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Old 03-07-2009, 07:17 AM
Dragon_night Dragon_night is offline
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Default Hexing Smiles

I would appreciate some critique to help me improve my skills. As a side note, this is set in the same world as another fic of mine called Hateful Smiles. And this is also an original fiction, so there aren't any pokemon I'm afraid to say.

Enjoy, and for those who read my earlier works (or crap) I hope that I've improved through time.



Chapter one

The casino styled Bar was illuminated with lights and sounds of its many customers. They clinked their glasses together and parted with vigor until they realized they had too much to drink. Nearly half of the occupants inside were close to unraveling their stomach contents on the mahogany floor from the thick alcohol. All the waitresses showed a cute slide in their step, usually to the beat of the music.

In a small corner of the Bar, Seth drank his glass deeply, chugging down so fast that it was amazing he could taste any of the beer. The man, supposedly celebrating his nineteenth year alive, threw his cup onto the table and slumped down in his seat with a grumble.

The older man sitting beside him debated on whether he should pat his friend on the shoulder, or leave him be to wallow in his own misery. Andrew choose wisely on his decision and passed his hand out of his cloak to wave down one of the waitresses for another refill.

“Yaknow what I hate ‘bout women?” Seth asked, a sluggish accent to his beer-stained voice.

“I most certainly can guess,” Andrew answered with a clear enough voice to show that throughout the past hour he had been sitting there, he had yet to touch his lips to any of the alcohol. “Could it be that they all don’t like you?” he asked amused.

Seth glared at him until one of the waitresses swiped to their table and poured his glass up full, distracting his eyes. “I just don’t like ‘em, that’s all,” he mumbled quietly before grabbing the glass and forcing more of the cheep drink into his stomach.

Andrew nodded his head at the girl as she fled away to pour more drinks. A new smirk ran down his face. “You do know that’s the fourth time you’ve asked me that, Seth?” he stated.

“Why the ‘eck are you countin’ anyway?” Seth growled back, slamming his half empty glass down on the table. “An’ I just want a stupid answer that ain’t stupid out’a your mouth.”

His friend chuckled through his nose and leaned back on his chair casually. “I don’t know what you want me to say. She cheated on you, and you got revenge by shoving her dog where dogs should not go.” He chuckled again, more loudly. “I think you did a better job at revenge than a Vengeance Demon could.”

The short hairs on Seth’s chin twitched as a response, and before long he swallowed up what was left of his drink. He didn’t bother answering Andrew again, and only slumped down on his chair and stared brodly at his empty glass until a waitress came back to fill it.

Andrew resumed his activity of watching the many people flowing around the Bar, and the many individuals who were doing things they would surely regret doing in the morning. He kept most of the amusement to himself, but from time to time he would point and laugh at people who were either throwing up on someone, or being thrown up on. Occasionally, he would snap his fingers, or wink without anyone knowing, and a series of events, like a grown man yelling out that he loves the Care Bears, or a girl flinging herself at a man she didn’t know before throwing up as she started kissing him, would occur; Followed, as always, by Andrew’s hardy chuckle, and another wink or snap to cause some other kind of mayhem.

Eventually as time wore on, the same question surfaced once again:

“Know what I dunn like about them women?”

Andrew shrugged his shoulders and looked at him with amusement. “I haven’t got a clue.”

Seth snorted. “They ‘ate me.”

“Ate you? - Now, I don’t even want to go there. Might be a bit personal for you to talk about such things to me, and I would certainly feel uncomfortable hearing them.” Andrew smiled, anticipating the response he’d get out of this one.

The chair under Seth skidded back with a screech that was lost in the current playing dance-music. He childishly slammed his fist down on the table and started to stalk away, glaring at anyone who was in his way with a scrunched up face.

His friend tsked himself as he too, stood up, leaving five twenty’s on the table to pay for Seth’s binge. With almost a smile on his face, he chased after Seth through a few of the waiters and over-eccentric drinkers until he made it to the door. “Hey! Wait for me,” he called.

Seth stood lazily in the middle of the doorframe, with the shutter door already shoved out into the darkness of the night. The lights from inside the Bar protruded out into the world and faded as they hit the street outside. “Stup’d women. I swear, they fall in love with me, and den they go out and suck face with annuther guy. It’s useless, I might’is well hex the next beast that falls for me,” he spat out.

“Now now,” Andrew coaxed. “Before you start setting hexes on yourself, you could try setting one on someone in there,” he pointed into the Bar. “I mean, they have dart boards, and that one guy is about to throw. Think of what you could do.

Seth dragged his eyes into the bar until he could see that a fair distance inside there was indeed a bald man about to throw a sharp dart into one of the dartboards. He briefly glanced back at Andrew with eyes sharper then the darts, and decided to take his suggestion before he started begging him to do it. He focused on the bald man, and as the man reached back with a dart, Seth snapped his fingers.

A waitress walked by both Andrew and Seth’s line of vision as the man finally threw the dart. Both of them knew the hex had taken place as soon as a loud screeching yell erupted from the crowd.

The Hex Demon didn’t bother waiting to see his work finished, and querulously turned back out into the night, walking away with a stomp in his step. He turned sharply before he walked out into the street, walking blindly without letting his eyes adjust to the sudden darkness. His footsteps stomped along in a shallow arrhythmic sequence. Lighter footsteps followed after him more quickly in order to catch up, and by the time Andrew was with him, Seth could see the many closed shops he passed as well as the side walk. Andrew’s breath was a little ragged as he slowed down his pace, and for a while that was the only sound that accompanied Seth’s stomping.

As the two both halted at a cross walk Andrew spoke up. “I don’t think it’s a smart idea hanging around out here in the dark. There’s no moon out,” he pointed out.

During the last few time’s the moon was absent from the sky, there was some fights between Demons that had gotten ugly. Seth had been in one of them with a Reality Demon when the attacks first started, so when he noticed, it struck a nerve in him. He knew Andrew would probably stop it before it got serious but the thought of another attack didn't quite make him happy.

Seth sighed shallowly, putting all those thoughts away and wondered why they had to stop at the crosswalk when there was clearly no car in sight. “Whatever, let’s just go an’ crash at your place,” he grumbled.

“Oh, sleeping at my place now?” Andrew curled his lips and made a puckering noise. “I didn’t know you could switch from women to men in one night.”

Seth had already started stumbling through the crosswalk, muttering out inaudible words and making sure each step showed his annoyance. Andrew quickly followed, chuckling in his own amusement, and it wasn’t long before he began mocking Seth by stomping right along side him. “You make me laugh far too much,” he laughed.

Last edited by Dragon_night; 03-09-2009 at 04:46 AM.
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  #2  
Old 03-08-2009, 02:40 PM
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Keta Keta is offline
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Default Re: Hexing Smiles

I like this so far; the description's very good and has a nice flow to it. But I find it a little weird that we don't know what Andrew and Seth look like beyond that Seth has just hit the ripe old age of 90 and Andrew is even older.

Minor grammatical issues:
In the first paragraph, the verb for knocking glasses together should be "clinking"."until they realize" should be past tense like the first sentence, "until they realized". "All The waitresses"- "The" should not be capitalized. The last sentence doesn't really make sense to me.

Third paragraph- I'm liking the description so far, but "visibly debated" doesn't help me too much... it sounds a little awkward too.

11th paragraph should begin with "Andrew resumed his activity"; watching is a singular noun (gerund). "Surly" is a typo of "surely".

((I got nitpicky in the beginning, then I stopped searching for grammar errors because I got too lazy. However, if you want me to proofread the rest of it, I'll be glad to do so.))
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Old 03-09-2009, 04:49 AM
Dragon_night Dragon_night is offline
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Default Re: Hexing Smiles

DX

Oops, he was supposed to be 19, but it came out as 90.

Anywho, thanks for pointing out the grammar and leaving a critique. I fixed up what you pointed out. But, I;m not exactly sure how I should describe Andrew and Seth. I find it hard to weave in character description into a story without making it seem awkward.
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Old 03-09-2009, 09:16 PM
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Keta Keta is offline
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Default Re: Hexing Smiles

Hmm, you could always start describing what the other customers were dressed and what they look like from Andrew/Seth's positions at the Bar- and afterwards, compare what Seth looks like compared to those customers, then contrast it with what Andrew looks like.

Also, it's not a bad idea to spread it around or to repeat a few descriptions. People's short-term memories aren't great; if you mention it once in the beginning there's a high chance they'll lose the image near the end.
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