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  #101  
Old 08-06-2010, 06:05 PM
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Butterfree Butterfree is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - one part left!) (Playable!)

Um, I appreciate it and all, but please don't try to argue in my favor with "SHE'S FUCKING RIGHT BECAUSE SHE'S THE FUCKING ADMIN WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE". Appeal to authority (or profanity, or your personal opinion of the quality of my own work) is not an argument. I agree that I'm right here, but please don't tell me you actually feel that whether I'm the admin or not has any bearing on whether I'm right.
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  #102  
Old 08-07-2010, 12:02 AM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - one part left!) (Playable!)

Your comments have made it very clear to me that part four is a complete mess. I rushed it, and the holes that resulted are so big that you could get a Wailord to swim through them.

This is unacceptable to me. I refuse to allow any of my work to stand as half-baked, and I do not desire a story where the flaws get in the way of the message.

I have made my decision: I am throwing out EVERYTHING that I have written so far for part five, and much of (including virtually everything surrounding Skye in) part four will be scrapped and/or rewritten - if I don't scrap the part completely and start over. For the time being, the current version of part four will remain on this thread, so that new readers will know what's going on.

I intended to post this decision this morning, immediately after Butterfree's criticism post, but a church event I was helping with got in the way; as a result, an argument formed (again), and this time a user was banned. I claim all responsibility for this misfortune (regardless of whether it's for the best that the user is banned).

Turning my attention to the argument in question, I wish to express a few thoughts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marbychu
Yeah, Butterfree, just stop it okay? You're just jealous that you couldn't write something this good.
(Yes, I understand I'm responding to a now-banned user that some fear is a troll. This is therefore for the benefit of everyone else, as well as marbychu if he continues to read as a guest.)

Jealous my ass. First and foremost, I will not tolerate that kind of libel on my behalf. Butterfree is definitely a capable writer in her own right, with what appears to be an astounding grasp of plot structure and characterization (among other things), based on skimmings of her fiction and reading her feedback.

Few people have adequately explained to me what about this fic they think is "good". Let me be the first to admit that I do not think that this is a fantastic fan fic. It's in script format. The characters are inconsistent at times. I rely too much on music to set the mood. These are not qualities of good writing.

And hey, the ONLY EDITOR of the TV Tropes page is ME. Nobody else will touch it; this tells me that other tropers want nothing to do with the fic; surely they have a good reason.

So why do I do this? Because it's fun, and it can still appeal to people who enjoy this sort of thing. I enjoy it, and once in a blue moon I write a part that suddenly puts sand in my eyes. This fic exists because I want it; I post it here to (a) share it with you all, and give you the chance to "play the game"; and (b) ask for criticism on both the fic and my writing.

So, I think that's that in a nutshell. Let's move on.

The admin argument is just silly. Whether they're right or wrong, my policy is to respect admins and treat them like the leaders they are. If I disagree with them, the last thing I want to tell them is to "STFU". It is an arrogant, unintelligent, and undignified way of dealing with a person (admin or not!), as it is but an attempted insult to the ego.

If Butterfree somehow was demoted to (or never was anything but) a normal user, I believe I would accept her criticism the same way I am now; which is to say, I believe she is right. Her points all stand as valid, in my opinion, and I am not about to shoot her down just so I can continue with part 5 like nothing ever happened, with the illusion that part four is "awesome" as-is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by marbychu
Yeah, those things suck.
How do you know? Have you read them? Skimmed them? Opened the thread at all? (rhetorical question)

Quote:
Originally Posted by marbychu
Strife, please continue. And don't let Butterjerk get in your way.
Continue I will, in the form of going back and fixing things first. Name calling does nothing to assist with this decision; it instead makes me angrier at you. I hold that it is an immature tactic.



I am appalled at the direction this thread has taken over the course of the day, and I am very disappointed (who in, I will leave for you to decide). I can only hope that this sort of thing never happens again.


Now then, if I may be excused, I have a fic to fix.

Last thing: for those unaware, I am spending time in the IRC channel now (irc.veekun.com/6667, #tcod). Drop in if you haven't already, I might be there.

Suggestions ARE welcome, and any I use will be given credit on the first post. :)

Last edited by Strife89; 08-07-2010 at 02:28 AM. Reason: Added a link.
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  #103  
Old 08-08-2010, 08:43 PM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Teaser time. I think I finally know what I want to write; now all I have to do is write it.

Here's you a recap of the opening sequence of Part 4, with a completely changed Heard Anything? Talk segment, and a different piece of music.

----------------------------------------

[ 2:30 PM – July 26th, 2017 ]
[ Detention Center ]

Skye: Brendan ….. you were brilliant in there.
Skye: I never thought to look at those papers, and there you went, proving what they said.
Brendan: Yeah, well, it's not over yet. We still need to prove you didn't actually do it.
Skye: Very true ….
Brendan: But Blue …. That was stupid of him, basing his whole case around that single incident.
Brendan: I haven't been a lawyer for three weeks and I can see that! There's no way he's been prosecuting for as long as he says ….
Skye: … Maybe he knows something we don't yet?
Brendan: I don't see how. He had almost zero time to investigate.
Skye: You saw him, though. He's the bullying type. He probably pushed the police department onto his side.
Brendan: Maybe so.
Brendan: Anyway, we need to work on solving this thing, and soon.

(Music: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Red Rescue Team – The Legend of Ninetales)
Options: Talk, Move
Talk: What to Do, Heard Anything?, Any Ideas?
Move: Slooth's Office, Goldenrod City – Downtown, Brendan's House – Outside

Talk: What to Do
Brendan: Truth be told, I don't really know what to do first. I don't suppose you'd know?
Skye: Well ….. I'd go check out the house again.
Brendan: I scoured the place a pretty good bit this morning. Felt weird, having to pick apart my own home.
Syke: Yeah, I figured. But you know, I was thinking.
Brendan: What about?
Skye: Just because no human saw it doesn't mean that there are no witnesses.
Brendan: …. Ah! I'd better go and check! If the cops find one, they'll take him in for questioning!
Skye: Hey, don't have a heart attack! None of the police have translators like you do. They can't afford 'em.
Brendan: (They're not THAT expensive ….. how much funding does the police department GET?)

Talk: Heard Anything?
Skye: I haven't discovered any new information this morning. Same old stuff running around in the cops' heads …. when their coffee break is, what the trial was about, donuts ….
Brendan: …. So, a bunch of fluff, then. Where are their heads this morning?
Skye: Can't say I blame them; they've been up ever since I came in to report … everything. I think one of them knew …. knew her.
Brendan: ….
Skye: S-Sorry! Sorry. I'll try not to talk about it, okay …. ?
Brendan: … It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Skye: You know perfectly well that it's not ….
Brendan: ….
Skye: Brendan …. Her death shocked us all. But you can't mope about this, pretend it's not hurting, whether it's for my sake or you own.
Skye: I'm not the Ralts you used to know. I want to help you.
Skye: But as long as I'm in here, there's not a lot I can do. They've got an Arena Trap set, you know ….
Brendan: …. So what can you do?
Skye: Collect what you can. Get people to come near here; I can check what's on their mind.
Skye: Whatever you do, please, don't give up; the way we never gave up for you.
Brendan: ….... You have my word, Skye.
Brendan: (We'll find out who did this. I promise them both.) I just have one more thing I want to ask you, okay?
Skye: Ask away.

Talk: Any ideas?
Brendan: Truth be told, I'm not sure where I should start. Care to make a suggestion?
Skye: Hmmm …. Well, what about the docks? If the killer wanted …. you-know-who, they would have gone to Littleroot, right?
Brendan: Good point … so they knew, somehow, that she was coming here, or else found out really quickly.
Skye: Exactly. So I'd check the docks, in case the person came from overseas. Maybe they've seen someone suspicious.
Skye: And after that …. Well, I'd go around town and skim over the house again. Maybe you missed something; the police went there a little while ago.
Brendan: … Jeez, Skye. We should swap places …. You could probably finish this in half of however long I take …
Skye: Thanks, Brendan. I'd help you if I could … I want to get to the bottom of this more than anything, suspect or not.

<When Brendan begins to leave:>

Skye: Hey, um, Brendan?
Brendan: ?
Skye: You know that red trinket we found the other day? Something seems off about it.
Brendan: (I don't notice anything funny …) Alright, I'll have the cops check it out for now.
Brendan: Anyway, I'm off.
Skye: … Brendan? Thanks again.
Brendan: … You're welcome.

--------------------------

How is it? Too preachy? Does it seem out-of-character? Etc., etc., etc.

EDIT: Completed the scene.

Rest assured I'll get this thing moving again! :)

Last edited by Strife89; 08-08-2010 at 09:08 PM. Reason: Added the rest of the scene.
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  #104  
Old 08-08-2010, 09:09 PM
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Butterfree Butterfree is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Yeah, sorry about derailing your thread. Probably shouldn't have replied to him.

So far the edits look good; I like that you're adding more focus to Brendan's emotional reaction to his mother's death, and Arena Trap is a nice solution to the Teleport problem. I also enjoyed Skye casually mentioning what was going on in the cops' heads and the plan to bring people close to the cell so she can read them. Good luck editing, and I hope when you're done you'll be glad to have done it. (I'd hate to have made you feel like you've wasted your time.)
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  #105  
Old 08-08-2010, 10:43 PM
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Strife89 Strife89 is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
Yeah, sorry about derailing your thread. Probably shouldn't have replied to him.
I'm upset over the whole mess, but I'm not about to pin the blame on anyone - except, perhaps, myself; I doubt marbychu would have made that insult in the first place if I had declared my decision to try again sooner. Come to think of it, perhaps I owe you an apology for that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
So far the edits look good; I like that you're adding more focus to Brendan's emotional reaction to his mother's death,
I'm glad that you seem to like it, because I have always had trouble with writing character reactions to the death of a family member. I think it's because I usually go overboard with the weepy, emotional stuff.

By no means is this due to lack of deaths in my own family. My mom and dad have been gone for a good five years now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
and Arena Trap is a nice solution to the Teleport problem. I also enjoyed Skye casually mentioning what was going on in the cops' heads and the plan to bring people close to the cell so she can read them.
Guess the contents of the teaser alone are setting up for a massive shape-up. :) I think I'm going to leave in a LOT of scenes, but the one ones that NEED changing WILL be changed; namely, almost every scene in this part that involves interaction with Skye.

Glad you like the Arena Trap bit. :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
Good luck editing, and I hope when you're done you'll be glad to have done it. (I'd hate to have made you feel like you've wasted your time.)
I'm feeling good about this rewrite so far, but I think that sometimes even professional writers make catastrophically flawed segments, and they may never notice until a peer (or anyone, really) points it out. Just gotta roll with the punches, you know?

Fun fact: Watch my Last.fm profile's track history. You might see hints about which part I'm working on, based on just the track name and how many times it was looped. ;) (Note that the Recently Played Tracks thing in my signature is merely a GIF on the Last.fm servers, and is not always up-to-the-minute by any means.)

Last edited by Strife89; 08-08-2010 at 10:54 PM.
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  #106  
Old 08-09-2010, 12:47 AM
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Karkat Vantas Karkat Vantas is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

How do you intend to make the revelation that Mars is the killer less obvious? Showing that she owns a Purugly could help...
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  #107  
Old 08-10-2010, 09:18 PM
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Strife89 Strife89 is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Here is (most) of Part 4. I inserted an interactive question for a little fun. :)

Some scenes are completely unchanged, but please don't skim over any of the text, lest you miss an important detail. :)

------------------------------------

Case 2, Part 4
Day 2 - Investigation 3

[ 2:30 PM – July 26th, 2017 ]
[ Detention Center ]

Skye: Brendan ….. you were brilliant in there.
Skye: I never thought to look at those papers, and there you went, proving what they said.
Brendan: Yeah, well, it's not over yet. We still need to prove you didn't actually do it.
Skye: Very true ….
Brendan: But Blue …. That was stupid of him, basing his whole case around that single incident.
Brendan: I haven't been a lawyer for three weeks and I can see that! There's no way he's been prosecuting for as long as he says ….
Skye: … Maybe he knows something we don't yet?
Brendan: I don't see how. He had almost zero time to investigate.
Skye: You saw him, though. He's the bullying type. He probably pushed the police department onto his side.
Brendan: Maybe so.
Brendan: Anyway, we need to work on solving this thing, and soon.

(Music: Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: Red Rescue Team – The Legend of Ninetales)
Options: Talk, Move
Talk: What to Do, Heard Anything?, Any Ideas?
Move: Slooth's Office, Goldenrod City – Downtown, Brendan's House – Outside

Talk: What to Do
Brendan: Truth be told, I don't really know what to do first. I don't suppose you'd know?
Skye: Well ….. I'd go check out the house again.
Brendan: I scoured the place a pretty good bit this morning. Felt weird, having to pick apart my own home.
Skye: Yeah, I figured. But you know, I was thinking.
Brendan: What about?
Skye: Just because no human saw it doesn't mean that there are no witnesses.
Brendan: …. Ah! I'd better go and check! If the cops find one, they'll take him in for questioning!
Skye: Hey, don't have a heart attack! None of the police have translators like you do. They can't afford 'em.
Brendan: (They're not THAT expensive ….. how much funding does the police department GET?)

Talk: Heard Anything?
Skye: I haven't discovered any new information this morning. Same old stuff running around in the cops' heads …. when their coffee break is, what the trial was about, donuts ….
Brendan: …. So, a bunch of fluff, then. Where are their heads this morning?
Skye: Can't say I blame them; they've been up ever since I came in to report … everything. I think one of them knew …. knew her.
Brendan: ….
Skye: S-Sorry! Sorry. I'll try not to talk about it, okay …. ?
Brendan: … It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Skye: You know perfectly well that it's not ….
Brendan: ….
Skye: Brendan …. Her death shocked us all. But you can't mope about this, pretend it's not hurting, whether it's for my sake or you own.
Skye: I'm not the Ralts you used to know. I want to help you.
Skye: But as long as I'm in here, there's not a lot I can do. They've got an Arena Trap set, you know ….
Brendan: …. So what can you do?
Skye: Collect what you can. Get people to come near here; I can check what's on their mind.
Skye: Whatever you do, please, don't give up; the way we never gave up for you.
Brendan: ….... You have my word, Skye.
Brendan: (We'll find out who did this. I promise them both.) I just have one more thing I want to ask you, okay?
Skye: Ask away.

Talk: Any ideas?
Brendan: Truth be told, I'm not sure where I should start. Care to make a suggestion?
Skye: Hmmm …. Well, what about the docks? If the killer wanted …. you-know-who, they would have gone to Littleroot, right?
Brendan: Good point … so they knew, somehow, that she was coming here, or else found out really quickly.
Skye: Exactly. So I'd check the docks, in case the person came from overseas. Maybe they've seen someone suspicious.
Skye: And after that …. Well, I'd go around town and skim over the house again. Maybe you missed something; the police went there a little while ago.
Brendan: … Jeez, Skye. We should swap places …. You could probably finish this in half of however long I take …
Skye: Thanks, Brendan. I'd help you if I could … I want to get to the bottom of this more than anything, suspect or not.

<When Brendan begins to leave:>

Skye: Hey, um, Brendan?
Brendan: ?
Skye: You know that red trinket we found the other day? Something seems off about it.
Brendan: (I don't notice anything funny …) Alright, I'll have the cops check it out for now.
Brendan: Anyway, I'm off.
Skye: Good luck!

Move: Brendan's House – Outside
(Music stops.)

Brendan: I half-expected the police to be gone by now … You'd think it was a pretty cut-and-dry murder scene …...
Brendan: … Wait, bad choice of words.
???: Aha! There you are, Brendan!
Brendan: Detective Slooth?
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dick Gumshoe ~ It's Detective Gumshoe)
Slooth: You know that request for fingerprints you made this morning? Well, we have our result--
Brendan: You do?! That's great! What did you find? Whose fingerprints were they?
Slooth: Well ….. that's the thing. None of the fingerprints match any in our database!
Brendan: W- ….WHAT?!
Slooth: It's the strangest thing, pal! We get a lot of visitors to this area, so we try to get prints on any new travelers on the boats ….
Brendan: But nothing matched at all? That is … pretty weird.

[Fingerprint Info added to the Court Record.]

Fingerprint Info: There were out-of-place fingerprints on my windows, but none of them matched any Johto records.

Brendan: Thanks anyway, Detective. I've got a few other questions I'd like to ask you. ….

Options: Talk, Move
Talk: Prints (Other Regions), What else have you found?
Move: Detention Center, Goldenrod City Downtown, Brendan's House – Back Side

Talk: Prints
Brendan: Detective Slooth, perhaps you could run a check on these prints against other regions' databases?
Slooth: Of course we CAN, Brendan, but it'll take a long time. And if there's no match in the other regions, we might have to search the world over, and there's no time for that.
Brendan: Please, Detective. Can you at least try?
Slooth: I suppose, pal, but I really don't know where to start.
Brendan: Kanto, then. It's the closest, and you don't need a ship to get here. After that, Hoenn, 'cause Mom traveled from there.
Sooth: Will do, pal. I'll get on it right away, unless you've got something else you want to ask.
Brendan: … Yeah, one more thing and I'll be done with 'ya.

Talk: Trinket
Brendan: … Detective Slooth, could you take a look at this trinket? I found it recently ….
Slooth: This little thing? Looks like a ruby if you ask me.
Brendan: Yeah, I know, but …. Skye found it in Ekruteak and its been bugging us.
Slooth: … I'm willing to look at it, but …. Do you even think it's related to the case?
Brendan: Only one way to find out, sir. Give it the full treatment.
Slooth: …. I have confidence in Skye's and your intuition, you know. So, I'll take a look.

[Trinket given to Detective Slooth.]
Brendan: Much appreciated, Detective.
Slooth: No trouble at all, Brendan!

<All Subjects Discussed>

Slooth: Well, I guess I need to go work on those prints and that ruby. I'll call you if I find anything that might be useful.
Slooth: Oh, and uh, I saw a Pokémon at the back. You should go check it out, I bet you can talk to it with your Pokégear.
Brendan: We'll see. Thanks for letting me know.
Slooth: Anytime, pal. See you later!
(Music fades.)
Brendan: (You gotta love Slooth. Always looking out for us.)
Brendan: (And I still bet that Blue's got the whole department on his side …. which would mean that Slooth can't let anyone know he's told me this stuff, lest he get a good talking to from the Chief of Police … or worse.)
Brendan: (Anyway, a Pokémon at the back? This might be interesting.)

Move: Brendan's House – Back Side
(No music.)

Brendan: (The back of my house …. It's not really in great condition.)
Brendan: (Despite the urban concrete layout, there's a lot of grass poking through the cracks. It's trying to get tall. And it's doing a good job of it.)
Brendan: (Maybe I'll get Whitney's Miltank to graze on this stuff?)
???: Um ….. heeeeello?
Brendan: Gahhhh! (Who was that? Where'd that voice come from?!)
???: Aaaare …. aaree yeww the Breendeen whoo leeves heere?
Brendan: (Stay calm ….) Yes, I am. Where are you?
???: Dowwn heere.
Brendan: (…. He's ….. he's a)
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All - Congratulations Again, Everyone)
Spinarak: Hii theere. II'm ameezed youu can undeerstaand mee.
Brendan: (So am I! Can't you fix your accent?)
Spinarak: Iee saww what happeened yeesterday. Iee'm guesseeng eet must bee hard.
Brendan: (Who are you, Peter Lorre?) Yeah … it is. But I have to keep looking around, searching for clues. Someone was wrongly accused of the murder.
Spinarak: Ees thaat so? Iee theenk Iee saww who eet was.
Brendan: ! Y-You did?! Please, tell me everything you know!

Options: Talk, Move
Talk: Whodunit
Move: Brendan's House – Outside

Talk: Whodunit
Brendan: Please, little guy, tell me everything you saw.
Spinarak: Eet was a peerson weeth lots of reed haier.
Brendan: Red hair? (Hmmmm.) Did you notice anything else?
Spinarak: Eerrrrrr ….. I theenk thee peerson had a larrge bleu-lookeeng Pokeemon.
Spinarak: Iee theenk there was alsso a beeg cat.
Brendan: (A large, blue Pokémon and a big cat? I'd better make some notes ….)

[Spinarak's Testimony added to the Court Record.]

Spinarak's Testimony: The intruder had a mass of red hair, and was followed by a large, blue-ish Pokémon and a large cat (also a Pokémon?).

Brendan: Thanks.
Spinarak: Ees no probleem.
Brendan: (Short but very informative …. I at least have an idea of who to be looking for.)
Brendan: (Guess I should hit town now …. there's nothing else to find here.)
Brendan: (Hold on, Mom. We'll avenge you yet.)

Move: Brendan's House – Outside

Move: Goldenrod City – Downtown
(No music.)

Brendan: Here I am again …. smack in the middle of Goldenrod City.
Brendan: Only this time …. I'm on a murder case.
Brendan: There's no telling who or what I'll find that might help ….
???: ….
Brendan: …. ! That guy that just walked past …..
Brendan: He has red hair! And a large blue Pokémon walking with him!
Brendan: Y-You there! Stop!
???: !
Brendan: Stay right there …. I need to speak with you.
???: … Okay, but make it quick. I was heading back to the hotel …
Brendan: Su- … Sure.

(Music: Pokémon HeartGold/SoulSilver - Route 38)
Options: Talk, Move
Talk: Who are you?
Move: Detention Center, Brendan's House – Outside, Goldenrod Docks, Goldenrod Hotel

Talk: Who are you?
Brendan: Pardon me asking, but …. who are you, exactly?
???: …. You don't know me? I thought he told practically everyone about that one time ….
???: …. Wait, are you from around here?
Brendan: I moved here from Hoenn four years ago, to study law.
???: … I see. Let us introduce each other, then. I am known as Silver.
Silver: My friend here is Feraligatr. We go way back.
Brendan: I see. I'm Brendan. Brendan Namron.
Brendan: Usually I keep Skye and Phoenix beside me, but …
Silver: …. I see. You're not close enough to them yet.
Brendan No! It's …. well, Skye's in prison, and Phoenix needs some time alone ….
Silver: And why is that? They are your Pokémon, yes?
Brendan: …. Someone murdered my mother last night. And now Skye's in prison.
Silver: !
Feraligatr: !
Brendan: …. And now it's my turn to protect her. No matter what it takes.
Silver: …... I understand. Please accept my apologies …. I had the wrong impression of you for a minute there.
Brendan: No trouble … Anyway, I'm conducting my own little investigation.
Brendan: (This probably isn't the best approach, but …) A witness to the crime told me that whoever broke into my house had red hair and a large blue companion.
Silver: !
Brendan: Tell me …. Do you know anything about this?
Silver: …. I know nothing. I understand why you would suspect me, but I assure you, I have never been involved in such a crime.
Brendan: (I'll have to take his word for it for now …. his reaction was unreadable.) Please excuse my suspicions, but it's the only thing I can really do …. question everyone.
Silver: ….
Brendan: (… Wow, this guy knows how to keep a poker face. I can't make heads or tails of his responses.)
Brendan: (He said he was heading back to the hotel? Even if he is innocent, maybe he saw someone ….)

Talk: *Who are you?, The Murder, Hotel Incident

Talk: The Murder
Brendan: Silver, if you have the time, I think it might help the both of us if I told you about the crime …
Silver: …. You have my attention.
Brendan: Thanks. …. Last night, a little after midnight, my mom was murdered by someone, someone who I think broke into my house.
Brendan: The murder weapon was a knife that Skye was examining for the Goldenrod forensics team. It was taken from her room and had only her fingerprints on it.
Silver: … I see. You evidently trust this Skye a lot. … What species is she, may I ask?
Brendan: She's a Kirlia. Phoenix is a Torchic.
Silver: Ah. Continue, then.
Brendan: In addition to the knife, unknown fingerprints were found on my windows, and my locks have been tampered with.
Brendan: That's the gist of it so far.
Silver: …. “Unknown fingerprints,” you say? They couldn't be traced to anyone?
Brendan: So it seems. They didn't match anyone in the police department's Johto database.
Silver: … You may ease your mind about me, then.
Brendan: ?
Silver: I have lived in Johto for most of my life, and I can assure you that my prints are in the database.
Brendan: …. (Guess I'd better go see for myself.)

Talk: Hotel Incident
Brendan: Silver, you're staying at the Goldenrod Shoreline Hotel, correct?
Sliver: Indeed, I am. Why do you ask?
Brendan: Well …. it seems that someone broke in to room thirteen yesterday at around 5:30. Did you happen to notice anything?
Silver: ….. I remember an interesting red-head with a Pokémon I have never seen before, but that's it. They were walking around the back of the hotel in an odd manner.
Brendan: (That most likely means he saw the intruder … If he's telling the truth.)

<All Subjects Discussed>

Brendan: Thanks for your time, Silver.
Silver: It was no trouble. If you have any further questions for me, Gator and I will be at the hotel.
Brendan: I'll be sure to drop by. Take care!
Brendan: (Annnnnnnnnd they're gone.)
Brendan: (…. He's lived in Johto most of his life? Why is he staying at a hotel?)
Brendan: (Bah, I'll worry about it later. I need to gather more information, and fast.)

Move: Goldenrod Docks
(No music.)

Brendan: Hmph …. The docks are pretty empty today. All I can hear are the sounds of the sea.
Brendan: Two or three private boats are tied up, maybe a small public one, but aside from that …. not a soul to be found.
Brendan: …. Sure feels lonely here.

(Music: Final Fantasy VIII – Where I Belong)
Options: Examine, Move
Examine: Ship, Docks, Sea
Move: Goldenrod City – Downtown, Goldenrod Hotel

Examine: Sea
Brendan: I used to sail on the sea quite a lot with Mimi and the crew …. What a Milotic she was … Always ready to do whatever I asked of her ….. All of them were, really.
Brendan: I remember staring at the sea for a while with Skye and Phoenix, before we left Lilycove for the last time ….
Brendan: What I wouldn't give for more peaceful days like that …..

Examine: Docks
Brendan: These docks tried hard to blend into the rest of Goldenrod, but the older, wooden ones are losing their paint fast. They didn't even bother painting some of the newer ones at all, not even the hand rails.
Brendan: …. You know, I still think of Slateport when I look at these. Good ol' Captain Stern, the Hyper Rank Contests, the marketplace ….
Brendan: …. Did …. did Mom even get to see any of it? …. *sniff*

Examine: Ship
Brendan: I traveled to Hoenn on a ship like this, and I came back here on a fancier one ….
Brendan: I remember the ship that sailed between Slateport and Lilycove, and how it took us to the Battle Frontier for the first time. We were all really excited, and I barely even thought about whether Mom would get a kick out of it …..
Brendan: Guess I'll never know now ….

Move: Detention Center
[ 3:40 PM – July 26th, 2017 ]
[ Detention Center ]
(Music: Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth - Investigation ~ Contradiction at the Crime Scene)

Brendan: Hey there, Skye. You doing okay?
Skye: Hanging in there. Have you found anything?
Brendan: Fairly little. I know the killer had –
Skye: Red hair, a big blue Pokémon, and a cat. You learned it from a Spinarak, right?
Brendan: … Y-Yeah. Not really much to go on.
Skye: And you met some guy called Silver, right? Not your usual name, that's for sure.
Brendan: Indeed. And he had a …. what was it called?
Skye: Feraligatr?
Brendan: Yeah, that's the name. Really tall, blue Pokémon. No sign of a cat, though. He says he's lived in Johto most of his life, and that his fingerprints are here; so he supposedly can't have been the killer.
Skye: Fingerprints ….
Brendan: (She's really scanning my brain now; I can feel it …)
Brendan: (It still feels weird every now and then; like there's something thumbing through my mental files, looking for the right document to open ….)
Skye: Mmmhmm …. So you learned that there were prints on the windows and that noone in the Johto records made them?
Brendan: …. I still say you would be better as the lawyer. (It feels like she knows more than me!)
Skye: Well, I'm imprisoned right now, so …. Anyway! What about that trinket? You gave it to Slooth?
Brendan: Yeah. He thought it looked like a ruby or something.
Skye: Huh. … Anyway, so you visited the docks, right?
Brendan: Yeah, but no one was there. Three private boats were docked, I think, nothing more.
Skye: …. It's unusual, but it's happened before. So say the police, anyway.
Skye: Maybe someone will be there if you go by later. If you can, walk 'em near this place and I'll see if they know what's up.
Brendan: I'll try. In the meantime, I was heading for Slooth's office. Gonna see if Silver's telling the truth.
Skye: Let's hope so. See ya.
Brendan: (It's all well-and-good if Silver isn't lying … but then, if it's not him, then who is the murderer?)

Auto-Move: Slooth's Office

[ 3:47 PM – July 26th, 2017 ]
[ Detective Slooth's Office ]
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dick Gumshoe ~ It's Detective Gumshoe)

Slooth: Woah, pal! Didn't expect you to drop by so soon!
Brendan: Yeah, I didn't think you would …. I'm not finding much that's solid.
Brendan: Listen, have you gotten a match yet on those prints?
Slooth: What? Have some patience, pal! It takes time to search through a remote database!
Slooth: …. But, we don't have anything from Kanto so far. It's not looking like the killer's from there.
Brendan: Alright, that's one place down .... Detective, when you get done with them, could you check the database for this guy called Silver?
Slooth: Silver?
Brendan: Yeah. Red hair, partnered with a Feraligatr.
Slooth: Oh, HIM! No need to worry, pal! We've got his prints. He's lived in Johto for a long time.
Slooth: He used to have a crime record a long time ago, but he's long over that. I'll bet my badge he's not involved in this case.
Brendan: (Guess that rules him out after all.) Fair enough. How about that trinket-thing?
Slooth: That ruby? Almost nothing came up in a preliminary scan. An unideintified fingerprint, that's all.
Brendan: … So we have no idea whose this is?
Slooth: Effectively. So, you need anything else?
Brendan: …. Yeah, I believe there is one more thing that could use a looking at.

Present Cat Hair

Brendan: Detective, would you mind running a test on this on one of the other computers?
Slooth: This hair? No problem, pal! I can have a full examination done on it in four hours!
Brendan: FOUR HOURS?! For a single hair?
Slooth: Hey, these things take time, okay?!
Brendan: Not that long. Didn't Skye run a test on another hair last month? She got results in, what, ten minutes?
Slooth: ….. Well, the server's working overtime right now. All of our office computers are dumb terminals, you see …..
Brendan: …... (You've GOT to be kidding me.) Fine, Detective. Just – please, run this and tell me what you've got when I come back, okay? I'd really appreciate it.
Slooth: …. You have my word, pal. I'll get on this right away.
Slooth: But ….. don't tell Prosecutor Oak I'm doing this …. or anyone else.
Brendan: (…. I knew it.) You can trust me, Detective.

<Brendan turns to leave.>

Slooth: Oh, and Brendan.
Brendan: Yes, Detective?
Slooth: ... They really want you to win this one now. They ... they miss Skye. Say they were wrong about her, that she's the best the force has ever seen.
Brendan: ...
Slooth: Hey! What are you grinning like that for? It's not even you who I was talking about!
Brendan: ! I- er- sorry. I'll be going now.
Slooth: Good luck, Brendan!

Auto-Move: Detention Center
[ 3:58 PM – July 26th, 2017 ]
[ Detention Center ]
(Music: OverclockedRemix - Super Metroid – Lonely Petals by DrumUltimA)

Skye: …. *sniff* So … that's the truth?
Brendan: (Huh? … Of course … She read my mind … and heard what Slooth said right before I left …)
Skye: … After a whole month of ridicule and rejection there … they finally see ….
Skye: All I wanted to do was help them, and it takes imprisonment for them to realize!
Skye: Those … jerks ….
Brendan: (Skye …. Why didn't you ever say anything? What did they even say to you?)
Skye: It wasn't your business. You had enough on your mind already.
Skye: “Look at that psychic … it thinks it's so mighty. It just wants to show us all up!”
Skye: Only when I'm absent do they realize it … how much they liked having me, how much I gave them ….
Skye: They were too blind to look past the surface …. Just because I'm a Pokémon.
Brendan: …. I don't know what to tell you, Skye. But … I've always got time for you and Phoenix.
Brendan: But … you've got to tell me what's going on.
Skye: ….
Brendan: … Look. Don't try to hide your problems just because you think I'm too busy or I won't understand ….
Brendan: When I talked, you listened. Don't forget, we're equals.
Skye: …..
Brendan: ... When this is over, we'll go have a talk with the team about their attitude. Okay?
Skye: …. Thank you, Brendan. *warm smile*
(Music: OverclockedRemix – Metroid Prime 3 Yellow Valkyrie by DarkeSword)
Skye: …. So, about the case … Slooth said it can't have been Silver, right?
Brendan: More or less. And our killer's probably not from Kanto.
Skye: Argh … we're running out of suspects. Isn't there anyone else around here that could fit the ---
Brendan: .. Fit the bill? …. Skye, what's up?
Skye: I think I sensed something …. No, someone, moving quickly through the city.
Brendan: Maybe just someone rushing to catch the train?
Skye: …. No, they're not heading for the train.
Skye: Brendan! Get to downtown at once! This person could be important!
Brendan: Right away!

Move: Goldenrod City – Downtown
[ 4:09 PM – July 26th, 2017 ]
(Music continues.)
Brendan: (Okay, I'm out on the main walkways, and I don't see anyone that sta-- WOAH!)
Brendan: (Who in the world was that that blew past me on that Arcanine?!)
Brendan: (… It was Gary! Where's he off to in such a hurry?)
Brendan: (He just turned …. That's the path to the docks.)
Brendan: (Given that he should be working on the case, maybe I should follow him …. ?)

Auto-Move: Goldenrod Docks
(Music fades out.)
Brendan: *huff* *puff*
Brendan: (It's times like this … when I wish I hadn't released Swellow …) *gasp*
Brendan: (Gary's on one of the docks, and he's talking to some woman. Arcanine's on the concrete nearby … And that woman has a VERY fat cat beside her.)
Brendan: (Why do I have the feeling that none of this bodes well?)

(Music: Final Fantasy VIII – Martial Law)
Blue: You're not going to get away that easily.
???: Watch me.
(WHACK!)
Brendan: (Woah! Gary cut her off with ease.)
Blue: You will listen to me. One way or another, you will not get away.
Blue: I need those papers. They're vital evidence.
???: Sorry, bud. You're not getting them. For the last time, they have nothing to do with this murder.
???: I'm going home. This vacation was horrible.
Blue: Sorry, Melissa, but I can't let you go. Not yet.
Melissa: W-What?
Blue: I not only need those papers … I need your testimony, spoken for the court.
Melissa: N-No way! I have nothing to do with this case, I swear!
Blue: Then you won't mind me questioning you for a while. If you really aren't involved, nothing will come of it, and you can go home worry-free.
Melissa: B-But … It's a complete waste of time! There's nothing that connects me to this case!
Blue: Quite the contrary, Melissa. Those papers you hold connect you, so long as you cling to them.
Melissa: …..
Blue: So, will you agree to partake?
Melissa: ….. Purr, attack this jackal!
Purr: MROWL! Fffffft!
Blue: Is that all you've got? Arcanine, we mean business. Show them.
Melissa: W-Wait! You're challenging me?! I never –
Blue: If that's what it comes to, then yes; I will fight you until you surrender.
Blue: I'll even make you a deal: If I win, you come with me and do as I ask for the next 24 to 48 hours, including giving me those papers. I may even call you as a witness.
Blue: If you win, you board your precious boat and we'll forget this ever happened.
Melissa: And if I refuse?
Blue: Then I will have you arrested, on the charge of obstruction of justice.
Melissa: W-What?! Y-You can't do that! I've got to get home! I have a FAMILY the –
Blue: Don't lie to me. You have no family left.
Melissa: …. Fine. I accept. But …. let's take it away from these docks.
Blue: Fair enough. Let's go.
Brendan: (They're coming towards me …..)
Blue: …. Ah, if it isn't the defense lawyer? Come to eavesdrop on my witness?
Brendan: …...
Blue: Ah, no matter. You didn't hear anything important. Smell ya later, Nimrod.
Brendan: (W-What? Say that again, chump!)
Brendan: (Why …. why is he like this? It's like he's determined to beat me …. )
Brendan: (And who WAS that, anyway? Red hair, some fat cat Pokémon, and she really wanted to leave, and she had some sort of pape--)
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Suspense)
Brendan: (Oh no … N-No way! That person fit most of the description of the murderer!)
Brendan: (She has red hair, a fat cat, she's clearly not from around here ….)
Brendan: (She claimed to be on vacation, too.)
Brendan: (I need to find out more about this Melissa, and fast!)

Move: Goldenrod Hotel
(Music: Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth – Investigation ~ Core 2009)
Brendan: (I'm in the lobby …. there's gotta be someone who can give me information I need.)
Brendan: (That must be the clerk over there.) E-Excuse me, ma'am.
Clerk: Ah, good afternoon, sir. I am Lisa. How may I help you today?
Brendan: Ma'am, I am a defense attorney, and I am looking for information on an individual who I believed stayed at this hotel.
Lisa: Well, sir, if you know the details about this person, I can certainly give you a little information.
Brendan: Her first name is Melissa. She walks around with some fat cat Pokémon.
Lisa: Melissa, you say? Do you know her last name?
Brendan: No, but …. Listen, this is important. Please, isn't there a Melissa in your records that checked in or out recently?
Lisa: ….
Brendan: (Arrrgh! I'm so close! I can feel it! But their policies are getting in the way!)
Lisa: You really need data on her, I take it?
Lisa: I'll tell you what. I think I know who you want, but I can't just talk about her to any stranger, lawyer or not.
Lisa: So I'll give you a chance. If you can show me proof that you know who you're looking for, I'll give you some details.
Brendan: … Thank you. Give me a second, please.
Brendan: (I have very little in the way of concrete evidence, but I think I can still prove it.)
Brendan: (I bet that all I have to do is show her that who I'm looking for isn't from around here!)

COURT RECORD
Evidence
Attorney's Badge: Proof of my current profession. I wear it with a little more pride nowadays.
Pokégear: A really fancy “wristwatch”. Recently upgraded to make it capable of translating Pokémon speech.
Bag: My bag from when I was a Trainer. Has three unused Pokéballs and a Potion in it.
Lilycove Police Headquarters: Hoenn's highest-ranking police group. Has connections with the International Police. My mom, Lily, did off-the-clock research for them.
International Police: Did ongoing investigations on big criminal organizations from at least 2007 to 2008.
Team Galactic: Criminal organization that ran at its peak in 2008. The International Police had an eagle eye on them. In addition to Cyrus as the boss, it had three admins: Jupiter, Saturn, and Charon; all have been arrested.
Skye's Testimony: She absentmindedly handled the knife with a bare hand on the night of the murder.
Altered Locks: Someone apparently picked my normal lock and took out the bolt. How they managed the latter is beyond me.
Bed Prints: Four small paw prints and a larger dent were found in the dirt next to the doorstep. Photo is timestamped at 7:20 AM.
Stabbing Note: There were no marks on the front of Mom's body or clothes to indicate that she was stabbed more than once.
Knife: The murder weapon. Skye was examining it as evidence for another murder. Said to have a bloodstain from a prior murder.
Fingerprint Info: There were out-of-place fingerprints on my windows, but none of them matched any Johto records.
Spinarak's Testimony: The intruder had a mass of red hair, and was followed by a large, blue-ish Pokémon and a large cat (also a Pokémon?).


Present evidence from the Court Record.

----------------

So, how's this revision so far? Was the scene with depressed Skye overdone? Did the plot changes make more sense? Any notable holes left? (I hope not! >.<)

Tell me what you think Brendan shows the clerk. Part four's conclusion is on the way. .... :)

Last edited by Strife89; 08-14-2010 at 08:14 AM. Reason: Fixed an error.
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  #108  
Old 08-10-2010, 11:25 PM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Show Fingerprint info

I quote
Quote:
Fingerprint Info: There were out-of-place fingerprints on my windows, but none of them matched any Johto records.
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Old 08-11-2010, 12:08 AM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pichu Chris View Post
Show Fingerprint info
Brendan: Ma'am, have you heard about the murder last night, and this morning's trial?
Lisa: I … I have heard about it. Just a little.
Brendan: Allow me to explain this, then. These fingerprints were lifted from the windows on my house early this morning.
Brendan: Scans so far have failed to match them to anyone in Johto or Kanto.
Brendan: And it seems very likely that whoever left these prints is the true murderer.
Lisa: S- … So …. that means--
Brendan: Yes, ma'am. The murderer came from an overseas region.
Brendan: And I have reason to believe that this Melissa is that very murderer.
Lisa: …..... I understand. Please hold while I pull up Melissa Surre's records.
Brendan: (…. Wow. That was almost too easy.)
Lisa: ….. Ah, here we are. Ms. Surre checked into the hotel on July 22nd, at about 2:00 PM. She checked out yesterday, at 6:00 PM.
Brendan: I see. Do you know what those Pokémon that she carries are? I know she walks around with a fat cat, and a witness said she carries a large, blue Pokémon.
Lisa: … I do believe I have seen travelers come in with those species before. The fat cat is called a Purugly, native to the Sinnoh region.
Brendan: (“Ugly” is right, that's for sure.)
Lisa: And the big blue one …. I spotted her with it once, when she was heading out for a walk. Looks like a giant, ancient bell; I believe it's called a Bronzong. It's also native to Sinnoh.
Brendan: So a Purugly and a Bronzong are her partners?
Lisa: Yes.
Brendan: … Thank you for your time. I think that's all I need.
Lisa: You're welcome. Please, stop by again anytime you need a cozy place to stay.
Brendan: (Well, they've got friendly staff, at least.)
Brendan: (Time to write some of this down.)

[Hotel Record added to the Court Record.]

Hotel Record: Melissa checked in on July 22nd at 2 PM and checked out on July 25th at 6 PM.

[Melissa Surre's profile added to the Court Record.]

Melissa Surre: Possibly the murderer? Red hair, partners with a Purugly and a Bronzong.

Brendan: (Not much left to this, I think … Melissa's the best suspect I have.)
Brendan: (Let's go see if Slooth's got a result on the prints yet …)

Move: Goldenrod City – Downtown

Move: Detention Center

Move: Slooth's Office
[ 5:12 PM, July 26th, 2017 ]
(No music.)

Brendan: Detective Slooth!
Slooth: Woah! Don't startle me like that, Brendan! What's the rush?
Brendan: I need you to look up a person called Melissa Surre! As quickly as possible!
Slooth: I can look her up now, if you want me to call off the fingerprint search.
Brendan: Do it. The sooner we check this, the better.
Slooth: Alright, stopping the process ….. Any idea which region to look in, or is she from further off?
Brendan: …. Sinnoh. She carries two Pokemon native to the region, so that's probably where she lives.
Slooth: Alright. Searching.
…...........................
..........................................
…...................................................
Slooth: Got her. An exact match.
Brendan: What does it say?
Slooth: Well, its got her fingerprint on record. I can run a quick scan against it.
Brendan: Have it run that with the window prints, then. Anything else?
Slooth: Says here that she has a criminal record.
Brendan: !
Slooth: Let's look at the details ….
Slooth: ….................
Brendan: ….........
Slooth: …....... ! No. No way.
Brendan: What? What is it?
Slooth: Brendan …. you're sure that this person is the murderer?
Brendan: She's my best lead. I'm won't let up unless she proves herself innocent.
Slooth: Glad we agree, then. Come look at this.
….........

(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All – Investigation ~ Core 2002)
Brendan: W-What in the –? (That's a photo of Melissa!)
Slooth: Melissa led a life of crime many years ago; she was a big wheel in Team Galactic.
Brendan: T-Team Galactic?! But that's –!
Slooth: Yup. Not sure how much you know, but … she was one of the four admins, second-in-command to Cyrus, their leader. Jupiter, Saturn, and Charon were all arrested. Noone ever found Melissa …. or, perhaps, I should say “Mars”.
Slooth: The International Police never saw her after that incident on Stark Mountain. Someone claimed that she had quit the team to go find Cyrus, who had vanished himself, Arceus-knows-where.
Slooth: Point is, she vanished off the face of the earth. Went into hiding, probably. Couldn't tell you what for. Looks like she came out into the open, at any rate.
Brendan: …..............
Slooth: That's the, uh …. that's pretty much the whole record. All we need is the fingerprints to match, and ….
Slooth: Just in time. It's a perfect match. Melissa was here.
Brendan: …...........
Slooth: Hey, Brendan. You okay?
Brendan: (So …. that was her all along. That person Blue was talking to …)
Brendan: (But why? Does he know she's the murderer? Is he trying to side with her?)
Brendan: (That low-life …. It's like he'll do whatever it takes to win, whether it's right or wrong …)
Brendan: (But … what about the timing? Why now? Why not sooner when – when Mom was …..)
Brendan: (She's gonna pay. I'll make her pay for everything ….)
Brendan: Blue's gonna bring her to court tomorrow.
Slooth: Wha … ?
Brendan: And when she shows up …. I'm gonna give her the conviction she deserves.
Brendan: No matter what it takes.

TO BE CONTINUED ...

OLD VERSION
Slooth: That's the, uh …. that's pretty much the whole record. All we need is the fingerprints to match, and ….
Slooth: Just in time. It's a perfect match. Melissa was here.
Brendan: …...........
Slooth: Hey, Brendan. You okay?
Brendan: S-She …......... That was h-her ….........
Brendan: And Gary …. he knows, he must know …...........
Brendan: W-Why? Why now? Why couldn't …........ ?
Slooth: Brendan, please, keep it together.
Brendan: S-She killed Mom …. And I never even ---
Brendan: I'm gonna get her for this. S-She killed Mom, framed Skye ….
Brendan: DO YOU HEAR ME, MARS?! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THIS!
Slooth: Brendan! Calm down! We're in no position –
Brendan: Gary knows everything. He'll bring her to the courtroom tomorrow.
Brendan: And when she shows up …. I'm gonna give her the conviction she deserves.
Brendan: No matter what it takes.


----------------------------------

Feedback, please, and I'll move on to writing part 5! :)

Last edited by Strife89; 08-12-2010 at 06:25 PM. Reason: New version of the very last bit.
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  #110  
Old 08-11-2010, 02:58 AM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

I noticed you seem to be switching between using Blue and Gary a lot. As you see to be somewhat based in the games, I would stick to calling him "Blue".
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Old 08-11-2010, 09:54 PM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Nice job. That made a whole lot more sense than the previous version and I also believe it's an improvement story-wise.

One thing I'm wondering about is just how great Skye's psychic range is, since she couldn't read Blue's mind in the courtroom (what with them puzzling over him at the beginning) but then she can sense Blue riding around on his Arcanine somewhere downtown. Or is it just not as far there as it sounds? I guess actual mind-reading would have a much shorter range than just sensing somebody's presence, but it still seems odd for her to be able to pick up that somebody's moving very fast a considerable distance away - one would think she'd at least tune out that sort of information since it's so rarely relevant.

It might make more sense there to have her specifically catch that it's Blue - she'd presumably recognize his general psychic signature and be more likely to take special note of it if she feels him suddenly moving very fast.

Other than that, there's the Blue/Gary confusion Ketsu mentioned and there are some formatting mistakes - one line calls Skye "Syke" and is gray instead of purple, and there's some other line of hers that starts out purple but then becomes white. Might want to take a look at that.

I enjoyed the scene where Skye found out how the police felt about her being missing; specifically, I really liked that instead of the standard "Oh, I'm loved and appreciated after all!" sort of typical happy reaction, she's just angry at them. Her ego even comes out a little. Yay for characters having personalities.

Brendan's freakout at the end was a bit more typical, especially the part where he started shouting; without knowing what it would feel like to have a parent murdered, I can't help but feel that shouting pointlessly out loud in front of somebody you don't know that well (right?) isn't quite the first thing one would think of doing upon finding out who did it. Obviously I'm no authority on the realism of this, but I still feel like a less noisy reaction might be more potent here, especially because I think you generally write better inner monlogue than dialogue (not complaining about the latter, just complimenting the former).

I'd encourage you to at least experiment with doing emotional moments like this as inner monologue and see how it turns out, if nothing else.
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  #112  
Old 08-11-2010, 10:48 PM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Rewrite of Part 4 in progress)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
Nice job. That made a whole lot more sense than the previous version and I also believe it's an improvement story-wise.
\o/ Thank you. :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
One thing I'm wondering about is just how great Skye's psychic range is, since she couldn't read Blue's mind in the courtroom (what with them puzzling over him at the beginning) but then she can sense Blue riding around on his Arcanine somewhere downtown. Or is it just not as far there as it sounds?
It is, in fact, a short distance; but that detail has been confined to a map I sketched and I forgot to make it clear in the text.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
I guess actual mind-reading would have a much shorter range than just sensing somebody's presence, but it still seems odd for her to be able to pick up that somebody's moving very fast a considerable distance away - one would think she'd at least tune out that sort of information since it's so rarely relevant.
Skye really hasn't had much to do, so she was basically scanning around her - not that she picked up much. Blue's sense of urgency, moreso than his sudden speed, was what caused Skye to notice. (Blue, as I'm sure you can tell, really wants to make sure that Mars gets into the courtroom, and she was mere minutes from leaving Johto for good.)

And yeah, I've kinda had that mindset about Skye's abilities; the more energy needed to do it, the shorter the range.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
It might make more sense there to have her specifically catch that it's Blue - she'd presumably recognize his general psychic signature and be more likely to take special note of it if she feels him suddenly moving very fast.
That does, indeed, make more sense. I might try to edit in that detail.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
Other than that, there's the Blue/Gary confusion Ketsu mentioned and there are some formatting mistakes - one line calls Skye "Syke" and is gray instead of purple, and there's some other line of hers that starts out purple but then becomes white. Might want to take a look at that.
The plot says that Blue is just a nickname, albeit one that many use to refer to him. He is, nonetheless, based more on Blue/Green from the video games than is his on Gary Oak of the anime. Still, I'll try to have everyone call him Blue from now on.
As for the formatting errors, I guess I was in too much of a hurry to post this part. I copy/paste all of the text from OpenOffice.org, and then manually reformat ALL of the text to match the .ODT. It's very repetitive. :/
I'll go back and fix what I can find later on.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
I enjoyed the scene where Skye found out how the police felt about her being missing; specifically, I really liked that instead of the standard "Oh, I'm loved and appreciated after all!" sort of typical happy reaction, she's just angry at them. Her ego even comes out a little. Yay for characters having personalities.
I tossed around a lot of ideas for the scene, and I finally decided that Skye needed some conflict of her own, rather than being an "emotionally perfect" companion (something I was infamous for in an old story I wrote years ago). I almost went with the "They really do care ...." line, but it ultimately didn't work.

Side note: Heh, Kirlia's the Emotion Pokémon. ;)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
Brendan's freakout at the end was a bit more typical, especially the part where he started shouting; without knowing what it would feel like to have a parent murdered, I can't help but feel that shouting pointlessly out loud in front of somebody you don't know that well (right?) isn't quite the first thing one would think of doing upon finding out who did it. Obviously I'm no authority on the realism of this, but I still feel like a less noisy reaction might be more potent here, especially because I think you generally write better inner monologue than dialogue (not complaining about the latter, just complimenting the former).

I'd encourage you to at least experiment with doing emotional moments like this as inner monologue and see how it turns out, if nothing else.
I can't really vouch for the realism either. While my own parents are dead, they passed away due to a heart attack (or at least Mom did; Dad's cause of death isn't certain to me), not to murder.

I'll do a little rewrite of Brendan's "realization" bit later on, and see how it works. Expect more inner monologue. :P

Last edited by Strife89; 08-12-2010 at 06:01 PM. Reason: Fixed a spelling error.
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  #113  
Old 08-17-2010, 08:03 AM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Part 5 in progress - final trial of the case!)

Seven days without an update makes me an anxious fellow, so I'm posting the pre-trial bit from part 5 as a teaser.

This scene is setting up for a little something later on. It was VERY difficult to decide on what to put in and how. Nevertheless, shoot down anything that seems inconsistent or out of place. :)

-----------------------------------------------
[ 8:34 AM – July 27th, 2017 ]
[ Goldenrod City Courthouse - Lobby ]
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All – Courtroom Lounge ~ Another Prelude)

Brendan: (Skye's not here yet …. Guess this would be a good time to go over my notes.)
Brendan: (Slooth gave back the cat hair and the trinket yesterday … )
Brendan: (The hair got a match on Purugly, but the trinket didn't turn up anything, so I didn't bring it.)
Brendan: (Let's see … anything else I need to go over? I think I need to update some of my notes …. )

FINAL COURT RECORD:
Evidence
Attorney's Badge: Proof of my current profession. I wear it with a little more pride nowadays.
Pokégear: A really fancy “wristwatch”. Recently upgraded to make it capable of translating Pokémon speech.
Lilycove Police Headquarters: Hoenn's highest-ranking police group. Has connections with the International Police. My mom, Lily, did off-the-clock research for them.
International Police: Did ongoing investigations on big criminal organizations from at least 2007 to 2008.
Team Galactic: Criminal organization that ran at its peak in 2008. The International Police had an eagle eye on them. In addition to Cyrus as the boss, it had three admins: Jupiter, Saturn, and Charon; all have been arrested. Turns out a fourth admin, Mars, escaped.
Skye's Testimony: She absentmindedly handled the knife with a bare hand on the night of the murder.
Altered Locks: Someone apparently picked my normal lock and took out the bolt. How they managed the latter is beyond me.
Bed Prints: Four small paw prints and a larger dent were found in the dirt next to the doorstep. Photo is timestamped at 7:20 AM, taken the morning after the crime.
Cat Hair: A single hair was found on the doorstep, and several more hairs were found on the living room carpet. Turns out it belongs to a Purugly.
Stabbing Note: There were no marks on the front of Mom's body or clothes to indicate that she was stabbed more than once.
Knife: The murder weapon. Skye was examining it as evidence for another murder. Said to have a bloodstain from a prior murder.
Fingerprint Info: There were out-of-place fingerprints on my windows. Perfect match with the prints of Melissa “Mars” Surre.
Spinarak's Testimony: The intruder had a mass of red hair, and was followed by a large, blue-ish Pokémon and a large cat (also a Pokémon?).
Hotel Record: Melissa checked in on July 22nd at 2 PM and checked out on July 25th at 6 PM.

Profiles
Brendan Namron: (AGE: 23) Me, of course. Originally a Trainer in Hoenn, I came back to Johto to study law four years ago.
Lily Namron: (AGE: 45) My mother, and the victim. She and I originally lived in Johto, but we moved to Hoenn in 2007 after my father became a Gym Leader there. Did unofficial research for the Lilycove Police for about a year.
Phoenix: (AGE: 5) My Torchic. Son of a Pokémon I released before I moved back to Johto.
Skye: (AGE: 9) My Kirlia. Joined the forensics team the day I became a lawyer. Daughter of another Pokémon from my training days. Currently my client, accused of the murder of Lily Namron.
Cyrus: A sinister man that wanted to erase the world and remake it his way. After a kid from Sinnoh stopped him, he disappeared. (image silhouetted)
Detective Slooth: (Age: 35) High-ranking detective at the Goldenrod Police Department. Always there for someone in a jam.
Gary Oak: (Age: 27) “Blue” is his nickname. Leader of the Viridian Gym in Kanto. Well-known in that region for his prosecuting skills.
Silver: (Age: 30) A red-haired man who is close to his Feraligatr. Currently staying at the Goldenrod Hotel. Almost certainly not the murderer.
Melissa Surre: Possibly the murderer? Red hair, partners with a Purugly and a Bronzong.


Brendan: …. (Looks like that covers it. Hopefully this is everything I need …. there's a lot of information as it is.)
Brendan: (I'm willing to bet that Blue has some new stuff up his sleeve, though …. I need to keep my wits about me.)
Brendan: ….. (I need a towel. My palms feel like I just pulled them out of a tub.)
Brendan: …...............................
Brendan: (8:55 …. they should be here soon.)
Phoenix: Um, Brendan …. ?
Brendan: Wah! (I forgot Phoenix was even there! He's been in his Pokéball so much lately … )
Phoenix: … You okay? You've been really quiet
Brendan: … Yea-Yeah. I'm fine. Just a tad nervous, that's all. Getting ready for the trial. Eheh.
Brendan: … Umm …. any advice?
Phoenix: Not really
Brendan: (How reassuring.)
Brendan: (Come on, Brendan, you have to focus. It's like preparing to engage the Gym Leader …)
Brendan: (We had everything we needed – our confidence, our determination, our forty-three Potions ….)
Brendan: (And our focus. Our sights set on the goal. We knew what we needed to do.)
Brendan: (…. I know what I need to do. Fight off Blue's evidence, and pin Melissa down.)
Brendan: (In the courtroom, she's just another opponent, like Blue is …. right?)
*click* *creeeeeeak*
Baliff: Mr. Namron! Your client will see you.

Skye: Morning, Brendan, Phoenix.
Brendan: Hey there, Skye.
Skye: … So, you've figured out who it was?
Brendan: Yeah. What I haven't figured out yet is how I'm gonna prove it.
Skye: … Maybe you won't have to.
Brendan: ?
Skye: I know you don't really like Blue so far, but … I think you should let him call the shots.
Skye: Then all you have to do is take them down.
Brendan: … I guess that'll work.
Brendan: (Wait for the opponent to move first? We did that sometimes during gym battles ….)
Brendan: (No harm in trying, then.)
Phoenix: … You can do it, Brendan.
Skye: Agreed. Just don't let revenge run your course, okay? Keep your head on. I mean, I want to get back at Mars myself, but ….
Skye: Well, I don't think your mother would have wanted to see you resort to that kind of thing.
Skye: Remember what Blue likes, and appeal with it: Evidence.
Brendan: *nod* Thanks.
Brendan: Let's get in there and make the most of it. It's time we wrapped this up.
(Music fades.)

Brendan: (We went on into the courtroom, where we found a somewhat sizable audience already seated in the gallery.)
Brendan: (We waited in there for a while as more people filed in. We made a little small talk, and Phoenix eventually asked me a haunting question.)
Phoenix: So, um … When is the funeral?
(Music: Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days - Riku)
Brendan: (Something … came over me then; like a tidal wave of depressing feelings. I could barely keep my face straight.)
Brendan: (He couldn't have picked a worse time to mention it. The truth was, I didn't have anywhere near enough money to pay for a proper burial.)
Brendan: (I hadn't told anyone. I was too upset by the whole mess that I'd pushed it to the back of my mind.)
Brendan: (I felt Skye read my mind again. Suddenly, as I knew, she knew. She gasped, probably without meaning to, and Phoenix's face fell.)
Brendan: (It occurred to me that Skye would probably pitch in, as she was being paid for her work; but it was nowhere near enough.)
Brendan: (I knew I didn't have time to dwell on it. I answered Phoenix with the first thing that I could put in words.)
Brendan: Phoenix, I …. I don't think there's going to be one.
Phoenix: ! But … but … !
Skye: Brendan, she's your own –
Brendan: We can't afford it, Skye. There's no way around that.
Skye: … Well, what about your father? He'd help you with it, right?
Brendan: ….. No. He wouldn't care. That's all there is to it.
Phoenix: But why
Brendan: Not now, Phoenix! We can talk about it later.
Brendan: (Skye wasn't searching me for the answer to Phoenix's question. I was grateful.)
(Music fades out.)

[ 10:00 AM – July 27th, 2017 ]
[ Goldenrod City Courthouse – Courtroom #2 ]
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations - Trials And Tribulations ~ Court Begins)

-------------------------------------

With all of this on his mind, Brendan's probably going to have a rough time getting through this trial - and I'm still having a tough time writing it. Keep a lookout for the next update, and in the meantime, I'd like to hear what you think of this sequence. :)

Trying to remember how I felt when my mom died is depressing in and of itself; I can barely remember a thing. :(

EDIT: Looking over it, things felt half-baked, so I changed a couple of lines. Said lines have the names colored red.

Last edited by Strife89; 08-17-2010 at 09:26 PM. Reason: Fixed a spelling error.
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  #114  
Old 09-16-2010, 11:29 PM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Part 5 in progress - final trial of the case!)

This is officially on indefinite hiatus until I can stabilize my situation. I have every intention to finish at least four cases, but I can no longer promise speed or stability. Don't hold your breath for updates, but keep your subscription up.
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  #115  
Old 11-28-2010, 05:15 PM
Filraen Filraen is offline
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Posticon Lightbulb Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Part 5 in progress - final trial of the case!)

Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT! Why nobody told me there was another story based on Knux's?

Hello, and sorry for post on a topic inactive for so long but I just realized its existence.

And now, to read the story.

EDIT: My opinions so far.

It has been long ago since I haven't played one of these. I can certainly say I like it. I like the sense of playing a game, and giving the music to the scenes only adds to the atmosphere. Nice selection of music from Pokemon, good fit.

WHAT!!! A Pokemon battle? The thought hit me as a surprise gimmick and as an obvious one in hindsight. Personally I would have let people play the battles instead of simply writing a log (adding the full log after the battle for reference) but you'd need more players for that (or actually, a faster-responding audience) so in this situation the battle log is the best option.

The whole "Pokemon is every bit as human as you and me" has a lot of possibles developments. One is keeping Roxanne's take, on convincing people that, yes, Pokemon are as sentient and intelligent as people. Next step is having Pokemon as a Pokemon Trainer (I'd suggest a prosecutor but for Roxanne's comment I don't believe any Pokemon had been appointed as one).

Nice idea for giving links for the songs in your story. However, I recommend you try to look for extended versions of songs if available (like this Goldenrod City music link) as it's a little annoying when the music stops and you've not finished reading the corresponding text. I've only seen extended versions of music of HG/SS and FR/LG.

Lily murdered, that's one thing I didn't see coming. Writing was effective as it can be for me.

Skye was accused for murder... somehow I had the idea Brendan was going to be accused instead. I know he wouldn't be able to do investigation so I believe he's going to be accused before the last trial, as Phoenix Wright in 1-2.

I won't complain if the Trial parts are longer.

Police not being able to get Pokemon-translating equipment? That's strange. Anyway, Blue is a Pokemon trainer, Leader of Viridian City Gym and grandson of Prof. Oak. I believe he the means to get Pokemon-translating equipment.

In the after-trial scene of Turnabout Return (post #20) you suddenly stopped naming Skye by nickname in the script when she talked/sent telepathically (sp?).

post #28: Broken music link: Pokémon HeartGold/SoulSilver – Goldenrod City

post #28: {Br}endan: Mom, I don't mean to complain (...)

post #34: Decide the way you're mentioning the prosecutor, as you're going between Blue and Oak every now and then.

If you're prompted to present something and you're posting the Court Record I'd recommend you post also the profiles too.

In overall, nice. I hope you can keep writing.

Last edited by Filraen; 12-02-2010 at 12:43 PM.
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  #116  
Old 12-02-2010, 03:22 AM
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Case 2 - Part 5 in progress - final trial of the case!)

As of yesterday (November 30, 2010), I have an Internet connection at home once again, and almost zero work done on the final trial of Case 2.

Filraen, thank you kindly for your feedback. :)

Anyway, once I settle down a little, I hope to try and resume writing; at the very least, *I* want to know how this case ends. ;)


(/me digs through his Dropbox account for the old project files.)


EDIT: For the life of me I can't remember (or locate) y'all's IRC server and channel.
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  #117  
Old 01-31-2011, 03:07 AM
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Default Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney: Case 2 - Part 5

(Complete text of part 5; font editing for the forum presentation still needs to be finished.)

[ 8:34 AM – July 27th, 2017 ]
[ Goldenrod City Courthouse - Lobby ]
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All – Courtroom Lounge ~ Another Prelude)

Brendan: (Skye's not here yet …. Guess this would be a good time to go over my notes.)
Brendan: (Slooth gave back the cat hair and the trinket yesterday.)
Brendan: (The hair got a match on Purugly, but the trinket didn't turn up anything, so I didn't bring it.)
Brendan: (Let's see … anything else I need to go over? I think I need to update some of my notes …. )

FINAL COURT RECORD:
Evidence
Attorney's Badge: Proof of my current profession. I wear it with a little more pride nowadays.
Pokégear: A really fancy “wristwatch”. Recently upgraded to make it capable of translating Pokémon speech.
Bag: My bag from when I was a Trainer. Has three unused Pokéballs and a Potion in it.
Lilycove Police Headquarters: Hoenn's highest-ranking police group. Has connections with the International Police. My mom, Lily, did off-the-clock research for them.
International Police: Did ongoing investigations on big criminal organizations from at least 2007 to 2008.
Team Galactic: Criminal organization that ran at its peak in 2008. The International Police had an eagle eye on them. In addition to Cyrus as the boss, it had three admins: Jupiter, Saturn, and Charon; all have been arrested. Turns out a fourth admin, Mars, escaped.
Skye's Testimony: She absentmindedly handled the knife with a bare hand on the night of the murder.
Altered Locks: Someone apparently picked my normal lock and took out the bolt. How they managed the latter is beyond me.
Bed Prints: Four small paw prints and a larger dent were found in the dirt next to the doorstep. Photo is timestamped at 7:20 AM, taken the morning after the crime.
Cat Hair: A single hair was found on the doorstep, and several more hairs were found on the living room carpet. Turns out it belongs to a Purugly.
Stabbing Note: There were no marks on the front of Mom's body or clothes to indicate that she was stabbed more than once.
Knife: The murder weapon. Skye was examining it as evidence for another murder. Said to have a bloodstain from a prior murder.
Fingerprint Info: There were out-of-place fingerprints on my windows. Perfect match with the prints of Melissa “Mars” Surre.
Spinarak's Testimony: The intruder had a mass of red hair, and was followed by a large, blue-ish Pokémon and a large cat (also a Pokémon?).
Hotel Record: Melissa checked in on July 22nd at 2 PM and checked out on July 25th at 6 PM.

Profiles
Brendan Namron: (AGE: 23) Me, of course. Originally a Trainer in Hoenn, I came back to Johto to study law four years ago.
Lily Namron: (AGE: 45) My mother, and the victim. She and I originally lived in Johto, but we moved to Hoenn in 2007 after my father became a Gym Leader there. Did unofficial research for the Lilycove Police for about a year.
Phoenix: (AGE: 5) My Torchic. Son of a Pokémon I released before I moved back to Johto.
Skye: (AGE: 9) My Kirlia. Joined the forensics team the day I became a lawyer. Daughter of another Pokémon from my training days. Currently my client, accused of the murder of Lily Namron.
Cyrus: A sinister man that wanted to erase the world and remake it his way. After a kid from Sinnoh stopped him, he disappeared. (image silhouetted)
Detective Slooth: (Age: 35) High-ranking detective at the Goldenrod Police Department. Always there for someone in a jam.
Gary Oak: (Age: 27) “Blue” is his nickname. Leader of the Viridian Gym in Kanto. Apparently well-known in that region for his prosecuting skills.
Silver: (Age: 30) A red-haired man who is close to his Feraligatr. Currently staying at the Goldenrod Hotel. Almost certainly not the murderer.
Melissa Surre: Possibly the murderer? Red hair, partners with a Purugly and a Bronzong.


Brendan: …. (Looks like that covers it. Hopefully this is everything I need …. there's a lot of information as it is.)
Brendan: (I'm willing to bet that Blue has some new stuff up his sleeve, though …. I need to keep my wits about me.)
Brendan: ….. (I need a towel. My palms feel like I just pulled them out of a sink.)
Brendan: (They should be here soon … I wonder what's taking so long.)
Brendan: (Maybe I should let Phoenix out … )
[Brendan pops open the Pokéball.]
Phoenix: (looking solemn)
Brendan: … Morning, Phoenix. How're you feeling?
Phoenix: Okay, I guess … You sure you can clear Skye, though?
Brendan: Pretty sure … so long as I stay calm in there.
Brendan: (I think he's still as upset about Mom as I am … I can't show it yet, though.)
Brendan: (If they don't have me for support, we're all probably going down … )
… … …
Phoenix: Hey, Brendan … What're you gonna do about … it?
Brendan: Huh? What's “it”?
Phoenix: The … the funeral. When is it?
Brendan: … … I don't know.
Phoenix: When will you know?
Brendan: I'm not sure, Phoenix. funerals are expensive these days, and I can't afford one right now …
Phoenix: But … your dad can do it, right? He's a Gym Leader and all –
Brendan: Let's not talk about it now, alright?
Phoenix: But – but wh--
Brendan: It's just not a good time. Maybe later.
Phoenix: (defeated) … Okay.
Brendan: (There are some things that just shouldn't be brought up at times like this … If only Phoenix knew.)
[The front door to the lobby suddenly opens. Skye walks in, escorted by a policeman and a Houndoom.]
Brendan: Morning, Skye.
Skye: Morning, Brendan! Ready to get this over with?
Brendan: …
Skye: (seeing Brendan's and Phoenix's long faces) Not quite, by the looks of it …
Officer: Good morning, Mr. Namron. We just finished setting up the Arena Trap.
Officer: She's in your hands from here on. Best of luck.
Brendan: Thank you, sir. Take care.
[The officer releases Skye from her cuffs, and he and his Houndoom head back out the door.]
Skye: … Not exactly a great morning for a trial, I guess …
Brendan: We'll be fine, Skye. Just … don't let Blue intimidate you.
Skye: Not a problem here.
???: Is that so?
Phoenix, Brendan: !?
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Justice For All – Investigation ~ Core 2002)
Blue: Morning, Namron. Ready to face the truth about your precious Kirlia?
Brendan: I already know the truth, Oak. She's innocent, and I know who isn't.
Blue: So you say, but are you certain you can prove that?
Brendan: Positive.
Blue: Only fools are positive, my “friend” …
Blue: You know what's coming. I expect you to put up a good fight in there. See you in a few ….
[Blue departs into the courtroom.]
Skye: I found a nifty lil' nugget while he was railing on you, Brendan …
Brendan: What would that be?
Skye: … He's a rookie, too.


[ 10:00 AM – July 27th, 2017 ]
[ Goldenrod City Courthouse – Courtroom #2 ]
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations - Trials And Tribulations ~ Court Begins)
*gallery chatter*
*gavel pounds*
Judge: Court is now in session for the trial of Kirlia Skye Namron.
Judge: I take it that both sides are ready?
Brendan: … The defense is ready, Your Honor.
Blue: The prosecution is prepared as well, Your Honor. Let's get this over with fast, Namron.
Brendan: I intend to, Blue. (What's it that's concerning him, anyway?)
Judge: … As both sides know, yesterday's portion of the trial ended up focusing on the incident at the hotel, and its connection with the case. You were asked to work with the police afterwards and investigate other aspects of the case. I trust much progress has been made since then.
Blue: It has indeed, Your Honor. I have much evidence to bring to light on this case.
Blue: I think that we should start with the house the victim was staying the night in – that of the defense attorney opposite me.
Blue: “Detective” Namron, as a psychic, was certainly capable of manipulating the scene to however it saw fit, in order to forge a crime scene that points to someone else – anyone else – and get away with everything that has taken place thus far.
Blue: It is my intention to reveal the truth to Mr. Namron – that not all Pokemon can be trustworthy to the end.
Brendan: (Not all humans are trustworthy to the end, either, but I don't see you railing on any …)
Blue: I will, of course, provide evidence with my claims. I … trust … that you will do the same, Brendan Namron.
Brendan: … (What, is he psychic now?)
Skye: [grinning] (Nah, you're just easy to read.)
Brendan: (Hey! I'll have you know I had a mean poker face during a 5-card draw tournament!)
Skye: [giggle] (Oh, it was mean, alright ….)
Judge: Mr. Namron? What's going on over there?
Brendan: ! N-Nothing, Your Honor. Just thinking.
Judge: I think that you think that you've been thinking for a bit longer than necessary. Mr. Oak, please proceed.
Blue: With pleasure, Your Honor.
Blue: Yesterday's trial stole the focus from the crime scene. Today, I wish to walk the court through a summary of what was found.
Blue: I will start by bringing Detective Slooth to the witness stand.
Judge: Very well. Bailiff, if you please. (music fades out)

Slooth: Is this really necessary, Blue?
Blue: I dare say it is, Detective. Procedure and all that.
Blue: Now then, let's not dawdle. I want a recounting of what the crime scene was like from the outside.
Slooth: Yes, sir. Here goes.
Brendan: (Looks like we're jumping right in. Look sharp, Brendan!)


CROSS EXAMINATION
The Outside

(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations – Cross Examination ~ Moderate 2004)
Slooth:
Part 1: The crew heard about the murder around 1 A.M. that fateful morning.
Part 2: The team investigated for about ten hours. We turned over most every inch of that place.
Part 3: The only thing of significance was that messed up doorknob. There weren't even footprints!
Part 4: Truth be told, I think we should already be talking about the inside of the house.

Press Part 1.

Brendan: 1 AM, huh … ? I barely remember much around that time.
Slooth: We went slowly around the house with flashlights and cameras, trying to document everything.
Slooth: Most of what we found wasn't all that noteworthy, save the wreck that was the room of the murder.
Brendan: (I'd rather not talk about how much of a “wreck” all this is ...)

Press Part 3.

Brendan: So, you're saying that you spent all that time and found nothing else important?
Slooth: That's correct, Brendan. Whoever did it did a great job of covering their tracks.
Blue: Indeed … which suggests that it was an “inside” job, if you will.
Brendan: (Boy, have I got news for you two …)

Present Bed Prints to Part 3.

OBJECTION! (music stops)

Brendan: Detective Slooth, I have something for you to look at.
Slooth: … What is that picture of?
Blue: ! That's a set of pawprints!
Brendan: It sure is. Want to guess where they were found?
Slooth: Er … somewhere at your place?
(Music: Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth – Objection! 2009)
Brendan: (grinning) Exactly.
Brendan: And what's more, they were found in some dirt near my front door – as you can see, they lead away from the block of concrete in front of it. And they weren't there before the day this photo was taken.
Blue: And when would that be, Namron?
Brendan: The morning of the crime, naturally. I took the picture at 7:20 AM while looking for evidence.
Blue: … I fail to see your point, Namron. These could easily be any stray animal's paw prints.
Brendan: Well … that's true, but … these lead straight to my front door. And strays almost never walk around my house, as it's inside the city area.
Skye: (Just barely.)
Brendan: (A minor detail.)
Blue: (shrugs) It means little. A strange coincidence, nothing more.
Blue: Detective, do you have anything else to report before we proceed?
Slooth: Nothing, sir. Like I said, the focus was the inside of the house.
Brendan: (Nothing at all? Slooth, where is your memory today?)
Brendan: (I'm pretty sure I remember at least one other thing being off yesterday …)

Raise an Objection
Say Nothing

Raise an objection.

Brendan: What about the doorstep? I found this cat hair there the other morning.
Brendan: Now, suppose I ran a test on it to determine what breed of cat crossed my lawn. What do you think I'd come up with?
Blue: (arms folded) A waste of time. It's the hair of some stray cat, nothing more.
Brendan: Sorry, Blue. That's not gonna work.
Brendan: I had Detective Slooth run a scan on this hair yesterday. Take a wild guess what it came from.
Blue: Again, Namron, you're wasting our time. Out with it.
Brendan: (Wipe that smug look off your face.) It came from a Purugly.
Blue: … And the significance, Namron, is what?
Brendan: I'll tell you, Blue.
Brendan: (fiercely; close-up shot) This is proof that a cat from a foreign region visited my house!
*chatter in the gallery*
Blue: (visibly sweating) Al … alright. You have a point there, Namron. You had an outside visitor.
Blue: But! A Purugly cannot commit murder like that of this crime! Can you prove it had an owner?
Brendan: (How in the world would a Purugly get here without an owner?)
Brendan: (Regardless, that's not exactly strong ground to tread on. Let's look at the evidence …)

I can prove who owns it
I can't right now

I can't right now

Brendan: As much as I'd like to show you who I think owns the Purugly, I can't prove it to you. (For now, at least.) [music fades out]
Blue: I thought so. Nothing but flimsy assumptions swimming in that head of yours.
Brendan: (We'll soon see …)
Blue: Detective Slooth. I think we're done with discussion of the house's exterior.
Blue: Report on the inside of Mr. Namron's house.
Slooth: Do I have to? …

CROSS EXAMINATION
The Inside
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations – Cross Examination ~ Moderate 2004)
Slooth: (looking solemn)
Part 1: The inside of the house was untouched for the most part.
Part 2: Only two rooms had any signs of intrusion: Skye's room and Lily's.
Part 3: The murder weapon was definitely taken from Skye's room.
Part 4: Skye's fingerprints were on the knife, too. We didn't find any others.

Recap:
Brendan: (I get this awful feeling that Blue is trying to force Slooth to lie through his teeth.)
Brendan: (What he said just now is so obviously false …)
Skye: (I think it's desperation. Looks to me like his strategy is bluffing. Maybe in hopes he'll throw you off.)
Brendan: (It's not gonna work. You didn't use that knife, but we know who did.)
Brendan: (Blue said yesterday that he might call her as a witness. Let's see if he does …)
Skye: (Go to it, Brendan!) [smiles]

Present Fingerprint Info to Part 4.

OBJECTION! (music stops)
Brendan: Slooth, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that you're being asked to lie.
Slooth: Says who, pal?
Brendan: Says Blue. (pan to him; he's sweating bullets)
Brendan: And I know this because you, Slooth, helped me discover yesterday why your statement just now is false.
Brendan: There was a visitor's fingerprints on the window that weren't there before the night of the crime!
(Music: Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney: Announce the Truth 2007)
Blue: A-And just whose prints were those, huh?
Brendan: You would know, Blue. They belong to Sinnoh resident Melissa Surre!
*gallery uproar*
Judge: Order! ORDER! ORDERRRRRR!
Judge: What is the meaning of this? Why am I being left in the dark all of a sudden?
Blue: Your Honor, allow me to explain. Yesterday, I encountered someone who indeed went by the name of Melissa Surre. She seemed … a bit suspicious, so I questioned her.
Blue: I cannot explain why her fingerprints were on Namron's window, but my best offer is that the defendant may have put them there. Perhaps it lifted a print from Ms. Surre's room at the hotel.
Brendan: But that's ridiculous! Skye wasn't there long enough to –
Blue: You forget your own Pokemon, Namron! Are you now saying that it isn't as good of a detective as you've claimed?
Brendan: …
Blue: If it's as good as they say, lifting a proper print would be trivial for a Pokemon like yours. Five seconds, tops.
Blue: Psychically planting it elsewhere would be a piece of cake.
Brendan: Would it, now? I can think of one piece of evidence that'll blow that theory out of the water.
Blue: … Alright. Show it to me. What proves that the defendant couldn't have transferred the prints itself?

Present Knife

Blue: The murder weapon? Explain, Namron.
Brendan: If Skye had plans to murder my mother and was capable of copying, or intended to copy, the fingerprints as you claim,
Brendan: don't you think that she would have copied the prints to this knife as well?
Blue: Gah!
Brendan: Sure, Skye's prints are on here, but she's already explained that she lost track of things and was toying with it during an investigation.
Blue: And I've already explained that it could have used the knife psychically.
Blue: We're going in circles, Namron. What's your point?
Brendan: I'm trying to accuse the true murderer, of course.
Judge: Is … is this true, Mr. Namron?
Brendan: Yes, Your Honor. If it pleases the court, I wish to make an official accusation here and now.
Judge: …. Very well. Who do you believe is the true murderer of Lily Namron?

Present Melissa Surre

Judge: Who – who is that?!
Brendan: That, Your Honor, is Melissa Surre in the photograph. She is a resident of the Sinnoh region.
Brendan: Ten years ago, she was involved in a criminal organization that was well known to the police.
Brendan: That organization was Team Galactic. Melissa … was Mars.
(Music: Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney: Pressing Pursuit ~ Cornered 2007)
*gallery chatter*
Judge: *gavel pounding* Order! Order in the court!
Judge: Mr. Namron! Do you realize what you're saying?
Brendan: I am, Your Honor. Mars traveled to this country in order to murder my mother.
Blue: How and why, Namron? It helps if you can back up your theory.
Brendan: I'll get to that, Blue. Out of curiosity, did you happen to bring Mars here for possible testimony?
Blue: !
Brendan: If you would be so kind as to call her to the stand … (music fades)
Blue: … Fine, Namron. I'll play your game.
Blue: Your Honor. I request to remove Detective Slooth from the stand and replace him with my next witness.
Judge: … As you like, Mr. Oak.

[Melissa Surre looks as irritated as ever. Her hair vaguely resembles the style she used back in her days as Mars, but it looks quite frazzled now.]
Melissa: … *scowl*
Blue: Witness, name and occupation.
Melissa: … Melissa Surre. Ex-Galactic.
Melissa: Mister Oak, you assured me that I would not –
Blue: I did not, Ms. Surre. I said it would be unlikely.
Blue: Now, if you would kindly testify to the court how you came into this region and what you did here, we'll have you back off the stand in no time.
Melissa: … Tch, fine.
Skye: (This won't be easy, Brendan.)
Brendan: (I know. I'm going to have to pry the truth from her with everything I've got.)
Brendan: (One clue at a time.)

CROSS EXAMINATION
Visit to Johto
(Music: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Cross Examination ~ Allegro 2001)
Melissa: (slightly irritated)
Part 1: I just … felt like taking a little vacation, that's all.
Part 2: So I took a ship here from Sinnoh.
Part 3: I checked in to the Goldenrod Hotel on the 22nd, a little past noon.
Part 4: I stayed in the hotel a lot of the time. Went out every now and then.
Part 5: I checked out yesterday and was preparing to head home, …
Part 6: … when suddenly I was confronted by the police on suspicion of murder!
Part 7: But, I have nothing to do with it, I swear.

Recap:
Brendan: (Some of this testimony is fine, but the rest feels like a blatant lie.)
Skye: (Got any ideas about where to start?)
Brendan: (A few, but timing is everything.) *wink*

Press Part 3
HOLD IT!
Brendan: So, exactly when did you check in to the Goldenrod Hotel, Ms. Surre?
Melissa: *sigh* 2:00 P.M. exactly. I had a late lunch after that.
Brendan: … I see. And what about after lunch?
Melissa: Spent time in my room. Nothing important.
Brendan: … Oh.

Press Part 4
HOLD IT!
Brendan: Can you tell me what exactly you went out to do?
Melissa: Went shopping. Visited other towns. The usual vacation activities.
Brendan: (… She's being deliberately vague, I think. Should I press her further?)

Press harder.
Let it go.

Press harder:
Brendan: Witness! We can't afford for you to be vague about this! Where did you go during your stay?
Melissa: Ugh, you lawyers are always demanding pointless details! *sigh* On the 23rd I went out to Olivine to enjoy the beach. On the 24th I visited Sprout Tower; the 25th, Mount Silver. Then I packed up to go home.
Blue: Mr. Namron, what is the point here? She went to some of Johto's more notable sites. It tells us nothing!
OBJECTION!
Brendan: Well, Blue, if you, uh, let me finish my questioning, everything will become clear.
Phoenix: (quietly, sarcastically) Way to dance out of that one.
Brendan: (whispering, sincerely) Thanks.
Blue: *sigh* Fine, fine. Continue, witness.

Let it go.:
Brendan: … Oh, okay then. Hope it was, uh, a pleasant stay.
Blue: You will have a very unpleasant stay, Namron, if you don't stop with the babble.
Brendan: *gulp*
Blue: Continue, witness.

Press Part 5
HOLD IT!
Brendan: You checked out yesterday? So, five days if you count the day you checked in?
Melissa: That's right.
Skye: Kinda odd to check in on a Saturday, don't you think?
Brendan: That's not the only thing that's odd …


Present Hotel Record
OBJECTION!
Melissa: *irate* Oh, what is it now?
Brendan: Ms. Surre, let me make sure I have this right. You checked in to the Goldenrod Hotel on Saturday the 22nd, right?
Melissa: Yes.
Brendan: And your checkout was … when?
Melissa: Last night. At 6:00.
Brendan: So, the 26th, then? Wednesday?
Melissa: T-That's right.
Brendan: I see. Why, then, does this official record from the Goldenrod Hotel …
(Music: PW T&T: Pursuit ~ Cornered 2004)
Brendan: say you checked out on the 25th?
Melissa: Hmph. For all we know, that transcript is a fake. You might have typed it up yourself.
Brendan: Do you want to bet a phone call to the hotel on that?
Melissa: …
Brendan: I can easily tell the court why she checked out that day:
Brendan: Because that was the night of the murder!
*gallery chatter*
*gavel pounds thrice*
Judge: Order! Order! Order in the court!
Judge: Mr. Namron, that's a very interesting train of thought you have going,
Judge: but I'm afraid you'll need to lay down some more tracks to get it to the station!
Judge: If Ms. Surre checked out at 6 PM two nights ago, then where did she go next?

Another hotel
Scene of the crime
Friend's house
Somewhere else

Scene of the crime
Brendan: Your Honor, after Melissa checked out of the hotel, she wasted no time getting to her next destination: the scene of the crime.
Brendan: Skye and my mom were working on preparing dinner from around 6:30 to 7:30. During that time, I saw a person I didn't recognize peering into the window. I waved at them.
Brendan: I'm beginning to thing that the person I saw was Melissa Surre herself!
Blue: Namron, need I remind you? Never make an accusation without the proof.
Blue: So, Namron. Where is it? How do you know that it was Melissa there at your window?

Present Fingerprint Info

Brendan: Easy, Blue. She left fingerprints on the kitchen window!
(Music: PW T&T: Pursuit ~ Caught)
*gallery chatter*
Melissa: (silently fuming) …
Skye: (I think you've almost got her! Look, she can't even speak!)
Skye: (Don't let up on the pressure!)
Judge: Order! ORDERRRRRR! ORDER in the COURT!
Judge: Mr. Namron, for the sake of my nerves, please calmly explain what's so easy about this.
Brendan: Your Honor, I believe I have already told the court that I had Detective Slooth check fingerprints that were found on the window to Skye's room,
Brendan: but I fear I failed to mention aloud that I asked his team to check every window.
Brendan: And, as it turns out, there were prints on the outside of multiple windows of my house.
Brendan: It's obvious that Melissa was carelessly using her hands to block the fading light outside and get a better view in!
Melissa: W-Wait.
Brendan: !
Melissa: So you're so dead-set on pinning me as the murderer … Tell me then … how did I enter the house?
Melissa: Every residency in Goldenrod has a deadbolt on all their doors, and it'd be pretty obvious if someone used a Pokemon to get in … So, if I killed your pathetic mother, how did I get in?
Brendan: (… Nobody talks that way about Mom.) This is how!

Present Altered Locks

Brendan: You picked the main lock anyway, Melissa. And then you somehow accomplished the impossible: you removed the deadbolt entirely! Without touching the rest of the door!
Blue: He admits it, Your Honor! It's impossible! Ms. Surre can't have entered the house because she –
OBJECTION!
Brendan: Maybe it's impossible for someone unprepared, Blue, but Melissa was not unprepared.
OBJECTION!
Blue: You just told us that Ms. Surre removed the deadbolt without leaving any evidence of tampering on the door. There is no way, even with a Pokemon, to do such a thing if the door isn't already open!
Brendan: [shakes head, smiles] There is one way, and one way alone.
Brendan: (I think it all comes down to this. Ready to finish this?)
Skye: Yeah.
Phoenix: Let's do it!
Blue: … I'm listening, Namron. How did Melissa Surre get inside your house?

Present Melissa Surre's Profile

[Music stops.]
Brendan: As the court has been told, Melissa Surre is an ex-member of Team Galactic.
Brendan: And, when Melissa was in Team Galactic as Mars, she carried three Pokemon with her:
Brendan: A Purugly, a Crobat, and a Bronzong.
Brendan: Because she had a Crobat, I think it's safe to say that she was, at the very least, attached to her Pokemon. Ergo, she probably still has all three of them to this day.
Melissa: …
Brendan: And, of those three Pokemon, which does the court think might have been the most useful in doing the “impossible” – like, say, removing a deadbolt?
Blue: [alarmed, suddenly realizing] The – the Bronzong –!
Brendan: Exactly.
[Music: Kingdom Hearts re:coded: Namine]
(Melissa looks completely flustered at this point. She reaches underneath the witness stand and pulls out two Pokeballs. Brendan flinches, remembering how his last case ended, but Melissa calmly opens them and sighs. Her Purugly and Bronzong now stand beside her.)
Brendan: (… Not all three.)
Melissa: … You win, Namron. Give it back, Purr.
(The Purugly grabs a small briefcase from behind Melissa with its tail, and drags it over to the defense bench. Blue looks at it curiously.)
Brendan: I know this case … Your Honor, if I may?
Judge: Go ahead.
Blue: Those are … Mrs. Namron's papers …
Brendan: … Yeah. All her criminal research, cherished letters, stuff like that … Lots of information on Team Galactic. (looks at Melissa) This … is what you killed Mom for?
Melissa: … (tears up) No.
Blue: Why, then? What in the world would make you go through all this to kill one simple person?
Brendan: (I wonder … Why has Blue been leaning toward sympathetic all of a sudden? He hasn't been his aggressive self most of the trial …)
Melissa: … I wanted revenge. For what she did to Cyrus.
Skye: (looking at a paper) What she did? She only helped the police track him. She never meant to –
Melissa: – trap him in the Distortion World! Sentenced him to a life all alone, away from us! Her work took him from me, left him to die …!
Skye: … He was evil, Melissa. He wanted to erase us all and start his own world.
Melissa: I would have let him! I was the only one on the team who understood how he felt, what made him happy … All I wanted was for him to be happy …
Melissa: And then that kid came one day. He was always in our way, already prepared to stop every little thing we did … And in the end, he and the police cornered us, drove Cyrus into the Distortion World, and left him to die there …
Melissa: I quit the team and fled, got arrested, broke out, and did everything I could to open the portal again … But nothing I did worked. Cyrus never came back. So I traced the police investigation to its mastermind – Lily Namron.
Brendan: My mom.
Melissa: I found out from one of the locals that she went here, took a private boat, and waited.
Skye: You felt that someone had to be blamed. You couldn't find the Trainer, so you went with – as you saw it – the next-best thing.
Melissa: … I did.
Brendan: … Melissa, … you'll never get anywhere by pinning the blame on others.
Brendan: I mean, yes … you k-killed my mother. *sniff* But … even if I wanted to get revenge on you … it wouldn't make things better. It'd probably make me feel worse.
Brendan: But ... I'm not saying I forgive you. Just … letting you know.
Skye: … Brendan, I found something in the suitcase. Here …
Melissa: I … I've read everything in there. I don't need to hear it.
Brendan: I don't think you've read this.
Blue: *sigh* Make it quick.

Brendan:
“Dear Cyrus,
“I do not know if I will be able to write you any more letters. The time has come that we must put an end to your scheming.
“We have drifted apart over the years; this has been my greatest fear since the dawn of my youth. We are enemies by virtue of the law. Heed my warning: The International Police are closing in. You will be stopped.
“My only wish is to see you smiling again with the few friends you had.
“Yours truly, Lily.”

[Music: Ace Attorney Investigations: Miles Edgeworth: Reminiscence ~ KG-8 Case]
Brendan: (narrating) Melissa was crying when they removed her from the courtroom. Not even Skye could bring a smile to her face when the judge declared her

N O T G U I L T Y .

Brendan: I took Skye and Phoenix by the Goldenrod Grill for lunch. It had been a long trial, and they had earned it as much as anyone.
Brendan: Phoenix wolfed everything down, as usual. Skye nibbled at her food. I couldn't eat at all. We eventually took the leftovers home.
Brendan: They had already removed Mom's body and cleaned up the mess. Skye and Phoenix went to their rooms, and later Skye left for the police station. I collapsed on the couch, and didn't get up for a long time.

Brendan: My fact was wet when I woke up. Skye and Phoenix were standing next to me, expressions unreadable. Skye said something to me. I'm not sure I remember what. All I know is that I hugged her for all I was worth and cried for several minutes.

[Music: Pokemon Black and White versions: Sayonara]
The funeral was Sunday evening. The entire investigation team, Slooth, Silver, all my friends, Mom's relatives, and my dad … they were all there. I remember they played Above All. I can still see the moment they lowered her casket into the ground. I remember being offered a lot of food and eating almost none of it; although we rarely had to worry about leftovers.

And when all the gathered mourning and reminiscing was done … I wasn't sure what to do.

I thought about turning in my badge at one point. Skye would have none of that, of course.
Skye: You know Lily wouldn't want that. We all should keep going.
Brendan: … Yeah. Yeah, we should.

I'll keep going, Mom. I know you're proud of me. Thanks for everything, and …
… goodbye.



T H E E N D
of case 2.



Author's Note: If you had trouble figuring it out, Skye made up with the police department on her own, and asked them to help pay for the funeral as a favor. Brendan cried for a few minutes when she relayed the outcome.

Last edited by Strife89; 03-13-2014 at 04:40 AM.
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  #118  
Old 11-26-2013, 02:13 PM
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Strife89 Strife89 is offline
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Default Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Google Docs links for all cases)

Google Docs copies of all of the work thus far. Cases 3 and 4 will be "published" there and on fanfiction.net. I plan on going back to the interactive script format for 4, so if there's enough interest (and I have enough written), I'll post it here, in question-reply format, for everyone to play along.

Commenting is open to everyone, even if you don't sign in with a Google account.

Case 1
Case 2
Case 3: (fanfiction.net mirror, may contain formatting problems)
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5 (in progress)
Case 4 (not started)

Last edited by Strife89; 03-13-2014 at 04:42 AM.
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  #119  
Old 03-22-2014, 04:58 AM
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Strife89 Strife89 is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Cases 1 and 2; links to read 3)

I'd like to talk with the forum members for a bit about parental trust.

I'm closing in on the end of Case 3, which naturally means that Case 4 is around the metaphorical corner. I haven't even started working on the particulars of the murder case, as my focus has been going into the subplot that I've been building up to in 3.

Without getting too spoilery, 4's subplot is supposed to have Brendan actually meet his father for the first time in years. Brendan has been harboring some ill will, to say the least, and Norman's supposed to try and (initially) fail to explain his side of the story (the one Brendan talks about in 3.Ch2), which eventually spells out that Brendan was never told the truth and lived believing a somewhat cruel lie.

The trouble is, I'm uncertain on how I should write this whole issue. As far as father-to-son/child relationships go, I barely have any real-life experience, and I'm not exactly brave enough to walk up to the locals and ask for interviews.

So, to put it simply: do any of you have tips for approaching this, or any personal experiences to lend as advice? (I'm okay with rot13-ing spoilers if it would help with discussion.)
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  #120  
Old 07-05-2017, 11:49 PM
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Strife89 Strife89 is offline
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Default Re: Brendan Namron: Ace Attorney (Cases 1 and 2; links to read 3)

Just bumping this thread to say that I'm not dead - and, somehow, neither is the fic.

I finished Case 3 a couple of days ago (on July 2, 2017 to be specific). If anyone wants to read it, it's on Google Docs and fanfiction.net
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