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Old 08-15-2009, 01:24 PM
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Default Lorem's Poetry Thread

I felt like writing a romantic tragedy, and instead of coming out as a short story, I wrote a poem. I thought I'd share it with you. I'd love some c&c as well.

---

Let me tell you a story
A story of two hearts entwined
This story is of love unmeasured
And tragedy at the same time

She was a Tesco store clerk
A clerk with long brown hair
And when she saw for the first time
Her blue eyes looked over there

There was a Tesco cashier
A cashier with brown eyes
Their chocolate depth did sparkle
As he looked back with surprise

Then the couple’s eyes met;
Met with love at first sight
Then the cashier plucked up the courage
To ask the clerk out that night

The two dined at a bistro
A bistro suave and new
The cashier ordered pasta
The clerk asked for beef stew

The duo talked all evening
For hours numbered five
They drank and talked and talked some more
Their fledgling romance alive

Fast forward seven months
The cashier giddy with love
He asked the clerk to marry
The stars watching above

The vicar was all ready
The vows waiting to be sworn
The clerk was in her bright white dress
In golden braid adorned

Waiting in the chapel
The cashier, handsome and smart
Awaited his truly beloved
Of whose life he wanted to be a part

The service went ahead
The two’s fingers crossed with gold
They kissed in newfound joy
And went forth in marriage, bold


The couple stayed to work in Tesco
Remaining with their friends
Helping out the customers
Noting product trends

Until one rainy, cloudy day
A bedraggled man stormed in
He pulled out a gun and seized a girl
Pressing it under the store clerk’s chin

The shocked cashier ran forward
Trying his love to retrieve
The gunman wanted none of it
The gun coughed out life’s reprieve

The bullet hit the cashier
Blasted into his chest
The gunman stole all what he could
While the clerk began her quest

Tears streamed down the poor clerk’s face
Trying to save her love
Her efforts were to no avail
As she cursed the gods above

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
The cashier buried down low
The clerk standing by the graveside
Her heart torn with sorrow

Last edited by Lorem Ipsum; 08-16-2009 at 11:30 AM. Reason: Adding more poems
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Old 08-16-2009, 11:31 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

More poems; it's just a general poetry thread now.

The Demon Girl

That demon girl whose smile so sweet;
Like thorns on the most beautiful of roses.
Her eyes the red of the blood she spills,
That wretched demon girl

That demon girl with tongue of silver
Like the light on the anglerfish’s head
Her mind the twisted evil she spreads
That wretched demon girl

That one's based off of Dahlia Hawthorne from Phoenix Wright. Mia always calls her 'that demonic woman', and it sounded kinda cool.

Cats
If I had fur just like a cat
Grow all over my body
I would just think “fancy that”
For they’d see me as godly

If I had eyes just like a cat
Bright and darkly round
I would watch them all get fat
Then curl up warm and sound

If I had thoughts just like a cat
A mind of morbid fun
I’d hide beneath a feathered hat
Catching all that try to run

If I became just like a cat
This is what I’d do
I’d catch and kill a dirty rat
Before settling on top of you

I wrote this while my cat was trying to play with me. Go figure.
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Old 09-07-2009, 08:16 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I've written a proper sonnet, the first that actually has emotional and personal relevance to me, and written as a sonnet should be; in praise towards another person. Again, all 'e's with a grave accent (č), accentuate (dogg-ED, bless-ED). Please read it and comment.

Sonnet 1
Whene'er I look into those eyes of yours,
I see a whirling tempest, deep and brown:
The flame of love now deep in my heart roars,
And in this blessčd feeling, I could drown.
That gaze, so mesmerizingly profound,
Seems to wash my mind with ardent love,
You are monarch where none are higher crowned,
A star in my dark sky in heav’ns above.
But why should others trust this, written here?
For though I laud you, these are just still words,
So then those reading must learn to revere
Your beauty, bright, eternal, unslandered.
For you, night shrouded love, are beautiful,
Like moonlight, or like songs of an angel.

Last edited by Lorem Ipsum; 09-10-2009 at 03:40 PM.
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Old 09-07-2009, 09:33 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Golden language... but I didn't like the 'do' that you padded the meter with. Try 'Whenever I look in those eyes of yours'?

Edit: 'Seems to awash my mind with ardent love'. I would cut 'awash' to simply 'wash'. Awash sounds odd as a verb and clearly the emphasis is on 'Seems' whatever you do. There's nothing wrong with losing a first or last syllable here and there.

Last edited by Ruby; 09-07-2009 at 11:25 PM.
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Old 09-08-2009, 08:31 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Thank you for the compliment, it means a lot. I agree with you, I hate putting 'do' infront of verbs to make it fit. Your idea sounds good.

Also, I kinda read the 'seems to awash my mind with ardent love' with the emphasis on 'to'. It might be kinda weird though, so I changed it.

Oh yeah, I've written another sonnet, about the same person again.
Sonnet 2
Why do you torment me so, night shrouded love?
Your infinitely radiant soul close by my side,
Your inner beauty like a sleeping dove,
Calm like the lone shore’s gently dancing tide.
This split between us pains my lovelorn heart:
The torture that you put me through is rough,
Yet I still freely take that poison dart,
For I would take our friendship o’er rebuff.
But you, night shrouded love, are in my mind,
The tantalising fire in my soul,
This flame’s bright light shall never be confined,
However much your torment takes its toll.
But I would gladly die and die again,
To hear your name resound in halls of heav’n.
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Old 09-10-2009, 02:24 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lorem Ipsum View Post
Thank you for the compliment, it means a lot. I agree with you, I hate putting 'do' infront of verbs to make it fit. Your idea sounds good.

Also, I kinda read the 'seems to awash my mind with ardent love' with the emphasis on 'to'. It might be kinda weird though, so I changed it.
Haha, you don't have to do everything I suggest! My suggestions are probably no good.

Quote:
Oh yeah, I've written another sonnet, about the same person again.
Sonnet 2
Why do you torment me so, night shrouded love?
Your infinitely radiant soul close by my side,
Your inner beauty like a sleeping dove,
Calm like the lone shore’s gently dancing tide.
This split between us pains my lovelorn heart:
The torture that you put me through is rough,
Yet I still freely take that poison dart,
For I would take our friendship o’er rebuff.
But you, night shrouded love, are in my mind,
The tantalising fire in my soul,
This flame’s bright light shall never be confined,
However much your torment takes its toll.
But I would gladly die and die again,
To hear your name resound in halls of heav’n.
I prefer this one and haven't any complaints.

Last edited by Ruby; 01-17-2011 at 11:36 AM.
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Old 09-10-2009, 03:44 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Thanks! My favourite part was the couplet at the end, I was really pleased with that. I'm writing another sonnet at the moment. But talking of couplets, I wrote a series of five couplets, describing a maniacal killer. I'm quite pleased with them.

The Killer's Regale

A Killer's Regale - 1
I slash and cut and maim: discreet,
Then traipse off, laughing, down the street.

A Killer's Regale - 2
I sing, the madman down the lane,
The shadowy one - my victims' bane.

A Killer's Regale - 3
I slit their throats in madman's song,
Is what I'm doing really wrong?

A Killer's Regale - 4
And with this final strangled note,
I laugh maniacally then slit my throat.

A Killer's Regale - 5
As my thick blood spills on the page,
I leave and know I've spent my rage.

Last edited by Lorem Ipsum; 09-10-2009 at 07:58 PM.
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Old 09-10-2009, 06:29 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

You mean 'discreet', I think.
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Old 09-10-2009, 07:53 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Yeah. I knew that both of them had different meanings; I just couldn't remember which was which. Thanks.

Is it me or does the Writing section in general get hardly any posts?
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Old 09-12-2009, 09:02 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

A third sonnet, anybody?

Sonnet 3
Tell me of your fears, night shrouded one,
For I have seen the sorrow in your eyes,
The darkness where once was shining the sun,
That glorious beauty underneath this guise.
Your tear streaked face does not just affect you,
For when in sadness you cannot but dwell,
I feel emotions deep within me too,
An emptiness and grief I share as well.
When in the sea of anguish you must drown,
I feel by duty bound to aid your soul,
So to reverse that melancholy frown,
I would move stars and moons to make you whole.
For though your beauty never fades in tears,
Your sadness makes your glories just veneers.
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Old 09-12-2009, 10:29 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Perhaps swap 'affect' and 'just' around? It will be metrical and more grammatical.
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Old 09-25-2009, 05:50 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I've completed a fourth sonnet. It seemed a bit crap while I was writing it, but after reading it through, it sounded a bit better. I’d like some crits on it, please.

Sonnet 4
You cannot comprehend my love for you,
Night shrouded one, do not attempt to know!
But fathom this; its wondrous depths are true,
And you close by just causes it to glow.
However much I want to try and say,
It never will explain my love locked mind,
My words, however sweet, cannot display
My flame of passion whole and unrefined.
So please, night shrouded love, don’t torture me!
Don’t torture me with your distorted guess!
Leave me to stay in this warm mystery,
For this forbidden love, I can’t profess.
The quarrel of my soul is hard to bear,
But I cannot just break this iron snare!
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Old 09-30-2009, 03:49 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Brand new sonnet, c&c appreciated.

Sonnet 5
Why did this foul fortune befall me,
In which I cannot sing my hymns of love?
For you night shrouded one, are yet to see
How my heart aches for you, blessed from above.
Now every fibre in this soul of mine
Calls out to me to sate my strong rapture,
For I am everything but feeling fine:
More drowning in my heart-fire’s aching roar.
And yet my mind forbids my ardent flame,
For its infinity would kill your trust,
And still I can’t but love you all the same;
In new romance that time will never rust.
And now I think that more than e’er before
I am in love, and of that I am sure.
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Old 10-04-2009, 11:43 AM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

New sonnet. Please comment on it!

Sonnet 6
Yours are the feet of heav’n that walk on Earth,
Yours is the voice of th’angels from above,
Your laughter is celestial; full of mirth;
You are but perfect, O night shrouded love.
That smile of yours, undoubtedly divine,
No omnipotent could create such art,
And now these godlike attributes combine
To win a place eternal in my heart.
And all I want is you to look at me,
And share the way that I’m feeling for you,
That feeling of romance and not of amity,
Though I do know this wish will ne’er come true.
And so I must continue to just dream
And stay on; try to catch your love’s bright gleam.
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Old 10-04-2009, 09:43 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

I always quibble in this thread, Lorem, and I'm sorry but there are two very small changes that I think will help the poem flow. Change 'the way that I’m feeling for you' to 'the way I feel for you', and 'to just dream' to 'just to dream'.
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Old 10-07-2009, 05:59 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Please, don’t be sorry: this is the only way that I’ll ever improve. I agree with the second change, but the first one means that the line is two syllables short of the meter (is it metre or meter in Bringlish?), which just doesn’t fit at all. Until I find a word (or an adjective specifically) to fill the gap, it’s staying.

But I’ve written another sonnet, which is going in my school’s magazine! It’s the first one that doesn’t deal specifically with the ‘night shrouded’ character. Tell me what you think :)

Sonnet 7
Affection is a word I do not use,
For true affection is the same as love,
And love is not a subject simply mused,
It’s more a blessing from the force above.
And yet love is not easily defined,
For there is romance and a family link,
And while family should not be left behind,
A romance is more complex, I do think.
The feeling that two loving people share
Has depths within its complicated depths,
And real, defining love is always rare,
And never squandered but close by you kept.
For love is life’s most awesome mystery,
And only those who feel it can be free.

EDIT: Welcome to the austere world of my mind:

Flammae Deo
In flammae deorum, terram peribit!
In cantae angelorum nuntium narribit!
Et homoni perans te vituperabunt,
Tollum dei, urbemque ubi sunt!

"In the flames of the gods, the earth will die,
In the songs of angels, the news will be told,
And dying humanity will curse your name,
You, highest gods, and the city where you are!"

Last edited by Lorem Ipsum; 10-07-2009 at 08:50 PM.
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:03 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Meter in poety is always spelt with the r after the e. By the way, which poets do you read? I probably won't recognize all of them, but I'll recognize some.

Last edited by Ruby; 01-17-2011 at 11:38 AM.
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Old 10-08-2009, 05:13 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Well, I read Shakespeare a lot, Milton, Byron, Yeats, Wilde, you know, the classics. I also read Carol Ann Duffy (got interested in her when she was appointed Laureate), John Masefield... I don’t really dabble in lesser-known poets; I just seem drawn to the big works. After Paradise Lost, it’s going to be “The Divine Comedy”.
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Old 10-08-2009, 08:05 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

That list has far too many romanticists. :( I suggest more modernists, especially from the 1920s and 30s.
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Old 10-11-2009, 04:48 PM
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Default Re: Lorem's Poetry Thread

Anyone in particular you've got in mind?

New sonnet!

Sonnet 8
The lives of men become debauched in time
Obsessed with thoughts of passion and of lust,
Lusting after women unrefined,
Their speech to their comments as steel to rust.
This language is an unattractive trait,
These thoughts do next to nothing to endear,
If you have troubles that you need to sate,
Then don’t sate them by me or nearby here!
So I implore you, O night shrouded one,
Do not fall in the trap of fools and cheats,
For this infection’s not simply undone:
The cleansing of a life’s no easy feat.
And so, my love, I’ve warned you here and now
Of th’ evil in the world and of the foul.
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