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One-Shot Intro to Science 101

Negrek

busy dizzy lazy
Staff member
Rating: T for some light swearing. Also, this is a parody. Please do not take it in any way seriously.
Author's Notes: So awhile ago Butterfree mentioned on Tumblr that she was tickled by the thought of an awful atheist conversion fanfic starring Dave, and I thought it would be pretty great, too. So here's my take on a fictional character's terrible atheist conversion fanfic about another fictional character! (With special thanks to Kratos Aurion for cahooting.) Happy birthday, Butterfree, and I hope you enjoy!

Intro to Science 101

"Good morning, Daddy," Jean said, padding into the kitchen. She'd probably been up for hours already watching cartoons, but she was still in her pajamas, her vulpix curls an untidy mess across her forehead.

"Morning," Dave grunted, barely glancing up. The only cereal he'd been able to find were some kind of oat things he could swear were fossilized, and it was taking all his concentration to choke them down without breaking a tooth or something. He really needed to remember to get groceries sometime. Maybe tomorrow.

"Daddy, did you really convince the Pope that evolution was real and save the Earth from global warming?"

"What?" Well, that got his attention. Jean was looking up at him with one of those wide-eyed, earnest looks she was so good at. "Where did you hear that?"

"It's on the internet."

Oh God, what? "Can you show me, Jean?"

She nodded, grinning like she'd been asked to share some delicious surprise, and darted out of the room, returning a couple seconds later with her tablet. "One of the girls in my class was saying there were all kinds of stories about you on the internet," she said as she passed it over. "They're so cool!"

Dave held the screen up in front of his face, trying to bring it into focus--God, it was too early for this on a Saturday, it couldn't even be eleven yet--and read:

"The birds were chirping outside as Professor David Ambrose got ready for his first day of class. He narrowed his cerulean orbs at himself as he looked in the mirror. The thirty-two-year-old was wearing his best suit, which neatly emphasized his lithe, 5'11" frame.

'This is it,' he said to himself as he combed his golden hair. 'It's time to mold some young minds.' Then he put on his sexiest red tie and got ready to drive to the university."

Dave stopped and re-read that last bit. What the fuck was this? Where the hell did Jean even--?

The vulpix morph stood at his elbow, watching anxiously for his reaction as he scrolled furoiusly to the top of the page. "Fan-fiction dot net?" What was--oh. Wait.

Dave started to smile a little as he glanced over the first few lines again. Oh, yes, he was starting to get it now. He chose a paragraph near the middle and went back to reading.

"'Good morning, class, and welcome to Intro to Science 101. I'm Professor David Ambrose, and you can call me Professor or Mr. Ambrose.' He took a moment to look out over the assembled students. Some of them were whispering to each other, and a few were engrossed in their laptops. A few were even paying attention. And there was a handful who were staring at him with hard-eyed looks. They were seated all together in a block, their textbooks out in front of them, unopened in the centers of their desks. Dave smiled knowingly to himself.

'Let's get started. If you'll turn to the first chapter in your textbook, we'll begin reading at "The Big Bang and the Creation of the Universe."'

Most of the students shuffled around, opening their books and getting out notebooks and pencils. The little group in the corner didn't budge. Only one of them moved, a girl near the front of the pack with little golden crosses dangling from her ears, who raised her hand.

'Yes, Courtney?' He remembered her name from taking attendance.

'Mr. Ambrose,' she said in a clipped, professional voice. 'This chapter goes against my religious beliefs. I object to being made to read it.'

'You don't have to read it. You'll just be taking zeroes on the next three quizzes,' Dave said. 'This is Intro to Science, miss Reynolds, not Intro to Fiction. If you're not willing to learn the facts about how the world works, you're better off finding another class.'

'The university mandates that all students attend Intro to Science, as I'm sure you know, Mr. Ambrose,' Courtney went on, completely unperturbed by Dave's sound reasoning. 'No doubt a part of the plot to turn us students into a bunch of godless liberals like yourself. But I'll have you know that I'm not about to let myself be brainwashed so easily, and neither are my friends.'

The rest of her group continued to stare at Dave in hostile silence, and a few others around the room were nodding their heads. Dave had to stifle a smirk. Look at all of them, so certain that they had all the answers right there in their dusty old book. Well, they'd see by the end of the course. They'd recognize that science had the real answers, and if they had two brain cells to rub together, they'd be the ones jumping ship to join the 'godless liberals' like him.

'That's fine, Miss Reynolds, as long as you recognize that your grade is going to reflect your inability to digest basic facts. Now, if everyone else in the class is ready to learn, let's start off with how the universe actually began. Spoiler alert, it had nothing to do with any imaginary grandpa figures."

It went on like that for quite a while. Jean had clambered onto the seat next to him and was pawing through his newspaper, looking for the comics. Dave skimmed for a bit, until he reached the part where it looked like things were really heating up.

"'I'm fucking scientist!' Dave snapped. 'Of course I know how the world works! That's my goddamn job. And come on, why would you believe some invisible sky-daddy over evidence you can see with your own eyes?'

'Well, nobody was around at the beginning of the universe, so you can't actually see the evidence with your own--' began one of the other students, who'd been playing games on his phone and had missed most of the debate.

'Are you questioning my science?' Dave questioned, glaring. 'We have measurements and stuff. That's what science is about!'

'Oh, really?' Courtney shot back.

'Yes!' Dave stood up as straight as he could, feeling an epic speech coming on. 'Science is about truth, Miss Reynolds! It's about the incontrovertible facts. I'm an atheist, Miss Reynolds, because the only authority I recognize are the laws of the universe themselves! I'm not about to put my head in the sand and blindly obey doctrines thought up by a bunch of people thousands of years ago, no. I'm a scientist and an atheist because I don't believe a bunch of made-up stories, and because I really want to understand how the world works, unlike some pathetic idol-worshipper without the spine to accept that this world is all we've got! I am no sheep, Miss Reynolds!'

Courtney grimaced as the rest of the class erupted into cheers and wild applause. She sunk back in her chair, obviously without any answer to that, and the rest of her little clique hunched down as far as they could, cringing and beaten.

Right on cue, the bell rang. 'Class dismissed!' Dave yelled over the last bit of scattered applause and shuffle of students packing up. 'First homework, a five-page essay on the scientific method and why it's superior to magical thinking!'

Dave stayed at his desk, putting away his notes while the students filed out. Most of them were talking excitedly about what they'd learned, but the group of religious kids were stony and quiet as they made their way to the door. A couple of them glared at Dave as they passed, Courtney among them. 'Jesus loves you,' she said quite evilly, and then exited the classroom.

One girl straggled along at the rear of the group, letting the others leave without her. She came up to Dave's desk, holding the textbook tight against her chest. 'Umm, Mr. Dave, sir?' she said in a timid voice. 'I was just thinking, umm, thinking about what you said and, umm, well...'

'Do you want to learn more about atheism?' Dave asked kindly.

The girl nodded, blushing a little. 'I mean, I've been a Christian all my life, but... I don't know, I mean, I guess it doesn't really make sense to believe in some book people wrote a long time ago when it's contradicted by things we can actually measure and understand.'

'Of course, of course,' Dave said. 'That's wonderful. Here, there are a couple of rationalist groups on campus. I'm sure they'd be happy to help you learn more about what it means to be an atheist, and support you if you decide Christianity isn't for you anymore.'

In no time at all she was hurrying off with the clubs' contact info, beaming like a whole new world had opened up before her. Dave smiled to himself as he finished packing up and left. Not bad for a first class. There were a few tough nuts to crack, sure, but there always were. He had a whole semester to work with, here.

A/N: Okay there it is, tell me what you think! I can't decide if I want Natasha to decide to convert because she gets cancer and realizes that no amount of praying can save her or after Dave humiliates her pastor in a debate. Leave a review and tell me which one you'd like to see more! Bye for now, I promise I'll have the next chapter up real soon!"

"Next chapter?" Wait, there was more of this shit?

Yes, actually, there was a link for chapter two right under the little note. Dave shook his head and grinned to himself as he scrolled back to the top of the page to look at who had posted the thing. "AwesomestRationalest," apparently. He tapped the link and brought up a user profile with a big picture of a pink teddy bear snapping a cross in half on it.

"Hi I'm AwesomestRationalest and I love science and atheism and writing fanfiction! Here are some facts about me:

Age: Between 13 and 23
Sex: F
Location: lol not telling u creeper!
Fav Quote: 'Only sheep need a shepherd.'

David Ambrose is my hero! I support Davewards, Davey-Jones, and ScietheShipping. I think I'm gonna try writing some ScietheShippy stories soon but NO LEMONS I'm not even old enough to be writing that kind of stuff lol!!!

I'm an atheist and not afraid to admit it! If you are, too, copy and paste this into your profile!"

It went on like that for quite a while. AwesomestRationalest had written a couple more stories about Professor David Ambrose's adventures, including one that had Jean in it, apparently. There were more like that, too, pages and pages of them, and not just about him, either. Cheryl, Brian, Howard, even the morphs, there were stories about all of them. A lot of them apparently involved boats for some reason, especially the ones with him and Mia in them.

Dave couldn't suppress a smile as he scrolled over the list. Imagine that. He had fans! And Cheryl always told him he was a "bad advocate" just because he didn't pull any punches when he got into debates with right-wing nutjobs, said he was just going to turn people off atheism if he kept "bashing" religion. Well, look at this, right here, all these young people getting inspired to learn more about science and to really question the outdated belief systems forced on them by their parents. It was him who'd done that, bashing or no. Well, maybe some of Haywood Labs' other members had, too; there were a handful of stories about them, after all. But still.

And, okay, it was a little creepy that they knew his exact height, and some of the premises for those stories had sounded kind of dodgy, but...

Jean accepted her tablet back with a wary look, trying to gauge his reaction. "Yeah, that was pretty cool," Dave told her. "Thanks for showing me. None of that really happened, though. I mean, some of what's on that site might be true, but mostly those are just stories people wrote down for fun."

"Okay," Jean said with a big smile. Dave was smiling himself as he dug back into his soggy crunch-whatevers. Imagine that. Heh, he ought to show that stuff to the other scientists. They'd probably get a kick out of it. And he would be sure Cheryl never heard the end of it.

"Daddy?" Jean was still standing there, looking suddenly uncertain. "Does that mean you're not really secretly in love with Uncle Howard?"

And by the time he'd coughed up all the cereal that made him inhale, Dave had changed his mind. This was definitely one of those discoveries you should enjoy but never tell anyone else about, ever.
 
BWAHAHAHAHA have I mentioned I love you.

The only cereal he'd been able to find were some kind of oat things he could swear were fossilized, and it was taking all his concentration to choke them down without breaking a tooth or something. He really needed to remember to get groceries sometime. Maybe tomorrow.
I enjoy the fact that even on a Saturday as he's forcing down something next to inedible, he's thinking about getting groceries tomorrow, maybe. A+ characterization of Dave, would Dave again.

He narrowed his cerulean orbs at himself as he looked in the mirror. The thirty-two-year-old was wearing his best suit, which neatly emphasized his lithe, 5'11" frame.

'This is it,' he said to himself as he combed his golden hair. 'It's time to mold some young minds.' Then he put on his sexiest red tie and got ready to drive to the university."
oh my god

(is this why you asked me what he looks like that one time)

'I'm fucking scientist!' Dave snapped
Ahahahaha this is my favorite part.

'Are you questioning my science?' Dave questioned, glaring. 'We have measurements and stuff. That's what science is about!'
Such science, many methodology.

Courtney grimaced as the rest of the class erupted into cheers and wild applause. She sunk back in her chair, obviously without any answer to that, and the rest of her little clique hunched down as far as they could, cringing and beaten.
Aaagh noooooo I am feeling second-hand embarrassment on behalf of a fictional teenager. Please just stop, AwesomestRationalest, you are going to regret this

'Jesus loves you,' she said quite evilly, and then exited the classroom.
quite evilly

'Do you want to learn more about atheism?' Dave asked kindly.
aaaaaargh get it away

A/N: Okay there it is, tell me what you think! I can't decide if I want Natasha to decide to convert because she gets cancer and realizes that no amount of praying can save her or after Dave humiliates her pastor in a debate. Leave a review and tell me which one you'd like to see more! Bye for now, I promise I'll have the next chapter up real soon!
But which one is it?! The second chapter was already up! You can't leave us in suspense like this! D:

He tapped the link and brought up a user profile with a big picture of a pink teddy bear snapping a cross in half on it.
...I'm not sure if this is a reference to something or just a random thing, but either way it is gloriously wtf.

David Ambrose is my hero! I support Davewards, Davey-Jones, and ScietheShipping.
oh my god I was not expecting an entire Heywood Labs RPF fandom. What have you done. Excellent ship names, though. (...Although I'm not sure how to pronounce "ScietheShipping".)

A lot of them apparently involved boats for some reason, especially the ones with him and Mia in them.
oh no Dave yes they're definitely talking about boats RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN

I think he'd be a little more weirded out by the "teenagers on the internet making up elaborate fantasy scenarios featuring him in sexy ties" part, but the vindication he feels at having fans idolizing his aggressive antitheism is very much accurate and I am deeply tickled that you had that being his main takeaway because that was also the point of the draft I'd started to write of this concept, just with a bit more "not sure if creepy or awesome." (The actual fic in yours is vastly superior, though.)

It was him who'd done that, bashing or no. Well, maybe some of Haywood Labs' other members had, too; there were a handful of stories about them, after all. But still.
More A+ Dave right there.

Anyway, this was pretty glorious! Thanks for an excellent start to my day, and I hope you had a good one, too.
 
Altissimo

the real question though is are there any tumblr factkins of dave in this universe
I don't know what a factkin is... and I don't want you to enlighten me, either. :P

Butterfree

I enjoy the fact that even on a Saturday as he's forcing down something next to inedible, he's thinking about getting groceries tomorrow, maybe. A+ characterization of Dave, would Dave again.
Alas, this bit of characterization was drawn from personal experience.

(is this why you asked me what he looks like that one time)
Yup! And your answer is the reason his hair color changes over the course of the story.

Ahahahaha this is my favorite part.
It had to happen.

quite evilly
On the other hand, that line was my personal favorite. :P

But which one is it?! The second chapter was already up! You can't leave us in suspense like this! D:
The second chapter was just an angry author's note saying AwesomestRationalist wasn't going to post the next chapter unless they got at least six reviews.

...I'm not sure if this is a reference to something or just a random thing, but either way it is gloriously wtf.
Literally the first thing that popped into my head when I was trying to come up with an appropriate avatar.

oh my god I was not expecting an entire Heywood Labs RPF fandom. What have you done. Excellent ship names, though. (...Although I'm not sure how to pronounce "ScietheShipping".)
Same as "scytheshipping." Kratos helped with the ship names. :)

I think he'd be a little more weirded out by the "teenagers on the internet making up elaborate fantasy scenarios featuring him in sexy ties" part, but the vindication he feels at having fans idolizing his aggressive antitheism is very much accurate and I am deeply tickled that you had that being his main takeaway because that was also the point of the draft I'd started to write of this concept, just with a bit more "not sure if creepy or awesome." (The actual fic in yours is vastly superior, though.)
Yeah, I was thinking he would be self-absorbed enough not to think through the implications of what he was looking at immediately and be more focused on the whole "they love me!!" aspect than the fact that they're a bunch of teenagers who're really concerned with who he's hooking up with. More just a device to keep the story relatively short and upbeat, though; hope it didn't distract too much.

I hope you're still planning to finish up your version! I'd love to read it. (Or... dat ramble, tho.)

Glad you enjoyed this! I was afraid it had ended up as too much cringe, not enough funny, so I'm glad you found it entertaining.
 
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