaker, yes, but it's fine to split them up even when it's the same person - for instance, after the introduction to each pokémon. I've simply split it where it's easier to comment, and not necessarily where it should be in the finished product.
Anyway, tenses are weird. "He led them back to the front room, where they faced a table..." Less wordiness leads to less pseudo-passiveness leads to a cleaner read and quicker pacing.
Kangaroo... -like pokémon. Is it the size of a kangaroo? Considering it's on a table, I doubt it.
'It', 'he', 'it', 'it', 'it'. Stick with 'he'.
Okay just totally rewriting this bit: "... he stopped and fell comically on his back. He picked himself up, and performed a pose that appeared as if it had been rehearsed for that moment."
Note what changes I made.
A puzzle piece... -like pokémon. Again, I imagine it's not the size of a puzzle piece.
The displays they're putting on is cute. Reminiscent of sprite animations.
Used 'motioned' again too soon.
Kitten... -like pokémon. The thing is, they're obviously not what you state they are. Rattata and pikachu are mouse-like pokémon. Beautifly and butterfree are butterfly-like pokémon.
Why is the kix(-totally-not-a-blum-)aroo the only one who gets a gender? I could understand the puzol maybe being agendered (though being an ~official starter~ probably not), but you can use gendered pronouns it's really okay.
And oh god despite not mentioning types at all this is totally a dark-psychic-fighting ''''''triangle''''''' isn't it aw man no. No. Not a triangle.
He replied to the question just asked to him with a totally normal response? How unexpected!
Pretty sure 'starters' is as much of a fanon term as 'eeveelutions' and 'shiny'. The professor wouldn't use it.
"Sure, because when I shout out in excitement, it's 'blurting unexpectedly', but when ~you~ do it it's like you're Ash friggin' Ketchum!" meta-Braden says.
"Because it's not like you've had weeks or months or years to think about it. It's not like it's a firmly established rite of passage for 97% of kids your age to go out and 'start their journey'. I guess you never asked your parents about what it was like for them when they were a kid. Hell, it's not like you don't have the goal of succeeding in pokémon contests, so unless you're aiming for the tough ribbon on that pokémon you hadn't thought about until six seconds ago, why don't you go back to the kitchen and make Uncle Dogwood a big ol' sandwich."
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned.
Don't captalize 'contest'. Or 'coordinator'.
Used 'happens' twice. Just say 'is'.
She didn't say anything about wanting to be a coordinator? She just said she likes contests.
Why wouldn't she know this already?? If it's so close to her town, wouldn't she have gone to see it before? I know it might feel like these characters just sprung into existence at the beginning of this chapter, but please at least pretend they had lives before then.
It's not the 'first' gym city, it's just the city with an official gym which happens to conveniently be the easiest in the league. Hm, think about budding trainers in Snowpoint City. Their journey would only get easier after they passed the initial hurdle. ^o.o^
Write out numbers with words.
Why is he telling her these fundamentals about her own chosen career path.
Omit 'then' and 'had' and 'that was' and the 'the' before 'Joyful' and replace 'said' with 'rumored'.
Don't capitalize 'legendary'.
At least you spell 'okay' correctly. You have no idea how many 'OK's or [shudder] 'Ok's I've seen.
... She's not gonna, you know, visit back home while she's still nearby and after she left the house in a rush? She doesn't think of showing her parents her new pokémon, eating breakfast, letting them wish her and her team luck and a great journey while her mother tears up in the doorway and the father says, "Make me proud, squirt"?
These characters had lives before this morning. Remember that.
That's a pretty lame rumor. Usually those things start as flickers in the corners of the eyes of impressionable people, or stories passed down through the years, impossible to tell the truth from the legend. So I'd think she'd have some idea of what it might look like, was told it looked like.
She didn't know why, but she wanted to, because she knew why.
Sure, okay.
Oh good it's over. Okay, here's the rundown: This was a pretty boring tale. New trainer wakes up. It's late. She gets a pokémon. She starts her journey. The superficial details are slightly improved with the new region (pick a more fitting professor name), new pokémon (dark-psychic-fighting is not a triangle), and different character goal (it'd help if she knew two figs about how to work on it, though!). Still, the framework is a tale as old as time. Song as old as rhyme. Wait, no.
Chloe doesn't seem like a sue so far, but I've caught a troubling glimpse of the next chapter. She does seem incompetent and boring, which is nearly as bad.
To earn the 'O' in OT, Chloe is going to have to work some magic. I haven't been completely bored enough to stop reading here, but it's close; mostly just the momentum to keep reviewing in the hope you improve.
Your spelling is mostly okay, but learn how dialogue is formatted. Other than that, the mechanical aspect is decent.
Vary up your word choice, learn where to delete when possible, watch for passive voice.
Also, you sound like a pitiful puppy asking for reviews. Don't do that.
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Was going to review this eventually; don't have time for that now, but I feel compelled to comment...
Although who honestly cares how old he is?
Most of it is good advice, though. I just felt unable to let the botany thing go.
Yes it is.
This seems like a contradiction, given that you just stated that it was a good thing that EchoedSeel didn't list a bunch of stuff about the protag's appearance. I understand what you mean, but perhaps give an example of how one could incorporate appearance information effectively.
Although who honestly cares how old he is?
There should be no comma in that rewritten sentence.
Most of it is good advice, though. I just felt unable to let the botany thing go.
Clover
neither simple, nor coherent.
Whoops. That's what I get for going to Wikipedia first off. Didn't see it along the sidebar, so assumed incorrectly.
I didn't mean "tell me he's thirty-five years old", hence the shorthand of 'show don't tell'. Similarily to those people who list the exact height and weight of their protag when they should just go 'medium' or 'slender' or 'pleasantly plump', it'd be nice to have an image of if he's closer to Elm's or Rowan's age.
I just assume she's ten, so if she is, I guess he doesn't need to mention it.
As for an example...
The bit about small towns and people knowing everyone helps here too. In the animé, Ash had met Professor Oak. Same for the first two games (in the third May had just moved into town, and I don't remember the fourth well, but I think he didn't know him cause he was in the next town over). But yeah, this is just an example of how I would express some more appearance into the narrative.
Right again. And that's what I get for typing it at four in the morning.
Thank you! I appreciate that coming from you - I'm a big fan of your fics.
Eh, whenever I get too confident, there's always someone to knock me down a peg. I did say I was lame at writing in my own story.
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Clover
neither simple, nor coherent.
It's fine to spell it 'pokeball', 'Pokéball', 'poké ball', 'Poké Ball' or however you please, but be consistent. Last chapter you said 'Poke Ball' first, then 'Pokeball', and now it's 'pokeball'. Consistencyyy.
"Threw it out, sparing no energy in it, flinging it as hard as he could" all convey the same thing three different times. Choose one and stick with it.
Not a bad description of action, and even adds more to the kixaroo's personality that it's a show-stealer, an attention grabber.
Delete the 'then'.
I think I get what you mean by the pounced bit, but 'food' first made me think of dry kibble. Replace it with 'prey'.
Give them genders already.
"The cat merely glared at Kixaroo and yelped 'Kit, blakkit!'"
"I mean, yeah, I know we just recieved our first pokémon, and yeah, I said you should try out your blakkit, and yeah, I know there's no way you could have caught any more pokémon before I challenged you, but come on, what are you thinking?"
She just recieved her pokédex from the professor, didn't she? And he didn't offer her any choice of colors? This makes more sense in my headcanon where the professor is like her adoptive uncle. "Here you go, Chloe. I special-ordered this one for you, because I knew it was your favorite color ever." "Thanks so much, Uncle Louie!" (Also in my headcanon Professor Dogwood's first name is Louis.)
Seriously, she didn't know anything about the type chart? Even Ash, the world's doltiest ten-year-old, grasped... Wait, caterpie and pidgeotto, never mind. In contests they're of lesser importance too, so I guess it is plausible, forget I said anything.
Never use all-caps.
You realize the pokédex is first gen, rectangular, no functions but looking up pokémon data, right? The pokégear and pokéiforget and pokétch all had different names and a wider range of functions. I suppose it's an acceptable choice, but it's rather like giving them walkmans when they could have mp3 players. ETA: Forget that, I suck and didn't read up on pokédexes! (I kind of stopped watching the animé around... when Ash caught Heracross.) The pokédex deal is totally cool.
"Stop yellin' at me!" "WHAT? THIS IS MY NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE!"
Never use all-caps.
Only use one of each ending punctuation mark.
Starters don't know any elemental moves in the first fight. Do you know what starters know in the first fight? Pound. Tackle. Growl. Tail whip. And yes, scratch. Yes, this still applies to super special awesome not-a-triangle dark and fighting. She shouldn't have anything to worry about... unless I'm underestimating you and Chloe's an unreliable narrator because she doesn't know that type advantages only work with move types and not pokémon types. That would be a pleasant surprise.
Delete the second 'she said'.
Just for a small bit of detail, where did it scratch the kixaroo? Across the face, on the arm, swipe down the stomach?
It doesn't sound like it took long at all; you don't need the 'finally'.
And, of course, the optimistic alternative interpretation is dead in the water.
Hitmonlee themselves don't learn this move until level thirteen, and in the previous generations it took even longer. Your super special awesome starter will not know it at level five. He will know pound and tail whip.
Replace 'remarked' with 'wailed' or 'cried', perhaps.
Agh, okay, it's technically an acceptable alternative, but I personally can't stand 'alright'. Use 'all right'. ... pretty please?
Replace 'up' with 'finished'.
Delete 'around back' and 'itself'. And seriously, give them genders already.
Disregarding lucario, the earliest any pokémon can learn this move is level twenty-eight, and that's the pseudo-legendary larvitar line. The earliest any type one dark can learn it (weavile) is level forty-nine.
Your super special awesome starter will not know it at level five. She will know scratch and growl.
GENDERS. Usually I'd only mention this once, but you use 'it' four times in this paragraph to refer to two different pokémon and twice as a metaphoric 'it' and it's repetitive and confusing. Even if they were both the same gender, it'll still be easier to follow.
I haven't seen you make an its/it's mistake yet though, so there's that.
I'd think the energy would be going too fast for him to say all that? And also if it went in all directions why wasn't Chloe hit?
Delete everything between and including 'averted' and 'she' and replace 'its' with 'her own pokémon' or summat.
"Her pokémon responded by" you have two action verbs in this sentence you don't need a passive one. Example!: "Blakkit appeared to snap back to reality at her trainer's call. She sat calmly on her haunches licking her front paw as the fur along her back returned to its smooth pelt, and when her eyes shone again they were the original ochre, with no trace of the previous bloodthirsty ruby color."
Okay, 'appeared to' is only a step better than 'responded by', but it was just an example. Also I don't have a cat or know anyone nearby who has a cat so don't look to me for cat mannerisms.
I didn't mention this last chapter, but it's nice if thoughts and dialogue aren't formatted the same way. I prefer italics, or, in plaintext, //double slashes//, but you don't need any quotation marks. Up to you however you choose.
"That could have been bad if I hadn't stopped it! It's a good thing I'm nice enough to stop my godmoding first pokémon who knows a move nearly ten times her level and which somehow was able to completely bring down a pokémon of similar level in one shot with a type disadvantage! Why won't you love me?!"
"he said, obviously shaken up." Again, you are not being paid by the word. You can rewrite things for conciseness.
If it's 'obvious' he's shaken up it's not really 'reading his emotions' and anyway 'reading his emotions' sounds weird.
No way! Maybe because dark pulse is a move ten times her level.
Hm. I actually like this idea that she can be strong enough to know it (but not at level five) but still needs to train to control it. Still, I don't see why she needs to get in battles to train - it'd probably be less of a hassle to just go out to a clearing, have her bring up a dark pulse, recognize how it feels, perhaps work on targeting in a more concentrated beam. I understand she'll want more pokémon, but scratch would be preferable in that case, ne? And it's not like she cares about her leveling up anyway.
"She sounded aghast at the mere thought of looking at a gym building" is what I'd say instead of the third sentence to not use 'disgust' as much. Maybe add italics too - "I wouldn't be caught dead in a gym!"
Is it hatred or disgust? They're similar but different.
"in a flippant tone", perhaps.
Never use all-caps. Use italics or, occasionally, bold.
And wow I hope you're intending for her to sound as bitchy as she does. I think you are, actually, so grats there. Not sure if a ten-year-old girl would think of 'anger issues', but I guess I can see it.
Delete 'of'.
Never use all-caps. At least you stopped capitalizing 'contests'.
"You could never beat the first gym! It'd be way too easy! I defy you with my crazy moon logic!"
Wait, does he seriously expect her to not get any more pokémon between now and the E4? I mean... if she didn't there's no way she'd get anywhere near the E4, obviously, so I seriously don't understand "because your first pokémon was a dark type, every battle ever will come easy to you!" If he thought that, why didn't he choose the blakkit?
Why is he sounding personally offended that she doesn't want to battle anyway? "I'd ~never~ set foot in a ~gym~!" "... Oh, well, okay, whatever then. Have fun with your life."
Hm, I was expecting an "I'll show him! I can too win battles!" change of heart (which wouldn't make sense because yes, that's what he told her), so saying that she's even more focused on contests is a nice surprise.
Saying she "found herself" there kind of sounds like she has no memory of going.
And yet again, my hopes are shattered. "I'm disgusted by the mere ~idea~ of gym battles! I have absolutely no interest in battling at all! I chose my first pokémon merely on looks, and wondered not whether they were good fighters, but whether they would like to participate in contests. (Not that I asked either of them about it or have asked the one I got yet.)"
"Hey, with that pokémon there's no way you could take on the gym league! You'd clearly wipe out everyone with it!"
"Shut up, I hate battling! Let's go take on the gym, kitty!"
I mean, either she has negative interest in battling and doesn't battle, or zero interest and can be persuaded to battle... If someone argued with me that pickles were the best thing ever and it'd be easy to eat a pickle, I still wouldn't eat a pickle because I hate pickles and I think I lost my train of thought at the beginning of this paragraph.
You keep calling Blakkit 'the cat'. I think this is one of those things that'll be helped when you give them genders.
The semicolon isn't an excuse for a sentence fragment. "... to go, she was relieved it was..."
And wait how does she know this? From the last chapter, it sounded like Braden just informed her that the first contest was in Chroma City. He didn't say anything about any festival, and since it sounded like it was news to her, how...?
Thinking 'to herself' blah blah yeah.
The split between thinking and saying out loud is really awkward here; clarify.
It's not 'the Viridian Forest or 'the Ilex Forest' or what have you, it's 'Viridian Forest' and 'Ilex Forest' and 'Joyful Forest' so delete the 'the'.
"she said impatiently". Though neither really works with what she's saying.
Everything between and including 'in' and 'earlier' can be deleted, and maybe specify they were 'large' rocks.
I don't think she'll understand any more 'in-depth' if she speaks slowly. Also, there's a reason there's usually tall grass before forests - forests generally contain higher-leveled... but then this is animé canon and also the dark pulsing starter so you know what never mind.
Hm. This chapter might have been a good time to introduce some words regarding Chloe's appearance into the narrative. Of course, so could the first... "She removed her socks and pristine pink-and-white sneakers she had recieved specially for the journey, and rolled up her blue jeans to her knees so they wouldn't get wet. (She hadn't wanted to wear jeans, but her mom had advised her that her chosen miniskirt and leggings probably wouldn't last the first route.)" Something like that.
You've got some 'splaining to do regarding the completely non-first battle moves. And give them genders. And learn what to do when splitting a sentence in dialogue. If you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it."
Decide whether Chloe really, really would never do a gym battle, or if there's a chance she could. You can't eat your cake and have it too.
Continue looking for unnecessary words you can delete - you don't need half the time you use 'then'. That's about it.
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EchoedSeel
away for New Year
Thanks for all the advice! It's sure to better my writing. For anyone that actually reads and/or likes this and wants to follow it, go to www.pokestory.com . It's my new forum home.