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Old 03-07-2009, 07:30 AM
Dragon_night Dragon_night is offline
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Default Hateful Smiles

Well, this fic is a year old, but since I'm posting Hexing Smiles, I decided to throw this back up as well (it was lost in the last four crash).

I'm not really looking for any critique on this, but feel free to post any if you have some.

Also, this is an original fiction, so there isn't any pokemon. Sorry.

Enjoy~


Posted*

Chapter one*
Chapter two
Chapter three
Chapter four
Chapter five
Chapter six
Chapter seven


Chapter one


It was another day, another thing Ty decided he wanted to change. The Care Bears had to go. Yesterday, it was the Crawlin, who had kept him awake the whole night by hopping around in his bead. That is, before he whisked it, and all the other annoying Crawlin that infested the world. But, as a person of today, you probably don’t know what a Crawlin is. That is what his power was. To change reality at will. So don’t expect to know what a Care Bear is tomorrow.

Ty’s hands brushed the keyboard of his old 2007 computer, causing tacking sound to accompany the sound of the computers fan. He was planning to shift reality to get him a good 2010 one, so he would have the latest and nonexistent technology for a few years, but the internet usually distracted him from such things.

The computer screen glowed in the darkness of his room. Enough so, that is was a surprise the teen’s eyes hadn’t dropped dead from the hours of strain it caused them every day. The screen displayed an internet forum based around Role-playing and writing stories.

He read over his post in a little box at the bottom of the screen, looking for any spelling errors and to make sure he hadn’t forgotten anything. Satisfied and pressing enter with his pinky, the post he had typed up appeared on screen for the rest of the forum members to see. But overall, the message was directed to one person, who’s username was ‘Frozen Flame’. She was someone who he liked. A lot.

Posted today at 12:30pm by: Dark Star
Yeah, I’ve read that one too. I like the ending of it. Totally unexpected, but she left hints about it the whole way through the story. I do agree, that if you were reading between large amounts of time, that the ending would just seem like a stupid thing, but if you read it in less than two weeks, you totally get it.
As for The Black Rose, I haven’t finished reading it yet, so I couldn’t tell you.

Ty waited patiently for Frozen Flame to reply, leaning back on his chair and pushing the keyboard back on the computer desk. Without looking at what he was doing, his hands grazed past the wireless mouse and grabbed a bottle. He took a swig from it and threw it over his shoulder. It was unsure if the bottle actually made it to a trash can, or anything else he threw behind him. That was probably why the room smelled like rotten food.

His brown eyes caught onto the reply Frozen Flame had made.

Posted today at 12:31pm by: Frozen Flame
Hmm. That’s too bad. O well, that book’s well and done with. We need something new to talk about.
Also, I checked out your profile (stalker me ^^). I didn’t know you liked Tithe too. And I thought I was the only one who read The Andalite Chronicles.
Too bad for The Black Rose, I really wanted to know if he was going to do it. Guess I’ll have to find the book myself
;-;

Ty’s lips stretched out a silent smile as he leaned forward. He had looked at her profile before, and saw a few things she liked. He picked out from them the things that he also liked and put in on his profile. Frequently he would look at her profile when he was bored and decided to read something she had put up on her favorite list. He always enjoyed the books she liked.

Posted today at 12:31pm by: Dark Star
You know, I’ve checked out your profile too (look who stalks the stalker :D). That’s why I picked up Tithe actually. But if you want something new to talk about, how about your story ideas? I’ll give you some of mine. Hell, I need help with this one part I’m writing.

It had been a full year since Ty joined the forum, and it had been a full year since he had known Frozen Flame. It had been only in the past month that he found he really liked her. As in, like-liked her. Although, in his mind, girls were all cheating cows who just wanted to play boys. Usually it was the opposite, but it seemed he was some exception.

But this girl, he didn’t even know how she looked like, yet he found himself attracted to her personality, and dreamt of suddenly meeting her. She wouldn’t know who he was a first, but she would find him after he fell from the sky, out of the blue. They would talk and enjoy themselves, maybe laugh. She would live outside of the city, and have a field for a lawn with a bench swing where they could sit and laugh, and enjoy the view of the field. She would bring out the laptop with wireless internet, and log on to the forum, and he would say, “hey, I’m on that forum too,” and she would be surprised. He would tell her he was Dark Star, and she’d say she was Frozen Flame, and they’d talk about books and read together.

But, things like that never happen to normal people in reality. Ty of course, wasn’t a normal person. He was a demon.

Before you get any misconceptions, demons aren’t evil. For the most part. Okay, most demons aren’t evil. Ty himself was a Reality Demon. Remember how he was going to get rid of the Care Bears, and got rid of the Crawlin? Well, that’s his power. Ty can, at will, change almost anything in the world with his powers. Say that he didn’t like Lemmings or a TV show. He could simply change reality so those things didn’t exist. Ever.

And then there’s almost anything. Reality Demons have limits to their power. They can’t delete people or living things, they can only move them (which is also considered ‘proper deleting’). They can’t bring back the dead. Their powers don’t affect other Reality Demons, physically and mentally (which causes problems when one deletes Lemmings and the other is wondering why there aren’t Lemmings in the world anymore). They can’t control time. They can’t control matter, only change it. And finally, they can’t change feelings, or make someone do things they don’t want to.

That’s why all Reality Demons aren’t so hot with the ladies, and are miserable at finding a husband.

One thing to remember, besides Werewolves and the modern-day Vampire, Reality Demons are the newest kind of demon, made so they can keep humans from knowing about all the other demons.

The computer screen blinked as a new post appeared. Ty leaned forward to read, wanting to savor every word, and thinking of what he would soon do to finally meet her, and see the way she smiled. He would meet her. Soon. After the Care Bears were gone.

His hand deftly stroked the keyboard, typing up a storm. Frozen Flame replied a minute later, and he typed again, continuing their conversation until the dawn came and light shined through the small holes in Ty’s ragged window coverings. The small cramped room he was in looked as though the definition of ‘clean’ had been slaughtered and was lying limp somewhere under the piles of clothes and books. It was the perfect place for him. Messy.

Frozen Flame had logged off the forum, giving her good bye and thanking him for the inevitably hard time she’ll have in school today. Ty thanked her for the same thing and logged off as well. He pressed the off button on the monitor and shakingly stood up from his computer chair. Yawning with his eyes glazed with the deprivation of sleep, he recovered a cordless phone from the confines of the dirty laundry and jabbed the numbers on it.

“Charles High School, this is Ms. Lan,” the phone chirped.

Ty put on his best sick voice, which nicely complimented with his sleepiness. It was something he was perfect with, since he frequently skipped school with excuses like these. “Uh, this is Ty Moka. I can’t come to school today, I think I caught something.” He didn’t mind school itself, just the people in it. If there was one thing he wanted to get rid of, it was people. Socialization wasn’t his forte.

“Okay, I’ll let you teachers know. Get better!” the secretary said in a happy tune.

He scratched his hair, and let if fall loosely around his head as he slowly paced the small room. Half awake, Ty chucked the phone back into the laundry and fell down forward, landing perfectly on the lone single mattress on the floor. Tomorrow he would find her. Tomorrow, she would smile.
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Old 03-08-2009, 03:05 PM
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Keta Keta is offline
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Default Re: Hateful Smiles

Only mildly offtopic: I've read Tithe (Holly Black?) and the Andalite Chronicles (and most of the Animorphs series) too! :D

Hmm, I don't feel like counting paragraphs like I did for your other fic... But anyway, there are very few grammar errors from what I can see. Again, I think you have a nice writing style- it's enjoyable to read so far, and the description is well thought-out.

On a number of occasions, you act like you're speaking to me, the reader, by using second person (or implied second person), when using phrases such as "Before you get any misconceptions". or even "Remember how...".

Using second person can be like a double-edged sword- you walk the line between influencing the reader's opinion positively or negatively. Personally I don't like being talked to with textbook type information- I like it when the story reveals it little by little through certain incidents, or when the words come out of the main character's mouth.
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