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In Progress Where I will dump all my Leech Child stuff

Leech Child is the story I'm working on currently. Basically it takes place in a world heavily inspired by Japanese myth, but a lot of western fantasy influence as well.

Right now before I start the story I'm working on understanding the characters (this project has actually been going for several years now and I still don't get them, goddamn autism) and honing my voice. This post is about voice.

I want to know if this sounds natural to you. Don't worry about understanding the terms at the moment - just read it, see if you get a feel for the character described and the words being said. Mostly, I want to know if it sounds generic or not...

-----


"Look, you've got to believe me!" he was panting even harder now, cold sweat dripping from his brow and down onto the bandanna around his neck. "Everyone's dead in Kumo Village... My mom's dead, my dad's dead, and it's all because of-" he paused suddenly, and then swallowed everything he was going to say back down into his lungs.

"Because of what?", the guard asked. "We don't have time for this kind of crap. If you need somewhere to stay, go to the slums"

He gulped again. his eight legs skittered in place on the wooden floor. Ren watched him ball up his hands into fists, fists not out of anger but fear. It was the kind of fear that you only see in someone running for their life - or perhaps a tsuchigumo coming to their enemy simply out of desperation.
 
This was done fairly quickly... I feel I should have gone more in-depth on Aoi and Gorou's "friendship" (not sure if that's the word for it, considering Gorou is her pet) but I feel it's decent as-is.

Done for Runaway Tales, prompts were Sangira 18 (I am terrified by this dark thing That sleeps in me - Sylvia Plath), Cranberry 13 (The Hanged Man)

Once again, don't worry about the terms. This time I want to see what feelings this evokes in the reader.

"Hayato's wife... is she home? Y'know, the lady of the house?", he said. A young Aoi had opened the door to reveal an oni boy who was barely older than her. He stood slumped over, shaking and sweating and moving his clawed fingers erratically.
"My mom's home, yeah, do you need somethin'?", Aoi said.
"Yes-" his speech faltered and he coughed onto the sleeve of his perfectly pressed Akamachi Army uniform. "I need to talk to her... it's official stuff"
Aoi opened the door and let the boy into the large wooden hut, though she could tell that his shoes wouldn't take well to the straw and sticks on the floor.

Aoi's mother sent her into her room when she saw the uniform-wearing standing in their kitchen.

"Aoi, honey, I need you to go to your room, okay?", her mother said.
"I don't want to go. He's just going to say that dad has to stay in Akamachi for a few more weeks, right?"
"Aoi, shush. Go to your room"

Aoi ran to her room the moment she felt tears in her eyes. She didn't dare look back at her mother.

Several minutes passed, during which Aoi let Gorou onto the floor. The miniature kappa stumbled across the straw-covered floor and Aoi ran her claws gently across his soft shell. Gorou reached up to Aoi, pointing to her reddened eyes.
"You're so smart, Gorou", she said, smiling. The pet kappa grinned back.

Aoi had put Gorou back into his tank and tiptoed back out to the kitchen when she collided with her mom. Her mother jolted, but then realized who it was and took a deep breath.
She stared up at her mother's face, her dark blue feathers gleaming with tears. She was about to open her mouth and ask what was going on when her mother spoke.
"The oni soldier left, Aoi. He told me that Hayato... your father, was killed by one of the prototype kitsune. He's dead, Aoi"
The young tengu stood still for a second, still staring at her mother, beak hanging open.
"You're wrong", Aoi said. "You're wrong"
"I'm not lying", her mother said. "Please don't take this too hard-"
Aoi was already gone, leaving a deafening screech and a series of talon prints on the floor in her wake. Her mother rushed over to the door of her room and fiddled with the knob, but it was locked. She could hear her daughter screaming and crying behind the door, and the sounds of glass breaking and wooden furniture being flung against the wall.
"Aoi, come out!" she screamed, crying and bashing her fists against the door. "We can talk about this, please!"

Aoi's room was a warzone. Shards of glass and plywood lay on the floor and Aoi stomped on them as she ran around in a frenzy, cutting her tough, taloned feet. She took a last look around. Everything was broken, and she let out a sigh of relief, closing her eyes - except when she opened them again, there it was: Gorou's tank.

Aoi approached the glass fishtank, and grabbed the sides. Gorou was sound asleep, but the movement jolted him awake. Aoi lifted the tank above her head and screamed one last time as she threw it against the wall.

And there it was - Gorou sprawled on the floor, waving his little webbed feet in the air. Aoi looked down at him, her eyes empty and dark like the tropical bird she resembled. Aoi picked up Gorou in her claws, and the kappa reached for her face, glancing at her with his large, open eyes. Aoi's hand slowly closed, and as Gorou cried in the darkness of her palm, Aoi squeezed tighter.

Aoi's mother finally managed to break into her daughter's room, where Aoi was laying on a bamboo mat on the floor. Dark red blood covered almost all of her body and feathers, with the exception of her hands - they were stained dark blue.

"Aoi, are you okay? Please, tell me you're okay! I'm so sorry, please, forgive me-"

"Nothing's wrong, mom"

Aoi's mother reached her wide, feathered arms around her child and held tightly. No words were exchanged - for the sake of Gorou, there weren't any that needed to be said.
 
The first part definitely sounds natural. Not sure what's going on, but I like the tone and I'm interested in the character. The "eight legs" part threw me off for a second, but I'm sure that would not have been the case had I read the story from the beginning. Anyway I remember reading some of your plot and character notes and such that you had posted on PMFOmega, so this is ringing a bell. I'm excited to see it put together; it had always been intriguing. =3

The second part I like as well. It invokes a bit of fear and a sense of panic, especially when Aoi flings herself in her room and destroys everything, even her pet. (Poor Gorou! =[ ) I also get the impression that Aoi's mom is a very strong character, because of the manner in which she sent Aoi to her room and tried to comfort her first even when she had found out that her husband had been killed.

I think what would give it an extra punch is a little more of Aoi's feelings. Maybe she could be fearful when she lets the boy in. Maybe she knows what news the boy could bring (I'm assuming she does have some kind of idea) but tries to brush it away with something of what she says later on (He's just going to say that dad has to stay in Akamachi for a few more weeks, right?) Or perhaps when she says that line of dialog, you could add in something like, "Her voice quivered, trying to believe her own words," or just something that implies that she's scared of the news. But I don't know this character all that well; maybe she wouldn't do that or something.

So anyway. Just some suggestions, but I like this already and I'm eager to read more. =D
 
Chapter 1 of this version of the actual book:

Ren watched from behind a glass wall as the two cops interrogated the stranger. In his time in the city of Akamachi, Ren had never seen anything like the subject of the interrogation - short, strawberry blonde hair that framed a freckled face, but most odd was the stranger's lower body, where Ren's kind would normally have legs, there was only the abdomen and legs of a spider. He had only heard legends of these people, only stories of their betrayal and hatred and the death they brought in the wake of their massive armies. And they had only ever gone by one name, as a group -
Tsuchigumo.

But this was different, this was a single tsuchigumo, about his age, maybe a bit younger. This wasn't a massive army, this was just a boy, like Ren, trying to survive.

And what the policemen were doing would have been cruel to any boy, whether he was of a killer race or a plain oni.

"You'll tell me what you were doing here, or else you're going to have to report directly to the army, and they don't take kindly to you spider-legs". The first cop slammed his fist down on the table to drive his point home, then scraped his claws across the metal on the table's surface, making a terrible screeching noise that caused the tsuchigumo to cover his ears.

"I was trying to get help, okay? My whole village is dead... you oni think this counts as 'help'?"

"Likely story", the other policeman said. He snorted, scrunching his red face up into a snarl. "What kind of tsuchigumo comes to Akamachi for help? A spy, that's who"

"Shut up! I'm not a spy", the tsuchigumo yelled, pressing both his hands against the table.

The first policeman brought his face up to the boy's, grinning wide across his blue face. "Well then, you'd better tell us what you are, because if you don't start talking, then I'm gonna have to take out the club"

Ren knocked his fist against the glass until it caught the cops' attention. The two, the blue and red oni, turned to him, and he silently mouthed the word "stop".

The blue-skinned cop backed up until he was close to the metal wall on the other side of the room. "You serious?", he whispered.

"The empress won't like it if we disobey her son. Let's go. The prisoner's shackled to the wall, anyways", the red oni cop whispered.

The two cops exited through the glass door, then walked upstairs through a heavily-armored metal gate. On their way out, the red one handed Ren the key to the glass door.

The tsuchigumo boy looked through the glass at Ren. Without the cops partially blocking his view, Ren saw that the boy's waist was connected to the wall by a large shackle and chain, similar to the kind they used on the gaki - if he came too close to the glass, the shackle would shock him, and bad.

Ren took a deep breath and unlocked the glass door and walked through.

"I believe you", he told the spider boy.

The boy stared at Ren, mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Close-up it was obvious Ren was different than the other oni: greyish-orange skin, a thinner frame, and horns that curved ever so slightly.

"I'm not going to hurt you. Or send you to the army or anything", Ren said.

The boy was still silent, glancing back and forth between Ren and the shackle that held him to the wall. Then, with a fast and deliberate movement, he reached out to touch Ren's shoulder.

The noise that ensued was deafening, and the boy lurched back, shaking and cowering in the corner.

"Don't touch me, you'll only get shocked", Ren told the boy.

The tsuchigumo looked up and nodded, teeth still clenched from the pain of the electrocution. Ren sat down on the floor next to the boy, close enough to see his face clearly, but not close enough to give another shock.

"First off, tell me your name", Ren said.

"Madara", the boy replied. "Madara of the Lycosid clan"

"Okay, Madara. Tell me why you came to us for help"

"Well, okay. It happened a few days ago..."
 
Interesting start to the story. I like the different creatures; I can tell that there is a lot of hidden (as of yet) history and other details about them, and I enjoy the sense of "there's more to this world than meets the eye."

It seems like you're just starting the story, at least the actual book itself - are you interested in constructive criticism right now? Or would you rather write more first?
 
Criticism would be fine, just don't expect me to edit based on it at this point in time.

I have a lot of the plot and character development planned out, so I know what will happen. I just really hate the process of writing, so I just started working on it. P:

(I know I have issues with description. I find it the most BORING thing ever, but any help with that would be nice)
 
Rewrite of chapter 1




Ren glanced into the glass cell wall at the boy with the spider's body. Before the other boy noticed him, Ren turned his head away, drumming his claws against the wooden coffee table.

The other three cells were empty, the shackles in each hanging from the back walls. Water dripped from the ceiling above the occupied cell, splashing into a bucket on the floor. Ren turned his head away again, eyes almost catching the other boy's gaze.

Ren rubbed his forehead. He felt another headache coming on. It wasn't enough to warrant taking a pill, but the throbbing in his brain was still making him want to bash his horns against one of the cell walls. Coffee would fix this, if he had access to it right now. He was told to keep watch over the prisoner.

How do I watch something I've never seen?, he thought.

Ren turned back to look at the boy. The prisoner was probably the strangest thing Ren had seen in a while - blonde hair with a tinge of red, pale skin with freckles, and no horns or claws. Most strikingly was his lower body, which was that of a spider's - not the boring brown kind Ren used to catch in the palace, but a bright yellow, purple and black, patterned with circles within rings.

Ren had only heard legends of this species: of their betrayal, xenophobia and the destruction they brought in the wake of their massive armies. And in his history books and bogeyman stories, they had only gone by one name as a group - Tsuchigumo.

The tsuchigumo finally noticed Ren's gaze and looked straight at him. The spider-boy's mouth was half-open, showing two short, black fangs. He brought his shoulders back, and Ren could see his chest - bare with the exception of a red bandanna around his neck - move with each heavy breath. It was similar to the display Ren had seen the city's larger spiders do when cornered. They would bare their fangs and bring their front legs up to try and scare off any attackers.

Ren perked his pointed ears. The basement door had creaked slightly.

"Hey, Saburo?" Ren glanced up at the stairs behind him. "That you?" He pushed the wooden stool back under the coffee table and stood up.

"Yes, sir." A low, grating voice responded, getting closer with every footstep. "I'm sorry. I'm getting old, y'know." A scarred and red-skinned figure descended onto the basement's concrete floor. He sighed and scratched the base of one of his horns.

"I keep telling you I don't want to be called 'sir'," Ren said, looking up at Saburo.

"You'd better get used to that kind of authority. They're going to be calling you emperor soon." Saburo lumbered over to the cell containing the tsuchigumo. "You're coming too."

Ren's eyes widened. "Why? I don't know anything about the tsuchigumo."

Saburo snorted. "Exactly."

They both entered the cell, and Ren closed and locked the shatterproof glass door behind them. Besides the obviuos perks, the empress's son gets a lot of cool stuff, he thought, putting the ring of keys in the pocket of his hakama pants.

"As a member of the Akamachi police unit I permit you to speak," Saburo said. "Tell us your name and your clan."

The tsuchigumo's mouth opened, then snapped shut. Saburo rubbed his balding head.

"I said, I permit you to speak. Look, I don't have all day here, I have to report back to the cheif in an hour and a half." Saburo said.

"M-Madara. Of the Lycosid clan." His words came out quickly, and Ren had a hard time understanding them.

Saburo took a small book from one of the pockets of his large police vest. He shoved it in Ren's general direction, frowning. "See if you can find anything on the Lycosid in here."

Ren started to flip through the untitled book. From what he saw, it was all about the different tsuchigumo clans and their relation to the other species, mostly the oni. The pages of the book were a stark white and the text black. Ren's head began to throb again.

"So, Madara, what happened that made you end up in our fine city? I'm sure you know you spider-legs aren't welcome here," Saburo said.

"Uhm, I was going back to my burrow, and uh, everyone was dead, so I wandered for a while to look for help. I ended up on some guy's farm and the police brought me here."

Saburo crossed his arms. "I need every little detail, Madara. Right now I figure I could just call you a spy and have you executed. Of course, I'm not that kind of guy. Tell me your whole story"

"Found it," Ren mumbled, hand on his forehead. "Says the Lycosid are a clan that defected from the other Tsuchigumo clans during the Kumo Wars. They apparently didn't agree with the Minister at the time."

"Never heard of 'em," Saburo said. "So, Madara tell us how you ended up here."

"Uh, I guess it started when I was coming home from hunting alone..."

*****

Blood was everywhere on the burrow's surface. There was so much blood that Madara was afraid to descend; afraid to even touch the stained silk trapdoor that enclosed his home.
But then he heard a second roar, and he knew he had to.

Sidling into the trapdoor and climbing down its gentle slope, hands pressing against the dirt walls, Madara smelled the tang of tsuchigumo blood. It was the same smell he remembered when he cut his finger on a dagger training, only worse.

Madara opened the final trapdoor at the end of the stone staircase. The underground home of his clan lay in ruins, the huts and houses tromped on by what he could only imagine as the feet of a giant lizard. Bodies lay everywhere on the cobblestone paths, tsuchigumo with the lower halves of their bodies crushed, exoskeletons ruined by the brute force of something much larger.

He glanced around the dirt cavern and saw something moving in the shadows. He pulled a

A worm-like dragon, its body curled around the cavern. Its black scaled glimmered from the light of the underground gas-lamps. Its body moved slowly like a snake, still tired from digesting its last meal. Its eyes were a dark, clouded over blue.

He didn't have long to think about the dragon, though, because as soon as it has been there, it had gone. Madara shook his head. Had the dragon been there at all? Was it a hallucination, a figment of a crazed mind? Still the bodies remained, the blood and the darkness of the cracked gas-lamps. He heard a scuffle of feet in the distance, but nothing more. The cavern was silent.

Madara hopped down from the staircase and began to survey the damage. His parents seemed to have escaped, as he didn't see their bodies anywhere, but many others lay dead. The kind old man next door, his ex-girlfriend, even the janitor for the elementary school, the one that every young tsuchigumo knew on a titular basis.

Before Madara left, one thing caught his eye - a blue downy feather, tainted by the blood spatter from a dying tsuchigumo.

He put the feather away, then heard another roar, and decided it was in his best interests to run.

He ran back up the underground passage. In his haste his hair became matted with blood and dirt and his bare chest - along with the red bandanna he always wore around his neck - got covered in thick, black, clayish mud. By the time he managed to push up on the trapdoor he had slipped several times and gotten his spindly legs and waistcloth muddy as well.

Madara walked for a few days, hopeful that he'd see another burrow that he could ask for help, but he saw no openings in the grass or dirt. He had heard that his clan moved farther west before he was born, far away from the clans that had instigated the war against the other species. But as the air around him started to taste of seawater he wondered if he had wandered too far.

As he wandered, he saw several large block-like structures rise above the horizon, faded blue against the sky. He stopped to marvel at the strange shapes. What were they, and why were they so large? The answer to his question must lie towards the setting sun.

There was a man up ahead wearing a straw hat. Through the tall grass, Madara could only see his upper body, which was colored red. A sunburned tsuchigumo?

"Excuse me!", he yelled out.

The man turned toward him and raised the straw hat off of his head in a greeting. As Madara got closer, he saw the smile on the man's face slowly change into a look of horror. Upon approaching, Madara thought he recognized the stranger.

The man with a straw hat was an ogrelike creature with red skin. Tusks extended out from his lower jaw, and straight, red horns sat on top of his forehead. Instead of the spidery body of the tsuchigumo, he had a straight lower body and two legs. Madara had only heard stories of these people, of their lust for power, their wartime brutality and betrayal and genocide of the humans. And in the bogeyman stories he had always heard as a child, they had gone by one name, as a group -
Oni.

But now he knew they weren't legend. They were as real as the man before him, the same man who took the blunt end of a hoe and sent it flying towards the back of his head.
 
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