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Old 07-01-2008, 08:14 AM
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Default Bears On A Submarine

So, in the Insanity "You Laugh, You Lose" thread, I saw a fake poster for "Bears On A Submarine". That inspired me. So, I wrote this. Keep in mind that it's INTENDED to be bad. And it's a film script, too. You should know why. (PG-13)

Well, here it is.

Quote:
BEARS ON A SUBMARINE: ONE MAN VS. A SUBMARINE FULL OF BEARS.
PG-13

CENTRAL CASTING:
SAM
MR. PRESIDENT
JENKINS
FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER
LOTS OF BEARS


WE SEE A HUGE CROWD GATHERED IN BIG CITY PARK, WATCHING THE LAUNCH OF THE GREAT FLYING SPACE SUBMARINE U.S.S. NO-BEAR, SET TO EPIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC. ON SCREEN, THE TEXT “BIG CITY, 2573” APPEARS.

President Of Earth: Thank you, thank you. Today, I would like to present to the world- no, the universe- the first in the planet Earth's line of flying space submarines. These great vehicles will allow mankind to travel to the stars, to see what strange and wonderful things exist out there. I am proud to give to the people of this great planet the U.S.S. No-Bear!

APPLAUSE. MEANWHILE, THE SPACE MARINE SAM COMES UP TO THE STAND TO MAKE A SPEECH.

Sam: I just wanted to say what an honor it is to be chosen for this historic mission. Ever since I was a boy, I've dreamed of being able to reach the stars, to contact alien life... And to think that I will...

SHORT PAUSE.

Sam: Thank you all so much. I can only hope I do well.

APPLAUSE.

INSERT “BEARS ON A SUBMARINE“ LOGO AND OPENING CREDITS HERE.

CUT TO THE LAUNCH. THE U.S.S. NO-BEAR SLOWLY RISES FROM THE GROUND, GLOWING DIMLY. THEN, IT TURNS UPWARDS AND CHARGES AT SONIC SPEEDS. AS IT BREAKS THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE, CUT TO SAM, THE PRESIDENT, AND THE PILOTS IN THE COCKPIT. ALL THREE ARE NOW ARMORED.

Sam: Pilot, what's our speed, and how far out are we?

Pilot 1: Uh... over nine-hundred-thousand kilometers per hour and accelerating. We're just past Luna.

President: Even better than I expected. Did you know I have a PhD in every subject known to man?

Pilot Jenkins: No, I didn't. But why don't you two get down to your rooms? We'll handle this.

Sam: I'm fine with that. Let's go, Mr. President.

SAM AND THE PRESIDENT GET UP AND LEAVE. RIGHT AFTER THEY LEAVE, JENKINS' UNIVERSAL COMMUNICATOR BEGINS BUZZING.
Jenkins: What is it, Master Frankenstein?

Frankenstein: Release the bears.

Jenkins: The bears... you... you mean... the mutants? The rapping ones that fire lasers and have machine guns in their shoulders? I thought we were smuggling those to Pluto?

Frankenstein: RELEASE THEM!

JENKINS CLOSES THE UNIVERSAL COMMUNICATOR AND PRESSES THE HUGE GLOWING RED BUTTON ON THE DASHBOARD. CUT TO THE PRESIDENT AND SAM IN THE CARGO AREA.

Sam: What was that?

President: Huh?!

A BEAR LEAPS OUT OF AN OPEN BOX.

Bear: Yo! I be representin' the bear NATION! We're hungr-ay, dawg! Me and my homies want some human flesh for tonight's dinna! (in rhythm with the background music)

President: What? It's speaking an extinct dialect!

THE BEAR OPENS ITS MOUTH WIDE.

Bear: I'M A-FIRIN' MY LASER!

THE BEAR FIRES A MASSIVE BEAM OF LIGHT THROUGH THE PRESIDENT'S KNEE BEFORE SWALLOWING HIM WHOLE!

Bear: You're next!

SAM DODGE THE BEAR'S SLASH. THE BEAR SPROUTS MACHINE GUNS FROM ITS SHOULDERS AND FIRES. SAM'S ARMOR SPROUTS WINGS AND HE FLIES BEHIND THE BEAR BEFORE SLICING ITS HEAD OFF WITH A LASER SWORD.

Sam: Mr. President... I will avenge you! I'll find the person who put this bear on this submarine and kill them!

CUT TO THE COCKPIT. PAN A LITTLE. THEN, CUT TO A RANDOM IMAGE OF DRACULA BEFORE CUTTING BACK AND PANNING TO JENKINS' AND FRANKENSTEIN'S CORPSES IN THE CENTER OF A BLOODY FLOOR COVERED WITH THE DEAD, THE DYING, AND BEARS, ALL OF WHICH HAVE ACTIVE MACHINE GUNS. THE COCKPIT IS FILLED WITH laser BURNS. THERE IS BLOOD ON THE CAMERA LENS. A BEAR ATTACKS THE CAMERA AND WE CUT BACK TO SAM.

SAM IS WALKING THROUGH A HALL. HE HEARS FOOTSTEPS.
Sam: Who's there? Help! There was a horrible mutant bear-

SAM STOPS WHEN HE SEES ANOTHER BEAR.

Bear: Yo! You killed my homie! Man, you gonna get a whoopin'!(in sync with the BGM)

THE BEAR LUNGES AT SAM. IT DOES SEVERAL SWEEPS WITH ITS MACHINE GUNS, BUT SAM SKILLFULLY DODGES. IN DEPARATION, IT OPENS ITS MOUTH.

Bear: I'M A-FIRIN' MY LASER!

THE BEAR FIRES ITS LASER. IT BLOWS OFF SAM'S LEFT WING, BUT HE NARROWLY DODGES. HE SLICES IT IN HALF.

Sam: I'm sick and tired of these mother-****ing bears on this mother-****ing submarine!

SAM RIPS A MACHINE GUN OUT OF THE BEAR CORPSE'S SHOULDER. HE PROCEEDS FORWARD.

Sam: I have to get to the cockpit to request additional support...

CUT TO THE COCKPIT. SAM IS IN SHOCK AT THE MASSACRE.

Sam: The bears got here first...

SAM GETS AT A COMMUNICATION TERMINAL.

Sam: Earth? EARTH? This is Sam! Horrible mutant rapping bears that fire laser beams and can sprout machine guns have taken over the submarine! Earth? Earth? EARTH?!

A BEAR IS BEHIND SAM.

Bear: Yo! We cut yo' connection! Dis' Submarine be headin' back to Earth! Now... you look tasty!(in sync with the BGM)

Sam: Noooooo! You... you'll kill them all!

SAM SHOOTS THE BEAR. PROCEEDING TO THE COURSE PLOTTING SYSTEM, HE CONTINUES TO SHOOT EVERY BEAR HE SEES, BUT MORE KEEP APPEARING. HE RUNS OUT OF AMNO SHORTLY BEFORE REACHING THE COURSE PLOTTING SYSTEM.

Sam: I... I can't survive them all. They'll just kill me. There's only one chance to save the planet.

SAM SETS A COURSE FOR A NEARBY STAR. HE THEN DESTROYS THE CONTROLS WITH A LASER SWORD.

Sam: Come and get me, you monsters! We'll both die either way!

THE SCREEN GOES BLACK. WE HEAR A ROAR AND A THUD, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF BREAKING METAL AND CHEWING NOISES. CUT TO A SCENE OUTSIDE THE SUBMARINE. KEEP THE CAMERA CENTERED ON THE BACK OF THE SUB. THE SUB IS HEADING STRAIGHT INTO A STAR, WHERE IT IS CONSUMED BY THE HEAT AND EVAPORATES.

-FIN-
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Last edited by Crazy Weavile; 07-01-2008 at 11:10 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-01-2008, 10:51 AM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

I'm pretty sure that "We see" is not proper camera direction.
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Old 07-01-2008, 11:09 AM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

...Thank you for pointing that out, actually.

*fixes*
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  #4  
Old 07-01-2008, 06:42 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

.........What the crap? This is stupid. Therefore, I LOVE IT!! =D
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Old 07-01-2008, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

Not a good critic on scrips, but why is it in a quotation?
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  #6  
Old 07-01-2008, 09:33 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

Just so you can know where the intro stops and the script itself starts.
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  #7  
Old 07-02-2008, 01:29 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

oO Lulz 8D

Um, you do know that thing they're on is commonly referred to as a rocket? ^^ Otherwise, very lulz. And the capitals for the narrating/instructing is kind of annoying, maybe bold?
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Old 07-02-2008, 04:03 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

That's a dumb story, so I like it. Especially the rapping bears idea.
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Old 07-03-2008, 02:03 AM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

Sad thing is, if a Hollywood director came on here and saw this, they would say, "Brilliant! Lets go make it into a movie!"

...And it would be a hit XD
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Old 07-03-2008, 02:07 AM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

I would seriously pay good money to see this movie.

XDDD
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:37 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

Quote:
Originally Posted by Icalasari View Post
Sad thing is, if a Hollywood director came on here and saw this, they would say, "Brilliant! Lets go make it into a movie!"

...And it would be a hit XD
It's a bit short for a movie, though I can't think of how this idea could be longer.
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:50 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

That just...


...



...What. The. Hell. Was. That?
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  #13  
Old 07-04-2008, 06:17 AM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

Rolling on the floor laughing, AKA ROFL. If only there was a sequel... the world would be complete.
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Old 07-05-2008, 02:03 PM
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Default Re: Bears On A Submarine

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArtificialFlavour View Post
I'm pretty sure that "We see" is not proper camera direction.
Actually, I'm fairly sure it is; the only script I have on hand uses "we hear", "we track", and a few others. Admittedly not see explicitly, but I'm not sure why it wouldn't be used. ETA: Wait, one instance of "we see"! :o
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