• Welcome to The Cave of Dragonflies forums, where the smallest bugs live alongside the strongest dragons.

    Guests are not able to post messages or even read certain areas of the forums. Now, that's boring, don't you think? Registration, on the other hand, is simple, completely free of charge, and does not require you to give out any personal information at all. As soon as you register, you can take part in some of the happy fun things at the forums such as posting messages, voting in polls, sending private messages to people and being told that this is where we drink tea and eat cod.

    Of course I'm not forcing you to do anything if you don't want to, but seriously, what have you got to lose? Five seconds of your life?

In Progress Julie's Journey

Kaithepokemontrainer

Kaithepokemontrainer

New member
She was an ordinary girl,with pale skin,and her hair and eyes were brown,like leaves in the middle of autumn.Her name was Julie Andrews.
Julie Andrews was a normal girl from Lilycove City.When she was 10,her parents wouldn't let her leave on her pokemon journey like all her friends,and when she finally left on
her journey,she was 14,and she didn't get the Treecko she had wanted,just a Shuppet her parents had caught at Mt.Pyre,and a Pikachu that was half it's normal size.She just
wanted to be normal,to have fun and be a regular trainer while she had the chance...she didn't believe in things she didn't see...Little did Julie know that the things she
didn't believe in were about to change her life forever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I walked in the Fortree Gym.Winona,the Leader,spoke to me.

"Hello,I'm Winona,Leader of Fortree Gym.How many badges and pokemon do you have?" she asked.

"I'm Julie,I have no badges and two pokemon." I said.Winona walked to a shelf and grabbed two pokeballs,and threw one to the ground,releasing a Swablu.I sent out Shuppet.

"Challenger goes first." Winona responded.

"Shuppet...your other attacks won't work...try a Night Shade!" I commanded.Shuppet launched a Night Shade at the Swablu,which just barely hit.

"Strong pokemon you have for a beginner.Swablu,Aerial Ace!" Winona commanded.Her Swablu darted forward and attacked Shuppet before he could move.

"That's a very well trainer Swablu you have,but I think another Night Shade would finish it off.Shuppet,Night Shade!" I said.Shuppet launched the Night Shade a little to the
left of Swablu,and Swablu got hit by it while trying to dodge,knocking the little bird out.

"Good job.Go,my last pokemon,Tropius...Solarbeam!" Winona said,returning her Swablu and sending out a large Tropius,which I wasn't sure Shuppet could handle.

"Shuppet,use a Night Shade!" I commanded my pokemon.Shuppet launched a Night Shade at Tropius,who hit the Night Shade with her wing,sending it flying back at Shuppet.The Night
Shade hit my Shuppet in the face,knocking it out.

"Are you freaking kidding me!?!?" I shouted,returning my Shuppet.

"Nope.Now,send out your other pokemon." Winona told me.

"Go,Sean!Don't get hit by Solarbeam!" I said,sending out my tiny Pikachu.Sean looked at me like I was crazy.

"Pikachu!Cha!" Sean said fearfully.Tropius launched the Solarbeam,and he used Double Team to avoid it.

"That Pikachu sure is a tiny thing...Tropius,charge up another Solarbeam!" Winona said.

"Don't insult Sean!Sean,use a Thundershock while it's charging!" I said.Tropius,unable to move out of the way,was hit and paralyzed by the Thundershock.The paralysis prevented
it from unleashing Solarbeam,and Sean knocked it out with another Thundershock.

"Sean,we did it!" I said,scooping him up and bear hugging him.

"Chaa...!Pipipikachu!!" Sean said happily,before I returned him.

"You deserve this...the Feather Badge,and with it,you can use Fly outside of battle.Good luck at the next Gym!" Winona said,handing me my first badge.I thanked her and left the
Gym,heading to the Pokemon Center.I walked inside and gave my two pokemon to Nurse Joy,who healed them.

"We hope to see you again!" The Nurse Joy called to me as I walked out the door.I started walking through the jungle of Route 119.After a few minutes of walking,a boy with black
hair and blue eyes walked up to me.

"My name is Tim...Do you want to battle?" He asked me.

"Sure.Go,Shuppet!" I said,sending out my starter.The boy sent out a small fish pokemon.

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's a Feebas.You wouldn't know what they are because they're so rare." Tim replied.

"Shuppet...use Night Shade on the Feebas." I said.Shuppet knocked out the Feebas in one hit.

"Return..go Shroomish...use Stun Spore." Tim said,sending out the small mushroom pokemon,which paralyzed and knocked out Shuppet before I could land a hit.

"Sean,go,use Thundershock!" I said.The Shroomish jumped up,trying to avoid the attack,but got hit anyway.

"Shroomish,use Bullet Seed!" Tim commanded.Sean dodged most of the seeds,but the last seed knocked him out.I returned Sean.

"Good battle.You know,maybe you and me should travel together.I'm already traveling with two other trainers,but you could join us." Tim offered.

"Sure...but I need to go heal my pokemon first." I said,walking off towards Fortree City.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any questions,help,advice,or ideas of what could happen next would be greatly appreciated.I especially need help keeping Julie from becoming a Mary-Sue like most of my past characters,I really don't want to have that happen.
Also,usually I plan out the teams of main characters before writing,but Julie's team isn't planned out at all,and neither is Tim or any other character's team.And I'm accepting OCs if you want one to be in this story.
 
Chapter 2:A Brand New Day
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In fifteen minutes,I was back on Route 119 with Tim.

"My two friends and I are camping to the east of here.Come on,follow me." Tim said.

"Well...I'm just feeling kind of uneasy...can you tell me more about them?" I asked,not sure what else to say.

"Well,Jen and Henry are friends of mine...we grew up in Fortree together.Our parents wouldn't let us go on our pokemon journeys until we were older.Jen has a Lotad and Henry
has a Mawile as starters.We just started our journeys last week,we've all beat Winona,but we're staying here for now because the pokemon on the next route are stronger." Tim
said to me.

"Well,they'll probably want to battle me when I meet them,and I'm not too keen on losing again..." I said.

"Relax,they only do double battles.If you can take out one of their pokemon,the other one won't be able to do very well." Tim said,giving me advice.

"Thanks.How far away from your campsite are we?" I asked.

"See that clearing off in the distance?" Tim asked.

"Yes..." I said.

"The campsite's on the other side of that clearing,we should be there in a few minutes." Tim responded.

"Ok then." I said.In about two minutes,we had arrived at the campsite,which I saw had three tents.I had brought my own from Lilycove Department Store,but I didn't know how to
set it up,but I guess one of them could help me with it.I saw two kids,a boy and a girl(Henry and Jen,no doubt)with light blonde,almost white colored hair.Their eyes weren't
one color in particular,but an indescribable mix of several different colors,which I thought was odd.Henry saw us first.

"Tim,who's this?" He asked.

"This is Julie.She's a new trainer from Lilycove,and she just beat Winona earlier today.She's going to be traveling with us from now on." Tim explained.

"Nice to meet you." Henry and Jen said at the same time.

"Do you always talk at the same time like that?It's kind of creepy." I said.

"Ocasionally." They said in unison again,as if they were reading eachother's minds.'

"Ok then I'll just ignore that..." I said.

"What pokemon do you have?" Jen asked me out of curiousity.

"I have my starter,Shuppet,and my Pikachu,Sean." I said,sending them out.

"I've never seen a Pikachu before...I didn't know they were that small." Henry said.Sean looked like he was about to zap him.

"Pipipi!Cha!" Sean cried angrily.

"I think you hurt his feelings,Henry,how could you be that rude?" Jen asked.

"Oh.Sorry little buddy." Henry said,reaching down to pet Sean.Sean decided to control his anger and now shock him.

"You know,maybe we should have a battle!" Henry and Jen said in unison.

"Uh,sure...Tim,you be judge." I said.Henry and Jen released their Mawile and Lotad.

"Ok,um...let the battle begin?" Tim said.

"Shuppet,Sean,Night Shade on Mawile,and Thundershock on Lotad!" I said.Shuppet launched a Night Shade at Mawile,who dodged the attack easily.Lotad,however,was not able to avoid
Thundershock and almost fainted.

"Mawile,use Bite on Shuppet!Lotad,use Astonish on Shuppet!" Henry and Jen said.When Shuppet tried to dodge Mawile's attack,Lotad hit him,and then while Shuppet was recovering,
Mawile launched his attack,knocking Shuppet out.I returned him.

"Sean,Double Team!" I said.Sean used Double Team,making several clones of himself.

"Try Bite and Astonish again!" Henry and Jen commanded.Their attacks missed Sean,hitting the clones instead.Sean counterattacked with a Thundershock,knocking out Lotad.

"Lotad return." Jen said.

"Mawile,try to use Bite again!" Henry commanded.

"Sean,Thundershock!" I said.Sean darted forward and attacked Mawile,knocking it out,before Mawile could move.I felt great!

"Great job,Julie." Jen said,congradulating me on winning as Henry returned Mawile.Tim spoke up.

"Well,it's getting late.I think we might leave to head towards Mauville tomorrow,don't you think?" Tim asked us.

"Yes,we should keep going,and I think Julie's strong enough to move on too." Henry said.

"Well,I'm going to stay up,because I don't feel like going to sleep now.I might go train somewhere after I heal my pokemon.Goodnight guys." I said,pulling out a Revive and two
Potions to heal my pokemon.I couldn't wait to get my second badge tomorrow,or the next day,or whenever it was I'd get it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------Any questions,help,advice,or ideas of what could happen next would be greatly appreciated.I especially need help keeping Julie from becoming a Mary-Sue like most of my past characters,I really don't want to have that happen.Also,usually I plan out the teams of main characters before writing,but Julie's team isn't planned out at all,and neither is
Tim,Henry,Jen or any other character's team,so if you want them to catch a
certain pokemon,let me know.And I'm accepting OCs if you want one to be in this story.
 
One thing you need to fix is your typing grammar. You should put a space after every punctuation mark (like periods and commas). For example:

"Great job,Julie." Jen said,congradulating me on winning as Henry returned Mawile.Tim spoke up.

should be

"Great job, Julie." Jen said, congratulating me on winning as Henry returned Mawile. Tim spoke up.
 
I'm going to only do chapter one for now.

First, formatting. The internet standard is to put full spaces inbetween each paragraph; much like how my post will be. This way it is much easier to read online.

Second, as it was already mentioned, you need to put a space after each punctuation mark; ie, periods, commas, question marks, exclaimation points, etc.


Kaithepokemontrainer said:
She was an ordinary girl,with pale skin,and her hair and eyes were brown,like leaves in the middle of autumn.Her name was Julie Andrews.
Click to expand...

Perhaps give us the name before the description?

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
Julie Andrews was a normal girl from Lilycove City.When she was 10,her parents wouldn't let her leave on her pokemon journey like all her friends,and when she finally left on
her journey,she was 14,and she didn't get the Treecko she had wanted,just a Shuppet her parents had caught at Mt.Pyre,and a Pikachu that was half it's normal size.She just
wanted to be normal,to have fun and be a regular trainer while she had the chance...she didn't believe in things she didn't see...Little did Julie know that the things she
didn't believe in were about to change her life forever.
Click to expand...

What is this formatting, I don't even... What's with the random spacing in the middle of sentences? Copypasta error?

Watch for run on sentences. Also, what made her parents finally give in and let her go? Why didn't they let her go in the first place? How does she rate in getting more than one starter Pokémon? What makes this Pikachu special besides its size? What is the point in the Shuppet besides just having it there?


Kaithepokemontrainer said:
I walked in the Fortree Gym.Winona,the Leader,spoke to me.

"Hello,I'm Winona,Leader of Fortree Gym.How many badges and pokemon do you have?" she asked.
Click to expand...


Now we're into the dialogue. This sentence should go with the previous.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"I'm Julie,I have no badges and two pokemon." I said.Winona walked to a shelf and grabbed two pokeballs,and threw one to the ground,releasing a Swablu.I sent out Shuppet.
Click to expand...
'

I'm going to pop in and suggest nick naming your Pokémon. It adds a bit of a personal flair and helps readers connect with the Pokémon.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Challenger goes first." Winona responded.
Click to expand...

Should be a comma after 'first', not a period.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Shuppet...your other attacks won't work...try a Night Shade!" I commanded.Shuppet launched a Night Shade at the Swablu,which just barely hit.

"Strong pokemon you have for a beginner.Swablu,Aerial Ace!" Winona commanded.Her Swablu darted forward and attacked Shuppet before he could move.

"That's a very well trainer Swablu you have,but I think another Night Shade would finish it off.Shuppet,Night Shade!" I said.Shuppet launched the Night Shade a little to the
left of Swablu,and Swablu got hit by it while trying to dodge,knocking the little bird out.
Click to expand...

Looks like a format derp, again. Is she like the standard evil villian? Shouting out plans before doing them? Screams disadvantage to me.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Good job.Go,my last pokemon,Tropius...Solarbeam!" Winona said,returning her Swablu and sending out a large Tropius,which I wasn't sure Shuppet could handle.

"Shuppet,use a Night Shade!" I commanded my pokemon.Shuppet launched a Night Shade at Tropius,who hit the Night Shade with her wing,sending it flying back at Shuppet.The Night
Shade hit my Shuppet in the face,knocking it out.
Click to expand...

Format derp.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Are you freaking kidding me!?!?" I shouted,returning my Shuppet.

"Nope.Now,send out your other pokemon." Winona told me.

"Go,Sean!Don't get hit by Solarbeam!" I said,sending out my tiny Pikachu.Sean looked at me like I was crazy.

"Pikachu!Cha!" Sean said fearfully.Tropius launched the Solarbeam,and he used Double Team to avoid it.
Click to expand...

..... Pickachu... cha... *tries not to laugh*.

Try it, say it out loud. Exactly.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"That Pikachu sure is a tiny thing...Tropius,charge up another Solarbeam!" Winona said.

"Don't insult Sean!Sean,use a Thundershock while it's charging!" I said.Tropius,unable to move out of the way,was hit and paralyzed by the Thundershock.The paralysis prevented
it from unleashing Solarbeam,and Sean knocked it out with another Thundershock.

"Sean,we did it!" I said,scooping him up and bear hugging him.

"Chaa...!Pipipikachu!!" Sean said happily,before I returned him.

"You deserve this...the Feather Badge,and with it,you can use Fly outside of battle.Good luck at the next Gym!" Winona said,handing me my first badge.I thanked her and left the
Gym,heading to the Pokemon Center.I walked inside and gave my two pokemon to Nurse Joy,who healed them.

"We hope to see you again!" The Nurse Joy called to me as I walked out the door.I started walking through the jungle of Route 119.After a few minutes of walking,a boy with black
hair and blue eyes walked up to me.
Click to expand...

More format derp.

Hyphen needed in 'bear hugging'.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"My name is Tim...Do you want to battle?" He asked me.
Click to expand...

'He' should be lower case.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Sure.Go,Shuppet!" I said,sending out my starter.The boy sent out a small fish pokemon.

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's a Feebas.You wouldn't know what they are because they're so rare." Tim replied.

"Shuppet...use Night Shade on the Feebas." I said.Shuppet knocked out the Feebas in one hit.

"Return..go Shroomish...use Stun Spore." Tim said,sending out the small mushroom pokemon,which paralyzed and knocked out Shuppet before I could land a hit.

"Sean,go,use Thundershock!" I said.The Shroomish jumped up,trying to avoid the attack,but got hit anyway.

"Shroomish,use Bullet Seed!" Tim commanded.Sean dodged most of the seeds,but the last seed knocked him out.I returned Sean.

"Good battle.You know,maybe you and me should travel together.I'm already traveling with two other trainers,but you could join us." Tim offered.

"Sure...but I need to go heal my pokemon first." I said,walking off towards Fortree City.
Click to expand...

Ok, for this whole exchange, I suggest looking up how to punctuate dialogue. opal has one here.

I'll quote it for you.

opaltiger said:
DIALOGUE

Dialogue is characters’ speaking. It seems most useful to write the rules of dialogue straight off.

(1) Every quotation begins with a capital letter.

He said, “stand up.” (Wrong)
He said, “Stand up.” (Right)

(2) When one quotation is cut into parts by he said, she replied, etc., only the first part begins with a capital. The other parts begin with a lower-case letter.

“Stand up,” he said, “And get your things.” (Wrong)
“Stand up,” he said, “and get your things.” (Right)

(3) The punctuation at the end of each quotation is inside the quotation marks.

“Stand up”, he said, “and get your things”. (Wrong in two places)

(4) A period (a full stop) is never put straight before he said, she replied, etc. You may use exclamation marks, question marks, and commas, but not periods.

“Be quiet.” She said. (Wrong)
“Be quiet.” she said. (Wrong)
“Be quiet,” she said. (Right)

(5) He said, she said, etc., do not begin with a capital letter when they come after an exclamation mark, question mark, or comma.

“Be quiet!” She said. (Wrong)
“Be quiet!” she said. (Right)

(6) If he said (etc.) is not at the end of a sentence, add a comma to the end of he said.

“Jo,” he said “what’s wrong?” (Wrong)
“Jo,” he said, “what’s wrong?” (Right)
“Nothing,” she replied “really.” (Wrong)
“Nothing,” she replied, “really.” (Right)

(7) A new paragraph is created whenever a different person begins speaking.

“Hello,” said Smith. “Who are you?” Jones replied. (Wrong. A new paragraph should be created just before Jones says “Who are you?”)

The best way to remember the rules of dialogue is to read characters’ conversations in books.
Click to expand...

You have a habit of telling, not showing. You're not telling your friends what happened last weekend, you're showing us a world, a universe.
 
Thanks for the advice Phantom. And you're right, I did a terrible job with the format of the first chapter. And you're right, I do need to be more descriptive. And there's that whole Night Shade-hitting-Swablu-even-though-Swablu-is-a-normal-type thing. Also, I didn't give Shuppet a nickname because I couldn't think of a good one...when Julie gets to Slateport she'll go to the Name Rater and rename him. I still haven't had anyone say anything about the fact that my character started out with an unusual pokemon, and that nobody said anything about the fact I begin the story in Fortree City, completely ignoring Julie getting Shuppet and traveling to the city.
 
Wait a minute,I wrote that wrong...she caught Sean at the Safari Zone on the way to Fortree. She didn't get him as a starter. If she got Sean in the begining, she'd have probably ditched Shuppet.
 
Kaithepokemontrainer said:
I still haven't had anyone say anything about the fact that my character started out with an unusual pokemon, and that nobody said anything about the fact I begin the story in Fortree City, completely ignoring Julie getting Shuppet and traveling to the city.
Click to expand...

You seem to have a pretty good reason for giving her the Shuppet though! If the professor had just been like "oh, we're out of normal starters here have this random Shuppet," then it would've been a little weird, but getting it from her parents is fine!

(also I feel terrible for this but naming your character Julie Andrews made me think of the queen of Genovia as a Pokemon trainer and it is a beautiful image)
 
Hmm... Story seems good. All moves are legal, except that one Night Shade vs Swablu slip. Grammar and punctuation need some work as Phantom said, perhaps copyediting it or proofreading it before publishing would be a good idea. Also, you use a lot of ellipses. Just saying, though I'm not one to speak...

And now for a little nitpick on two pseudoparagraphs in the second chapter...
Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Sean,Thundershock!" I said.Sean darted forward and attacked Mawile,knocking it out,before Mawile could move.I felt great!

"Great job,Julie." Jen said,congradulating me on winning as Henry returned Mawile.Tim spoke up.
Click to expand...
Well, some stuff about this. The first pseudoparagraph should be written as follows:
"Sean, Thundershock!" I said. Sean darted forward and attacked Mawile, knocking it out before [it/he/she] could move. I felt great! [You may want to use a period; correct me if I'm wrong.]

And second pseudoparagraph: Not much except spacing and you spelled "congratulating" wrong. You may want a different word than "return" because it seems like Henry is giving Mawile back to someone else.

A minor nitpick that probably won't matter: Two Thundershocks couldn't have possibly defeated Mawile, which resists it, unless Sean was at an extremely high level. alternatively, you could change Thundershock to Thunderbolt, which would almost probably 2HKO Mawile.
 
Chapter 3:The Messenger
--------------------------------------------------------------------------That night I walked off into the jungle to train my pokemon. I couldn't sleep, Shuppet didn't have to sleep, and Sean was eager to become stronger. So we trained. Something happened that night that I never expected to happen.At the time,Sean was battling a Zigzaggoon.

"Sean,Thundershock!" I said. Sean had attacked the Zigzaggoon,paralyzing it. I threw a pokeball and caught the Zigzaggoon. I released the Zigzaggoon again.

"I'm going to name you Albert. Oh,wait a minute, you're a girl...well, how do you like the name Allie?" I said. The pokemon seemed to like the name, so that's what I named her.I sent out Shuppet.

"Shuppet,this is Allie,our new team member. Say hello." I said.

"Shuppiiit." My starter said in greeting.

"Well, I'm glad you're all getting along." I said, but then I noticed my pokemon were ignoring me, and they were all looking at a tree to the right of here, so I figured some Kecleon was in the tree or something, but when they didn't move, I got worried. Then I heard a voice.

"Hello, Julie..." I heard a voice say ominously. My pokemon reacted to hearing the voice, which means they heard it too, and I'm not going crazy. Shuppet launched a Night Shade at the tree, in the direction the voice came from. Allie stood completely still, as if she thought she'd die if she moved. Sean was completely silent,pointing in the direction of the tree. The voice spoke again.

"Oh, your pokemon can see my true form. I suppose that's what's scaring them." the voice said. Suddenly, a Manectric appeared standing next to the tree,literally out of thin air.I was unnerved by it. The Manectric, obviously the voice we heard, spoke again.

"Oh, I guess I forgot to tell you, Julie. I don't really have a name, but most refer to me as the Messenger. I work for the legendary pokemon of Hoenn, and I've come to deliver a message." the Messenger said.

"You don't exist. This is all a dream, I must have fallen asleep after I caught Allie. The legendary pokemon don't exist, and neither do you. I'm going to close my eyes, and, when I open them you'll be gone." I said. I closed my eyes and opened them again and the Messenger was no longer there. Then I turned around and saw he had walked behind me. I screamed.

"I love doing that, scaring people just when they think I've gone away...I mean it's just so easy!" the Messenger said.

"Ok...well, obviously this must be real...well, then, what's your message?" I asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"Well, your world is having trouble...do you remember the Team Aqua and Team Magma incident 7 years ago?" the Messenger asked.

"Yes..." I said, not sure I liked the way this was going.

"Well some idiots reformed Team Magma and Team Aqua, and there's a new team called Team Sky that wants to capture Rayquaza and take over the world. The only reason the legends haven't done anything about it is because they're all dormant, except for Latios, Latias, and Deoxys, so...well, you're the Chosen One who has to save the world." the Messenger explained.

"Are you freaking kidding me!? I'm not fit to be the Chosen One, I can't even make an A on a math test! I'm a terrible trainer with one badge and I only win about a third of all my battles! I don't want to be the Chosen One! Why do I have to be the Chosen One!?" I ranted.

"Because the last Chosen One got shot to death by Team Magma's new leader and because you're the only choice the legends have left..." the Messenger said.

"What!? Someone gave Team Magma, Aqua, and Sky weapons!? What kind of idiot will sell guns to psychopaths like that!?" I said, freaking out.

"I don't know. Anyway, you can either be the Chosen One,or everyone in this region will either die or be enslaved by them. The environmental disaster caused by Groudon,Kyogre, and Rayquaza could even destroy the entire world, and if it didn't, it could send the legends into a global war that would destroy the world." the Messenger said,stating the obvious.

"Well...ok, I have no choice... so what do I do?" I asked.

"Well, Regirock, Regice, Registeel, and Jirachi are dormant. Your task is to awaken them. First, go get your second badge from Mauville to become stronger. Then I will tell you more." the Messenger told me.After he said that,he simply disappeared.I returned my pokemon, walked back to camp, set up my tent, and went to sleep. I still wasn't sure if what just happened really happened, or if I just imagined it. And if it was real, how would I explain it to the others?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any questions,help,advice,or ideas of what could happen next would be greatly appreciated.I especially need help keeping Julie from becoming a Mary-Sue like most of my past characters,I really don't want to have that happen.Also,usually I plan out the teams of main characters before writing,but Julie's team isn't planned out at all,and neither is
Tim,Henry,Jen or any other character's team,so if you want them to catch a certain pokemon,let me know.And I'm accepting OCs if you want one to be in this story.Please don't bring up things everyone else has already mentioned. Be creative when you review please. And I made a signup for a roleplay called The Third World that's going to start soon(I hope). If you're interested, sign up. If you're not, please at least look at it.
 
Flora said:
(also I feel terrible for this but naming your character Julie Andrews made me think of the queen of Genovia as a Pokemon trainer and it is a beautiful image)
Click to expand...

no no it's mary poppins and/or maria as a pokemon trainer

Absoul said:
A minor nitpick that probably won't matter: Two Thundershocks couldn't have possibly defeated Mawile, which resists it, unless Sean was at an extremely high level. alternatively, you could change Thundershock to Thunderbolt, which would almost probably 2HKO Mawile.
Click to expand...

whatchoo talkin bout? electric is neutral on steel

also kai: you say you don't want julie to be a mary sue and yet she's the chosen one
um
no
 
Well I wanted to make the regis tie into the story somehow and I wasn't sure how else to do it. But yeah your right as soon as somebody says "Chosen One" you pretty much automatically become a Mary-Sue.
 
[augment: Oh, for some reason I think every type except Water, Fire, Ground, and Fighting is NVE against Steel. sorry kai and well other people]

What? Julie is evolving! Congratulations! Your Julie evolved into a Kind-of-Mary-Sue!
Anyway. zigzagoon is spelled zigzagoon.

Kaithepokemontrainer said:
"Sean,Thundershock!" I said. Sean had attacked the Zigzaggoon,paralyzing it.
Click to expand...
Sean attacked, not Sean had attacked. space after the commas.

I threw a pokeball and caught the Zigzaggoon. I released the Zigzaggoon again.
Click to expand...
Well, Julie didn't send out the Zigzagoon before, so she can't have done it again.

"I'm going to name you Albert. Oh,wait a minute, you're a girl...well, how do you like the name Allie?" I said. The pokemon seemed to like the name, so that's what I named her.I sent out Shuppet.
Click to expand...
Julie has this awesome gender-sensing ability that only activates thirty seconds after the Pokemon has been caught!!! In this universe, Zigzagoon have not-entirely-obvious gender differences!!!
...Unless that's the case, how did she know the Zigzagoon was a male? Did she show disappointment in being named with a male name? How did Allie seem to like the name?

"Shuppet,this is Allie,our new team member. Say hello." I said.

"Shuppiiit." My starter said in greeting.

"Well, I'm glad you're all getting along." I said
Click to expand...
This should be
"Shuppet, this is Allie, our new team member. Say hello," I said.

"Shuppiiit," my starter said in greeting.

"Well, I'm glad you're all getting along," I said

and they were all looking at a tree to the right of here
Click to expand...
where is here? is it in australia

"Hello, Julie..." I heard a voice say ominously. My pokemon reacted to hearing the voice, which means they heard it too, and I'm not going crazy.
Click to expand...
Some verb tense disagreement. "My Pokemon reacted to hearing the voice, which meant they heard it too, and I was not going crazy." or "My Pokemon react to hearing the voice, which means they hear it too, and I'm not going crazy" but then you would have to rewrite the majority of the story to use present tense.

I was unnerved by it. The Manectric, obviously the voice we heard, spoke again.
Click to expand...
Perhaps the first sentence here could be rephrased to avoid passive voice as It unnerved me.

That's about it. You seem to have a slight problem with telling not showing (as Phantom said earlier.) Ask questions to yourself about your story and answer the questions in the story with more detail. and ugh why is bold text so big
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom