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Old 12-08-2009, 02:09 AM
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Default The Adventures of Chris

Seeing as this my first post outside the introduction thread, I would just like to say, HI, EVERYONE!

Now that's out of the way, Let me introduce my first attempt at a fanfic. It does not have a proper name yet, and the plot is almost nonexistant. I will make one up eventually. It features a made-up region and made-up Pokemon, just so you know. Okay, here it is:

Chapter One; Start of One Journey, End of Another



“Goodbye, Crossvine City!!!” The boy shouted as he ran towards Route One, his starter Pokemon, a blue, kitten like Pokemon with a water-droplet-shaped blade on the end of its tail, a Dripcat.
“Goodbye, Robert!!!” Crossvine City roared back.
All except Chris. He hung towards the back of the crowd, his slick black hair hanging over his hazel eyes, a sour expression on his face. “All the studying I did in class, and now this!” he muttered to himself. “I graduated, I did everything right, but the Pokemon meant for me was STOLEN!!”
He looked towards Robert, who was now just a speck on the horizon, his features invisible from the distance, and felt a surge of envy. The boys had once been best friends. Now, Chris was going to have to get a Pokemon fast if he ever wanted to catch up.
Chris sighed and slunk away from the crowd, to the safety of his house, and the comforting silence of his room.
Once home, Chris decided he might as well study for next year. He went straight for the Pokemon Speech book. This, of all the many subjects he’d studied, was his favourite. He liked to be able to think of Pokemon as equals to humans, and being able to do that required him to understand their language. He remembered the first Pokemon he’d ever spoken to, a Porygon. He’d been a little too eager, and made a few crucial mistakes, like asking the Porygon what it was like in diaper space instead of cyberspace, but he’d eventually got the message across, and was able to laugh about it afterwards.
Chris went and took the book off the shelf, and opened it to the first page.
“To fully enhance the bond between Pokemon and Trainer, being able to understand Pokemon Speech is a must. Pokemon Speech is made of syllables of the Pokemon’s own name, but all Pokemon speak the same language. The first thing a beginning Trainer should know is...”
This brought another pang of sadness. Chris felt tears well up behind his eyes and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold them back. Chris flopped down onto his bed, let salty rivers flow down his face and cried himself to sleep.
Sometime later the door to Chris’s room opened with a quiet creak to say that they needed to be oiled soon and a thin ray of light crept in and illuminated the face of the boy asleep in the bed. Chris’s mother peered in and realized he was asleep. She sighed deeply and decided it was probably better not to disturb him.
That night Chris dreamed there was a Pokemon out in the rain. It was slowly weakening and Chris knew that if he didn’t do something it would die. Chris awoke to the steady pitter-patter of rain pn the roof. At least that part of the dream was true. Chris looked down at himself and realized that his mother had changed him into his pyjamas while he was asleep. He hated it when she did that.
He rolled over, pulled the bedsheets over him and was about to go to sleep, when he realized there was another sound rising above the rain. He strained his ears to listen.
“Man...da...”
Pokemon Speech! He translated the words in his mind.
Help me.
Chris scuttled down the steps, careful to avoid awakening his parents, in case the neighbours just had their TV turned up too loud, or something. He edged the front door open and peered through the narrow crack into the darkness beyond. “Man...da...” the sound came again. Chris stepped outside and into the darkness, activating the automatic light.
Then he saw it. A red, salamanderlike Pokemon with an orange stripe down its back, and a skinny tail with a dull flame burning at the tip. Its usually agile form was struggling to stay upright, and its skinny legs could hold its weight no longer.
“I sure have come a long way,” it said, before its legs gave way, its tail flame extinguished, and its body fell down, and lay unconscious in the dirt.
Chris scooped up the unconscious Pokemon in his arms, and carried it inside. Under the better light, he could identify it as a Fallamanda, one of the Pokemon species indigenous to the Zyntha Region. He also identified it as male, due to the dark tip of its tail, nonexistent on the female species, whose tail was unmarked. He ran up the stairs, still holding the Fallamanda. He feverishly knocked on his parents’ bedroom door. “Mum, Dad, wake up!” he whispered loudly. “I found a Fallamanda!”
“I’m sure it was just a dream, Chris,” came the half-asleep voice of his father. “You should just go back to bed...”
“But I’m holding him, here in my arms!” he whispered frantically. The door creaked open from the inside, and Chris’s father looked down at the unconscious Pokemon in his son’s arms. He turned his head back towards the bed, where his wife was still asleep. “Maria,” he said. “I think you should see this.”
A short while later, the trio sat at the living room table, while Fallamanda lay by the electric heater, because, Chris reasoned, he was a Fire-type Pokemon, and he would be more comfortable closer to the heat.
“What are we going to do with him?” asked Chris.
“Well, he certainly has come a long way,” replied his mother. She was right. Fallamanda were only found at Victory Volcano, close to the Pokemon League HQ of the Zyntha Region.
“Well first we should make sure that no Fallamanda have been reported as missing in the area,” reasoned Chris’s father.
“Excuse me; I don’t have a Trainer,” came an indignant voice. Everyone looked over to the heater, and saw that Fallamanda was sitting up and looking straight at them.
“What did he say, Chris?” asked his mother. He’d forgotten that his parents couldn’t understand Pokemon Speech.
“He said that he didn’t have a Trainer,” replied Chris.
“Sorry to bother you, but does anyone have a lighter?” asked Fallamanda. “Having my tail flame extinguished makes me tired.” Chris fetched a lighter and ignited Fallamanda’s tail. “That’s much better,” sighed Fallamanda, before trotting upstairs.
Chris’s mother noticed the look in Chris’s eyes. “Don’t get too hopeful,” she warned. Anyway, you’d better get back to bed.
Chris crept up to his room and closed the door behind him. He turned around and jumped at the sight of Fallamanda curled up on his bed. Fallamanda blinked. “This your room?” he asked.
“Yes,” answered Chris. “Now what are you doing in here?”
“Sorry,” replied Fallamanda. “It’s just that I’ve never been inside a human home before.”
Chris climbed into the bed. “So, Fallamanda, why did you come here all the way from Victory Volcano?” he asked.
Fallamanda flinched. “I don’t wanna talk about it. Goodnight.” he muttered.
Fallamanda reached over and pinched out his tail flame, leaving the pair in darkness.

I hope you liked it!

EDIT: Yes, I burrowed the Pokemon Speech idea from Butterfree, I thought it was a brilliant idea and had to use it for myself. I hope she doesn't mind!
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Last edited by Eonrider; 03-05-2010 at 06:04 AM.
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  #2  
Old 12-18-2009, 12:17 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Eon that was great. You're the only one that I know that has written a fanfic like this.
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Old 12-18-2009, 01:39 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riding Thunder View Post
Eon that was great. You're the only one that I know that has written a fanfic like this.
... but it's a trainerfic (or at least it will be, I can tell). It's not so easy to be original when you're writing trainerfics.

Especially not when they're blatantly ripping off much better works.
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:04 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Basically, you took the first chapter of 'The Quest For the Legends' and changed Charmander to Fallamantra. I don't want to be mean but......
YOU'RE A BORDERLINE PLAGAIRIST!
Change it up a little bit, make it less predictable. Readers like surprising stories.
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Old 12-18-2009, 04:59 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Oh, sorry...
I wasn't trying to rip off The Quest For The Legends...
That was just my major inspiration. Can I keep the Pokemon Speech, though?
I'll try not to make it similar to Butterfree's works. Please don't be mad at me... although... the next Pokemon Chris captures is an Eevee, and I don't want to change that, and he catches it in a very different way, I think
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Old 12-18-2009, 07:04 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

O.K. I'm not TOO mad. But you literally copied the story about 95%.
1. The main charecter's best friend leaves, but he doesn't get to.
2. He has a feeling that a pokémon is in the rain, and it is true.
3. It is a fire-type lizard.
4. He will catch an Eevee next.
Lesser version of TQFtL. That doesn't mean you're bad. It's just that no one can best Butterfree! And keep pokémon speech. I am even considering it for my fic. ( Butterfree that idea is BRILLIANT!)
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Old 12-19-2009, 02:03 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Okay, I'm glad that you don't hate me. I meant no harm, but I'm going to try to rewrite the first chapter of the story so it's different. And yes, I'm going to keep the Pokemon Speech idea, but all credit for it goes to Butterfree. I'll have the rewritten Chapter 1 up when I can be bothered.
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Old 12-19-2009, 02:32 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

steele, why would YOU be mad?

It's pretty well written, except for the fact that trainer wanna be finds half dead fire type out in rain
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Old 12-19-2009, 03:24 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Okay I've already revised and rewritten the first chapter of Chris's Pokemon adventure (WOW, that was fast!). It is hopefully non-plagairist, and a lot better than before. Here it is:

Chapter One; Start of One Journey, End of Another


“The three students to graduate are...” The entire room held its breath and time slowed to a near standstill as the senior class teacher of Crossvine town’s Pokemon School for Trainers prepared to announce the students who would be receiving their Pokemon Trainer’s licence and their very own starter Pokemon. “Robert Jackson, Zoe Mackney, and Christopher Smith.”

The audience let out a huge sigh as the three graduates, two boys and a girl, rose from their seats and in turn shook their teacher’s hand and received their certificates. All were excited to bursting but all were too stunned to do anything but stare dumbly at the huge crowd and mumble “Thank you, Miss.”

As the three graduates stood in a line, the audience rose to its feet and thunderous applause flooded the school meeting hall. When the clapping died down, the teacher lifted her chin and said; “Of course choosing the graduates was a very hard decision, but of these three there could be no doubt. All three of these students have been extremely hardworking throughout the year, although recently they have really begun to shine. Last week, when the class used rental Pokemon borrowed from our very own Professor Palm, these three all did very well, Robert and Christopher battled together in the final, and sadly, the match had to end in a draw because we ran out of time, and I’m sorry I missed what was sure to be a spectacular battle. Thank you for coming everyone.”

The audience began to filter through the doors out into the night, and students rushed to find their parents. Chris and Rob walked down from the stage together, talking about what surprises tomorrow might bring. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to get our very own Pokemon!” exclaimed Rob. “It’ll be like when we were little and used to pretend-battle, but so much more REAL!”
“Yeah, I know,” replied Chris. “I can’t wait till tomorrow! I just hope I don’t oversleep like Ash and get dumped with a Pikachu, or worse, a Magikarp!”

The two boys broke out in gales of laughter, continuing until they reached their parents, standing next to each other. Before he knew it, Chris was wrapped it a bear-hug from his mother. “I’m so PROUD of you!” she exclaimed. Chris prized his mother’s arms off of him. “Yeah, thanks,” he stuttered. “Awww, does baby Chwis want a hug fwom his MUMMY?” teased Rob, before he was ambushed by his own mother. “Look who’s talkin’” replied Chris smugly.

The two boys had a lot in common, as far as sharing the same birthday. They had known each other for the majority of their lives, so one of the boy’s traits often rubbed off onto the other. But while Chris had long black hair, for a boy at least, which often hung down over his eyes in strands and hazel eyes, Rob had short-cut blond hair and blue eyes.

“I guess I’ll see you at the lab tomorrow,” said Chris to Rob as their parents led them in separate directions. “Yeah, see ya!” replied Rob. Chris got into his parent's car and drove through Crossvine Town at night. Crossvine was a small town, probably the smallest of any town. Sort of like the towns you come across when you're going on a long drive through the country that only takes about five minutes to get through. And that means the school is absolutely tiny, and the senior class is even smaller, there are only about ten students in the senior class in all. The graduating students get the privelege of getting their own traditional starter Pokemon, the rest will have to wait until the holidays are over, then catch another Pokemon, or wait until next year.

Later, Chris stood at the door to his house, waiting for his father to turn the key and unlock the house. When the door was opened, Chris was greeted by a purring at his feet. He looked down and saw a Glameow looking up at him. “How did it go?” she asked. “I did it,” Chris replied, grinning from ear to ear and showing Glameow the certificate.

While Glameow was not a talking Pokemon, one of the subjects Chris had studied at school was Pokemon Speech. Pokemon could understand humans easily enough, but humans needed to learn it. Chris could now perfectly understand Pokemon Speech, and speak Pokemonish too, though he preferred not to.

“Congrats and all, but I still don’t see why you don’t just take me with you on you r journey,” complained Glameow. Chris sighed. “Because,” he said, “You weren’t bred for battling. Try to hypnotize me right here, and right now.” Glameow looked deep into Chris’s eyes and concentrated, but nothing happened. Grumbling, Glameow walked inside and let Chris in.

After a celebratory dinner, Chris went to bed around midnight, feeling full and excited. He lay down in his bed and fell asleep instantly, despite his massive excitement, and began to dream of becoming the Champion.


NOTES: Chris is still going to get Fallamanda, because I am currently in the process of designing my own fan-region, and Fallamanda is my favourite starter, and Chris is still going to get Eevee, because my fan-region contains two new Eeveelutions and I am planning to evolve it into one of those... but what is the new Eeveelution?!

I hope you liked it!
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Last edited by Eonrider; 03-05-2010 at 06:09 AM.
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Old 12-19-2009, 04:28 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

this thread reeks of second accounts I think
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Old 12-19-2009, 06:11 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

WOW. That was great actually. You have a good writing style. No more shall I be mad. But now I feel like a horrible author and am going to write my fic over for THE SEVENTH TIME. Then I will post it here.
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Old 12-19-2009, 04:37 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Okay, glad that you're not mad, sorry that you're the one feeling horrible. I'll keep an eye out for your fic. The next chapter comes up when I get round to it.
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Old 12-19-2009, 06:03 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

steele, why don't you post it in your own thread? or am I misunderstanding you?

it's better than before, but only three students out of an entire town get to graduate from the school and become trainers?
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Old 12-19-2009, 06:09 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Don't worry about me feeling horrible. I posted my before and then read it and was like, "OH MY GOD, HOW CAN PEOPLE READ THIS BULL$#&%, IT'S F#$%#$# HORRIBLE!"
And so, I have re-written it five times. Moving onto six. I actually know everything I want to happen, but I can't get past the Prologue. It has to be long, overdescriptive, and It will probably be morbid. Certain parts of my fic will be a bit morbid.

Edit: I meant post it on TCoD! Not on this thread!
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Old 12-19-2009, 08:46 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Quote:
Originally Posted by _Ditto_ View Post
but only three students out of an entire town get to graduate from the school and become trainers?
This sort of approach is a terrible one when writing Pokémon fanfiction.
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Old 12-20-2009, 03:15 AM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

_Ditto_ and Leafpool, thank you for your critisism. I have edited the story so it properly explains the matter you both brought up. It is in the part where Chris is just leaving the school.
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Old 12-20-2009, 09:48 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

That fic (/guide) is incredible. Thank you for posting it. I approve entirely.

...I'd post crit, but heck, everything I could ever have said is right up there. I have crit for the critters, though: he didn't "blatantly rip off" TQFTL as much as he just wrote some formulaic churned-out drivel that resembles everything else amateur OT fics have. TQFTL started out amateur, too, which is why the beginning is so familiar and so copyable. Also, it's a good fic but not the paragon of everything that is original and wonderful; dozens of others have Pokemon speech in the same sort of way. And even if you do use the same kind of thing as Butterfree, just credit her and be on your merry way-- it's a mechanic, not a whole story, so I'm sure she won't be too bothered by it.

Read that fic, though. Seriously. It'll help a ton.
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Old 12-20-2009, 10:36 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Quote:
Originally Posted by Involuntary Twitch View Post
...I'd post crit, but heck, everything I could ever have said is right up there. I have crit for the critters, though: he didn't "blatantly rip off" TQFTL as much as he just wrote some formulaic churned-out drivel that resembles everything else amateur OT fics have. TQFTL started out amateur, too, which is why the beginning is so familiar and so copyable.
Except most OT fics start out with the MC getting their starter and leaving their hometown, whereas the original version of this fic that I was critting is pretty much the same as TQftL's - the main character is in fact not able to go on a quest, but then finds a random Pokémon (in this fic, it even happens to be a fan-made Charmander) which will inevitably allow him to go on his quest as planned.

:/
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:19 PM
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Default Re: The Adventures of Chris

Thanks, Leafpool, that did help a lot, just a question, did you read my explanation as to why there are only three students graduating. In case you didn't, here it is :

Quote:
Crossvine was a small town, probably the smallest of any town. Sort of like the towns you come across when you're going on a long drive through the country that only takes about five minutes to get through. And that means the school is absolutely tiny, and the senior class is even smaller, there are only about ten students in the senior class in all. The graduating students get the privelege of getting their own traditional starter Pokemon, the rest will have to wait until the holidays are over, then catch another Pokemon, or wait until next year.
If you did, read it again, in case you missed something. If it still doesn't work, let me know and I'll rewrite it.
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Old 12-22-2009, 08:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eonrider View Post
Thanks, Leafpool, that did help a lot, just a question, did you read my explanation as to why there are only three students graduating. In case you didn't, here it is :



If you did, read it again, in case you missed something. If it still doesn't work, let me know and I'll rewrite it.
I think that's all right.
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