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  #1  
Old 01-29-2009, 09:53 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

(this is the beginning of my character's story about love, revenge, violence, weapons, friendship, Pokemon, and conflict between good and evil. This is the only one-shot in the series.)
The following fic is rated PG-13.

Summer 2006.

Eric Damon, and his parents, Shane and Brianna Damon, were on a summer vacation in Sinnoh. They were walking in the forest toward the local hotel. Then, suddenly, out from the tall grass came a wild Purugly. Shane then noticed something very strange about the cat-like Pokemon. So did Brianna.
Brianna then noticed blood caked on its fur. Shane then said, noticing the menacing stare in the feline's eyes, along with the blood caked onto its fur, "Stand back! I think it's a maneater! Bastiodon, let's take care of this!", as he threw his Bastiodon's PokeBall. The ceratopsian Pokemon bellowed "BAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSTIODONNNN!", and Shane said "Bastiodon, use Iron Head!" Purugly dug its way underground. Shane shouted "DAMN! How the hell can a wild Pokemon learn a TM-move?!" Before he knew it, Purugly came out behind Bastiodon and attacked, defeating the dinosaur-like Pokemon in one blow. Bastiodon had fainted. Shane called the defeated Pokemon back, and sent out Houndoom, saying "Houndoom, do what you can!" Out came the Doberman-like Pokemon, which howled "HOUNDOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Shane then ordered "Houndoom, use Flamethrower, and be sure ONLY to hit Purugly!" Before Houndoom could even ready its attack, Purugly used Water Pulse, snarling at Houndoom before doing so. Houndoom was almost defeated, got confused, and hurt itself. Then the dark canine Pokemon fainted. Shane then said "Shit!", and called Houndoom back. Shane was down to his last Pokemon, and then Brianna could have a try. Shane then said "Alright, you fat bastard. YOU ASKED FOR IT! Stantler, give it your best shot!" Out came the deer-like Pokemon, which eerily moaned "Staaaaantlerrrrrrrr." Shane then commanded "Stantler, use Thunderbolt!" Purugly then hissed, using exactly the same attack as Stantler. Shane muttered "Aw, crap!", before calling Stantler back. Brianna then said "I think it's getting worse! Mismagius, go get'em!" Mismagius screeched its name loudly. Brianna commanded the ghost Pokemon, saying "Use Dark Pulse, quickly!" Purugly attacked with Shadow Claw, knocking Mismagius to the ground. Brianna then said "Sorry about that, Mismagius.", as she called it back. Then she added "Salamence, go kick its ass!" Eric had hid behind a tree, hoping Purugly didn't notice him. Salamence roared its name out loud. Brianna then said "Salamence, use Dragonbreath!" Purugly attacked Salamence instantly with Shadow Claw. It was a critical hit. Salamence was out. Brianna then said "Forgive me, Salamence. Go, Walrein!", as she withdrew Salamence and sent out Walrein, who bellowed loudly, "WAAAAAAAAAAALREINNNNNNNNN!" Brianna then said "This is our last chance! Use Ice Beam!" Purugly attacked with Thunderbolt, knocking out Walrein instantly. Brianna then said "Ok, Walrein!", returning her last Pokemon to its PokeBall. Eric's parents told their only son to stay behind the tree while they would go get help.


Then, a feminine human figure came from the shadows with a Pachirisu. Eric watched as the Purugly prepared to pounce on him. It did, Eric screamed, and the Purugly's claws started to slowly dig into him. Eric didn't know what would happen to him, and the figure pointed, and Pachirisu jumped out and bit Purugly's leg, and started zapping it. The squirrel Pokemon eventually let go, and the Purugly fled, never to be seen by anybody again. The feminine figure got closer. She was a beautiful, dark-skinned individual with flowing raven hair. She said "Pachirisu, great job!", and carried Eric somewhere. Eric was unconscious.


When he woke up, Eric was in this strange treehouse. The girl introduced herself as Peggy Crier, and then explained about what happened, and said "I haven't talked to anybody, well... at least any humans, for three years. It gets kinda lonely, y'know." Eric then said "I'm Eric Damon. Thank you for saving me." He was still weak, but his wounds were certainly healing fast. He then added "I'll do anything I can to repay you. That Purugly would've eaten my if you didn't come along." Peggy then lifted Eric's shirt, checking if he was still bleeding, and said "I'd like a boyfriend." Eric said "That would be quite the honor for me. Oh, and you said your last name was Crier? I think your parents moved next to us over the winter." Peggy then said "Really? They must think I'm dead or something. It's been three years since I last saw them!", then, she got to Eric's level, and made out with him. Eric went along with it.


The next day, a high-ranking Pokemon Ranger came by, and heard of Peggy's bravery, and said "I think you and your Pachirisu would make a great duo if you were a Top-ranked Ranger." Eric was better, and moved his red hair out of his face. Peggy then said "Give us some time to think about it. This guy I just saved is now my boyfriend. I think he's cute. In the meantime, I'd like a Styler and a uniform just in case." The Ranger said "Alright, then.", as he gave her the things she asked for.

Eric's parents then came back, and said "Eric, are you OK?!" Eric nodded, and said "I think this is the missing girl you told us about. And now she's my girlfriend, and she SAVED me!" Peggy and Pachirisu went to be with Eric, and went home with him and his parents, reuniting with her own family.
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  #2  
Old 01-30-2009, 12:47 AM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

*eye twiches* *goes Laughing Mad* AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! *giggles*

He did it again! He posted this... This... This thing again!

First off: Love at first sight? Ha, ha, ha-no. N. O. NO! Does not happen.
Second off: Feral people are not open to people.
Third off: STOP. POSTING. THIS. This is not a fanfiction. No, this is... Is... Is... Horriblefuckus (The Nostalgia Critic rules.)!
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  #3  
Old 01-30-2009, 02:09 AM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

At least he made some sort of attempt to make paragraphs, even if it wasn't correct. Perhaps you could get someone to do this for you.

EDIT: Gooddamn, you deserve better. Won't bitch about paragraphing in this, I swear.

Quote:
Eric Damon, and his parents, Shane and Brianna Damon, were on a summer vacation in Sinnoh. They were walking in the forest toward the local hotel.
Show, don't tell. And by that, I mean you say that they're walking in a forest, have them talk about being on summer vacation, and just let us guess that they're in Sinnoh from the Purugly. Something like that. I don't know; I'm not good at this stuff.

Quote:
Then, suddenly, out from the tall grass came a wild Purugly. Shane then noticed something very strange about the cat-like Pokemon. So did Brianna.
Brianna then noticed blood caked on its fur. Shane then said, noticing the menacing stare in the feline's eyes, along with the blood caked onto its fur, "Stand back! I think it's a maneater! Bastiodon, let's take care of this!", as he threw his Bastiodon's PokeBall.
You're being a bit indirect, I say. Describe the Purugly directly, then have them talk about it with actual words. It's not like the speach will take so long that you need to cut it out.

Quote:
INSERT BATTLE HERE
I'm ignoring this because I have no idea how battles should be, and I don't feel like reading it right now. Maybe later.

Quote:
She was a beautiful, dark-skinned individual with flowing raven hair. She said "Pachirisu, great job!", and carried Eric somewhere. Eric was unconscious.
Beautiful is a vague word, and ravens don't have any hair. Ravens are birds, after all. You should explain that he was unconcious before you talk about him being carried.


Quote:
"I'd like a boyfriend." ... "Give us some time to think about it. This guy I just saved is now my boyfriend. I think he's cute. In the meantime, I'd like a Styler and a uniform just in case."
Something about the way she speaks seems unnatural, but I can't pinpoint what.

Ketsu, I don't see where there's love at first sight at all.

Last edited by OrangeAipom; 01-30-2009 at 05:02 AM.
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  #4  
Old 01-30-2009, 12:04 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Will you just stop bugging me about my fics?!
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Old 01-30-2009, 09:45 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
Will you just stop bugging me about my fics?!
Improve and people'll stop complaining about your bad writing.

That or stop posting fan fiction here, I guess.

Once again I'm going to go through bit by bit to tell you where you went wrong and how to improve your story. If I get a tad snarky you probably deserve it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
Eric Damon, and his parents, Shane and Brianna Damon, were on a summer vacation in Sinnoh.
What part? Sinnoh is a fairly large island so being vague like that is just going to leave people like me imagining this family going on Summer holiday to Snowpoint or something.

Quote:
They were walking in the forest toward the local hotel.
Walking through. What you put was correct but through seems to fit more since they're going somewhere, presumably outside of the forest as it's hard to imagine a hotel getting much business inside a densely wooded area.

Quote:
Then, suddenly, out from the tall grass came a wild Purugly. Shane then noticed something very strange about the cat-like Pokemon. So did Brianna.
I noticed something odd too, this Purugly is so utterly dull that apparently it isn't worth any description other than "cat-like".

Quote:
Brianna then noticed blood caked on its fur. Shane then said, noticing the menacing stare in the feline's eyes, along with the blood caked onto its fur,
You used "blood caked" twice. You could've quite easily used some other equally effective description but you went for the same one twice. How about something like, "crimson stained"? Hell, "bloody" would've done the job just fine.

Quote:
"Stand back! I think it's a maneater!
Huh?

...

Wait what? How the hell did they come to that conclusion!? An animal covered in blood with a suspicious look in its eye does not necessarily mean it's dangerous. Sure, you should avoid it, I guess, but that doesn't mean it's going to eat you. Hell, how do they even know it's human blood anyway?

Quote:
Bastiodon, let's take care of this!", as he threw his Bastiodon's PokeBall.
Hey look, a dangerous animal. Let's fight it instead of running away!

Quote:
The ceratopsian Pokemon
Okay, I'd forgotten what this particular Pokémon looked like at the time of reading, and I have looked it up since, but unfortunately my lack of knowledge regarding dinosaur names didn't help in this description. Not to mention everything is different; this Bastiodon, without description, is either a plain, everyday one to Pokémon fans, or a blob of nothingness to people who don't know it.

This is why description is important.

Quote:
bellowed "BAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSTIODONNNN!"
All caps were not necessary. Neither was that entire bit of 'dialogue'. You could've easily phrased that as "bellowed its name".

Quote:
and Shane said "Bastiodon, use Iron Head!"
Due to the fact this is a new line of speech, I'd suggest a new paragraph and putting the speech itself first, so it'd read, '"Bastiodon, use Iron Head!" Shane ordered". Hell, you could probably turn this into just an addendum to the last one, turning it to, "The Bastiodon bellowed its name as its trainer ordered it to use an Iron Head attack," or something to that effect.

Quote:
Shane shouted "DAMN!
You've already made it clear he's shouting, all caps does not make him louder. Use bold if you want emphasis.

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Before he knew it, Purugly came out behind Bastiodon and attacked, defeating the dinosaur-like Pokemon in one blow.
That was a thrilling battle.

Quote:
Out came the Doberman-like Pokemon, which howled "HOUNDOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
Once again, all caps and unnecessary speech should be avoided, especially in instances like this where the only thing they're doing is calling their name. If you want to say they called their names, say, "it called its name" with a different verb replacing the "called" depending on the context.

Quote:
Before Houndoom could even ready its attack, Purugly used Water Pulse, snarling at Houndoom before doing so. Houndoom was almost defeated, got confused, and hurt itself.
Thrilling!

Also "almost defeated" doesn't sound right. "Almost down" or "nearly finished", or even a description of its condition or movements would've been more adequate. Almost defeated just doesn't seem to fit in with the situation.

Quote:
Shane then said "Shit!"
He said a naughty word D:

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Shane was down to his last Pokemon, and then Brianna could have a try.
This is, presumably, a life or death situation. You do not obey petit competition rules in a life or death situation with something that should not know them.
To be quite honest, I'm still confused as to why they're still fighting an animal that has yet to directly harm them, despite being given opportunity to do so every time they reach for their belt to throw out another of their Pokémon.

Quote:
"Alright, you fat bastard.
He shouted in front of his son of an unknown age that I assumed to be a young kid at the beginning of this fic.

Quote:
YOU ASKED FOR IT!
FEEL THE FURY OF MY ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!

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Stantler, give it your best shot!"
That was anti-climactic.

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Out came the deer-like Pokemon,
Stop describing everything as "[noun]-like". C'mon, surely you know some colourful adjective and descriptions to spice something that this Purugly apparently "ASKED FOR"?

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which eerily moaned "Staaaaantlerrrrrrrr."
Okay so you got rid of the all caps, but you stil suffer from the same problem.

Quote:
Shane then commanded "Stantler, use Thunderbolt!" Purugly then hissed, using exactly the same attack as Stantler. Shane muttered "Aw, crap!", before calling Stantler back.
Wait this one didn't even faint and he called it back? What?

Quote:
Mismagius screeched its name loudly.
Hallelujah!

Quote:
Bknocking Mismagius to the ground.
Thriller.

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Salamence roared its name out loud.
Hey look you did it right again. Cool.

Quote:
Brianna then said "Salamence, use Dragonbreath!" Purugly attacked Salamence instantly with Shadow Claw. It was a critical hit. Salamence was out.
Whoa I so didn't expect that.

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bellowed loudly, "WAAAAAAAAAAALREINNNNNNNNN!"
And here I thought you were realising where you went wrong.

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Brianna then said "This is our last chance! Use Ice Beam!"
Oh man this is so tense.

Quote:
Purugly attacked with Thunderbolt,
Oh no! It's gonna miss, right!?

Quote:
knocking out Walrein instantly.
Well damn.

Quote:
Eric's parents told their only son to stay behind the tree while they would go get help.
... What the hell!? Did they just leave their son in front of something that could potentially kill and eat him? What the flying fuck is up with this kid's parents!?

Also, going back to a previous point, why didn't they run away in the first place?

Quote:
Then, a feminine human figure came from the shadows with a Pachirisu.
You could've just phrased this as "a female silhouette appeared from the shadows" but eh this is all right I guess.

Actually wait where is this person? From what this says it sounds like she just walks out into the middle of it all and looks as the next part happens.

Quote:
and the figure pointed,
Oh man, if giant dinosaurs and ghosts couldn't take this thing out, this girl must have a giant with a rocket launcher or something ready for this thing. This could potentially be epic.

Quote:
and Pachirisu jumped out and bit Purugly's leg,
What?

Quote:
and started zapping it.
What?

Quote:
The squirrel Pokemon eventually let go, and the Purugly fled, never to be seen by anybody again.
What!?
We just went through a fairly lengthy fight scene to discover that this fearsome beast's weak point was a squirrel nibbling on its thigh? The electricity doesn't enter into it, this cat was fast enough to get in before all of its previous enemy's attacks and defeat them in one blow nearly every time, and it's sent packing by a rodent with a battery pack.

Quote:
The feminine figure got closer. She was a beautiful, dark-skinned individual with flowing raven hair.
Why is it this is the most descriptive piece in the entire story?

Also she's apparently naked since you didn't bother describing clothes for her.

Quote:
She said "Pachirisu, great job!", and carried Eric somewhere. Eric was unconscious.
Would've been better to have defined him as unconscious before. Also, she probably shouldn't have spoken if you wanted it to be somewhat mysterious but that isn't especially major.

Quote:
When he woke up, Eric was in this strange treehouse.
It's "in a strange treehouse".

Quote:
The girl introduced herself as Peggy Crier,
Wasn't she called Peggy Norway or something in your last fic?

Quote:
"I haven't talked to anybody, well... at least any humans, for three years. It gets kinda lonely, y'know."
Huh wait what?
But isn't there a hotel nearby or something?

Quote:
He was still weak, but his wounds were certainly healing fast.
Wait how long's he been out? I doubt shock through cat attack would've been enough to put him out for too long. Wounds that can be described as "wounds" would not heal in a matter of hours with magic healing.

Quote:
He then added "I'll do anything I can to repay you. That Purugly would've eaten my if you didn't come along."
Eaten his what?
...
*Immature snicker*

Quote:
and said "I'd like a boyfriend."
This is the best romantic scene I've seen, ever.

Quote:
I think your parents moved next to us over the winter."
How convenient of them to move away and forget their kid. Seriously, are all parents in this world complete idiots or something? Both pairs have abandoned their children and Eric's basically left him to die.

Quote:
then, she got to Eric's level, and made out with him. Eric went along with it.
A creepy girl kidnapped him and asked him to be his boyfriend, and they're kissing about a minute afterwards? Riiiight.

Quote:
a high-ranking Pokemon Ranger came by, and heard of Peggy's bravery, and said "I think you and your Pachirisu would make a great duo if you were a Top-ranked Ranger."
"Your thigh nibbling skills are impeccable! Also I've heard you make out with guys you've just met, so the guys back at HQ would like a word with you."

Quote:
Eric was better, and moved his red hair out of his face.
It took you an entire chapter to state your protagonist has red hair. Describe earlier please.

Quote:
"Give us some time to think about it. This guy I just saved is now my boyfriend. I think he's cute.
The basis of this relationship seems a bit rocky. Even Peggy admits it is, at its core, "He's cute and finds me hot."

Quote:
In the meantime, I'd like a Styler and a uniform just in case."
She'd like a what?
Oh, a styler, for her hair, right?

Quote:
The Ranger said "Alright, then.", as he gave her the things she asked for.
Handy he happened to be carrying a spare uniform in hammer space, then.

Quote:
Eric's parents then came back, and said "Eric, are you OK?!"
"Sorry we left you to die, we were working on your replacement though."

Quote:
Peggy and Pachirisu went to be with Eric, and went home with him and his parents, reuniting with her own family.
"Why the hell did you abandon me?"
"All the cool parents are doing it nowadays."

Yeah, hopefully you'll take some of this on board if you're going to write something like this again. Also, I'd like to congratulate you on finally using paragraphs rather than simply a massive block of text, but I'd say that you need to learn their use a bit more effectively. Always start a new paragraph before speech, and when the subject changes, the latter you nearly got right this time round.

It's nice to see you've improved, if only by a little.
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  #6  
Old 01-30-2009, 10:23 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Well, this is an improvement. You posted the thing itself, not a summary, prologue, or character list. Hooray. >>
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Old 01-31-2009, 12:01 AM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

I pretty much only needed to read GameFreakerZero's post to deduce what happened.

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Originally Posted by OrangeAipom View Post
Beautiful is a vague word, and ravens don't have any hair. Ravens are birds, after all.
'Raven hair' is just a fancy way of saying 'glossy black hair'.
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Old 01-31-2009, 03:48 AM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
Will you just stop bugging me about my fics?!
You make me feel bad. :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by DonKarasuMan View Post
'Raven hair' is just a fancy way of saying 'glossy black hair'.
Hm. That's nice to know.
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Old 01-31-2009, 12:27 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
revenge
weapons
friendship
conflict between good and evil.
I cannot find it. I see cheesy love and a retardedly anti-climatic battle. The end.
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Old 01-31-2009, 12:37 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

The whole thing is cheesy and a view of what a story is too a young kid like himself.
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Old 01-31-2009, 04:09 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

I'm 17 years old, y'know!
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Old 01-31-2009, 05:24 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

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Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
I'm 17 years old, y'know!
...this is all you got out of the past few posts?

This is funny, and yet really saddening at the same time.
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:07 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

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Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
I'm 17 years old, y'know!
What does that have to do with anything?
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:12 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Quote:
Originally Posted by OrangeAipom View Post
What does that have to do with anything?
Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkArmour View Post
The whole thing is cheesy and a view of what a story is too a young kid like himself.
I think this explains a bit.

Other than what everybody else already said, whenever a different person speaks, you need to have a new paragraph.
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:15 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Age has nothing to do with it. I'm 14 and I wrote THIS.
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:20 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

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Age has nothing to do with it. I'm 14 and I wrote THIS.
You're making it sound like some sort of masterpiece.
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:26 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

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Originally Posted by Music Dragon View Post
You're making it sound like some sort of masterpiece.
Meh, It's no masterpice, but I'm sure that most will agree that it's better than the piece of this topic.
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Old 01-31-2009, 07:17 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Celestial Blade, I don't think you realise that people are not 'bugging you' about this fiction, they are trying to help you.

If you simply choose to ignore this post, I will post the same thing as many times as it takes for you to respond.
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  #19  
Old 01-31-2009, 07:21 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Ok, fine! I am TRYING to improve!

I'm nowhere near Stephen King or anyone like that!
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  #20  
Old 01-31-2009, 07:32 PM
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Elfin Elfin is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part One: "The Feral Girl of Sinnoh"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
I'm nowhere near Stephen King or anyone like that!
Uh.. well, obviously you aren't. None of us are. But that fact shouldn't be used as an excuse.
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