The Cave of Dragonflies forums

Go Back   The Cave of Dragonflies forums > Creativity > Writing

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #21  
Old 09-19-2008, 12:09 AM
Furretsu's Avatar
Furretsu Furretsu is offline
World of Glass
 
Join Date: June 22, 2008
Location: United States
Age: 26
Posts: 1,284
Pronoun: Male
Furretsu is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twilight Dragon View Post
Listen guys, she didn't post here to get it proofread. There's this thing called typos, you know...

Anyways, all I can say has already been said.
This is a terrible attitude. By posting your fic in this forum, you agree that you're willing to accept criticism.
__________________
My account is now Retsu. I have created a new one to reflect my strive to change my attitude on this forum - hopefully you can aid me by letting me know if I seem to come off as too harsh.

By the way, Shirley Manson and Vibeke Stene still rule. :)
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 09-27-2008, 01:14 PM
Shadowstar's Avatar
Shadowstar Shadowstar is offline
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
 
Join Date: June 26, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1,016
Pronoun: She
Shadowstar is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via Yahoo to Shadowstar
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

A/N:New chapter! I hope I can maintain my readers' attention for this next exiting installment.(Things are heating up. A little)

Wow, two chapters in one month? That's a personal record.

------
As tension grew, Firestar couldn't take being silent about it anymore. He said: "I overheard the conversation between you and Cloudtail. You shouldn't hunt when you're so young, especially not alone! It's against the warrior code! And, if you please, young kit, please get out of this tree, you might hurt yourself. You also shouldn't break the warrior code." The kit just nodded 'no' in response.

"I don't have to."

The Clans that were present yowled in agreement, but the ShadowClan warrior Sunclaw stepped forward, looking at the kit as if she knew who it was - and she did. When she was an apprentice, the kit was only two days old. She knew the kit by name, scent and her unmistakeable appearance -- white with light grey stripes and blue eyes. "Starkit, please listen to reason and come down!" she shouted to the kit.

The kit seemed to listen to her and tried to dismount like the older cats, but slipped on the small branch she was on and fell plummeting to the ground. Luckily, one of the cats that was at the Gathering leaped out to catch Starkit. It was a black-and-ginger she-cat with light green eyes. Sunclaw instantly ran over to nuzzle her for saving Starkit.

"Thank you for saving me! I'm Starkit. I dream to make a Clan one day!"the kit-Starkit- meowed, but the she-cat sat the kit down and walked away without responding.

The next morning, Firestar awoke early. He streched and sat in the sunlight for a while, his ginger pelf shone like fire in the early morning sun. Only a few seconds after he got up and was walking over to Squirrelflight about the dawn patrol, he was caught by surprise when he scented a very familiar ShadowClan kit. The kit ran quickly past. When he had recovered from the shock, he ran after the kit. When he finally caught up with the kit by the lake, she dove in, even though she hated water. She needed an explanation for coming through ThunderClan territory. Luckly, it was greenleaf, so the water was fairly warm, but it was still pretty cold. Firestar swam faster, and came up to a small cave – where the kit dissappered only a few seconds earlier. He entered the cave and, luckly, there was air inside. The kit walked up to him with a few others beside her and spoke, "What are you doing in LightClan camp? I am Jewelstar and I command you to leave! Or... LightClan, Attack the intruder!" The kit was apparntly playing a not - so - friendly game with the other kits.

All went black. Apparently he was blinded with a leaf of some sort.
-----
__________________
My signature is under construction (for now), so here are a few links!
Chicken Soup ~~ deviantART

Last edited by Shadowstar; 09-27-2008 at 06:08 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 09-27-2008, 05:48 PM
Autumn Autumn is offline
bye
 
Join Date: June 23, 2008
Posts: 4,633
Pronoun: she
Autumn is on a distinguished road
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowstar View Post
You shouldn't hunt when you're so young, especially not alone!
It's against the code for a kit to even leave the camp alone (that is, without a warrior around), let alone hunt or go to a Gathering.

Quote:
It's warrior code!
"It's against the warrior code!"

Quote:
And, if you please, young kit, please get out of this tree, you might hurt yourself." The kit just nodded 'no' in response.
Er... wouldn't they be more worried about the fact that there was a code-breaking kit at the Gathering than that she managed to climb a tree?

Quote:
The clans that were present yowled in aggreement, but Sunclaw stepped foward, looking at the kit as if she knew who it was, and she did, when she was an apprentice, the kit had been only two days old.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixed version
The Clans that were present yowled in agreement, but the ShadowClan warrior Sunclaw stepped forward, looking at the kit as if she knew who it was - and she did. When she was an apprentice, the kit was only two days old.
Quote:
She knew the kit by name, scent, and unmistake able appearence, white with light grey stripes and blue eyes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fixed
She knew the kit by name, scent and her unmistakeable appearance -- white with light grey stripes and blue eyes.
Quote:
"Starkit, it's me, Sunpaw, I'm known as Sunclaw now, remember?
Quote:
Originally Posted by fixed
"Starkit, it's me, Sunpaw. I'm known as Sunclaw now, remember?
By the way, why would Sunclaw feel the need to tell Starkit she was once Sunpaw if Starkit remembered her as Sunclaw? For that matter, wouldn't Starkit recognize Sunclaw enough to know who she was without Sunclaw saying who she was?

Quote:
Luckly, one of the cats that were watching the gathering leaped out to catch the small kit, it was a black-and-ginger she-cat with light green eyes. Instantly, Sunclaw ran over to nuzzle her for saving the kit.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fixed
Luckily, one of the cats that was at the Gathering leaped out to catch Starkit. It was a black-and-ginger she-cat with light green eyes. Sunclaw instantly ran over to nuzzle her for saving Starkit.
Quote:
"Thank you for saving me! I'm Starkit. I dream to make a Clan one day!"the kit-Starkit- meowed, but the she-cat sat the kit down and walked away without responding.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fixed
"Thank you for saving me! My name is Starkit. I dream of making a Clan one day!" Starkit, meowed, but the she-cat set her down and walked away without responding.
Quote:
The next morning, Firestar awoke early. He streced and sat in the sunlight for a while.
"Stretched". Also, this isn't descriptive at all, so you might want to fix it up a bit.

Quote:
Only a few seconds after he got up and was walking over to Squirrelflight about the Dawn Patrol, he was caught by surprise when a very familiar ShadowClan kit ran past.
Should be "dawn patrol"... By the way, why didn't he smell Starkit or why didn't any other ThunderClan cats notice that she was there?

Quote:
When he recovered from the shock, he ran after the white -– with -– gray -– stripes -– and –– blue -– eyes kit.
"When he had recovered..." You also don't need Starkit's whole description.

Quote:
When he finally caught up to the kit, she ran to the lake and dove in, no matter how much he hated it, he needed an explaination for coming through ThunderClan territory.
Quote:
Originally Posted by fixed
When he finally caught up with the kit by the lake, she dove in, even though she hated water. She needed an explanation for coming through ThunderClan territory.
Firestar should be a lot faster than Starkit anyway, since Firestar's a full-grown cat and running on his own territory.

Quote:
He dove in after her. Luckly, it was greenleaf, so the water was fairly warm, but it still felt chilly.
I don't think lakes warm up enough to have a noticeable difference, even in greenleaf.

Quote:
Firestar swam faster, and came up to a small cave -– where the kit dissappered only a few seconds earlier.
Neither of them should be able to swim quite that good. :/ Also, where is this cave? I don't recall ever hearing about cliffs on the lake (only gentle shores - not at all like the sun-drown-place).

Quote:
He entered the cave and, luckly, there was air inside.
"Luckily".

Quote:
What are you doing in LightClan camp? I am Jewelstar and I command you to leave! Or... LIGHTCLAN, ATTACK THE INTRUDER!"
Never all-caps, only italics.

Quote:
the kit was apparntly playing a not -- so -- friendly game with the other kits, all whent black, and apparently he was blinded with a leaf if some sort.
The first "the" should be capitalized. "Apparently". The dashes should be shorter, like in "she-cat". This is also a run-on sentence - make "All went black" its own sentence. "... leaf of some sort". Also a pretty anticlimatic ending to the chapter.

You've got a pretty interesting plot, but your problem is that you're not being descriptive enough -- try taking more time to explain what's going on around the cats. *shrug*

Hope you don't mind the constant reviews.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 09-27-2008, 06:12 PM
Shadowstar's Avatar
Shadowstar Shadowstar is offline
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
 
Join Date: June 26, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1,016
Pronoun: She
Shadowstar is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via Yahoo to Shadowstar
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

I don't mind at all.

Explaination for Starkit reacing the lake first:Firestar was shocked for a few seconds(10 max.) and Starkit is pretty fast.

Explaination for cave:They were under water, the cave entrence is below water and the cavern has a "hall" just big enough for him to fit and as the land goes on above ground it gets steeper(right?), resulting in a room( the cave is several feet underground.
__________________
My signature is under construction (for now), so here are a few links!
Chicken Soup ~~ deviantART
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:08 PM
Autumn Autumn is offline
bye
 
Join Date: June 23, 2008
Posts: 4,633
Pronoun: she
Autumn is on a distinguished road
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Then where exactly is the cave located? If the cave roof were underwater, the cave would be filled with water no matter what.
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:10 PM
Shadowstar's Avatar
Shadowstar Shadowstar is offline
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
 
Join Date: June 26, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1,016
Pronoun: She
Shadowstar is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via Yahoo to Shadowstar
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Really? Well, it's located right where the slope upwards begins...
__________________
My signature is under construction (for now), so here are a few links!
Chicken Soup ~~ deviantART
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:42 PM
Autumn Autumn is offline
bye
 
Join Date: June 23, 2008
Posts: 4,633
Pronoun: she
Autumn is on a distinguished road
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowstar View Post
Really? Well, it's located right where the slope upwards begins...
*confused* Where's that supposed to be: on a territory bank or is it still underwater?
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 09-27-2008, 07:53 PM
Shadowstar's Avatar
Shadowstar Shadowstar is offline
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
 
Join Date: June 26, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1,016
Pronoun: She
Shadowstar is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via Yahoo to Shadowstar
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Underground on a territory bank.=)
__________________
My signature is under construction (for now), so here are a few links!
Chicken Soup ~~ deviantART
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 10-11-2008, 04:50 PM
Shadowstar's Avatar
Shadowstar Shadowstar is offline
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
 
Join Date: June 26, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1,016
Pronoun: She
Shadowstar is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via Yahoo to Shadowstar
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

A/N:*brain dead* Sorry for being late!>.<

------
Firstar, once he could see again, surveyed his surroundings. It was dark exept for the light filtering down form the roof of the cave, which seemed to be covered with thin leaves. He turned to look the other way when he scented Jewelstar, otherwise known as Starkit. The she-cat had someting tied around her neck. It appeared to be a blue jewel shaped slightly like a star. Jewelstar's appearence had also changed. She now appeared to be at least thirteen moons. "Firestar, I see you're awake," she meowed.

Firestar walked over to Jewelstar and licked her sholder as a greeting. A ginger tom walked up beside Jewelstar, followed by a black she-cat. "Firestar," she started, "meet our deputy and medicine cat. Darktail and Swiftwish." The two cats mentioned walked forward and nodded respectfully. Swiftwish, the black she-cat, was apparently the deputy.

"You look different, Star – I mean – Jewelstar," stated Firestar, confused. Jewelstar simply walked away. Swiftwish and Darktail escorted him to a branching tunnel which ended in another cave.
Firestar lay down, a thousand questions running through his mind, mostly variations on the words "huh", "what", and "why". He didn't know what to make of this, what were Jewelstar's intentions?

In the ThunderClan camp, it was chaotic. Squirrelflight was trying to calm them down, and failing miserably. She needed to find Firestar before things got worse. Sunclaw had visited the ShadowClan border at dawn and confirmed that ShadowClan warriors had been across the boarder. She raised her voice, "Calm down!" It seemed to work. but the cause of silence was not her yelling - It was Sunclaw. She had returned from the sun high patrol that had just been sent out, She was followed into camp by Moonpelt. Moonpelt seemed to mean no harm.
---------
A/N:Woah. Long chappie! Well it looked like it in my Notepad.
__________________
My signature is under construction (for now), so here are a few links!
Chicken Soup ~~ deviantART

Last edited by Shadowstar; 10-12-2008 at 07:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 10-12-2008, 07:03 PM
Autumn Autumn is offline
bye
 
Join Date: June 23, 2008
Posts: 4,633
Pronoun: she
Autumn is on a distinguished road
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowstar View Post
Firestar layed down, a thousand questions running through his mind, mostly variations on the words "huh", "what", and "why".
Should be just plain "lay" as opposed to "layed".

Quote:
Squerrelflight was trying to calm them down, and failing miserably.
Squerrel? And who's "them", exactly?

Quote:
Sunclaw had visited the ShasdowClan boarder at dawn and confirmed that ShadowClan warriors had been across the boarder.
"Shadow" (typo, I know, but still) and "border".

Quote:
but the cause of silence was not her yelling- It was Sunclaw.
"But the cause of silence was not her yelling - it was Sunclaw."

Quote:
She had returned form the sun high patrol that had just been sent out. She was followed into camp by Moonpelt; a ShadowClan warrior.
"from". There shouldn't be a semicolon there - it should be a comma. This can actually be made into one sentence: "She had returned from the sunhigh patrol that had just been sent out, followed by Moonpelt, a ShadowClan warrior". Actually, the "ShadowClan warrior" bit could be taken out, since we already know she's a ShadowClan warrior.

Quote:
She seemed to mean no harm.
The subject here still appears to be Moonpelt - perhaps you could change it to make it more obvious that "she" refers to Moonpelt?

All in all, aside from the length and lack of happenings in the chapter, the style is actually a little better than your previous chapters. :P Nice.
Reply With Quote
  #31  
Old 10-12-2008, 07:08 PM
Shadowstar's Avatar
Shadowstar Shadowstar is offline
I SWEAR I WILL GET ACTIVE AGAIN
 
Join Date: June 26, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 1,016
Pronoun: She
Shadowstar is an unknown quantity at this point
Send a message via Yahoo to Shadowstar
Default Re: Warriors:Fight for the Star Jewels

Thanks! I was getting worried that nobody cared about this fic anymore.^^;

Yeah. I hate it when I typo.
__________________
My signature is under construction (for now), so here are a few links!
Chicken Soup ~~ deviantART
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
warriors

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:52 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Pokémon, Pikachu and all other Pokémon characters © Nintendo, Game Freak and Creatures Inc. The Cave of Dragonflies, content, styles, etc. © Butterfree/Dragonfree/antialiasis.
Forum now hosted by Eevee's HQ.