The Cave of Dragonflies forums

Go Back   The Cave of Dragonflies forums > Non-Pokémon > Miscellaneous Discussion


Thread Tools
Old 04-13-2014, 01:23 AM
Hiikaru's Avatar
Hiikaru Hiikaru is offline
Join Date: October 28, 2009
Posts: 445
Pronoun: vi/vir/vim; they
Hiikaru is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Emotional Needs

So, according to Willard F. Harley (this marriage counsellor guy), every person has something that Harley calls a "love bank". When you make "deposits" in someone's love bank (like complimenting them, hugging them, giving them cookies, whatever), they love you more. You can also make withdrawals (yelling, ignoring them) and then they love you less.

Then the idea is that there are ten major emotional needs, and that people typically have around five that make the highest "deposits" into their love banks. Here's the list:

emotional needs
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment

They're all what they sound like, but here is the page you can visit for more details. (Note: Site assumes all couples are cishet, and there's some sexism.) Basically, for each need, if you feel bad when a certain person doesn't fulfill it, then that's one of your emotional needs. For instance, if one of your emotional needs is affection, then you might be sad that your partner doesn't hug you enough, or that they never give you flowers. Or if one of your needs is conversation, you might get really frustrated with people who don't talk much, or when someone doesn't seem to be listening to you. You could also tell by how you act. Like if you get really excited to watch your favourite tv show with someone you care about, one of your emotional needs is probably recreational companionship.

These can apply to friends, too, of course. I think the idea is that someone who fulfills a couple of your needs could be a good friend to you, and then life partners are supposed to fulfill all your needs. Also if someone is particularly good at fulfilling some of your emotional needs, you might get a crush on them or fall in love with them (if they make enough deposits in your love bank). Or you might fall out of love with someone who isn't doing this.

My highest one is (totally shockingly) conversation, which is why I talk so much. Would you add anything else to the list, or remove something? Do you think liking people actually works like this?

I think it's an interesting way to think about relationships, so maybe some other people will like this concept.

Reply With Quote
Old 04-13-2014, 03:25 AM
Butterfree's Avatar
Butterfree Butterfree is online now
Still loves Joltik, though!
Join Date: June 22, 2008
Location: Iceland
Age: 29
Posts: 2,494
Pronoun: she
Butterfree is on a distinguished road
Send a message via MSN to Butterfree
Default Re: Emotional Needs

I don't really like the description of love as like a balance in a bank account - to me it seems uncomfortably close to the idea that if you do X and Y for somebody they owe you love for it.

But the general idea that different people have different emotional needs and they tend to be attracted (romantically or platonically) to people who fulfill those needs for them somehow seems sound. Personally, my primary emotional needs off that list would definitely be Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, Affection and Conversation, and they describe pretty well what I want to get out of my relationships (Shadey provides all of them and it is wonderful).
Butterfree's Current Obsession
Ace Attorney, a series of visual novels about lawyers that I will never stop adoring.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2014, 12:30 AM
Oliver's Avatar
Oliver Oliver is offline
I come here occasionally.
Join Date: December 24, 2012
Location: New York
Age: 20
Posts: 32
Pronoun: he
Oliver is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Emotional Needs

By this logic, life is a Harvest Moon game and we all live in it. This also manages to forget other types of relationships; such as friendship, familial relations, relations between people passing each other on the street, etc. By this logic, you could end up with several possible spouses that you're equal in love with ranging from the person three blocks down to one of or both of your parents(so long as they meet all of your "love bank" requirements and have enough... er... money[?] stored up).

This "love bank" also manage to categorize the emotional needs of people into ten boxes, while not going about to define those boxes. For example, by conversation, is it meant that scintillating debate on the topic of emotional needs is most often required, or that mere small talk is simple enough?

I think that there was some sort of good intention behind this, but it just doesn't go anywhere well simply because it narrows down the complexity of human emotional needs to ten shiny boxes.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:12 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Pokémon, Pikachu and all other Pokémon characters © Nintendo, Game Freak and Creatures Inc. The Cave of Dragonflies, content, styles, etc. © Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis.
Forum now hosted by Eevee's HQ.