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  #1  
Old 08-14-2010, 12:06 AM
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Default *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

Told in the POV of a five-year-old, lying in bed thinking about life.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I lay my head on my pillow, I could still hear Mommy and Daddy yelling at each other. Why did they have to fight all the time? They loved each other, right? Sometimes, I could walk in a room and feel the anger cover the room like my blankie covers me when I go to sleep. Sometimes, they would yell at me then get all sorry, try to make things right between me and them again. I've heard the word "divorce" many times. I don't know what it means, but I can tell by the way that they say it that it means something bad. It's getting worse every day; sometimes, they won't even talk to each other, beside yelling. They use the same tone of voice at each other that they use whenever I do something bad, like accidentally go in my pants or break the vase playing in the house. What did they do so wrong that they have to yell at each other all the time? Maybe Mommy broke a cup, or Daddy hit a golf ball through someone's window, like the kid down the street did. I don't know. I'm kinda tired now...
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Last edited by Grammar Nazi; 01-15-2011 at 11:32 PM.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:09 AM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

I like it. Props to you. I think it's cool that you balanced the sadness of a girl who's parents are fighting with stuff like
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They use the same tone of voice at each other that they use whenever I do something bad, like accidentally go in my pants or break the vase playing in the house.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:10 AM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

Yeah, I was trying to combine the innocence of a five-year-old with knowing something wrong is going on.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
The forum got herpes when I wasn't looking? >:/

I guess it was hooking up with Serebii again. Goddamn it.

Skiyomi of SerebiiForums for the Espeons.
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:11 AM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

Well, I think it blends together very well [/tryingtosoundolder]
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:43 PM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

that's actually extremely good, and I am the pickiest reader in the universe. My only suggestion is try finding different ways to word things than just saying "that tone of voice" all the time. I know you're trying to be five, but it will make it more interesting.
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Old 08-15-2010, 10:17 PM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

Thank you! It's nice to know my writing has gotten better than I thought it did. My LA2 (writing) teacher said I have pretty good talent... Plus, I want to be an author when I grow up, so C+CC and all that is crucial.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
The forum got herpes when I wasn't looking? >:/

I guess it was hooking up with Serebii again. Goddamn it.

Skiyomi of SerebiiForums for the Espeons.
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:26 PM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

I, honestly, really like that it's told from an innocent POV. Can't wait for more, if there is (i know it's one-shot, but I'd like more of this kind of writing from you.). You've got a talent. "tone of voice" doesn't sound very "5" to me. Maybe the 5-year-old's talking to a stuffed animal or something? I'd like to know.
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: *unnamed thing I came up with in bed last night*

@SonicNintendo: I never really thought about who she was talking to. Technically, I was just bored when I wrote this, and it's not even my best work. Which says something, if a lot of people like it. I could rewrite it so she's talking to an imaginary friend or something (as, since I did, I assume everyone (or at least a lot of people) had imaginary friends at five) I'm also going to write a short story with an idea I came up randomly to get really warmed up for NaNoWriMo. If I don't finish it by November, I'll just postpone it. But the general idea is your not-so-typical love story; so far what I have is a couple going out for popularity only; peer pressure and what-not. So they really don't like each other that well. Later in the relationship, though, they both find their true loves. This will be set in the age-range of high-school, around junior, even though I'm only in middle school, but I'll do the best I can based on descriptions of my own high-school my friend gave me. I'll even post the story on here.

Like the idea?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterfree View Post
The forum got herpes when I wasn't looking? >:/

I guess it was hooking up with Serebii again. Goddamn it.

Skiyomi of SerebiiForums for the Espeons.
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