Eifie vs. Music Dragon II: A Battle of Wits

oh wait crap this is BAD. so bad. but yeah, the King should have used Psychic on the second and third action as well, right? (that's what I meant initially, haha, because for some reason I thought Sunny Day was used without conditionals on the first action)

You're doing great, Barfie. :3 I think now is a good time to use up the free turn a Swagger will grant us! If your opponent somehow gets up a Safeguard or Substitute before you move, zap him with a Thunderbolt instead, and if he's protecting just sit there cutely. And your opponent shouldn't be able to move before you, but in case he does, Natural Gift if there are clones. (I declare that the sit there cutely should not count as a conditional! It is cute, and also I could technically word my commands so that Barfie has nothing to do if there is a Protect anyway, but then his doing nothing might not be so cute.)

Next, if you didn't successfully hit with Swagger before, do so now. Otherwise, or if he has a Safeguard or Substitute or is unhittable in some other way, I would like to see an adorable Ba-rain Dance! This is not to be confused with any special dances they may have in Bahrain. Your dance is supposed to actually make it rain, you see. And idk if you can't do what you're supposed to do, just Natural Gift. Why not?

Finally, if it's raining, roar your rage to the skies with a Thunder! If he is unhittable, though, idk. Just sit there cutely some more. And if it's not raining but you've successfully hit with Swagger, use Rain Dance now, and otherwise if he doesn't have a Safeguard or Substitute up try a Swagger. If he does, though, just see if you can hit with Thunder anyway, I guess.

Oh yeah, and I like your hat.

Swagger / Thunderbolt / Natural Gift ~ Swagger / Rain Dance / Natural Gift ~ Thunder / Rain Dance / Swagger

Hoohoohoo! I'm going to be brief because I've got a lot going on in the Real World (as opposed to the Dream World). Let's start off with Psycho Shift to get rid of those awful, awful toxins. You really need to get yourself a cup-bearer, Your Majesty. As soon as you've successfully done that - which should happen on your second action - let's do something stupid and use Trick, just because I'm curious about what will happen. Finally, should you happen to have any actions left, just go back to Psychic.

Psycho Shift ~ Psycho Shift / Trick ~ Psycho Shift / Trick / Psychic

Eifie (O)

Barfie (m) <Gluttony> @ Lansat Berry
Health: 47%
Energy: 51%
Currently: Blinking the spots out of his eyes. Has an Electric typed Hidden Power. Wearing a tiny cap.
Commands: Swagger / Thunderbolt / Natural Gift (/ sit cutely) ~ Swagger / Rain Dance / Natural Gift ~ Thunder / Rain Dance / Swagger (/ sit cutely)

Music Dragon (O)

King of Hearts (m) <Magic Guard>
Health: 42%
Energy: 42%
Currently: Flitting around the clearing placidly. Poisoned (toxic: 4% this round, 5% next.) Has a Dragon typed Hidden Power. Wielding the Crimson Shimmer Sword of Majestic Fairy Sun ~ Platinum Natural Star.
Commands: Psycho Shift ~ Psycho Shift / Trick ~ Psycho Shift / Trick / Psychic

Field Notes
-Small piles of charred and uncharred fur have collected around the clearing.


As soon as he recovers from King of Hearts's attack, Barfie barks sharply to catch his opponent's attention. Once the Sigilyph has turned his way, he sing-songs, "Hahaa! I'm cuter than you are! And your sword is totally uncute, too. If you're a king, you have to be cute, but you're not cute, so you can't be a king!" King of Hearts flaps a little closer, ready to offer the thirty-seven rebuttals he's specifically prepared in case of this situation, but Barfie continues before he can respond. "That's a Law of Logic, and it's named after an old person because it's named after an old person. Relatedly? You aren't cute because you aren't cute. See, I actually passed tautology class, but apparently you didn't, because you're not cute. Also, I wear hats. Are you cute or not?" Barfie grins and keeps going, to King's confusion and, soon, chagrin. "Definitely not, because you aren't. (If you were wondering, your sword isn't cute or fabulous either. It's un-fabulo-cute!) Oh, oh, and, um…"

King of Hearts hopes this trailing off means that the Zigzagoon is finally running out of steam, but Barfie soon opens his mouth again. "I'll be frank with you here. (It's funny because my name isn't Frank.) What you did to my friend—the magician, you remember him?—was mean. And I used to be a magician, you know, because I used to be a magician. They called me a conjuror, but you're not cute!" The Zigzagoon goes on with his tirade, but King stops listening, instead letting his rage build up and boil over like… like a pot of pasta water without pasta! The thought makes him want to gesture dramatically towards everything in anger and righteously shout to the heavens something along the lines of See, this poser's got me so riled up I can't even come up with good similes! In frustration, the Sigilyph gives up trying to sharpen the Crimson Shimmer Sword of Majestic Fairy Sun in preparation for revenge and drops it, confident that Barfie won't be able to get any more insult fodder out of that train of thought. (He is wrong.) After a minute more of jabbering on about all sorts of not even tangentially related topics, connected by the bare and long-dead-horseish thread of King's uncuteness, Barfie finishes with a gleam in his eye: "…and what all that adds up to mean is, drumroll please, I'm cuter than you are! …Obviously, since that's what I said in the beginning."

This dreadful statement is the last straw on the metaphorical camel's back, resulting in said camel becoming a camel deity to the other camels, who rebel agains the people, who're just wondering where and why they wanted to ship so many straws. (Perhaps that wasn't the best way of extending the metaphor, given the current situation, but it works, kind of.) King of Hearts flaps down and bodily grabs the Crimson Shimmer Sword of Majestic Shimmer Sun, which burns and sizzles a large patch on his wing. With a shout, the incensed Sigilyph swoops down with no hint of the finesse or fluidity with which he handled the sword before, taking obviously-too-long strokes and wide swipes that Barfie is easily able to dodge. After a while more of futile effort, the hard light's prickly burning sensation becomes too much, and King of Hearts flings his sword away with a hiss to tend to his wound.

Meanwhile, Barfie laughs and runs circles around the injured Sigilyph, laying the groundwork for his next maneuver: a faint trail of bluish energy seeping into the ground around him, becoming more opaque as time passes. One moment, the sky is as clear as ever, the island neither too hot nor too cold. The next, the circle of blue lights up, shooting like a shimmering neon wall into the suddenly gray clouds gathering overhead before fading away. It starts to rain, a light patter at first but quickly building into a stormy downpour heavier than anyone present has experienced before. The water comes down in sheets, each individual drop stinging when it hits bare skin (or, in the cases of Barfie and King, fur and feathers) and turning the dirt and dust around the clearing into pools of aqueous muck. Within moments, everyone is drenched, and the storm shows no signs of stopping.

Barfie grins and shakes out some excess water, delighted his move worked, while King of Hearts retreats into the not-very-sheltering boughs of the great tree and extends a few psychic feelers. It's about time he got rid of this awful nauseating sensation, and he bets there's somewhere in the world where making it rain and poisoning kings are both illegal. Outlaws cannot be tolerated! Across the field, Barfie is flung into the air with a yelp as King's mental state hits him like a bodily blow, and as the purplish patch on the Sigilyph's face fades and shrinks, a similar blotch blossoms across Barfie's nose. King of Hearts sighs, contented that he's finally rid of that, before noticing his target glaring at him, hackles raised and teeth bared. Without warning, a narrow yellow beam shoots upward from Barfie's back, filled with the Zigzagoon's energy; once the electricity has reached the clouds, he settles back down with a low bark as a few stray bits of static crackle about his fur. King hears a sharp, impossibly loud crackle from above—and then the bolt hits him in a flash of white, driving his face into the muddy ground like a too-large hammer. He can't close his eyes fast enough and ends up having to blink a murky film out of them, in too much pain to think of doing much else, let alone lifting off again…

The dazed Sigilyph just lies there for a few minutes, and upon regaining control of his muscles, he flaps back upward wearily, his third eye drooping. Well, if he isn't going to win this with force of will or brute force, he might as well embarrass the Zigzagoon. King of Hearts adopts his best annoying-salesperson face and flies over, imbuing his words with a faint psychic suggestion. "Hi there! Would you like this sphere of air? It's a great deal, one for just the price of… Oh, you don't look like you have enough money to buy it outright, but I'd gladly give it to you for that berry!" Of course, Barfie accepts, and King hands over his "sphere of air" before swooping in and snatching the berry. He munches thoughtfully on the snack as Barfie's expression morphs from triumphant to agitated and then furious just as King finishes the last bite, tossing the stem and leaves into a mud puddle by the tree with a smirk. The two battlers face off and glare pointedly at each other as the referee lowers her flags to end the round. While Barfie is healthier, the toxins King had transferred to him with look like they're already taking their toll, and the Zigzagoon is in a notably worse mood after the trick his opponent played on him…

Eifie (O)

Berryless Barfie (m) <Gluttony>
Health: 45%
Energy: 35%
Currently: More than ready to avenge his lost berry. Poisoned (toxic: 5%* this round, 6% next.) Has an Electric typed Hidden Power. Wearing a tiny cap.
Used: Swagger ~ Rain Dance ~ Thunder

Music Dragon (O)

King of Hearts (m) <Magic Guard>
Health: 17%
Energy: 36%
Currently: Fluttering around, guard up. Has a Dragon typed Hidden Power.
Used: (confused) ~ Psycho Shift ~ Trick

Field Notes
-It is raining (7 more actions.) Several patches of mucky and swamplike ground have formed as a result.
-The Crimson Shimmer Sword of Majestic Fairy Sun is lying on the ground near the tree, glowing as brightly as ever. A Pokemon who picks it up gains +20 Appeal, +3 Spirit, and +10% to their Magic and Luck growths and can use the special technique Natural Platinum Star, but loses 3 MP after every action in addition to their movement reduction and/or retreat cost, if any.
-Small piles of charred and uncharred fur have collected around the clearing. They're all wet now, though.

Action Notes
*: Ingame, Psycho Shift resets the poison counter, but I thought it would make more flavor sense for it to stay at the same severity. Because of the way I handle spreading toxic poison damage through the actions, this meant that King took 3% poison damage this round and Barfie took 2%. I don't think the "a Pokemon can't be poisoned with its own poison" rule really applies here, but if it does, let me know.
-I actually checked that everyone could learn all the moves they used this time… Tell me if you spot any errors in this round :s
-As with Barfie's back in round 3, King's Attack boost faded after his confusion did.
-King's and Barfie's items, both illusory and not, have been swapped, and I don't think there's anything to be lost by revealing the new items here, since both of you know what your Pokemon were originally holding, so King is now holding a Lucky Egg and Barfie an Iron Ball. The illusory Lansat Berry has been eaten by King, but since Lucky Eggs aren't consumable, he didn't actually.
-Also, once the battle ends, I'll publicly reveal who's behind the illusions, unless one of you has an objection?

MD commands next.

Haha! I knew it was an Iron Ball! Alas, your Majesty, it is too late!

Ugh! A Lucky Egg!? How disappointing! These things are a dime a dozen! And apparently they're not even edible!? You refs will take any excuse to prevent me from eating, won't you...

Well, Your Majesty, they leave us no choice - bring out the Royal Artillery! I want every Flash Cannon, Zap Cannon, Hydro Cannon and Spike Cannon we have ready to fire and I want them ready ten minutes ago!

What? What do you mean "we only have Flash Cannons"? Really? ... Then perhaps it's over. Hmm! You're tougher than you look, Barfie! But hope springs eternal.

Lead with Hypnosis, My King! We're allowed to inflict Sleep once, so we might as well try to do it. You should be faster than Barfie too, but if he can't be Hypnotized for whatever reason, fall back on Future Sight. And if he attempts some sort of combo that would strike you down in one hit, you need to Protect.

On your second action: if Barfie's asleep, use Dream Eater and target Energy; if he's awake but can be Hypnotized, try to Hypnotize him again; and if he's awake and can't be Hypnotized, use Psychic and cry regally.

On your last action: if Barfie's asleep, use Dream Eater and again target Energy; if he's awake but can be Hypnotized, try to Hypnotize him one last time; otherwise, use Protect and pray to all the gods.

For the King!

Hypnosis / Future Sight / Protect ~ Dream Eater (energy) / Hypnosis / Psychic ~ Dream Eater (energy) / Hypnosis / Protect

All right, Barfie, you can only be put to sleep once, and it's only going to last two actions at most, so instead of trying anything tricky, let's do this. Let him hypnotize you. Stare into the wondrous third eye of a king... you'll never get another chance like this, you know? Well, okay, no. Try your very best to avoid that Hypnosis. It's only 60% accuracy, after all. Don't you dare let him hypnotize you! You're too cute for that!

If you manage to resist the allure of a King, thank him very much for an enjoyable battle by Flinging his kind gift at him. Amusingly, it's the only item powerful enough to knock him out, since Fling is a Dark-type attack! Haha! If you're asleep, just do nothing. We can't spare that much energy now.

If you wake up on the second action, go forth and Fling. If you're asleep, do nothing. On the third action you'll be awake for sure, and I'm not quite sure if he's going to Protect. If he does, make yourself a small Substitute as a buffer for next round. Otherwise, you know what to do. (And if you're still asleep, somehow, continue to do nothing.)

Fling / do nothing ~ Fling / do nothing ~ Substitute (10%) / Fling / do nothing

Eifie (O)

Barfie (m) <Gluttony>
Health: 45%
Energy: 35%
Currently: More than ready to avenge his lost berry. Poisoned (toxic: 5% this round, 6% next.) Has an Electric typed Hidden Power. Wearing a tiny cap.
Commands: Fling / do nothing ~ Fling / do nothing ~ Substitute (10%) / Fling / do nothing

Music Dragon (O)

King of Hearts (m) <Magic Guard>
Health: 17%
Energy: 36%
Currently: Fluttering around, guard up. Has a Dragon typed Hidden Power.
Commands: Hypnosis / Future Sight / Protect ~ Dream Eater (energy) / Hypnosis / Psychic ~ Dream Eater (energy) / Hypnosis / Protect

Field Notes
-It is raining (7 more actions.) Several patches of mucky and swamplike ground have formed as a result.
-The Crimson Shimmer Sword of Majestic Fairy Sun is lying on the ground near the tree, glowing as brightly as ever. A Pokemon who picks it up gains +20 Appeal, +3 Spirit, and +10% to their Magic and Luck growths and can use the special technique Natural Platinum Star, but loses 3 MP after every action in addition to their movement reduction and/or retreat cost, if any.
-Small piles of charred and uncharred fur have collected around the clearing. They're all wet now, though.



Eifie (O)

Barfie (m) <Quick Feet>
Health: 45%
Energy: 27%
Currently: Victorious!
Used: Fling (Iron Ball)

Music Dragon (x)

King of Hearts (m) <Tinted Lens> @ Lucky Egg
Health: 0%
Energy: 35%
Currently: Still regal, even in unconsciousness.
Used: Hypnosis (missed)

Field Notes
-It is raining (6 more actions.) Several patches of mucky and swamplike ground have formed as a result.
-An Iron Ball is resting upon King's fainted body.
-The Crimson Shimmer Sword of Majestic Fairy Sun is lying on the ground near the tree, glowing as brightly as ever. A Pokemon who picks it up gains +20 Appeal, +3 Spirit, and +10% to their Magic and Luck growths and can use the special technique Natural Platinum Star, but loses 3 MP after every action in addition to their movement reduction and/or retreat cost, if any.
-Small piles of charred and uncharred fur have collected around the clearing. They're all wet now, though.

Action Notes
-Fling was a critical hit, though it didn't matter.

And the scandalous revelations: Barfie was Barfie, and King of Hearts was King of Hearts. Shocking, right? In any case, I really liked this arena's gimmick, and it was fun seeing the battle progress! Thank you both for an entertaining match, and good game, everyone. Eifie gets $8, Omskivar and I get $2, and Music Dragon gets $4. Barfie receives 3 exp and 2 happiness, while King of Hearts gets 1 of each.

Haha! Truly we were meant to be adversaries! Thank you for a gripping battle of wits, MD and the King! Thank you for truly adorable reffing of my sweet little puppy, Omskivar and Keldeo!

And of course, Baaaaaaarfie. <3 You will be getting many snuggles tonight! (You are getting them as we speak, actually.) I knew your cuteness was enough to dethrone the most regal of kings!

The King is dead! Long live the King!

Barfie, you have earned the Crown of Hearts by slaying the former King in single combat. Wear it w - hmm, actually, your head is a bit too small for this thing. We'll, uh, get it refitted or something. Anyway. Go! Take the Iron Orb-and-Cross, and with it, claim your seat on the Throne of Farts! Hearts. Throne of Hearts.

Oh, and I must of course express my gratitude to Keldeo and The Omskivar for your fantastic efforts. You have my thanks!

And Eifie... This is not the end! I'll be back, with something even more powerful than a mere King or Doctor! Just you wait...!