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Very small excerpt from Elegy, my story in progress.
- Thread starter Furretsu
- Start date
Dragon_night
New member
I like the start of it. How you had dialogue, which seemed to snap up into the story much like Liv snapped into reality.
Although, there was a problem just after, which ruined the mood a bit.
Well, the second sentence of this throws me off. It just seems like a big jump from 'daydreaming' to the sun, which are two unrelated things. And having two unrelated things can make the flow of the writing mess up.
But, I can see that these two are supposed to be connected, because the character was looking at the balcony outside her room (By my guess of they way she was looking at it after). If that's the case, you should try to explain it more, or better yet, show it, so the reader can understand better without having to read things over to know that those two sentences are connected.
See how you did it here? Instead of saying she was daydreaming, you showed it (although, that has nothing to do with what I said above, that's a pretty good thing to do in writing :3). And, more importantly, you did it in a way that made everything connect and flow with each other. This part is make's me feel her daydream coming on, and how the outside seemed to capture Liv's eyes.
Now, I know what kind of feeling you meant to give here, but ti didn't really show through. I know it's hard hard to describe pure music in writing, but I found you ended it a little short, making the song have less of an overall impact, and making it seem too small.
What I would suggest to make the song seem longer (and give the impact you were trying to get at,) would be to describe everything Liv would be sensing at that point. She has her eyes closed right? So why not describe how her fingers feel when they brush against the key's of the Piano, how the lower note make her body vibrate, how the most beautiful part of the song seems to make her body melt away (okay, maybe that a bit cheesy, but whatever)
This paragraph bugs me. It just seems too choppy, and the transition that happens in it is just too quick, speeding up the pace to something much higher then it was before. Slowdown, and describe things. What about Liv's joy of finally leaving that room? The way her hope had been answer?
Yeah, I don't have much else to say. You are right, it is short. Too short for me to come up with anything else anyway. Sorry >.>
Keep it up!
Although, there was a problem just after, which ruined the mood a bit.
Well, the second sentence of this throws me off. It just seems like a big jump from 'daydreaming' to the sun, which are two unrelated things. And having two unrelated things can make the flow of the writing mess up.
But, I can see that these two are supposed to be connected, because the character was looking at the balcony outside her room (By my guess of they way she was looking at it after). If that's the case, you should try to explain it more, or better yet, show it, so the reader can understand better without having to read things over to know that those two sentences are connected.
See how you did it here? Instead of saying she was daydreaming, you showed it (although, that has nothing to do with what I said above, that's a pretty good thing to do in writing :3). And, more importantly, you did it in a way that made everything connect and flow with each other. This part is make's me feel her daydream coming on, and how the outside seemed to capture Liv's eyes.
Now, I know what kind of feeling you meant to give here, but ti didn't really show through. I know it's hard hard to describe pure music in writing, but I found you ended it a little short, making the song have less of an overall impact, and making it seem too small.
What I would suggest to make the song seem longer (and give the impact you were trying to get at,) would be to describe everything Liv would be sensing at that point. She has her eyes closed right? So why not describe how her fingers feel when they brush against the key's of the Piano, how the lower note make her body vibrate, how the most beautiful part of the song seems to make her body melt away (okay, maybe that a bit cheesy, but whatever)
This paragraph bugs me. It just seems too choppy, and the transition that happens in it is just too quick, speeding up the pace to something much higher then it was before. Slowdown, and describe things. What about Liv's joy of finally leaving that room? The way her hope had been answer?
Yeah, I don't have much else to say. You are right, it is short. Too short for me to come up with anything else anyway. Sorry >.>
Keep it up!
Last edited:
octobr
silence is scarier
- Pronoun
- it
I think this is your main issue.
Because it's such a small excerpt, we can't really get a feel to it yet. I don't know if the piano playing is relevant or just an excuse to throw in a cool piano or just an excuse to use music. I don't know if the focus on the outside is a result of her wanting to be out there, or if it's just more exciting than the house -- I can't tell if her father is anything important or if he just doesn't have a name yet.
So, much as I'd love to really critique this, I'm ... not quite sure what's going on. Had we a bit more to work with, an idea of the plot (please don't give me a plot summary, though), it'd be easier to say 'well this is unnecessary, this should be expanded on,' et cetera.
As it is it feels as though you're focusing more on her surroundings than her. It's kind of awkwardly impersonal, like Liv dearest is almost robotic. It appears to be third person limited and I'd like to see a little more into liv's head (since I have this feeling that with a little practice you'll be able to do very good character-influenced descriptions).
And there's gotta be a way to say her room felt like a prison without using the cliche itself! I believe in youuuu, retsuuuu. Use the spring atmosphere as contrast against her room's atmosphere.
Also, when you asked me about starting with dialogue, I said it needed to be powerful -- here it would be more appropriate to describe her daydream, or to describe her feelings/thoughts (absentmindedness, etc) while hinting that she wanted to be outside (right?). The current opening line is sort of bland and just ladida.
You have some good description, but it seems to be used on less important things. Repeatedly you mention how the spring was wonderful, but we could get that through things like the scent of the air floating in the house, or the soft glint off the white keys of the piano (good way to make reference to a piano without directly stating it, btw), or the quiet birds in the distance.
In certain instances you are totally guilting of just telling. Like 'she replied indifferently, hoping to end this practice.' We should be able to hear that and feel that. Play around until you can find a way to portray her impatience with practice without actually saying she was impatient.
So basically it's a good start, but I have no idea what's happening and it feels as if the practice is irrelevant and distracting. I might be wrong, though, so I guess come back with a longer piece. *shrugs*
Ok I hope you read that sorry for the wall of text.
TL;DR: work on describing what should be described and what isn't irrelevant, give us more plot, disregard nearly everything dragon_night said. (I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG NANANANA NA NA. haha, no, but really, though, some of the things you said were kind of off, dragon.)
Also 'golden doorknob' haha. I'VE GOT THE GOLDEN DOORKNOB WE CAN GO SEE WILLY WONKA
Because it's such a small excerpt, we can't really get a feel to it yet. I don't know if the piano playing is relevant or just an excuse to throw in a cool piano or just an excuse to use music. I don't know if the focus on the outside is a result of her wanting to be out there, or if it's just more exciting than the house -- I can't tell if her father is anything important or if he just doesn't have a name yet.
So, much as I'd love to really critique this, I'm ... not quite sure what's going on. Had we a bit more to work with, an idea of the plot (please don't give me a plot summary, though), it'd be easier to say 'well this is unnecessary, this should be expanded on,' et cetera.
As it is it feels as though you're focusing more on her surroundings than her. It's kind of awkwardly impersonal, like Liv dearest is almost robotic. It appears to be third person limited and I'd like to see a little more into liv's head (since I have this feeling that with a little practice you'll be able to do very good character-influenced descriptions).
And there's gotta be a way to say her room felt like a prison without using the cliche itself! I believe in youuuu, retsuuuu. Use the spring atmosphere as contrast against her room's atmosphere.
Also, when you asked me about starting with dialogue, I said it needed to be powerful -- here it would be more appropriate to describe her daydream, or to describe her feelings/thoughts (absentmindedness, etc) while hinting that she wanted to be outside (right?). The current opening line is sort of bland and just ladida.
You have some good description, but it seems to be used on less important things. Repeatedly you mention how the spring was wonderful, but we could get that through things like the scent of the air floating in the house, or the soft glint off the white keys of the piano (good way to make reference to a piano without directly stating it, btw), or the quiet birds in the distance.
In certain instances you are totally guilting of just telling. Like 'she replied indifferently, hoping to end this practice.' We should be able to hear that and feel that. Play around until you can find a way to portray her impatience with practice without actually saying she was impatient.
So basically it's a good start, but I have no idea what's happening and it feels as if the practice is irrelevant and distracting. I might be wrong, though, so I guess come back with a longer piece. *shrugs*
Ok I hope you read that sorry for the wall of text.
TL;DR: work on describing what should be described and what isn't irrelevant, give us more plot, disregard nearly everything dragon_night said. (I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE WRONG NANANANA NA NA. haha, no, but really, though, some of the things you said were kind of off, dragon.)
Also 'golden doorknob' haha. I'VE GOT THE GOLDEN DOORKNOB WE CAN GO SEE WILLY WONKA