In Progress Eye of the Dragon

[Lightning Bolt the Druid]

Eye of the Dragon​

Proluge: The Dragon of Myth​

As the mysterious trainer stood upon the cliff high above the town of Blackthorn City, now a Dragon Master he will go in search of my destiny as a Master Trainer. My name is Blake Airheart and I am a trainer from Johto. Blake is the one who will fight with his Pokémon by his side and win against all those who challenge me.

As Blake jumped from the cliff that was high above Blackthorn City, he was emotionless with the jump off as he looked into the ground as he free fell from the cliff he threw his pokeball sending out his Charizard he had trained since it was a Charmander. This was his training; he had to have no fear as was almost how all dragon masters were. But on his way down he landed on his Charizard, as Blake looked up to feel the wind blowing through his hair that was the color of a light blond, and his cape fluttered in the wind with its picture of a legendary dragon Pokémon only thought of in myth on it.

He could see the people below watching him jump, as they screamed thinking he was going to land on the ground without anything to catch him but even as the Charizard caught him they still yelled and pointed at him, scared as they could be. But as soon as Blake looked into the sun to enjoy the moment he saw a shadow come over it, this is what most people would think was a omen of sorts but this was a great thing that could happen to all. They were in the view of one of the Legendary Pokemon of Myth, a sight only very few could see in a life time. Blake knew this was a good thing to happen as he thought he could do everything now to be the best trainer.

(I am accepting cunstructive critisim.)

 

[Sandstone-Shadow]

Hello, Lightning Bolt the Druid!

I've looked at some of your stories, and I've noticed the same overall problem in all of your writing here. The problem is that the way your sentences are written is very convoluted and confusing.

The structure is by far the largest issue with your sentences so far. I might not be the best at explaining this, so you might want to look at some other webpages for structure advice (it is also called syntax). This is a good one; I think it's intended for people who are learning English as a second language, but it's very clear; I think it can be useful regardless of what number language English is for you.

I'm going to use a sentence of yours to illustrate this.

As Blake jumped from the cliff that was high above Blackthorn City, he was emotionless with the jump off as he looked into the ground as he free fell from the cliff he threw his pokeball sending out his Charizard he had trained since it was a Charmander.

This is an example of a run-on sentence. There are too many ideas here for one sentence, and it should be split up into multiple sentences. I'm going to split it up into two pieces for now, and then we'll look at each piece. Let's look at the first piece.

As Blake jumped from the cliff that was high above Blackthorn City, he was emotionless with the jump off as he looked into the ground.

First of all, you've already described that the cliff is high above Blackthorn City. This kind of duplicate description makes the sentence long and clunky. In an action scene, such as this one where he's jumping off the cliff, you want to have sentences that are very smooth and quick to illustrate the quickness of the action. Removing "that was high above Blackthorn City" will take a lot of weight from the sentence and the story will move along.

There are some other parts of the sentence that also restate the same idea. The phrase "he was emotionless with the jump off" can be changed into just "he was emotionless" because we know from the previous part of the sentence that he is jumping off of the cliff.

I would also change "into" to "at;" "into" is strange because, unless he has some kind of X-ray vision, he can only be looking at the top of the ground, not down into it.

So now, the first part of your sentence should look something like this:

As Blake jumped from the cliff, he was emotionless as he looked at the ground.

This is better, but it's still a little confusing. Now that the sentence is cleaner, you can look at it again and try and rephrase it. Perhaps try describing his emotion (or lack thereof) first! The sentence could be, "Blake was emotionless as he jumped from the cliff." See how this version of the sentence is very fast and flowing? The reader doesn't have to stop and think about what's going on; the reader just imagines Blake jumping off of a cliff.

I think this post is long enough, so I'll stop here. But I would be more than happy to continue explaining if you would like me to! If you would like me to point out more examples, please feel free to ask!

I would love to see you revise this. =) Try reading it out loud! Place commas or periods where you pause naturally, and rephrase the things that sound awkward when you read it aloud. Good luck! I hope this review helps!