Vipera Magnifica versus Ether's Bane

Nice job, Kamo. Use Super Fang unless he uses Protect, has a sub, or is underground. If he has a substitute, use Scald, but if he protects or is underground, use Rain Dance. That rain should help boost your attacks and maybe even fill the tunnels with water. On the second action, use Scald, but wait until Gulch moves before you attack. Use Scald once more on action three, and make sure you move second. If on action two or three he protects or digs down, just Chill out for a bit.

Super Fang / Scald / Rain Dance ~ Scald (wait) / Chill ~ Scald (wait) / Chill

Use Protect first, then Sandstorm, then Energy Ball.

Protect ~ Sandstorm ~ Energy Ball

Round seven, start!
Pre-round stats
Vipera Magnifica (oo)

Kamohoalii (♂) <Rough skin> @
Health: 47%
Energy: 44%
Status: I can... fly? I can fly! // Mildly paralysed for two more actions, crit ratio +2
Commands: Super Fang / Scald / Rain Dance ~ Scald (wait) / Chill ~ Scald (wait) / Chill

Gulch was a very, very clever ant. He could feel his brain beginning to pound from its extreme exertion. It took serious work to be quite as intelligent as a huge insect made of steel. Gulch had, in his past, seen truer ants, but ever wiser ones.

It did, of course, take a clever ant to realise when death was coming his way. Kamohoalii gave the durant a daring look, but Gulch was not intimidated; he just pushed all the harder with his already-potent shield, looking quite smug as Kamohoalii dashed forward, huge teeth bared. Once again, Gulch had outsma—

The protect barrier fizzled out without warning, leaving Gulch defenceless. It all happened so quickly, even this durant had little time to react before he was struggling on the ground, causing the userbar to quake slightly as he tried to squirm out of Kamohoalii's grip. The carvanha just bit all the harder, pupils dilating as his teeth grew bigger, faster, stronger, harder. ᕦ(ò_óˇ)ᕤ

At length Gulch realised that physical resistance was futile; through the pain he worked out that the carvanha probably wouldn't detach himself so easiy. No, this required a plan, and plans were something Gulch was quite good at... under normal circumstances. At the moment, it was a bit difficult to think through the anguish, but Gulch would think of something. He always did.

Aha! Genius! Before anyone could bark a command to him, a feral antstinct rose from within his bosom and exploded violently. Suddenly all of /r/atheism was bombarded by a wild sandstorm, the force of which sent Gulch's assailant sailing.

Kamohoalii landed with a thud on the userbar, hazy memories of his days in the sea suddenly flooding back. A hook through the jaw, a tall man in a sweat-stained polo shirt with the word "ASBER" monagrammed into it holding a line and examining the carvanha thoroughy. A few stifled words in a language Kamohoalii was yet to understand. And then thrown into the back of the truck.

Kamohoalii was snapped back to reality as the raging storm of dust whipped at his being, causing him to gasp for air. The action made him ponder briefly— gasp for air? He'd never done that before. Well, it wasn't worth overthinking. Before his mind could wander again, Kamohoalii carefully aimed a jet of scalding water, the stuff turning green and bubbly in his throat before he launched it. He groaned slightly as his cartilagous bones throbbed, then fired the jet Gulch's way, drenching the durant in hot water. The pokémon howled in protest, but was quickly shut up as the sand attached itself to his now-damp body, gradually turning him into a walking blob of cotton candy. Or cotton sandy, if you will.

Despite the thick buffer of sand covering Gulch entire body, his antennae still poked through, and gave him an accurate picture of the world around him. The durant chittered and launched another ball of energy, just as he had a few minutes before, towards Kamohoalii. The carvanha reeled as the verdant orb struck him, and then fired back yet another jet of water, this time more concentrated, so it burnt a hole through the sand and splashed directly onto the durant's face.

Still the sandstorm raged.
Post-round stats
Vipera Magnifica (oo)

Kamohoalii (♂) <Rough skin> @
Health: 26%
Energy: 6%
Status: Barely holding on. // Mildly paralysed for one more action, crit ratio +2, attack -1 for two more actions
Execute: Super fang ~ scald ~ scald

Arena Notes

• The userbar has collapsed onto itself where Gulch's tunnel had been.
• Entire sentences have fallen from their foundations.
• The reddit robot guy thing is still hiding in his tea kettle. He's probably having the time of his life.

Notes

• Ether's Bane commands first next.
• I put some extra energy on Gulch's energy ball because it did a lot of damage and also there's a sandstorm and he's covered in sand, so I felt like it maybe needed to have a higher cost.

Energy Ball first, but use Protect if he uses a damaging attack, or Hone Claws if he Protects. Then, use Thunder Wave, or Hone Claws if he Protects or can't be hit. Finally, repeat the first action's options.

Energy Ball/Protect/Hone Claws ~ Thunder Wave/Hone Claws ~ Energy Ball/Protect/Hone Claws

(I had a particularly devious idea of using Destiny Bond until I realized that would only shortchange me out of EXP and EB out of $4).

So instead,

Taunt ~ Brine ~ ded.

EDIT: wait, why did that first Scald not do any damage?

Round seven, start!
Pre-round stats
Vipera Magnifica (oo)

Kamohoalii (♂) <Rough skin> @
Health: 26%
Energy: 6%
Status: Barely holding on. // Mildly paralysed for one more action, crit ratio +2, attack -1 for two more actions
Commands: Taunt ~ Brine ~ ded

"Hey, what the fuck is going on?" Joseph stroked his neckbeard, curious. It appeared that inside the computer that sat on this old, scratched up desk raged a battle. Not just any battle, mind, but a taking place in what Joseph concluded to be the ultimate battlefield; /r/reddit itself. The only place he had ever felt at home. Joseph readjusted his fedora and sat down with a loud plop, chair legs groaning slightly beneath his weight. "Well, let's see what we've got here, fufufu."

Kamohoalii was winded, severely, and was wincing slightly as the vicious sandstorm whipped about him and left the occasional lash on his tough skin. However, he was still able to put on the air of bravado that he had mastered over the years. "You suck," he snarled at Gulch. "You're the worst durant ever. You look like cotton candy." Gulch, ever the level-headed ant, was able to discard these comments. Words could not hurt Gulch.

"You're stupid."

Gulch exploded. Hurt. Hurt. I wanna make that fucking fish hurt, bad. Gulch chittered, sending a huge ball of verdant energy Kamohoalii's way. Kamohoalii was smug yet, and hoped to evade the attack easily, but the sheer size and speed of the sphere made it difficult to dodge effortlessly. It struck Kamohoalii head on, but Gulch's rage only intensified, filling up the violet pearl embedded on his waist.

Kamohoalii chuckled as the durant rampaged, and began churning salty water in the back of his throat. He was beginning to run dry, what with the sandstorm and the lack of water, and it was physically taxing to create the brine. He realised at length that this would be his final attack, most likely; he would have to make it count. With a shout proclaiming the divine winds, Kamohoalii miraculously overcame his rheumatism and hit his mark through the sandstorm, then plopped to the userbar. Ded.
Post-round stats
Vipera Magnifica (xo)

Kamohoalii (♂) <Rough skin> @
Health: 6%
Energy: 0%
Status: Ded.
Executed: Taunt ~ Brine ~ ded

Arena Notes

• There is sand. Everywhere. In the air.
• The userbar has collapsed onto itself where Gulch's tunnel had been.
• Entire sentences have fallen from their foundations.
• The reddit robot guy thing is still hiding in his tea kettle. He's probably having the time of his life.

Notes

• Alas, Kamohoalii has fainted! I docked some of the damage from his brine thanks to his low energy, but I still let it hit, if that's okay?
• I'm not quite sure how this order of operations goes, but for the time being I'll say that Vipera Magnifica sends out and commands, and then Ether's Bane commands.

Gulch should have 6% more health because he hit the damage cap last round.

Also, Sandstorm lasts for nine actions.

I'll go ahead and post commands anyway.

You can't have a Sandstorm without Darude. Go on out there and Earthquake to your hearts content!

Earthquake x3

GG.

Iron Head ~ Iron Head ~ Iron Head

Round eight, start!
Pre-round stats
Vipera Magnifica (xo)

Darude (♂) <Hyper cutter>
Health: 100%
Energy: 100%
Status: EARTHQUAKE TIME.
Commands: Earthquake ~ earthquake ~ earthquake
Kamohoalii (♂) <Rough skin> @
Health: 6%
Energy: 0%
Status: Ded.

Gulch chittered triumphanltly as his foe fell to the ground with a plop, but his jubilee was cut short when a new, more menacing foe appeared on the field. Gulch could deal with a cool, calculative carvanha, as Gulch was fully equipped to fight a battle of wits. Unfortunately, Darude the trapinch didn't think. He destroyed.

And yet, the thrill of the swarm buzzed in Gulch's head, heart throbbing violently. He couldn't allow any opponent to best him; he was not only a smart ant, but a strong one. He would fight. Resolve firm, he charged, and planted his head firmly in Darude's side before he could respond. The trapinch went tumbling, beady eyes alight in surprise, but he took the hit without audible protest. His limbs were still rippling with energy, huge maw chomping slightly and causing a resounding chomp sound.

"I'll show you what a real ant can do, you silver shit." Gulch, still panting, stared at Darude in wonder as he began pounding the userbar with his stubby feet, causing it to ripple violently. Gulch was thrown into the air, totally caught off guard by the sudden attack. Darude cackled, little eyes ablaze, and continued stomping violently. Gulch landed, hard, coughing into the sandstorm.

Darude eyed Gulch haughtily, as if baiting him into an attack. Gulch had no time to be a smart and, not now. Now was the time to crush. Repeating his previous action, he made a mad dash for his foe, head lowered; as was expected, Darude didn't think, and wasn't able to react in time before being slammed by Gulch's iron head. The metal ant's cranium collided with the trapinch's ribcage with a sickening crack, but Darude released nary a pant. The trapinch had a very impressive pain threshold, apparently.

Gulch was beginning to pant doggedly, but Darude still stood tall and strong. Gulch refused to accept his defeat and looked up angrily, dashing one more time at his foe in a desperate final gambit. Darude merely grinned as he struck the ground again with his foot, sending the userbar rippling in waves Gulch's way. Gulch was struck and sailed backward, hitting the ground. He struggled momentarily in an attempt to stand, but his legs gave out, and he fell. Defeated.

Darude was hardly panting as the referee shot his green flag into the air, indicating a win from the right side. Ether's Bane reluctantly withdrew his pokémon and Vipera Magnifica followed suit; the two trainers met halfway and shook hands, then walked from the sides of the screen, disappearing and leaving the ref to the mess.

"Goddamn it," Joseph whispered, stroking his beard again. His neck curls were soft against his hard fingers. "I lied to you, actually. I don't have five dollars to give you." Adam groaned and punched Joseph in the shoulder jokingly, but the redditor grasped his arm defencively. "Hey, my bones are sensitive, and you know that..."
Post-round stats
Vipera Magnifica (xo)

Darude (♂) <Hyper cutter>
Health: 74%
Energy: 92%
Status: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Executed: Earthquake ~ earthquake
Kamohoalii (♂) <Rough skin> @
Health: 6%
Energy: 0%
Status: Ded.

Endgame

• Vipera Magnifica receives $16.
• Ether's Bane receives $8.
• I receive $10.
• Kamohoalii receives two experience and two happiness.
• Darude receives two experience and two happiness.
• Milenko receives one experience and one happiness.
• Gulch receives two experience and two happiness.
• There were a lot of errors in my reffings, thanks to you guys for putting up with them and helping a new referee get on their feet!

That was a fun battle! Thanks a lot Ether's Bane, you were a great opponent. And thanks a lot Dazel, your reffing has already improved a lot. Good game.