Dragon
disaster pigeon
- Pronoun
- she
But it was her Pokemon. Notice how the human gets all the credit for their team's work.
-
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In Progress Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"
- Thread starter Celestial Blade
- Start date
But it was her Pokemon. Notice how the human gets all the credit for their team's work.
Celestial Blade
Banned
Celestial Blade
Banned
Chapter Two
The next morning, Eric told Mewtwo that he was going out to save his girlfriend. Mewtwo then told him "I can sense she is being held hostage in Celadon City. I will have a Dragonite that I know take you there. It can hear my telepathy from miles away." It wasn't long before Dragonite came along. Eric hopped on and said, "We need to get to Celadon City." Dragonite flew over to the mainland, over Johto, and then quickly got to Kanto. They quickly made it to Celadon City. Eric then told Dragonite to stay within the city, but to be careful of Team Rocket. Eric had his Infernape in its Pokeball, and his katana and pistol ready for use. Eric noticed something strange about the Game Corner, and barged in, kicking open the door. Eric noticed a Rocket Grunt, who sent out Skuntank. Eric sent out Infernape, and readied a Snag Ball in one of his Snag Machines. Eric threw the Snag Ball at Skuntank, which went inside when the ball opened. It shook three times, and Skuntank was caught. Eric then watched the Grunt run. He followed the Grunt into the basement, managing to steal four Pokemon from storage in the base. They were Dusknoir, Rhyperior, Tropius, and Floatzel. Eric then noticed someone in a cage with a staff, shield, and a Pachirisu. It was Peggy!
Eric then said to her "I came here to save you." Peggy told him that she thought he was dead. Eric then let out his newly caught Skuntank, which seemed to be bonding well with its new Trainer quickly. Skuntank let out a foul-smelling odor that drove all of the Rockets out. It smelled like rotten eggs and dead fish. Eric and Peggy didnt' seem to care for some reason, probably because they were used to the smell of Stunky and Skuntank since they lived in Sinnoh. Eric then used brute manual strength to pull off the lock, letting out his girlfriend. Eric grabbed her by the arm, and said "We need to hurry! Now's not the time to explain!" Peggy turned her Styler back on, and received a message from Top Ranger HQ instantly. She replied to it saying "I'm fine. My boyfriend saved me from some filthy bunch that call themselves 'Team Rocket'. And Pachirisu's okay, too. No time to explain. Bye!" She knew they were worried about her in Fiore and Almia. Eric and Peggy finally got outside. Dragonite was patiently waiting. It seemd to have killed some Rocket Grunts with an attack move while they were gone. Eric and Peggy hopped onto Dragonite, who flew them back to Mewtwo's lair. Eric explained everything to Peggy about what happened, and they kissed romantically. When they got back, Mewtwo was there, and explained that Team Rocket is a savage bunch of filthy scum, and that Giovanni needs to die before the world can rest. Eric said "I'd be glad to kill Giovanni." Peggy added "Wherever Giovanni is, we'll hunt him down and make sure his death is slow and painful. Nothing justifies anything Team Rocket does." Mewtwo smiled and led them into a room where they would stay for the time being.
The next morning, Eric told Mewtwo that he was going out to save his girlfriend. Mewtwo then told him "I can sense she is being held hostage in Celadon City. I will have a Dragonite that I know take you there. It can hear my telepathy from miles away." It wasn't long before Dragonite came along. Eric hopped on and said, "We need to get to Celadon City." Dragonite flew over to the mainland, over Johto, and then quickly got to Kanto. They quickly made it to Celadon City. Eric then told Dragonite to stay within the city, but to be careful of Team Rocket. Eric had his Infernape in its Pokeball, and his katana and pistol ready for use. Eric noticed something strange about the Game Corner, and barged in, kicking open the door. Eric noticed a Rocket Grunt, who sent out Skuntank. Eric sent out Infernape, and readied a Snag Ball in one of his Snag Machines. Eric threw the Snag Ball at Skuntank, which went inside when the ball opened. It shook three times, and Skuntank was caught. Eric then watched the Grunt run. He followed the Grunt into the basement, managing to steal four Pokemon from storage in the base. They were Dusknoir, Rhyperior, Tropius, and Floatzel. Eric then noticed someone in a cage with a staff, shield, and a Pachirisu. It was Peggy!
Eric then said to her "I came here to save you." Peggy told him that she thought he was dead. Eric then let out his newly caught Skuntank, which seemed to be bonding well with its new Trainer quickly. Skuntank let out a foul-smelling odor that drove all of the Rockets out. It smelled like rotten eggs and dead fish. Eric and Peggy didnt' seem to care for some reason, probably because they were used to the smell of Stunky and Skuntank since they lived in Sinnoh. Eric then used brute manual strength to pull off the lock, letting out his girlfriend. Eric grabbed her by the arm, and said "We need to hurry! Now's not the time to explain!" Peggy turned her Styler back on, and received a message from Top Ranger HQ instantly. She replied to it saying "I'm fine. My boyfriend saved me from some filthy bunch that call themselves 'Team Rocket'. And Pachirisu's okay, too. No time to explain. Bye!" She knew they were worried about her in Fiore and Almia. Eric and Peggy finally got outside. Dragonite was patiently waiting. It seemd to have killed some Rocket Grunts with an attack move while they were gone. Eric and Peggy hopped onto Dragonite, who flew them back to Mewtwo's lair. Eric explained everything to Peggy about what happened, and they kissed romantically. When they got back, Mewtwo was there, and explained that Team Rocket is a savage bunch of filthy scum, and that Giovanni needs to die before the world can rest. Eric said "I'd be glad to kill Giovanni." Peggy added "Wherever Giovanni is, we'll hunt him down and make sure his death is slow and painful. Nothing justifies anything Team Rocket does." Mewtwo smiled and led them into a room where they would stay for the time being.
Last edited:
Elfin
feeling nostalgic
Let's be logical here. If somebody was being held hostage, why wouldn't the people holding them TAKE THEIR WEAPONS?! >>
Noticed what?! We need details here!
Last edited:
Frosty~
o-o
See, you're not really improving that much. You need to take the advice that everyone's giving you. I suggest that you take a break from writing this fic for a while, and work on your structure. Your grammar and spelling aren't that bad, but you haven't laid it out very well.
I'm going to rewrite the first bit. I'm not paticularly good myself, but I should be able to at least give you an idea on how to improve.
I'm going to rewrite the first bit. I'm not paticularly good myself, but I should be able to at least give you an idea on how to improve.
Aaaaand, that's all I have time to do at the moment. I hope this helps ^_^
Hmm, I'm going to see if I can give this a nice critique. Celestial, if you're reading this, I would really, really like you to acknowledge this, because it takes a while to write and I don't want this to be ignored.
Ignoring this is similar to you finishing one of these fanfics and then having it deleted. It's not fun, is it?
That's fine enough, but at this point Eric doesn't know where Peggy's being held hostage, does he? She could be anywhere in the Pokémon world. I know Mewtwo's there, but at this point Eric as the character doesn't.
Well, for one thing you have the wrong gender pronoun ('then told her'). For another... having a Dragonite take Eric to Celadon, where Mewtwo can sense that Peggy is being held, really takes some of the fun out of it. It would be a lot better (in terms of plot, anyway) if you were to have Eric fumble around and try to find Peggy's location on his own, without knowing where the Rocket Base was and not having Mewtwo to help him. That would make for a bit of an interesting plot.
I think this scene needs more description. Describe what Eric felt as he flew over the lands (I don't think even Eric is capable of feeling no emotion at all). Describe the image of the scenery as Dragonite flew over. Just try it a little bit, okay?
Without even thanking it for flying it over two regions? D:
What exactly was strange about it?
A little bit more description, please? You should write the story as if the reader doesn't know what a Skuntank or a Snag Ball is. Maybe try something like "The Snag Ball flew through the air, connecting with Skuntank's head. The Skuntank was turned into a burst of red light, which was in turn sucked into the Snag Ball. The Snag Ball dropped to the floor, rolling violently over the ground as the Skuntank within struggled to escape. Then there was a ping, and the ball settled. Eric walked forward and picked up the Snag Ball, eyeing the now-defenseless Rocket Grunt menacingly."
Did he feel any emotion at watching the Grunt run? Did the Grunt say anything (especially considering that Eric's just captured his Pokémon)?
A little more description, yet again, would be nice. What kind of storage were the Pokémon being held in? How did he manage to steal them?
As Evoli said, why would the Grunts leave her with her weapons?
Any emotions felt on Eric's part? At the moment, it just sounds like he doesn't feel anything for his girlfriend or anything. Peggy is the same... there's no emotion behind the words. Try something like "Peggy's eyes teared up at the corner, and she let out a choking sob, gasping 'Oh, Eric, I thought you were dead!'"
Why exactly is Skuntank bonding so quickly? Did it hate the Rockets or something?
You didn't even say there were any Rockets in the base until now.
And where did they escape to? The stairs, another room, a back exit?
Yay, a little bit of description! Try to do this all the time!
That... doesn't actually make much sense. If I lived in Kanto, that would make me no less resistant to the smell of a Muk or Weezing.
That's... pretty strong. Couldn't you have made Infernape or Rhyperior do this?
Wait, she's a Top Ranger? Then why in the world was she 'feral'?
... What was the content of the original voicemail? And how do we as readers know that she knew that they were worried (who is 'they', anyway), when the story takes place from Eric's point of view?
A quote like "Upon emerging into the bright sunlight, Eric looked down to see some Grunts splayed out across the ground, their blood staining the gray streets of Celadon. Dragonite was hunched over one, its claws raised and blood-strained and its face twisted with fury and rage. It let out a bellowing roar when it saw Eric and Peggy."
Which is... where, again?
"Happened" meaning... what, exactly?
... don't they already know this?
Why is Peggy so quick to judge?
I really, really hope you read this and take it to heart. Not for my sake, but for yours.
Ignoring this is similar to you finishing one of these fanfics and then having it deleted. It's not fun, is it?
That's fine enough, but at this point Eric doesn't know where Peggy's being held hostage, does he? She could be anywhere in the Pokémon world. I know Mewtwo's there, but at this point Eric as the character doesn't.
Well, for one thing you have the wrong gender pronoun ('then told her'). For another... having a Dragonite take Eric to Celadon, where Mewtwo can sense that Peggy is being held, really takes some of the fun out of it. It would be a lot better (in terms of plot, anyway) if you were to have Eric fumble around and try to find Peggy's location on his own, without knowing where the Rocket Base was and not having Mewtwo to help him. That would make for a bit of an interesting plot.
I think this scene needs more description. Describe what Eric felt as he flew over the lands (I don't think even Eric is capable of feeling no emotion at all). Describe the image of the scenery as Dragonite flew over. Just try it a little bit, okay?
Without even thanking it for flying it over two regions? D:
What exactly was strange about it?
A little bit more description, please? You should write the story as if the reader doesn't know what a Skuntank or a Snag Ball is. Maybe try something like "The Snag Ball flew through the air, connecting with Skuntank's head. The Skuntank was turned into a burst of red light, which was in turn sucked into the Snag Ball. The Snag Ball dropped to the floor, rolling violently over the ground as the Skuntank within struggled to escape. Then there was a ping, and the ball settled. Eric walked forward and picked up the Snag Ball, eyeing the now-defenseless Rocket Grunt menacingly."
Did he feel any emotion at watching the Grunt run? Did the Grunt say anything (especially considering that Eric's just captured his Pokémon)?
A little more description, yet again, would be nice. What kind of storage were the Pokémon being held in? How did he manage to steal them?
As Evoli said, why would the Grunts leave her with her weapons?
Any emotions felt on Eric's part? At the moment, it just sounds like he doesn't feel anything for his girlfriend or anything. Peggy is the same... there's no emotion behind the words. Try something like "Peggy's eyes teared up at the corner, and she let out a choking sob, gasping 'Oh, Eric, I thought you were dead!'"
Why exactly is Skuntank bonding so quickly? Did it hate the Rockets or something?
You didn't even say there were any Rockets in the base until now.
And where did they escape to? The stairs, another room, a back exit?
Yay, a little bit of description! Try to do this all the time!
That... doesn't actually make much sense. If I lived in Kanto, that would make me no less resistant to the smell of a Muk or Weezing.
That's... pretty strong. Couldn't you have made Infernape or Rhyperior do this?
Wait, she's a Top Ranger? Then why in the world was she 'feral'?
... What was the content of the original voicemail? And how do we as readers know that she knew that they were worried (who is 'they', anyway), when the story takes place from Eric's point of view?
A quote like "Upon emerging into the bright sunlight, Eric looked down to see some Grunts splayed out across the ground, their blood staining the gray streets of Celadon. Dragonite was hunched over one, its claws raised and blood-strained and its face twisted with fury and rage. It let out a bellowing roar when it saw Eric and Peggy."
Which is... where, again?
"Happened" meaning... what, exactly?
... don't they already know this?
Why is Peggy so quick to judge?
I really, really hope you read this and take it to heart. Not for my sake, but for yours.
Celestial Blade
Banned
Excuse me if I'm sounding harsh, but I do think that it would be a good idea to work on some of the questions I posed. Just see if you can find answers for them and if you can edit your fic to include the answers.
Seriously, it will do a lot for your fic.
Dragon
disaster pigeon
- Pronoun
- she
Uh, unlike Leafpool, I don't mind if you don't acknowledge this, because I'm just practicing reviewing because you only hurt yourself by not taking advice. *shrug*
Okay, I'll let you use my Dragonite *cough asspull cough* to go save your girlfriend, because I'm such a nice and caring snowflake. >_>
Could you be a bit less descriptive? Well, while he was readying the Snag Ball *cough asspull cough* why didn't the Skuntank attack?
...Wut. This is Kanto, yes? And he picked up four Pokeballs, which just happened to have three fully evolved, non-native Pokemon in them? Asspull.
ONG, who could this be? :o The tension is killing me. Well, they would have at least taken away her stuff, and put Pachirisu in a separate cage, or a Pokeball, at least. 'Noticed' is... plain. It implies he just turned and noticed someone in a cage with some weapons and a Pachirisu. Without seeing who it was. Right.
No, he went there to go look at the scenery. >_> If you put what Eric said in quotation marks, put what Peggy said in quotation marks as well. And 'hey look at this Skuntank I Snagged' is.. kind of spontaneous.
That could be a single sentence. Nothing special here.
Riiiight. Because Skuntank and Stunky are everywhere in Sinnoh, and waste their time spraying everything. Couldn't you have come up with.. something more creative? The Rockets could have held their noses and killed them by now. They could've killed them a minute or two ago.
...He sent out his Infernape before, so why.. never mind. It's more manly and appealing to pull metal apart with your bare hands. And also very unlikely. And painful.
RAPE So they suddenly decide to hurry now. Good idea! And Peggy, a relatively new Ranger, is so skilled and important that Ranger HQ wants to know where she is right away. Nice way to report back, "my boyfriend saved me, while I had all my weapons, Pachirisu, and my Styler." That's going to go well.
Because Dragonite is so intelligent, it waited patiently! And.. killed a few Grunts. Woo, bonus. I love this part, it's so descriptive~
Awww, that is so cute! Very romantic, especially the use of the word romantic. Very descriptive. And.. why is Mewtwo helping, again..? So Giovanni is an idiotwho probably has no face, like the sexy girlfriend, Eric is ENRAGED, and Mewtwo's along for the ride. Right. And Eric's going to go off and kill him, right? No, don't spoil the plot for me!
..Never mind. And Eric will know where Giovanni is because Mewtwo's going to psychically find his location? And is too lazy to mindcrush him. Mewtwo doesn't smile, he sneers. He is eeevil >:3
Because that would make sense. And ruin the story.
So all in all, you need to be more descriptive, avoid the word 'noticed', it's for trees and flowers, and think about what a you'd do in a character's position. If you were Peggy, you wouldn't just sit in a cage with your weapon crap (which happen to be old fashioned, we use guns and baseball bats today) and wait for your wonderful, perfect boyfriend who you think is dead to rescue you.
Mare Sues suck.
Have a nice life~
EDIT: No, Leafpool's rant/review has moar quotes >:/
Okay, I'll let you use my Dragonite *cough asspull cough* to go save your girlfriend, because I'm such a nice and caring snowflake. >_>
Could you be a bit less descriptive? Well, while he was readying the Snag Ball *cough asspull cough* why didn't the Skuntank attack?
...Wut. This is Kanto, yes? And he picked up four Pokeballs, which just happened to have three fully evolved, non-native Pokemon in them? Asspull.
ONG, who could this be? :o The tension is killing me. Well, they would have at least taken away her stuff, and put Pachirisu in a separate cage, or a Pokeball, at least. 'Noticed' is... plain. It implies he just turned and noticed someone in a cage with some weapons and a Pachirisu. Without seeing who it was. Right.
No, he went there to go look at the scenery. >_> If you put what Eric said in quotation marks, put what Peggy said in quotation marks as well. And 'hey look at this Skuntank I Snagged' is.. kind of spontaneous.
That could be a single sentence. Nothing special here.
Riiiight. Because Skuntank and Stunky are everywhere in Sinnoh, and waste their time spraying everything. Couldn't you have come up with.. something more creative? The Rockets could have held their noses and killed them by now. They could've killed them a minute or two ago.
...He sent out his Infernape before, so why.. never mind. It's more manly and appealing to pull metal apart with your bare hands. And also very unlikely. And painful.
Because Dragonite is so intelligent, it waited patiently! And.. killed a few Grunts. Woo, bonus. I love this part, it's so descriptive~
Awww, that is so cute! Very romantic, especially the use of the word romantic. Very descriptive. And.. why is Mewtwo helping, again..? So Giovanni is an idiot
..Never mind. And Eric will know where Giovanni is because Mewtwo's going to psychically find his location? And is too lazy to mindcrush him. Mewtwo doesn't smile, he sneers. He is eeevil >:3
Because that would make sense. And ruin the story.
So all in all, you need to be more descriptive, avoid the word 'noticed', it's for trees and flowers, and think about what a you'd do in a character's position. If you were Peggy, you wouldn't just sit in a cage with your weapon crap (which happen to be old fashioned, we use guns and baseball bats today) and wait for your wonderful, perfect boyfriend who you think is dead to rescue you.
Mare Sues suck.
Have a nice life~
EDIT: No, Leafpool's rant/review has moar quotes >:/
Aha. Well, I was actually trying to see if I could get Celestial to acknowledge my review and see if he could change any of it or anything. I'm trying to review without being harsh so that maybe Celestial will listen to me.
... I don't know why, really. I think it's for Celestial's sake. Hmm.
Elfin
feeling nostalgic
Good for you, killing a few faceless, disposable bad guys with an attack move! As opposed to Rest, or Splash, or a pipe wrench. >>
Celestial Blade
Banned
Was this directed toward me?
Celestial Blade
Banned
Frosty~
o-o
You mean you don't know o.O?
Well, if I'm going to try to be nice in my reviews, you're going to have to listen to the reviews. Remember that I'm not trying to do all this work for nothing. D:
Celestial Blade
Banned
Frosty~
o-o
Enough? Leafpool was just expressing her annoyance that you weren't taking any notice of any advice at all. If you don't want criticism, then you shouldn't post your fics here. Just be warned that you'll never get any better if you don't listen.
I wasn't even trying to sound annoyed; really it was just so that he'd understand that even if I were to act nice he would need to listen. :/
Flora
local hellion
- Pronoun
- they/he/it/neos
I wasn't originally going to post, but something (besides the fact that you need better paragraph division!) is seriously bugging me:
HOW IN GOD'S NAME CAN YOU CATCH A SKUNTANK WITHOUT EVEN DAMAGING IT?!? It's almost completely impossible, unless you have a Master Ball, which I doubt.
Speaking of which, what kind of Pokéball is it? Is it a regular Pokéball, an Ultra Ball, or something else?
And then we have this:
...he just stole a Skuntank from its (technically) rightful trainer, and the Skuntank...bonds with him right away. It doesn't work that way. Never.
HOW IN GOD'S NAME CAN YOU CATCH A SKUNTANK WITHOUT EVEN DAMAGING IT?!? It's almost completely impossible, unless you have a Master Ball, which I doubt.
Speaking of which, what kind of Pokéball is it? Is it a regular Pokéball, an Ultra Ball, or something else?
And then we have this:
...he just stole a Skuntank from its (technically) rightful trainer, and the Skuntank...bonds with him right away. It doesn't work that way. Never.