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  #1  
Old 03-05-2009, 07:10 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

It has been a while since Eric met Peggy, and our young couple is about to go on quite the adventure. They were separated when their home island (off Sinnoh's eastern coast, south of the battle zone) was decimated by a criminal organization called "Team Rocket." Eric and Peggy were the only human survivors. Eric's Infernape and Peggy's Pachirisu barely avoided being stolen by Team Rocket. Eric will save his beloved girlfriend, and with some help from Pokemon Rangers, Team Snagem, and even the Legendary Pokemon, they will destroy Team Rocket and assassinate Giovanni.

This fic is very violent with quite some profanity, and so will be rated somewhere between Teen and Mature.

Chapter One

Eric and Peggy's home was under attack one night. Team Rocket has gone to the lowest of the low, enslaving many, and using tactics like Shadow Pokemon, controlling their Pokemon, and even the genocide of Giovanni's possible enemies.

Eric took his father's twin Snag Machines from their case, and put one on each arm. Then he took his mother's pistol, a lot of ammo, and katana. Peggy grabbed her Ranger Styler, shield, and staff, and went with her Pachirisu to flee. Eric told her to flee while he and his Infernape (currently out of its Pokeball), attempted to take out the Rocket Grunts. Everyone who lived on the island except Eric, Peggy, Infernape, and Pachirisu, was murdered. Eric then saw the Rocket Grunt that killed his parents, noticing he was carrying a bloody knife. Eric wanted to save his weapons for later, and jumped out from the darkness, punching the Rocket Grunt in the face, knocking him unconscious. Eric then finished the job by snapping the Grunt's neck, killing him. Eric was then ambushed by two Grunts with metal baseball bats, and Infernape incinerated them, but not before they knocked the fire Pokemon's Trainer out cold. The rest of the Grunts vanished into the night. Peggy was captured by a lone Grunt, along with her Pachirisu.

Infernape was still watching over its Trainer, when Mewtwo, of all Pokemon, arrived at the scene, teleporting Eric and Infernape to its lair.

Eric then woke up the next afternoon in a panic. His Infernape was in its Pokeball. Eric then saw Mewtwo and said "What the hell happened?! And why did those filthy bastards try to kill me?!" Mewtwo explained "Team Rocket killed almost everyone you knew. Except for you, and someone else. I can tell you have a close bond with the other survivor, and that whereever she is, she is still alive. You were luckly I was hunting down those filthy Rockets. I was created by them, and hated them to the core. Especially their brutal leader, Giovanni." Eric then said "My girlfriend's ALIVE?! I need to save her! Oh, and I will avenge the hundreds of lives that Team Rocket took. My destiny is to KILL GIOVANNI!"

Eric then realized he needed more rest, and rested until his injuries were almost completely healed, which took a matter of hours with Mewtwo's inventions.
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Old 03-06-2009, 12:38 AM
Meursault Meursault is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Killing possible enemies is not genocide; it could be slaughter, but unless Giovanni's enemies are all the worlds black people, Italians, Jews, etc. then genocide would not be the correct term for this situation. :| Overall, I haven't really seen much improvement from you since last time. You don't explain why Team Rocket slaughtered an entire island's population, or why Eric's dad has two snag machines (something which is canonically highly experimental) in a likely insecure case, why Peggy has a staff and shield instead of a gun like Eric, and so on.
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Old 03-06-2009, 06:37 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

(Eric also has a sword, and Team Rocket wants to eliminate all possible enemies, no matter who they are. Mass murder can be classified as genocide sometimes.)
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Old 03-06-2009, 09:17 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Waitwaitwait, Penny has a staff and shield, and Eric has two snag machines, a gun, and.. A katana. He has a katana. Okay, it probably looks cool, but people owning medieval weapons including a ninja's sword, two previously one-of-a-kind machines, and that sort of thing and being able to just grab them and start fighting within 30 seconds isn't all that realistic. Explain why they have all these weapons in the story somehow. Is collecting random weapons his hobby? Are they secretly a ninja and mage (He and Penny respectively)? Otherwise, it makes very little sense.
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Old 03-06-2009, 09:47 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

(It's Peggy, not Penny!)

And they use their weapons to fight and protect themselves and their Pokemon. Peggy will have a mystic aura that she can use, and so will Eric.
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:10 AM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

You have characters and a plot. You met certain structural requirements. Your grammar and spelling aren't bad, especially for you.

Why, then, does this still completely suck?

Because you are not telling a story. You are giving a commentary. You can't just say "Person X did this and this and this" and then "Person Y said this and did this with X." You're not giving people any reason to care. What are your characters like? What are their attitudes, aspirations, and personalities? What is the setting like? This entire story is a case of telling and not showing. We don't need a log of every character's action.

Take, for example, this:
Quote:
Team Rocket has gone to the lowest of the low, enslaving many, and using tactics like Shadow Pokemon, controlling their Pokemon, and even the genocide of Giovanni's possible enemies.
This is probably the best sentence in the story, grammar and improper use of "genocide" aside. You're not saying "Team Rocket is evil", you're actually using conventions to make us hate Team Rocket. While this could definitely be improved on, this sentence here is a small ray of light in an otherwise boring and dreary wall of text.
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Old 03-07-2009, 02:12 AM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

But you don't explain that in the story. Instead of telling us now, maybe you could write that in the story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
Eric wanted to save his weapons for later, and jumped out from the darkness, punching the Rocket Grunt in the face, knocking him unconscious.
...Okay. It's not like he's going to waste them, or his weapons are one use only, or getting blood on them will make them shrivel up. Why the hell he has weapons is...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
IEric then finished the job by snapping the Grunt's neck, killing him.
Isn't that what the ass pull katana's for? And the gun?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
The rest of the Grunts vanished into the night. Peggy was captured by a lone Grunt, along with her Pachirisu.
And.. they suddenly leave. Because they feel like showing up and killing people. And then Peggy gets captured by a single grunt, a grunt too... and this is the same person who fought off the apparently retardedly strong Purugly? And she gets caught by a low ranking grunt?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
My destiny is to KILL GIOVANNI!"
...Exactly what I would have said in his spot. Well, at least you only used one exclamation point.


Uh. Keep working at it, I guess.
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:38 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
(It's Peggy, not Penny!)

And they use their weapons to fight and protect themselves and their Pokemon. Peggy will have a mystic aura that she can use, and so will Eric.
Sorry, I got this mixed up with your other story.
Nononono, do you realize how many fantasy cliches are in this? I mean, swordsman guy is the last survivor of a mass killing aside from his girlfriend, who is a mage. And he has to rescue her, the damsel in distress, and defeat the big bad evil guy. Because it's his destiny, of course.
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:47 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

I am aware of that.
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Old 03-07-2009, 12:49 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

So... do you plan on doing anything about it, then?
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Old 03-07-2009, 01:30 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

It depends, but this fic series will obviously have some cliches.
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Old 03-07-2009, 04:16 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

why
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Old 03-07-2009, 05:03 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Every fic has to have at least ONE!
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Old 03-07-2009, 05:24 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
Every fic has to have at least ONE!
Not... necessarily. And if they do, you can always put interesting twists onto them... Peggy's been captured by a Rocket Grunt, for instance, and like Dragon said, before this she fought off a Purugly that beat all of Eric's parents' Pokémon. If you wanted to make this less cliché, you could make it so that Peggy's actually a spy for the Rockets and that's what allowed her to get 'captured' so easily, or something to that effect. Maybe she was letting the Rockets know exactly where Eric was. Maybe the Rockets killed everybody but him because they wanted him alive so that they could torture him or perform experiments on him or something. Maybe Eric won't actually be the one to defeat Giovanni - maybe a third party will enter the story and kill him instead. See? There's all sorts of twists you an put into it to make it less cliché and unrealistic. Try writing some ideas for twists down and see how they would fit into the overall plot of the story.
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Old 03-07-2009, 05:36 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
Every fic has to have at least ONE!
Not necessarily. I've written plenty of stories, fics and whatnot, and I like to think that they don't have too many cliches of this type in them if any at all. As my writing skills are probably worse than yours, I'm sure you can avoid using them to this extent as well.
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Last edited by Elfin; 03-07-2009 at 05:42 PM.
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Old 03-07-2009, 05:36 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

(Technically it was her Pachirisu that took out the Purugly, while Peggy distracted it. And I won't spoil who will kill Giovanni. That would ruin the ending.)
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Old 03-07-2009, 05:48 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Quote:
Originally Posted by Celestial Blade View Post
And I won't spoil who will kill Giovanni. That would ruin the ending.)
Hmm, does that suggest that it won't be Eric? That's a start, at least.
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Old 03-07-2009, 08:01 PM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

(it could be anybody in the fic, but likely Eric.)
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Old 03-07-2009, 10:03 PM
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

It's Peggy, isn't it?
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Old 03-08-2009, 12:09 AM
Celestial Blade Celestial Blade is offline
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Default Re: Eric Damon Chronicles: Part Two: "Giovanni's Downfall"

Giovanni will die in the last chapter, but who kills him is known only to me.
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