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  #41  
Old 03-30-2011, 02:56 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorem Ipsum View Post
Sonnet 25
Where hope once sat, futility now reigns.
And much as once Cronus sat with golden crown
Until strident Zeus had him from there tane,
My heart you’ve torn and hath my dreams ripped down.
As novae burn, their brightest clouds release,
I’m trapped within this shroud of darkest black:
Within my soul I’m doomed to not find peace,
Ignoring love that is, but that I lack.
You slash, you tear, destroyer of my heart,
Contented in yourself that she, the witch,
You hath once more, and in your haste to dart
To her foul side, to helpless hope you stitch
Me. Woe! For I can’t sway your precious mind,
And so must wait till your true self you find.

comments and crits etc but what are the chances of that?
I'm curious... are you writing this about a straight guy you have feelings for?
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  #42  
Old 03-30-2011, 03:59 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I'm not a poetry person but I really like these, especially the sonnets. Plus those slasher couplets were really interesting to read as well.

I think you have something here.
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  #43  
Old 03-30-2011, 04:57 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Thanks Blastoise :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aobaru View Post
I'm curious... are you writing this about a straight guy you have feelings for?
Every single sonnet that I've written is about a straight guy I have feelings for :/ But the sonnets since number twenty-four have been written about a different person, with whom the story is more complex. To cut it short, my friend semi-drunkenly snogged his best (male) friend and although he denies it fervently everybody who was actually there saw it and it's given me a glimmer of hope but realisations of impossibility etc. etc. add to the general depressedness of the poem.

Concerning which, I have another:

Sonnet 26
I lament the losses that I never had
And court the cold despite my being fine,
For you doth put me in this sour state, sad,
Despite my never naming you as mine.
Perhaps this feeling isn’t that of missing:
Perhaps for you I yearn instead of grieve:
A yearning for romance and endless kissing
That only ends itself at life’s reprieve.
But no, for yearning and too grieving are
The same: a feeling of detachment; loss,
And so in truth I haven’t moved so far
To name the sadness that doth my heart engross.
Accursed pow’rs, when will this feeling end
That me to dark depression always sends?

Also, TES, what's your problem with iambic pentameter?
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  #44  
Old 03-31-2011, 12:32 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorem Ipsum View Post
Also, TES, what's your problem with iambic pentameter?
A general dislike of things in fives. I can't write or read a rhythm that has five beats per line, I find it very difficult to listen to songs in 5/4, let alone play them. I just hate things that come in fives.
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  #45  
Old 04-03-2011, 04:34 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Ah, but they have five lots of two, so therefore ten syllables per line :D and I have another:

Sonnet 27
When into love one’s lock’d, that simple cell
Is nigh impossible to break, with guards
Derived from Venus poised to cruelly fell
The bravest soul whose mind with flight is tarred.
The methods used within th’enthralling gaol
Are none but those dreamed up by dread Hades;
And O, the torture that through them entails
Makes death and pain seem less than simple love is.
Love doth make fools of us all: its heated
Passions and endless throes of agony,
And green eyed envy in the soul deep-seated
That waits to turn the good t’antagony.
Without it, life would lose its vivid rigour
But with it, I do weep with growing vigour.

Last edited by Lorem Ipsum; 07-24-2011 at 04:09 PM.
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  #46  
Old 05-06-2011, 09:39 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Sonnets 28-30 are on my dA, but I've tried something completely different with Sonnet 31 - emulating "next to of course god america i" by E. E. Cummings. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated:

Sonnet 31
oh my dear your eyes are so sweet and blue
and i know that this is wrong so wrong when
i say that i think i'm falling for you
despite the fact i've written with my pen
about others or well just one other
but then there's you and your shining blue eyes
and you could be like me! but then mother
would you be accepting and dad he dies
inside i know when he thinks of me as
that but your eyes my darling and your voice
and your eternal being but not fas
as the romans said to love like you boys
is what the others think and what you want
to think - fall into my embrace! - you can't
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  #47  
Old 07-24-2011, 04:03 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I am, quite possibly, the saddest fifteen year old alive. Why?

"mi dominae non aequant formosum solem ocelli,
sunt corallia plus rubra sibi labra"

The first two lines of Shakey's Sonnet 130, translated into Latin, in proper elegiac metre. Oh dear.
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  #48  
Old 09-07-2011, 09:35 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I have another. I would really appreciate some comments.

Sonnet 34
The blind man yearns for Iris' fairest touch
Upon his sightless eyes, the rays of gold
That shine from nature's orb and firmly clutch
The waking world with changing time's firm hold.
The deaf man craves Apollo's fulgent song
Of beasts, Olympus, heroes, prophets, nymphs;
And then the sweetest tale he's craved so long
Of love and death, Apollo's Hyacinth.
But I don't crave a spectrum in the sky,
Nor sweet effects that heroes ancient sing,
For though their beauty one cannot deny
There's beauty more in one most noble thing.
I wish it more than all; confess it true
That all I want's to whisper, "I love you."
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  #49  
Old 09-08-2011, 02:13 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I... did not expect that one to be a love poem.

I enjoyed your comparison of the confession of one's love to the sounds and sights of gods and goddesses. I think it creates a curious air of purity and superiority for the confession, while at the same time it presents the aspect of imperfection that the Greek gods are known for.

Nice work. I'm a little tired right now, so that's all I got but I might get back to it later.
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  #50  
Old 09-12-2011, 09:08 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Thanks very much for this :) I didn't expect any crits tbh, so this is lovely :) thanks!
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  #51  
Old 09-13-2011, 01:24 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

to be honest I'm not a huge critique because I don't like to analyze things. I was moved by that sonnet, though. :P

EDIT: that and you said you would like some comments, so.
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  #52  
Old 09-26-2011, 09:12 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Moar comments plzkthx

Sonnet 35
If you were here and I had now to judge
Your greatest feature, O my love so bright,
Then just as Paris had to ponder much,
Your beauties force that same internal fight.
Perhaps your eyes, sweet orbs of th'azure sky,
Which glitter and gleam with the day's sweet look?
Perhaps your lips, most equal to your eye,
But hued that rose with which I was first betook?
But though these features beautiful are thine,
Your shining person with them doth compete,
And so's your greatest trait's your smile's shine?
Or th'clearest sound of your bright laughter sweet?
But I don't have to say which statement's true:
For all my love is there for all of you.

Sonnet 36
Tender's the touch that bristles 'twixt our lips
And bright's the fire that burns within your eyes,
Sweet are your gentle hands upon my hips
And from your hair my fingers I can't prise.
The world, it stops its whirling eddy just
For us, and here in this great clarity
We kiss, but then depart we must:
We're stopped by nature's cruel depravity.
The parting stare between us glows with
Warmth that could heat icy, snow-smeared plains
And back I go, fore'er to know this myth
Was not a lie, yet forced t'our kiss contain.
Against Love's plotting one cannot defend
Lest one be held until great Time's own end.

Yes I know the metre is a little freaky but I wanted to play around a little.
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  #53  
Old 10-01-2011, 08:09 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Thoughts and comments much appreciated.

Sonnet 37
O Love, for why dost thou forsake me so
With all your cruel designs for my lone heart?
You set your traps that I might only know
The feeling of my soul you break apart.
You give me hope and chance, and chance and hope,
And I like lamb to slaughter feel that thrill,
But you with all that happiness elope
When you that dimmest, slightest chance dost kill.
The worst part's that I tell myself each time
That I will ne'er again put trust in you,
But you, O Love, are such that's so sublime,
You make me think the next damned hope is true.
You play with me like some old children's doll,
But all these dashed dreams ever take their toll.
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  #54  
Old 03-02-2012, 10:54 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Never written proper free verse before, so this is a first for me! Tell me if it's crap, etc. etc.

http://veritaslux.deviantart.com/art/Ludwig-288221908
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