Furretsu
World of Glass
This is a terrible attitude. By posting your fic in this forum, you agree that you're willing to accept criticism.
-
Welcome to The Cave of Dragonflies forums, where the smallest bugs live alongside the strongest dragons.
Guests are not able to post messages or even read certain areas of the forums. Now, that's boring, don't you think? Registration, on the other hand, is simple, completely free of charge, and does not require you to give out any personal information at all. As soon as you register, you can take part in some of the happy fun things at the forums such as posting messages, voting in polls, sending private messages to people and being told that this is where we drink tea and eat cod.
Of course I'm not forcing you to do anything if you don't want to, but seriously, what have you got to lose? Five seconds of your life?
In Progress Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels
- Thread starter Shadowstar
- Start date
Shadowstar
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
A/N:New chapter! I hope I can maintain my readers' attention for this next exiting installment.(Things are heating up. A little)
Wow, two chapters in one month? That's a personal record.
------
As tension grew, Firestar couldn't take being silent about it anymore. He said: "I overheard the conversation between you and Cloudtail. You shouldn't hunt when you're so young, especially not alone! It's against the warrior code! And, if you please, young kit, please get out of this tree, you might hurt yourself. You also shouldn't break the warrior code." The kit just nodded 'no' in response.
"I don't have to."
The Clans that were present yowled in agreement, but the ShadowClan warrior Sunclaw stepped forward, looking at the kit as if she knew who it was - and she did. When she was an apprentice, the kit was only two days old. She knew the kit by name, scent and her unmistakeable appearance -- white with light grey stripes and blue eyes. "Starkit, please listen to reason and come down!" she shouted to the kit.
The kit seemed to listen to her and tried to dismount like the older cats, but slipped on the small branch she was on and fell plummeting to the ground. Luckily, one of the cats that was at the Gathering leaped out to catch Starkit. It was a black-and-ginger she-cat with light green eyes. Sunclaw instantly ran over to nuzzle her for saving Starkit.
"Thank you for saving me! I'm Starkit. I dream to make a Clan one day!"the kit-Starkit- meowed, but the she-cat sat the kit down and walked away without responding.
The next morning, Firestar awoke early. He streched and sat in the sunlight for a while, his ginger pelf shone like fire in the early morning sun. Only a few seconds after he got up and was walking over to Squirrelflight about the dawn patrol, he was caught by surprise when he scented a very familiar ShadowClan kit. The kit ran quickly past. When he had recovered from the shock, he ran after the kit. When he finally caught up with the kit by the lake, she dove in, even though she hated water. She needed an explanation for coming through ThunderClan territory. Luckly, it was greenleaf, so the water was fairly warm, but it was still pretty cold. Firestar swam faster, and came up to a small cave – where the kit dissappered only a few seconds earlier. He entered the cave and, luckly, there was air inside. The kit walked up to him with a few others beside her and spoke, "What are you doing in LightClan camp? I am Jewelstar and I command you to leave! Or... LightClan, Attack the intruder!" The kit was apparntly playing a not - so - friendly game with the other kits.
All went black. Apparently he was blinded with a leaf of some sort.
-----
Wow, two chapters in one month? That's a personal record.
------
As tension grew, Firestar couldn't take being silent about it anymore. He said: "I overheard the conversation between you and Cloudtail. You shouldn't hunt when you're so young, especially not alone! It's against the warrior code! And, if you please, young kit, please get out of this tree, you might hurt yourself. You also shouldn't break the warrior code." The kit just nodded 'no' in response.
"I don't have to."
The Clans that were present yowled in agreement, but the ShadowClan warrior Sunclaw stepped forward, looking at the kit as if she knew who it was - and she did. When she was an apprentice, the kit was only two days old. She knew the kit by name, scent and her unmistakeable appearance -- white with light grey stripes and blue eyes. "Starkit, please listen to reason and come down!" she shouted to the kit.
The kit seemed to listen to her and tried to dismount like the older cats, but slipped on the small branch she was on and fell plummeting to the ground. Luckily, one of the cats that was at the Gathering leaped out to catch Starkit. It was a black-and-ginger she-cat with light green eyes. Sunclaw instantly ran over to nuzzle her for saving Starkit.
"Thank you for saving me! I'm Starkit. I dream to make a Clan one day!"the kit-Starkit- meowed, but the she-cat sat the kit down and walked away without responding.
The next morning, Firestar awoke early. He streched and sat in the sunlight for a while, his ginger pelf shone like fire in the early morning sun. Only a few seconds after he got up and was walking over to Squirrelflight about the dawn patrol, he was caught by surprise when he scented a very familiar ShadowClan kit. The kit ran quickly past. When he had recovered from the shock, he ran after the kit. When he finally caught up with the kit by the lake, she dove in, even though she hated water. She needed an explanation for coming through ThunderClan territory. Luckly, it was greenleaf, so the water was fairly warm, but it was still pretty cold. Firestar swam faster, and came up to a small cave – where the kit dissappered only a few seconds earlier. He entered the cave and, luckly, there was air inside. The kit walked up to him with a few others beside her and spoke, "What are you doing in LightClan camp? I am Jewelstar and I command you to leave! Or... LightClan, Attack the intruder!" The kit was apparntly playing a not - so - friendly game with the other kits.
All went black. Apparently he was blinded with a leaf of some sort.
-----
Last edited:
It's against the code for a kit to even leave the camp alone (that is, without a warrior around), let alone hunt or go to a Gathering.
"It's against the warrior code!"
Er... wouldn't they be more worried about the fact that there was a code-breaking kit at the Gathering than that she managed to climb a tree?
Fixed version said:
fixed said:
fixed said:
By the way, why would Sunclaw feel the need to tell Starkit she was once Sunpaw if Starkit remembered her as Sunclaw? For that matter, wouldn't Starkit recognize Sunclaw enough to know who she was without Sunclaw saying who she was?
fixed said:
fixed said:
"Stretched". Also, this isn't descriptive at all, so you might want to fix it up a bit.
Should be "dawn patrol"... By the way, why didn't he smell Starkit or why didn't any other ThunderClan cats notice that she was there?
"When he had recovered..." You also don't need Starkit's whole description.
fixed said:
Firestar should be a lot faster than Starkit anyway, since Firestar's a full-grown cat and running on his own territory.
I don't think lakes warm up enough to have a noticeable difference, even in greenleaf.
Neither of them should be able to swim quite that good. :/ Also, where is this cave? I don't recall ever hearing about cliffs on the lake (only gentle shores - not at all like the sun-drown-place).
"Luckily".
Never all-caps, only italics.
The first "the" should be capitalized. "Apparently". The dashes should be shorter, like in "she-cat". This is also a run-on sentence - make "All went black" its own sentence. "... leaf of some sort". Also a pretty anticlimatic ending to the chapter.
You've got a pretty interesting plot, but your problem is that you're not being descriptive enough -- try taking more time to explain what's going on around the cats. *shrug*
Hope you don't mind the constant reviews.
Shadowstar
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
I don't mind at all.
Explaination for Starkit reacing the lake first:Firestar was shocked for a few seconds(10 max.) and Starkit is pretty fast.
Explaination for cave:They were under water, the cave entrence is below water and the cavern has a "hall" just big enough for him to fit and as the land goes on above ground it gets steeper(right?), resulting in a room( the cave is several feet underground.
Explaination for Starkit reacing the lake first:Firestar was shocked for a few seconds(10 max.) and Starkit is pretty fast.
Explaination for cave:They were under water, the cave entrence is below water and the cavern has a "hall" just big enough for him to fit and as the land goes on above ground it gets steeper(right?), resulting in a room( the cave is several feet underground.
Shadowstar
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
*confused* Where's that supposed to be: on a territory bank or is it still underwater?
Shadowstar
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
Shadowstar
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
A/N:*brain dead* Sorry for being late!>.<
------
Firstar, once he could see again, surveyed his surroundings. It was dark exept for the light filtering down form the roof of the cave, which seemed to be covered with thin leaves. He turned to look the other way when he scented Jewelstar, otherwise known as Starkit. The she-cat had someting tied around her neck. It appeared to be a blue jewel shaped slightly like a star. Jewelstar's appearence had also changed. She now appeared to be at least thirteen moons. "Firestar, I see you're awake," she meowed.
Firestar walked over to Jewelstar and licked her sholder as a greeting. A ginger tom walked up beside Jewelstar, followed by a black she-cat. "Firestar," she started, "meet our deputy and medicine cat. Darktail and Swiftwish." The two cats mentioned walked forward and nodded respectfully. Swiftwish, the black she-cat, was apparently the deputy.
"You look different, Star – I mean – Jewelstar," stated Firestar, confused. Jewelstar simply walked away. Swiftwish and Darktail escorted him to a branching tunnel which ended in another cave.
Firestar lay down, a thousand questions running through his mind, mostly variations on the words "huh", "what", and "why". He didn't know what to make of this, what were Jewelstar's intentions?
In the ThunderClan camp, it was chaotic. Squirrelflight was trying to calm them down, and failing miserably. She needed to find Firestar before things got worse. Sunclaw had visited the ShadowClan border at dawn and confirmed that ShadowClan warriors had been across the boarder. She raised her voice, "Calm down!" It seemed to work. but the cause of silence was not her yelling - It was Sunclaw. She had returned from the sun high patrol that had just been sent out, She was followed into camp by Moonpelt. Moonpelt seemed to mean no harm.
---------
A/N:Woah. Long chappie! Well it looked like it in my Notepad.
------
Firstar, once he could see again, surveyed his surroundings. It was dark exept for the light filtering down form the roof of the cave, which seemed to be covered with thin leaves. He turned to look the other way when he scented Jewelstar, otherwise known as Starkit. The she-cat had someting tied around her neck. It appeared to be a blue jewel shaped slightly like a star. Jewelstar's appearence had also changed. She now appeared to be at least thirteen moons. "Firestar, I see you're awake," she meowed.
Firestar walked over to Jewelstar and licked her sholder as a greeting. A ginger tom walked up beside Jewelstar, followed by a black she-cat. "Firestar," she started, "meet our deputy and medicine cat. Darktail and Swiftwish." The two cats mentioned walked forward and nodded respectfully. Swiftwish, the black she-cat, was apparently the deputy.
"You look different, Star – I mean – Jewelstar," stated Firestar, confused. Jewelstar simply walked away. Swiftwish and Darktail escorted him to a branching tunnel which ended in another cave.
Firestar lay down, a thousand questions running through his mind, mostly variations on the words "huh", "what", and "why". He didn't know what to make of this, what were Jewelstar's intentions?
In the ThunderClan camp, it was chaotic. Squirrelflight was trying to calm them down, and failing miserably. She needed to find Firestar before things got worse. Sunclaw had visited the ShadowClan border at dawn and confirmed that ShadowClan warriors had been across the boarder. She raised her voice, "Calm down!" It seemed to work. but the cause of silence was not her yelling - It was Sunclaw. She had returned from the sun high patrol that had just been sent out, She was followed into camp by Moonpelt. Moonpelt seemed to mean no harm.
---------
A/N:Woah. Long chappie! Well it looked like it in my Notepad.
Last edited:
Should be just plain "lay" as opposed to "layed".
Squerrel? And who's "them", exactly?
"Shadow" (typo, I know, but still) and "border".
"But the cause of silence was not her yelling - it was Sunclaw."
"from". There shouldn't be a semicolon there - it should be a comma. This can actually be made into one sentence: "She had returned from the sunhigh patrol that had just been sent out, followed by Moonpelt, a ShadowClan warrior". Actually, the "ShadowClan warrior" bit could be taken out, since we already know she's a ShadowClan warrior.
The subject here still appears to be Moonpelt - perhaps you could change it to make it more obvious that "she" refers to Moonpelt?
All in all, aside from the length and lack of happenings in the chapter, the style is actually a little better than your previous chapters. :P Nice.