In Progress Extra Element

Time for da sequel. The original and this one can be found in my sig. This won't be updated as frequently as its prequel, because [understandably] it's not NaNo anymore. Regardless, I'll try to write at least two chapters per month. I'd appreciate all the criticism I can get, and...

Enjoy!~


Once upon a time, a long, long time ago…Wait, what do you mean it wasn’t a long time? Two hundred years is plenty long! Okay. Whatever. Let’s try that again.

Once upon a time, almost exactly two hundred years ago, an evil dictator rose to power in Aemana. His name was Lord Dakar, and he was the embodiment of the element of darkness itself. For a long time he ruled Aemana, causing economic chaos and destruction all across the land. He even hypnotized the three governing bodies, the Elemental Sages, and forced them to do his own bidding. There was no way for Aemana to escape Dakar’s clutches.

But, of course, people tried. Light Magicians, unique people with the ability to control the element of Light, were able to scale Mount Sifirce and enter Lord Dakar’s castle, in hopes of defeating the demon. Sadly, all failed, and were killed immediately.

Except for the one that survived.

His name was Harris, and he was an intermediate Light Magician. Many still wonder how he even got to Dakar’s castle and made it through, but somehow he did, and challenged Dakar just as all those who had gone before him had done. Like all the rest, he was defeated instantly.

But when Dakar tried to kill Harris with a final blast, Harris barely managed to shield himself from the blow, and managed to hang on to his life. He was blasted all the way across Aemana, from Dakar’s castle in the far north all the way to Aqaic Village in the south. When he landed in Aqaic, he was befriended by a young elemental magician, a Wind prodigy named Kenji. Together, the two ventured back through Aemana to Dakar’s castle, and on the way used Harris’s Light ability to free all of the Elemental Sages from hypnosis.

With all of the Sages free, Dakar’s secret was finally revealed. Kenji became a Rainbow Sage, and, along with Harris, entered Dakar’s castle with the intent to finally best Dakar. He and Harris fought bravely. In the end, after a long and valiant battle, Kenji dealt the final blow to Lord Dakar, causing his body to completely dissipate, and leaving all of the Darkness seemingly extinguished and nonexistent. Kenji’s wand is currently held in the Temple of the Elements in Aquapolis, a dear memento of what a true hero is.

Many years have passed since then. Many, many years...

Ah, school. Always such a pointless time-waster.

Adrian was glancing out the window of the classroom absent-mindedly. He was thankful that this was the last class of the day, and his favorite class of all: History. His teacher was absolutely awesome, and like all truly good teachers, knew exactly the right way to squeeze a little fun into a highly educational lesson.

“The reason we don’t have any higher technology than we actually do,” his teacher was saying, “is that there is really no need for it. Though we could be using technology far beyond our wildest dreams right now, we don’t. The cause of this is the Elements. The benefit of having Elements on hand has essentially given humans no need for higher technology. We have Fire for heat, and Electricity to power the technology we do have.”

Adrian smiled, thinking about the Elements. Elements were special powers, allowing any “magicians” that controlled them to utilize the powers related to the element. The ten elements were Fire, Electricity, Ice, Water, Earth, Plant, Mind, Wind, Darkness and Light. Adrian himself was gifted with the element of Wind, probably in part to his being a descendant of the great hero, Kenji. Though he still didn’t have any amount of skill comparable to his ancestor, he was still quite talented with the element. He was one of the few students in his Eighth grade class to be naturally gifted with an element at all.

His teacher continued her speech. “Back when Dakar was dictator, and up until about twenty years ago, only one in forty people possessed any element at all. Those statistics really haven’t actually changed, so even now it’s rare for anyone to be gifted with natural elements. However, ever since Elemental Enhancement wands were created, the odds have risen.”

This was all review. Boring! Most of the kids, Adrian thought to himself, in his class used Elemental Power through means of Enhancement wands, special wands that gave people limited elemental powers. Of course, Enhancement power was nothing compared to the potential of naturally developed Elemental power, but it at least served to make the ungifted people less jealous.

“Well,” Adrian’s teacher said, “That’s pretty much all of today’s lesson.” The class began to breathe sighs of relief. “However,” the teacher continued, though, “I may as well just keep talking, because what I’ve said already has brought me to it anyway.”

The class groaned softly, and Adrian sighed at them. Pitiful. Was it really that bad for them?

His teacher cleared her throat. “Well, back when Lord Dakar was still the ruler of Aemana,” she said, “Aquapolis didn’t even exist. In its place was the small village of Aqaic. Since then, Aqaic has grown. Eventually, it became too big for the village it was. All of Aqaic’s residents agreed to expand the village, and after a few decades they had turned the small village into a beautiful seashore town. That was Aquapolis. Since then, Aquapolis has grown to become one of Aemana’s major economic cities, second only to Motrepolis. Of course, the defeat of Dakar and re-opening of the Aemana’s border contributed to that in no small part. But anyway, that was what crafted Aquapolis into the paradise it is now.”

Just as she stopped to breathe, though, the school’s intercom buzzed to life.

“Attention to all classes,” the intercom rang out, “A town meeting has been called, and every resident of Aquapolis is required to attend unless disabled from doing so. Therefore, all classes are dismissed for the day. All students and teachers are ordered to immediately make their way to the Aquapolis city square.” The intercom then cut off.

Kenji’s teacher glanced puzzledly up at the intercom. “Well that was strange,” she said to herself, then turned to the rest of the class. “Well then, I guess class is dismissed.”

The class quickly filed out of the classroom.


The Aquapolis city square bordered the ocean, with streets coming in from two directions. The square itself was a large circular plaza, with all sorts of shops and federal buildings lining its borders.

Today, there was a small stage set up on the side of the ocean. The rest of the square in front of the stage was packed with citizens. Thankfully, Aquapolis wasn’t quite as big as Motrepolis.

On the edge of the stage was the city mayor, a short, chubby man in a dark grey suit and a red tie. He was eyeing the stage’s other occupants somewhat curiously.

In the middle of the stage, standing in front of a microphone, stood Aquainate. Aquainate was the city’s protector, as well as the Sage of the element of Water. He stood, human-like, in a black and red-striped diving outfit. His body was bluish and sort of watery, and there was a small bit of translucency in it. Truthfully, Aquainate looked as if he was made out of bluish goo held together. Sprouting out of his head was a large orange cone, which looked to Adrian like a sort of energy core. He had a look of uncertainty on his face, like it was the first time he’d ever had to make a public speech.

Standing next to him was the Ice Mage, the Elemental Sage of the element of Ice. He was old, with a light blue cloak. His white moustache and stern expression gave Adrian the feeling that he was obviously not an amateur at this kind of thing, and that he was very wise—and very powerful. Well, that made sense. Along with the other two Chief Sages, he was a governor of Aemana. He glanced sternly at Aquainate, waiting patiently for the Water Sage’s speech to begin.

After a few minutes, Aquainate tapped the microphone. Adrian took a quick glance backwards; almost everyone in the city was already there and not many more people would be coming.

Aquainate cleared his throat. “Hello,” he said somewhat nervously. “As most of you are probably aware, I am Aquainate the Sage of the element of Water. I have called all of you here today to make a dire announcement. Something truly terrible has happened.”

With this line, the crowd broke out in hushed excitement. Everyone was whispering to each other about what he had meant.

The Water Sage tapped the microphone again. “I regret to inform you,” he continued, “that somehow, Lord Dakar is back.”

That statement caused complete chaos to break out. The city was awake in chatter and discussion. Aquainate cleared his throat again to try to revert their attention, to no avail. He glanced at the Ice Mage, who stepped forward.

“SILENCE!”, the Ice Mage bellowed in a voice louder than anything Adrian had ever heard. The crowd instantly hushed up and looked at the stage. The Ice Mage smiled smugly at Aquainate and floated back to his original position. “Continue.”

Aquainate followed the older Sage’s directions. “According to what we’ve found already, Dakar is floating around Aemana and hypnotizing the Elemental Sages—A tactic exactly identical to what he did last time he existed. Now, we Sages are very worried about the welfare of each other. Unfortunately, what with this incident making things as it is, I, nor any of the other Sages, cannot go ensure the safety of each other. In particular, I am worried about the welfare of Colonel Flutter, the Sage of the element of Wind. Instead, I’d really appreciate it if I could have help—someone to run that little errand for me.” He pointed at the crowd. “But since Cardon Peak can only be scaled with the power of Wind, I’ll need a Wind Magician’s help. Is there anyone in this city whose control of the element of Wind is secure enough to make this quest?”

Adrian raised his hand.

Aquainate looked straight at the young Wind magician. “Good,” he said, “I’ll ask anyone willing to meet me in the City Hall immediately after this speech ends.” He bowed. “Thank you.”

Slowly, the crowd began to dissipate. Adrian just stood, bewildered at what had just happened. It was too much to take in at once! Then, he realized what he was supposed to be doing and hurried across the city square to City Hall.



Author's Notes
-You know, history is actually my least favorite subject, somewhat ironically..

Hello! You claim to be interested in constructive criticism. I really enjoy writing artistic and literary criticism; it isn't frequently that people are accepting of it, and your prologue is interesting enough that I'd like to.

I haven't read the first one, so I'm possibly lacking in context, but sequels should be pretty solid on their own.

If anything sounds abrasive, it's completely unintentional.

Superbird said:

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago…Wait, what do you mean it wasn’t a long time? Two hundred years is plenty long! Okay. Whatever. Let’s try that again.

Click to expand...

This part is entirely unnecessary. You're trying to make a joke here, but you really, really don't need to. It throws off the reader when you continue with what looks like it's supposed to be serious. I'd like to be able to take the introduction seriously because I feel like it would read best that way, but either way, you're going to have to decide whether you want to go for comedy or serious in the prologue. Using jokes to lighten the mood is one thing, but you have to set the mood before you can lighten it.

Could you explain why you decided a joke was a good idea? That would help me to understand what you're trying to accomplish as far as the mood goes.

Once upon a time, almost exactly two hundred years ago, an evil dictator rose to power in Aemana. His name was Lord Dakar, and he was the embodiment of the element of darkness itself. For a long time he ruled Aemana, causing economic chaos and destruction all across the land. He even hypnotized the three governing bodies, the Elemental Sages, and forced them to do his own bidding. There was no way for Aemana to escape Dakar’s clutches.

Click to expand...

This part isn't bad, but again, it's difficult to tell what you're trying to accomplish. He's apparently the "embodiment of darkness", and from someone like that I'd expect a bit more than economic chaos.

I'd advise you to either tone down his introduction so that this is less jarring, or increase his hold on the world farther than the government and the economy. I'm not familiar with your story, but if he's truly the embodiment of darkness, I would expect more out of him.

But, of course, people tried. Light Magicians, unique people with the ability to control the element of Light, were able to scale Mount Sifirce and enter Lord Dakar’s castle, in hopes of defeating the demon. Sadly, all failed, and were killed immediately.

Click to expand...

I would appreciate more detail in this part. Not very much more, because I get the feeling this is supposed to be sort of a quick overview, but this is an important part of the story and you're mostly skipping over it. That last sentence in particular just doesn't cut it.

Except for the one that survived.

His name was Harris, and he was an intermediate Light Magician. Many still wonder how he even got to Dakar’s castle and made it through, but somehow he did, and challenged Dakar just as all those who had gone before him had done. Like all the rest, he was defeated instantly.

Click to expand...

Again, a bit of detail would be nice.

Two things here. One, do you really need to name him? Is this an important detail? Will it ever come up again? If not, reconsider. You want to give enough detail to keep the reader interested, but you want to use it sparingly, or it feels like clutter. Additionally, this was two hundred years ago, and I'm under the impression he wasn't very important before this event - do you think anyone still remembers his name?

You should also consider replacing the term "intermediate Light Magician." I get the gist of it, but it sounds like an in-world term as well, and you should try to introduce those slowly.

But when Dakar tried to kill Harris with a final blast, Harris barely managed to shield himself from the blow, and managed to hang on to his life. He was blasted all the way across Aemana, from Dakar’s castle in the far north all the way to Aqaic Village in the south. When he landed in Aqaic, he was befriended by a young elemental magician, a Wind prodigy named Kenji. Together, the two ventured back through Aemana to Dakar’s castle, and on the way used Harris’s Light ability to free all of the Elemental Sages from hypnosis.

Click to expand...

You're experiencing kind of the opposite problem here so far as detail goes. It's mostly an overview, and you suddenly throw in all these names. Don't expect your readers to know or remember all of these, even if they read the first book. It's clutter, for lack of a better word.

Keeping Aemana and Dakar is fine since it's already clear what those are, but I wouldn't name the village or Kenji right now. The former two are still new enough that this is a bit overwhelming. I wouldn't specify the village at all - leaving it at "blasted all the way across Aemana" is sufficient - and naming Kenji doesn't seem important either. I've skimmed your other thread before and Kenji seems to be a character from there (presumably so is Harris), but new readers starting at the sequel won't care what his name is, and returning readers will recognize him.

In addition to this, keeping names and unfamiliar vocabulary to a minimum makes it sound more like an impressive (in-world) old legend, which I think is the effect you're going for.

With all of the Sages free, Dakar’s secret was finally revealed. Kenji became a Rainbow Sage, and, along with Harris, entered Dakar’s castle with the intent to finally best Dakar. He and Harris fought bravely. In the end, after a long and valiant battle, Kenji dealt the final blow to Lord Dakar, causing his body to completely dissipate, and leaving all of the Darkness seemingly extinguished and nonexistent. Kenji’s wand is currently held in the Temple of the Elements in Aquapolis, a dear memento of what a true hero is.

Click to expand...

You've placed another unfamiliar term here - "Rainbow Sage". I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be impressed by that, but it holds no meaning to me. If you feel like it's important to call him that, do, but be aware that while new readers will understand that it's probably a big deal, it won't actually mean much. And if you're aiming at old readers only, you should really reconsider even having this prologue. A bit of a recap is helpful, but I think returning readers would mostly skim this.

I would definitely leave the name of the temple, though, assuming this will be important later. It sounds very much like a hint to a later plot element. If it has no relevance, by all means toss it, but it sounds important.

Many years have passed since then. Many, many years...

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I like this, actually. It ties in nicely with the way you started it, and it puts emphasis on the number of years, which makes sense, again, assuming that's going to be important.

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My advice in general here is to detail the important parts, and undetail the unimportant parts. If Kenji and Harris's names and the name of the village are important, you can easily put them in at a later point, and without overloading the reader with names.

You have a lot of awkward pieces here as well, and I would recommend using shorter, more clipped sentences. When you're going for dramatic (and it does seem like you are), short and to the point is the way to set the mood and draw the reader in. This style tends to have a nice effect in general, too - you want to practice doing this so that you don't ramble.

Also, I'm imagining this as the narration at the beginning of a movie - the kind where the camera pans around the world and highlights things while the narrator talks. The first Pokemon movie is a lighter example of this, for something you're likely familiar with. This isn't necessarily exactly what anyone else imagines, but if that's similar to the effect you're going for, great. If you want something entirely different (such as comedy), then you'll need to rethink some things.

You should consider reading Malice by Chris Wooding. It's a blend of visual and literary elements; you seem really interested in showing your readers what characters look like, and this might be a style you're interested in trying out. It's also a really good book!

Your story has character, and a lot of potential if you keep working on it. Don't give up!

It sort of is. The thing is, the prologue to this story is a brief summary of what happened before and during the prequel. But I see what you mean, and even now am starting to understand how to change it up a bit. Thank you!