• Welcome to The Cave of Dragonflies forums, where the smallest bugs live alongside the strongest dragons.

    Guests are not able to post messages or even read certain areas of the forums. Now, that's boring, don't you think? Registration, on the other hand, is simple, completely free of charge, and does not require you to give out any personal information at all. As soon as you register, you can take part in some of the happy fun things at the forums such as posting messages, voting in polls, sending private messages to people and being told that this is where we drink tea and eat cod.

    Of course I'm not forcing you to do anything if you don't want to, but seriously, what have you got to lose? Five seconds of your life?

One-Shot Love=Pain.

Teardrop

New member
Aria wasn’t quite sure why she did things like this, things that butchered her insides in such a way. Maybe it was a need for memories, something to hold her to this world, as if putting her soul in pain would keep it from leaving her body. She slid a CD in to the slot of her car stereo, and turned up the music, it was a mix from her favorite bands.

She missed him, every minute of the day she couldn’t see his face, or hear his voice she missed him. And it hurt her, it felt like someone was punching her in the stomach, she wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. If she screamed she would cry, Aria hated crying, because it just made her hurt more.

That’s the thing about online relationships, you can’t ever be close to the person you’re in love with, if you’re really in love with them at all. Aria had been questioning what she’d been feeling for a long time now. She knew it was completely irrational, and extremely stupid for her to be in love with this boy, someone she’d never even met! She was the one who’d said she’d never do that, be stupid and fall in love with someone on the other side of a screen.

She was the one it’d happened to though, and she hated it, but she loved him. And she knew that she would give anything, short of her soul, to meet him. Which was the stupidest thing she’d ever considered, she hadn’t ever seen him, she didn’t know his voice, she didn’t know him!
Aria was nearing home, she knew what she would do once she got there. She’d turn on the computer and talk to this boy who lived halfway across the world. And put herself in pain again.

She wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. If she screamed she would cry, Aria hated crying, because it just made her hurt more.
 
Well, it was pretty short, which was why I was able to post this so soon :P

There were a few grammar errors, which I'll point out later, but with that aside, this reminds me of, stuff. It's... a bit over dramatical, seeing that we don't really have any background on the characters. As for your description, well, it was mostly of Aria's thought. It took me until near the end until I realized that she was driving the car, which you could have had in before and during your description of her thoughts.


She slid a CD in to the slot of her car stereo, and turned up the music, it was a mix from her favorite bands.

The last part of this sentence could be a new sentence, or with the comma omitted and replaced with a semicolon.

And it hurt her, it felt like someone was punching her in the stomach, she wanted to scream, but she couldn’t. If she screamed she would cry, Aria hated crying, because it just made her hurt more.

Kind of like I said before, but this time, the part after the second last comma should be a sentence on it's own.

If she screamed she would cry, Aria hated crying, because it just made her hurt more.

Same as before.

Anyway, this is a bit too short for me to say anything else.

Keep it up!
 
Hmm. It has a lot of potential to be really good, but right now, it's too short to have a lot of emotional effect. Draw it out more- maybe have Aria drive to a grocery store or something, and have her see a shelf containing the boy's favorite food, and how seeing that food brings pain to her because of him.

I like how you repeat "If she screamed she would cry, Aria hated crying, because it just made her hurt more. " That adds emotion to it, although you should take Dragon_night's suggestion and split this into two sentences or add "and" or something.

Overall, it has potential to be very emotional, but right now it's not long enough to pack a punch. Try lengthening it a little bit more. =)
 
Not bad. :) I pretty much agree with what the others have said. Make it a bit longer to develop the story a bit further and be careful about comma splices. Perhaps adding a bit of physical description might make it more interesting, although I suppose the story is mainly Aria's thoughts. But perhaps describing the weather, the smells of the car, what time of day it is, etc. would contribute to the mood?
 
You've got a lot of potential here but it's not enough to make this a real heart-stopper. The only criticism I could really give (without repeating what everyone else has said) is give it some storyline, some plot or something. Right now this just seems to be a bit of a vent, and not much else.

Give it some sha-zaam, some sparkle. You know what I mean.
 
Back
Top Bottom