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  #21  
Old 10-13-2009, 05:39 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

T. S. Eliot. 8)

eta: I am being intentionally broad, Ruby.
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  #22  
Old 10-13-2009, 06:22 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Thanks for the suggestion; I'll take some of his work out of the library tomorrow and have a look.

In the meantime, I've written another sonnet.

Sonnet 9
The gift of life is ours, and ours alone,
Its bounty should not be abused or lost,
Its freedom glorious denied to none,
Its vibrant beauty preserved at all cost.
So with the liberty that good life brings,
One should not hide behind a false pretence,
But listen to the song that one’s heart sings,
And share with any person love immense.
Your form does not dictate your ideal match,
More sways the mind with thoughts discriminate,
For souls without romance still need a patch
To heal the gap where prejudice once sat.
For gender should not be a barrier:
Life is to love whomever: him or her.
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  #23  
Old 10-15-2009, 09:41 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Lorem, have you thought of writing a couple of Spenserian stanzas?
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  #24  
Old 10-15-2009, 09:49 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Not really, although I haven't got anything against them. I just find the Shakespearian form more fitting to what I want to convey. I could try and do something though, I guess.

EDIT: How's this for a start?

A heavy breeze now blows the leaves along,
And though the verdant grass makes quite a mess,
Its gentleness still carries my fair song,
And in it my sweet love I do confess.
It’s you that I want warmly to impress,
For that’s my life’s lone purpose just for now,
And of this task I wish not make a mess,
And it won’t undertake ‘till I know how
But I still give my life, and I my love endow.

Last edited by Lorem Ipsum; 10-15-2009 at 10:01 PM.
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  #25  
Old 10-16-2009, 06:53 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Oh, you edited your post. I hadn't noticed. I really like the poem, and can see nothing obviously wrong with it. Was it hard to write?
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  #26  
Old 10-17-2009, 12:07 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

To be honest, the words just seemed to flow naturally. The rhyming was the hardest bit, though.
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  #27  
Old 10-17-2009, 06:27 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

It's extraordinary that he rhymed like that for a thousand pages.
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  #28  
Old 12-11-2009, 07:49 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

It is, isn't it?

I have some new sonnets as well, both written at roughly the same time. Please comment!
Sonnet 10
The cold that tries to slay the cross I bear
Can only beat against its hardened shield,
And even if I think this is not fair,
There is no earthly weapon I can wield:
No sword to kill the harshness of my love,
No spear to stab the torture I go through,
No dagger slits the throat of Death’s black dove:
There’s only woe that I endure for you.
So as these bitter winds attempt to cleanse,
Attempt to blow away the weight I hold,
I know that there’s no tough enough defence
Except perhaps in you, to stop the cold.
For where the blizzards rage and hail fall,
The warmth of you, my love, can heal it all.

Sonnet 11
My yearning is just like the universe;
Completely infinite and limit free,
And it is but this life’s one painful curse,
That you can’t find it in you to love me.
As sets the sun, the golden sphere of heav’n,
My love does grow with exponential speed,
And though I write my thoughts down once again,
My message to fallaciousness won’t lead.
And as I look upon the shining Moon,
And also on her glowing minions,
I know my love will grow again quite soon,
As my enamoured state with you deepens.
Your beauty is just incomparable,
And makes worth of my internal struggle.
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  #29  
Old 12-11-2009, 09:48 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I think the next step for your poetry is to make the lines more complicated and varied. So far nearly all your puntuation marks are at the ends of lines. Use punctuation in other places too (when called-for, of course) so that the rhythm of the poem gets to do some tricks. Shakespeare does this less in his sonnets than in his plays, but it's common in both. Compare his Sonnet XI with yours:

As fast as thou shalt wane, so fast thou grow'st
In one of thine, from that which thou departest;
And that fresh blood which youngly thou bestow'st,
Thou mayst call thine when thou from youth convertest.
Herein lives wisdom, beauty, and increase;
Without this folly, age, and cold decay:
If all were minded so, the times should cease
And threescore year would make the world away.
Let those whom nature hath not made for store,
Harsh, featureless, and rude, barrenly perish:
Look whom she best endow'd, she gave the more;
Which bounteous gift thou shouldst in bounty cherish:
She carv'd thee for her seal, and meant thereby,
Thou shouldst print more, not let that copy die.

Last edited by Ruby; 01-17-2011 at 12:44 PM.
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  #30  
Old 12-19-2009, 01:04 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I see what you mean, it is quite... flat, in terms of punctuation. I've tried to spruce the next one up a little though.

Sonnet 12
I see you now, within the arms of her,
Content with what she has, her stolen gain,
As you grow warm, I grow slowly colder,
Afraid that I might ne'er see you again.
She's captured all your heart with tricks and ploys,
As I just watch, quite helpless, from the side,
Experiencing not your love's fine joys,
Alone; a branch that has been cast aside.
And yet, I cannot bring myself to hate:
Your face depicts the essence of delight,
So I must now conclude that it is fate
To lose this ever raging, lonely fight.
I bid you to be happy in her arms,
But I will ne'er forget your beauty's charms.
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  #31  
Old 03-24-2010, 06:26 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I've been playing around with the sonnet again, and trying to get away from the normal structuring of punctuation only at the end of each line. I personally think that I've been quite successful, but that's for you to judge, really.

Sonnet 13
As deities have carved out those content
Merely to follow meekly; subtle ones,
They also have those more persistent sent
From heav’n, who0 dog straight from the rise o’ th’ sun
To sweet moon-fall, the masterpiece of night,
And who pursue their marks with carnal haste.
And though the latter person is not right,
My single error: I put time to waste.
The time I sing of is my time with you,
Night shrouded one, and it is well to speak
Of secret doting, but, inaction too:
The call of love is not to be there, meek!
So I chastise myself for my misdeed,
For it is now with you that I should plead.
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  #32  
Old 03-24-2010, 06:28 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I've been playing around with the sonnet again, and trying to get away from the normal structuring of punctuation only at the end of each line. I personally think that I've been quite successful, but that's for you to judge, really.

Sonnet 13
As deities have carved out those content
Merely to follow meekly; subtle ones,
They also have those more persistent sent
From heav’n, who0 dog straight from the rise o’ th’ sun
To sweet moon-fall, the masterpiece of night,
And who pursue their marks with carnal haste.
And though the latter person is not right,
My single error: I put time to waste.
The time I sing of is my time with you,
Night shrouded one, and it is well to speak
Of secret doting, but, inaction too:
The call of love is not to be there, meek!
So I chastise myself for my misdeed,
For it is now with you that I should plead.
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  #33  
Old 01-16-2011, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Epic bumpage, but I've written two more sonnets recently:

Sonnet 14
Although alternatives will sometimes sate
The founding wish, as with the art of words
Which I use now, they often do restate
The old volition, which may sound absurd,
But such a tragedy has me ensnared;
When I thought freedom had been found from your
Strange grasp, the strangler of my heart, I bled
Myself still looking, for your love and more.
I need you, O night shrouded one; my love,
The burning sphere of light that in the heav'ns
Illuminates my life, and I don't bluff
When I feel grief within my dark soul's cav'rns,
And though some others just may have to do,
Night shrouded one, I love – and I need – you!

Sonnet 15
The beast of my enthralment clutches me
Within its talons sharp, and then it bites
Me where the naked eye cannot quite see:
Within the heart where love and conscience fight;
Control their only target. You know now
Night shrouded one, and know of that hard curse
Which shades my soul and sweeps my pale white brow
With Neptune's charge, but that just makes it worse,
The torture that is worsened by this beast,
The mental anguish which to every sense
Is as a virus never cured; never ceased,
And to which for me there's no defence.
But you may ask as to the monster's name,
'Tis Love, and 'tis impossible to tame.
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  #34  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:33 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I really like your poetry, Lorem, on an emotional level. I really don't know a lot about poetic structure, and I could really care less about the stresses and syllables and all that. What's more important to me is that the poem, whether sonnet, couplet, or free verse, speaks to me on an emotional level. Sonnet 15, especially: I can really feel your struggle with your inner feelings, especially in light of your recent posts in the Coughing Cupboard.
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  #35  
Old 02-06-2011, 09:15 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I have two more 8)

Sonnet 16
Explain to me, O Muse, the fiery heat
Of anger and the cold tide of mockery
That within some souls will always seat
The essence of my eternal fuckery.
The words that doth from my mouth tumble
Should form a clear picture of the pain
I must endure: this long internal jumble
That hits me like the cold, lancing rain
Which haunts the waltzing skies or the scene
Of my broken mind. I can’t endure
This endless heartache which doth impugn
Upon my life and makes its sadness sure.
Be gone, you foul beast, you monstrosity!
Emotion ne’er you’ll feel, least o’ that pity.

NB: This one contains swearing and some dangerous deviation from the metre but I wrote it at one in the morning, crying, the most depressed I've ever been.

Sonnet 17
Within the field, I met a placid rose
And he, despite his shyness, shone with sweet
Beauty, and did to me this question pose,
"Why, O man, does your heart in sadness beat?"
And though this rose did say some valid words -
For truly, sadness pervaded me that day -
To the rose, my love I did not want inferred,
And so instead to him, I spoke this way:
"O rose, 'tis true, with melancholy heart
I walk and wander in your field, but true
'Tis also that the sorrow on my part
Is caused by beauty; the beauty that's of you."
And then from this fine flower I did make haste,
So's not to make me sadder; my love not waste.
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  #36  
Old 03-01-2011, 07:34 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I'm on a roll: Sonnets 18-21 written tonight or yesterday! What a way to procrastinate before exams tomorrow!

Sonnet 18
Forsake all things that they might now be changed,
And bid farewell to th’shadows of your form,
And let your locked desires now not be caged
For from your comfort, now I want thee torn.
O reader, I address not you, and nor
My muse that still so oft inspires my words,
For I am “you” and “you” is I, and for
Myself this verse is sung, so that when heard
It might inspire some change in me. For how
Can I contest the love of those beloved
To me when in this awful shell I now
Reside: the ogre; lonely and unloved.
And so farewell to thee I make my bidding:
The shades that plague my form are mine for ridding.

Sonnet 19
As waneth day, convergeth night upon the
Shining shores of Phoebus. This change is marked;
Welcomed and cherished, but there’s no closure
That I see to my love that’s long been sparked.
Did not the Bard once in his verses say
That “every fair from fair sometime declines”?
You hurt me, and enthral me how you defy
This heavn’ly oracle, the words of godly mind.
I thought that over time, my love would wane:
Diminish like the court of trenchant Sol,
But now within tempestuous me, feel pain
Do I, that I cannot embrace you: whole.
You churl, why won’t your beauty ever fade?
Your beauty is more fair than words can say.

Sonnet 20
Upset, distress, this quick-embellished rage:
All are the flavours that within my blood
A man of science could, in truth, now gauge
Within my mental streams the hue of mud.
I do not know quite why this ill I feel,
For as my friend says: the guilty party
Is one. But lo: my melancholy’s real
And this dark path truly is not far ‘till
It leads to more, then more again;
This whirling tempest of feeling that does
My core corrode, catastrophic with pain
Till naught is left but knowledge of my loss.
O Muse, inform me why these people still exist:
Their purpose solely misery: to ne’er desist.

Sonnet 21
O reader, if you’re reading this, then know
That I don’t occupy your mind with vague
Scenes, and the falsehood that other poets show:
These sonnets writeth I for just one sake.
That sake? To show the workings of my soul,
The visions of my mind; the sadness in
My thoughts: to show my feelings as a whole,
And show the way they work – through suffering.
My love – dewed tales speak of the one so dear
To me; my tear soaked songs of those who just
Can’t find a drop of friendship in or near
The chasms of their souls; no speck of trust.
Away, O reader, if in your mind is dread:
For here come tales to which my heart has bled.

19 is probably my favourite. Comments and crits always appreciated :D
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  #37  
Old 03-06-2011, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
XXII
I’ve known right since that fateful day this change,
Despite it being quite against my will,
And now in hap’ning it feels somewhat strange
That twixt us this great chasm opens still.
The lofty love of summer has but passed
And “friend’s” fair fit fastidiously fades,
And I can truly see that we can’t last
In this bewitched way my love has made.
You draw from me as bird away from fox,
As if my every word spreads some foul draught
Into your veins, and yea, you’re also mocked,
For being the only that I’ve truly loved.
I never want you gone, please don’t depart!
Your recent stormy soul shatters my heart!
yes i'm feeling particularly depressed at the moment
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  #38  
Old 03-26-2011, 08:16 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

twenty-third and twenty-fourth sonnets written - please give me some comments on them all up to this point :(

Sonnet 23
The ears that do not listen are not ears at all:
The flesh is only there as grand veneers,
And so when told are stories; tales tall,
The victim is discarded though he hears.
Another demon, context, can be foul,
And when withdrawn, his turgid talons bite:
Constrict the path of truth, and false endow
The one who thinks reliably to fight.
And last of all, the final hound is bias
Who, without doubt corrupts the judging view,
And would make thoughtful ones seem petty liars
Although their truths are undeniably true.
By flesh and blood the crimes above are made,
And titles such as “liar” thus I’m paid.

Sonnet 24
The truth, my hidden love, tell me the truth
Regarding what lies truly in your heart:
For though I wish to trust your words, uncouth
The words of others shade the tale you impart.
You seem to see it shameful, what you are,
A plague unwelcome to your perfect soul,
But this doth torture me: my mind-mood mar,
Your strife internal, your fight to make you whole.
In plainer words I cannot speak my mind:
I love you now and then forever more,
And so my heart to yours I wish to bind
And plunge myself into your soul, your core.
For I think that I know now how you feel,
But through your fear, my dreams will ne’er be real.
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  #39  
Old 03-29-2011, 08:55 PM
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Sonnet 25
Where hope once sat, futility now reigns.
And much as once Cronus sat with golden crown
Until strident Zeus had him from there tane,
My heart you’ve torn and hath my dreams ripped down.
As novae burn, their brightest clouds release,
I’m trapped within this shroud of darkest black:
Within my soul I’m doomed to not find peace,
Ignoring love that is, but that I lack.
You slash, you tear, destroyer of my heart,
Contented in yourself that she, the witch,
You hath once more, and in your haste to dart
To her foul side, to helpless hope you stitch
Me. Woe! For I can’t sway your precious mind,
And so must wait till your true self you find.

comments and crits etc but what are the chances of that?
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  #40  
Old 03-29-2011, 10:17 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

To be honest, I would give you comments and critique but anything I say would be tainted by the fact that I loathe iambic pentameter, thus making me not a very good source of critique.
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