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Old 06-25-2008, 08:04 PM
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Blaziking the God General Blaziking the God General is offline
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Default Pokemon Antebellum

Prologue

“It happened too fast! I know I could’ve saved him if I only knew! It’s all my fault!” a giant red dragon/bird hybrid cried. She was talking to a small pink mouse that was only shaking her head. If someone were to try and figure out what she was thinking by looking at her face, it would be something along the lines of “I wish you’d just shut up already Latias.” That was actually quite close to what she was thinking.

“Latias for the last time! You are NOT at fault here. Latios died not because of you, but he died because of all of the legendaries! It’s our fault the war started! It’s our fault that Latios, Ho-oh, and Zapdos-” Mew said, but was interrupted by a bird that appeared to be lit on fire.

“Zapdos is not dead!” Moltres bellowed.

“You can deny it all you want Moltres, but it’s only true-” Mew began.

“Zapdos ‘disappeared.’ He didn’t ‘die.’ There’s a big difference,” a blue bird, with a beautiful flowing tail that appeared as a scarf, said. Articuno and Moltres were as much over the disappearance of Zapdos as Latias was over Latios. There was a pause, in which a long green winged snake descended next to them. Accompanying him were a Pokemon that looked like a little white cloaked Pokemon with a yellow square hat with streamers on the corners, and a large yellow cape, and a white bird with spiky feathers on its back, a blue belly, and it’s eyes looked slanted enough to make it look vicious.

“Oh come on! You’re taking this too seriously! It’s fine! I’m dealing with Ho-oh’s death fine,” Lugia, the bird, said, almost convincing everyone that it was the truth.

Latias shot a glare at her. “Oh shut up! Ho-oh wasn’t your brother!” she shouted.

“Yeah, but he was my best friend!” Lugia shouted back. Eventually, all of the legendaries began fighting and arguing with one another, except for the caped Pokemon, who’d finally had enough.

“Everyone shut the hell up! We just ended a legendary war; we don’t need another one to start. Haven’t we killed enough people and Pokemon for that matter?” Jirachi said angrily.

The other Pokemon began ignoring each other and looked around as if it was a beautiful view. It was not. All around them, there were buildings that had either been burned, abandoned, or had collapsed. In some areas, there were bodies of humans, and open Poke Balls, even some were closed, with the Pokemon in them never to be let out again. Some Pokemon had even died with their trainers, since they had refused to leave when their masters said “go.” Eventually, Mew spoke up.

“Okay, so someone tell me why Manaphy, Cresselia, Shaymin, Azelf, and Mesprit aren’t here,” he said.

“They didn’t want to travel all this way to get here from Sinnoh,” Articuno said. There was again an awkward silence.

Rayquaza, a long green snake, spoke up moments later to end the silence. “The Regi’s have been put back into their slumber, and Raikou, Entei, and Suicune helped me calm and deposit Kyogre and Groudon to their slumber. Celebi went time-traveling, I don’t know when-” he was interrupted when, what appeared to be an elf with an onion bulb for a head appeared.

“I am back at last!” Celebi exclaimed. She was always the cheery type, even through the war, so she was upset to see everyone so depressed. “Wow what a welcome.”

“What did you find out?” the two remaining legendary birds, Moltres and Articuno, and Latias asked.

“You all agreed that what I learn on all my trips should be confidential, so I am being confidential thank you,” Celebi answered cheerfully. “However,” she continued in a serious voice, “I think you should at least know that there is a boy in the future that can help us out with this little-” she quickly corrected herself by the looks on everyone’s faces, “I mean big problem.”

“A boy? How old?” Lugia inquired.

“Twelve, give or take a few years,” Celebi said.

“How is he going to help us?” Jirachi, the one dressed in yellow, asked.

“One word; confidential,” Celebi responded.

“Rayquaza, it’s your fault for installing that rule,” Articuno said. Rayquaza simply sighed and spoke.

“Alright then Celebi. Now everyone else, try not to start anymore wars, okay?”

“Great enlightening speech,” Mew said sarcastically.

“Shut up Mew. Anyway, apparently this kid is going to be involved in something big in…how long?” Rayquaza asked.

“110 years,” Celebi responded.

“Crap, that’s a long time,” Mew said. Everyone of the Pokemon eventually left to go their own way.

The last Pokemon behind was Celebi, who looked around, sad to see all the Pokemon and their owners dead. She went over to a peculiar purple Poke Ball that had pink stripes on it. A master ball, she thought, how could anyone be so cruel as to use one of these? Celebi knew from experience how horrible Master Balls were. She’d been captured in one before, but luckily escaped. She knew of the feeling of having it thrown towards you, and knowing that there was no hope to run away or escape. She threw the ball and a Typhlosion came out.

“Go free, your trainer is gone,” Celebi said. The Typhlosion bowed his head to thank Celebi, and he left. 110 years left to go, Celebi thought, I’d better make my will.

It’s one of the saddest thing to see such a happy – go – lucky legendary such as Celebi become serious. It’s depressing when you hear a prediction from her. It’s the scariest thing on earth when you realize that she knows what happens in the future.

(...comments?)
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Old 06-26-2008, 01:30 AM
Dragon_night Dragon_night is offline
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Default Re: Pokemon Antebellum

Alright, I'll be honest, but I'm not trying to be mean here (it just needs to be said >_>)

You're writing style isn't bad like most people who start writing (and I'm assuming you just started), but it still screams out that you're new. Of course, the main thing that brought me to that conclusion was the description. Good thing you added it, bad because it wasn't good enough top paint a picture of the pokemon in my mind without needing their name. I was too vague.

Secondly, is the use of legendary pokemon. It could be me, but legendary pokemon in a meeting is way too cliche. And the war of legends is also cliche.

Again, not trying to be mean, but the main things that make me not want to read this is the already cliche plot, and the writing mechanics. I suggest you could try reading a book or two on the subjects (there are tons of them). Just keep writing, and you'll get the hang of it.

Keep on writing!
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Old 06-26-2008, 08:27 AM
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Default Re: Pokemon Antebellum

Nice fic. But I agree that you can tell you are new. Also is Mew really the sort to just say crap?
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Old 06-26-2008, 02:06 PM
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Blaziking the God General Blaziking the God General is offline
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Default Re: Pokemon Antebellum

In my fic, yes, Mew's not the happy type in this fiction. Thanks for the reviewing.
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Old 06-26-2008, 07:23 PM
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OrangeAipom OrangeAipom is offline
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Default Re: Pokemon Antebellum

Typing in fonts makes it harder to comment, but I'll try.

Quote:
“It happened too fast! I know I could’ve saved him if I only knew! It’s all my fault!” a giant red dragon/bird hybrid cried. She was talking to a small pink mouse that was only shaking her head. If someone were to try and figure out what she was thinking by looking at her face, it would be something along the lines of “I wish you’d just shut up already Latias.” That was actually quite close to what she was thinking.
At first I though Latias was Ho-oh. O_o

Quote:
“Zapdos ‘disappeared.’ He didn’t ‘die.’ There’s a big difference,” a blue bird, with a beautiful flowing tail that appeared as a scarf, said. Articuno and Moltres were as much over the disappearance of Zapdos as Latias was over Latios. There was a pause, in which a long green winged snake descended next to them. Accompanying him were a Pokemon that looked like a little white cloaked Pokemon with a yellow square hat with streamers on the corners, and a large yellow cape, and a white bird with spiky feathers on its back, a blue belly, and it’s eyes looked slanted enough to make it look vicious.
Appeared as a scarf? That doesn't make any sense. The part about Articuno and Moltres about Zapdos' disssppearance is redundant. Were should be was in "...him were a..." "...it's eyes looked slanted enough..." should be its own sentence.

Quote:
“Everyone shut the hell up! We just ended a legendary war; we don’t need another one to start. Haven’t we killed enough people and Pokemon for that matter?” Jirachi said angrily.
The adverb about Jirachi's words isn't needed.

Quote:
The other Pokemon began ignoring each other and looked around as if it was a beautiful view. It was not. All around them, there were buildings that had either been burned, abandoned, or had collapsed. In some areas, there were bodies of humans, and open Poke Balls, even some were closed, with the Pokemon in them never to be let out again. Some Pokemon had even died with their trainers, since they had refused to leave when their masters said “go.” Eventually, Mew spoke up.
I'm not sure if this would be better without "It was not." or not.

Quote:
“Okay, so someone tell me why Manaphy, Cresselia, Shaymin, Azelf, and Mesprit aren’t here,” he said.
"he said" really isn't needed.

Quote:
Rayquaza, a long green snake, spoke up moments later to end the silence. “The Regi’s have been put back into their slumber, and Raikou, Entei, and Suicune helped me calm and deposit Kyogre and Groudon to their slumber. Celebi went time-traveling, I don’t know when-” he was interrupted when, what appeared to be an elf with an onion bulb for a head appeared.
Regi's what?

Quote:
“I am back at last!” Celebi exclaimed. She was always the cheery type, even through the war, so she was upset to see everyone so depressed. “Wow what a welcome.”
Don't tell of Celebi's cheeriness. Anyway, wouldn't Celebi be able to travel a bit further back in time so that she wouldn't be late?

Quote:
“What did you find out?” the two remaining legendary birds, Moltres and Articuno, and Latias asked.
"the two remaining legendary birds" isn't needed.

Last edited by OrangeAipom; 06-26-2008 at 08:09 PM.
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