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One-Shot No Moon

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There was nobody there. Nobody to witness what was about to happen. Nobody to see, to feel the horror, to feel disgusted. Nobody to be anybody; to be someone to tell him to stop.

In that dark room somewhere inside some old abandoned mansion, in a decadent and corrupt city, the addicted was satisfying his thirst for chemicals. The needle piercing through his arm was no pain, he shivered and a thin line of blood made its course along his arm; it came as an escape route for stress. Injecting all that shit would make him forget all of it, forget the cops who raped his girlfriend, forget the system that would never change, forget the shitty life he had.

Then came the shame, shame for what he had become. Shame for living like a rat and not be strong enough to stop his finger from injecting the drugs. Shame for not being how someone must have wanted him to be. That night there was no moon and no stars in the sky, no light inflowing through the window of the old abandoned mansion, no one in the streets to hear him screaming with anger.


Now, finally the drugs ran freely trough his blood and maybe for three seconds he was in heaven, five seconds after it was hell. Later that night the addicted died
 
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Short, but sweet. Well, not sweet, but well-written is more what I want to say.

It was good, I thought. You had delievered the emotion in there rather well, and you used repetition quite nicely as well - good consistant yet effective reuse of words there. And a good atmosphere coming from it as well.

The problem was it was so darn short! I wanted to read more, you know. ;) You had quite a good piece there, and it would have been nice to see more, but it's not so much the point of this piece.
forget the cops that raped his girlfriend
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Maybe replace that with 'who'... a suggestion.
no light inflowing trough the window of the old abandoned mansion
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Now, finally the drugs ran freely trough his blood
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Through on both instances, not trough.
Later that night the addicted died
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Full stop missing at the end... and it was, IMO, too sudden of an end for me, kinda like you weren't sure how to end it. It just felt too sudden for my liking - all this emotiong and all, and then 'and then he died' - somewhat anticlimatic.

But overall good; short and sweet. I liked it. :) And remember kids: drugs are bad.
 
I don't get it.
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You don't need to get it. :/
And you get it anyway. You obviously perceived some kind of reading from this. Unless you're illiterate or something.


I really like this. It's a shame it's not very long though.
 
Thank you for the suggestions, bobandbill, I really appreciated them.
The "trough" thing was a bad mistake >.<", but as I have said I am not from an English speaking country, so you can imagine that it is not very easy for me to write a story.
The "that" thing is also a good suggestion, thank you.

The missing full stop and the sudden ending are intencional. I wrote it like that really for you to have a sensation of anticlimax and to emphasize frustration, like "it just can not end like that".


If it is OK for you I will edit it and replace the "trough" and the "that".
 
The anticlimactic ending really gets to me...

...which is obviously what you were going for, but it's not really "getting to me" in a good way.
 
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