One-Shot [no title]

okay, foreword: i fail at writing.

i /don't know what this is/.
it is too short imo, it is completely and somewhat obviously fictional, and i'm not hiding some terrible regret, i'm not suffering nightmares about stuff i didn't do and people hating me, my fingers just felt like shitting out words.
but!
i figured "what better a place to put it than teacod?!"




What do you dream about?

When I dream, a world forms. A world in which I am able to create or destroy, where time is endless, where all is and calm.

I occasionally hear noises. Small, reverberating tones that chime from nowhere, lasting either mere moments or seemingly countless eons, yet slowly dissipating in all directions.

The clearest notes reflect my happiest, most vivid feelings, emotions, and moments of my life. A picture forms in my mind, and I can still hear the laughter. I can even still feel warmth.

While many of these notes are clear and crisp, others are impure, almost violent. These disrupt the calm of my world, nightmarishly changing it to darkness. Cold sets in, and memories of painful moments, regrets of actions never taken, words never spoken, and abandoned ideas that never blossomed flash through my mind.

The distortions are growing more and more frequent, constantly bringing forth my fears, my lies, and mistakes that I've never forgiven myself for. My attempts to come to peace of mind seem futile, as these suppressed experiences multiply and grow.

Telling the truth, moving on... They may help me rid myself of the experiences I've held in, but how do I explain them to the people I hold most dear? My friends, if they knew what I've withheld, would cast me aside. "What a monster you are!" they would call, and everything left would depart from my soul. This darkness, these evil chords that put me in such distress, would engulf this place. My tranquil world would cease to exist altogether, but...

If this is my nightmare, maybe I've just forgotten how to dream.




so yeah, feel free to comment/critique/make fun of me/awkwardly stare at your monitor while contemplating suicide, i'll take anything (especially suggestions!)

Errors:

Shiranui said:

where all is and calm.

Click to expand...

Shiranui said:

I can even still feel warmth.

Click to expand...

This is too short to be a one-shot/story by itself, even this was...well-written. As evocative as it was, it needs to be of decent length to be effective, which it was, just short-lived. Not that I don't think you'd like extending this, but yeah, nice s***ting.

Actually I rather enjoyed how short this was because I have an almost nonexistent attention span. I think it really flowed well; the only awkward points were the two errors mentioned by DonKarasuMan.

I guess its length (or lack thereof) isn't that damaging to the piece, since you do have excellent description that compensates, but there's a feeling of space that hasn't been filled up.

Then again, that is the main reason why one-shots are forced to be expanded upon and become a pile of rubbish that should've been left alone in the first place. Damn peer pressure.

It feels like this would transmute nicely into a poem if you were to tweak it and reorganize it. If you're up to it, I'd suggest at least trying to see if it works. It has nice language and a good flow, so I think it would fit well.

I don't think it was too short, for the type of piece it is. I don't really see a way you could expand it without losing its flow and feeling, which seems like the intent.