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  #1  
Old 10-21-2012, 09:08 AM
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helt plötsligt blev det tyst
 
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Default Tomhet

Tomhet

Jag vill gråta och skrika,
orka vara besviken
på känslor och emotioner.
I alla situationer,
vill jag säga dig:
"Du kan stanna hos mig".
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: Tomhet

Grammar is fine except for the last comma, which you should probably omit. Clumsily written overall, though. First of all, the word "emotion(er)" is a technical term only ever used in psychology; it's never seen or heard outside that context, so it's rather strikingly out of place here. Secondly, the whole poem just comes across as really incoherent; "orka vara besviken på känslor" is kind of hard to interpret (how is one too weary to be disappointed in a feeling?) and doesn't really mesh well with the first line, while "i alla situationer" has a distinctly technical/objective feel to it, which clashes with the lines that follow. The first half of the text seems to be about angst and emptiness, but the second half reads like a heartwarming love poem (which isn't necessarily a contradiction, but there's just no synergy here). Perhaps most importantly, this poem just doesn't have anything; there's no vivid imagery, the wording is trite, it's not structurally unusual or interesting...

Still, I'm sure you could produce something of more interesting content if you weren't hampered by the language itself. Basically, I think the main problem is that you don't yet understand the subtleties of Swedish. Poetry is the second most advanced thing you can do with a language. It requires a certain degree of proficiency. The ability to look words up in a dictionary and form grammatically sound sentences with them isn't enough; in poetry, nuance is everything. Keep studying and reading Swedish.
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  #3  
Old 10-29-2012, 08:58 AM
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Default Re: Tomhet

I didn't look most of that up in a dictionary - I was fucking around at 1 am and had to write something. (It was literally: shit - SWEDISH BRAIN TIME).

And I had to post it to get it out of my system.
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Last edited by Tarvos; 10-29-2012 at 10:31 AM.
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Old 10-29-2012, 10:23 AM
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Default Re: Tomhet

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tarvos View Post
I didn't look most of that up in a dictionary - I was fucking around at 1 am and had to write something.
Very well.
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Old 10-29-2012, 11:42 AM
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Default Re: Tomhet

(and yes I am aware my Swedish is substandard but I haven't studied it for more than four months, so cut me some slack ahaha)
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