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The LGBT Club
- Thread starter ZimD
- Start date
- Status
Bluberry Bat
Mostly Ghostly
God dammit, dad. God fucking dammit. I've never felt such a seething hatred, holy SHIT. I'm TRYING to leave, stop bullshitting me around. "I've done research" - SO HAVE I. "Well I know three people in England who say it's no good for you!" Well I know about -30-, and oh yeah yesterday it was ONE person you knew. And you think I have to take an ad out in the paper to get my name changed? Uuuh... NO? Idiot, god damned idiot. So after I call him on all this he as good as admits that he finds me disgusting. In his own words I'm "Unnatural", and that he hopes that I change my mind and stay a guy. Dad for FUCKS sake, it's not changing, get over yourself!
Oh and, "Oh, well you yourself say you don't want to go through this. So why not change?" .....MAYBE THIS SHOULD INDICATE HOW SINCERE I -AM-?! Haven't I SAID, there's no waiting list for this, if I could be happy as I was I WOULD BE, but I'm NOT. Why ELSE would I put up with your crap?! I've been on HRT for a month and all the happier with myself since, but you keep throwing wrenches at me. You fucking sound like a religious right wing bigot and I'm SICK of it. Dammit all, 3 months, 3 months and I'm OUT of this shithole of a country and away from YOU.
That wasn't enough though.
Dad: "You care for Camilla more than most people, right?"
Me: "Well, yeah"
Dad: "She's straight, right?"
Me: "..Yes, I suppose so"
Dad: "Well, why wouldn't you just stay a boy, then? Wouldn't that mean she's not interested in you?"
..............For, fucks, sake. As if it isn't hard enough that I'm living with the fact that a relationship with the ONLY person I've EVER cared for might be impossible because of this, but you feel the need to mock me for it and use it as an excuse. You know something, yes it could mean that, and I don't need YOU telling me..... I don't know what the hell to do. And I can't get this to stop ringing in my mind. I love her, so much, a straight girl as I myself am transitioning to female - and she says she doesn't feel the same way. Is it because of that? We get on like sisters, it feels off. Does it matter any more? I've told her I'll not transition far in the past if it means anything, but she said no - that wouldn't be right. And.. it's not. Am I screwed, do things change, CAN things change, WILL anything EVER work the RIGHT GOD DAMN WAY FOR ME. I can't even speak about it because she says she just can't think about it now and I don't want to bother her, and I'm trapped between every waking AND unconscious thought being about her, a bigoted father, and an entire ocean. And then I wonder, when I remove the latter two, what becomes of it?
Dammit... >_< [/mushyrant]
Oh and, "Oh, well you yourself say you don't want to go through this. So why not change?" .....MAYBE THIS SHOULD INDICATE HOW SINCERE I -AM-?! Haven't I SAID, there's no waiting list for this, if I could be happy as I was I WOULD BE, but I'm NOT. Why ELSE would I put up with your crap?! I've been on HRT for a month and all the happier with myself since, but you keep throwing wrenches at me. You fucking sound like a religious right wing bigot and I'm SICK of it. Dammit all, 3 months, 3 months and I'm OUT of this shithole of a country and away from YOU.
That wasn't enough though.
Dad: "You care for Camilla more than most people, right?"
Me: "Well, yeah"
Dad: "She's straight, right?"
Me: "..Yes, I suppose so"
Dad: "Well, why wouldn't you just stay a boy, then? Wouldn't that mean she's not interested in you?"
..............For, fucks, sake. As if it isn't hard enough that I'm living with the fact that a relationship with the ONLY person I've EVER cared for might be impossible because of this, but you feel the need to mock me for it and use it as an excuse. You know something, yes it could mean that, and I don't need YOU telling me..... I don't know what the hell to do. And I can't get this to stop ringing in my mind. I love her, so much, a straight girl as I myself am transitioning to female - and she says she doesn't feel the same way. Is it because of that? We get on like sisters, it feels off. Does it matter any more? I've told her I'll not transition far in the past if it means anything, but she said no - that wouldn't be right. And.. it's not. Am I screwed, do things change, CAN things change, WILL anything EVER work the RIGHT GOD DAMN WAY FOR ME. I can't even speak about it because she says she just can't think about it now and I don't want to bother her, and I'm trapped between every waking AND unconscious thought being about her, a bigoted father, and an entire ocean. And then I wonder, when I remove the latter two, what becomes of it?
Dammit... >_< [/mushyrant]
Damn, I'm sorry. :(
This is why I'm waiting 'till after I'm out of the house to tell my parents. Some parents are just way too unreasonable about this, and considering mine actually are hardcore right-wing religious freaks I'm guessing I'm going to have a similar deal to yours. :\
I hope everything gets better for you. Only three months until you're away from that place, yeah?
This is why I'm waiting 'till after I'm out of the house to tell my parents. Some parents are just way too unreasonable about this, and considering mine actually are hardcore right-wing religious freaks I'm guessing I'm going to have a similar deal to yours. :\
I hope everything gets better for you. Only three months until you're away from that place, yeah?
fresh fruit for Adol
even electronic brain pancake crystal elderly
octobr
silence is scarier
- Pronoun
- it
Allies are always welcome. Srsly.
dwagie -- let me say this for you and everyone else: do what is right and healthy -- physically and mentally -- for you. This may, probably will, involve losing the faith of certain people you felt close; those people would have hurt you later anywho.
here's something for luls! My uncle is really gay like wow. And he was wearing an HRC shirt. At one point he asked for muscle relaxants and my mom suggested midol and he was like 'oh ew no i might start bleeding, I don't want to end up like cher's daughter.'
'... his name is chaz.'
'yeah whatever'
'sorta ironic that you're wearing that shirt but making tranny jokes isn't it'
'it wasn't a tranny joke!'
fff he doesn't believe bisexuals exist either
dwagie -- let me say this for you and everyone else: do what is right and healthy -- physically and mentally -- for you. This may, probably will, involve losing the faith of certain people you felt close; those people would have hurt you later anywho.
here's something for luls! My uncle is really gay like wow. And he was wearing an HRC shirt. At one point he asked for muscle relaxants and my mom suggested midol and he was like 'oh ew no i might start bleeding, I don't want to end up like cher's daughter.'
'... his name is chaz.'
'yeah whatever'
'sorta ironic that you're wearing that shirt but making tranny jokes isn't it'
'it wasn't a tranny joke!'
fff he doesn't believe bisexuals exist either
Bluberry Bat
Mostly Ghostly
As far as my plans go, yeah.. I have a follow-up with my doctor some time in that time frame and then me and a friend are both shooting off to England. I'm applying for citisenship as soon as I'm there, I'm unsure about him, but I'm still better off on a park bench than around here I swear so even if I truly can't find a job. :/ But I have a lot of people with open couches so..
In the mean time I'm working on my name change, followed immediately by my passport. Some time in the September - October range I should be out of here.. Hopefully that's all very soon. :/ If it wasn't the bloody July 4th weekend I'd have gotten through today, adding to the delays my parents throw in.
Sigh >_< And erk.... I don't even know what happened, mine are liberal lefties but turned into just utter intolerant jackarses at this. And they always spout "Well even if you were GAY it wouldn't really matter" ...What does that even mean.. Ugh, I couldn't leave it alone though. My shrink pointed out, for better or for worse, that I'm feisty as hell. I just got adamant about it and never let off. But they're intolerable at this point... At least I was able to start the HRT, it's a godsend, but they DO try to dissuade me.
I never would have guessed either but he's worse and worse every day, he came off as intelligent, tolerant, just a cool guy BEFORE I told him. And.. I don't understand, really. I suppose I should be glad he didn't completely stop me from doing certain things, or... beat me up. I get the feeling he wants to. "Man his son up" and all that. According to him I'm "Denying him his son".
*Sigh* If not for having so much to look to in England I probably would have taken up bungee cordless bungee jumping by now.
*Sigh* I already have lost faith in everyone previously close to me. My nan didn't even visit for her birthday after being told by my aunt, and she's a lonely widow who takes any single chance she can get to come up, previously. Everyone pretty much sucks. :/ I'm just doing everything I can now to get ready so I can be -ME-, start over in a new place, new friggen country. But, even though we'll always be really close friends I can be sure, it just feels like a cruel joke, that I fell so deeply for someone no longer in my available realm. I have a lot of really understanding friends there, but it's like some kind of purgatory. I still don't know what's going to happen..
Sigh.. Thanks everyone. >_< I really just needed a... rant. Forgive the rambling... I doubt I'm coming across very clearly at the moment..
Dinru
Powered by lesbianism!
Oh Sable... *hugs*
I wish there was just some way to transport you to the UK magically. I wish there was some way to make your dad understand that a penis isn't what makes someone a man, and a vagina isn't what makes someone a woman...
Oh, wait a second... I have an idea. maybe, one day, if you haven't already thought of this, if he's still giving your grief... ask him, if one day, he woke up with boobs and a vagina, would he think of himself as female. Make him think about that for a while. Seriously. Because quite frankly, I think he needs to take a walk in your shoes. And I hope that they're those skinny high-heeled ones that leave so many stupid blisters >D
But just keep holding on hun, and know that it will get better. You'll see.
I wish there was just some way to transport you to the UK magically. I wish there was some way to make your dad understand that a penis isn't what makes someone a man, and a vagina isn't what makes someone a woman...
Oh, wait a second... I have an idea. maybe, one day, if you haven't already thought of this, if he's still giving your grief... ask him, if one day, he woke up with boobs and a vagina, would he think of himself as female. Make him think about that for a while. Seriously. Because quite frankly, I think he needs to take a walk in your shoes. And I hope that they're those skinny high-heeled ones that leave so many stupid blisters >D
But just keep holding on hun, and know that it will get better. You'll see.
Wyvern
Dragon Tamer
Harlequin
Active member
Everyone has problems of some sort. They might seem small compared to other people's, but they're still problems. You shouldn't compare your troubles to other people's because at the end of the day, you're still left with a problem even if it isn't as bad as theirs.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. :(
I don't know what I'm trying to say. :(
Dinru
Powered by lesbianism!
^Uh I think I have some sort of idea. Basically, if you waste your energy thinking your problems aren't so bad because other people's are worse, at the end of the day you'll have done nothing. A problem is a problem is a problem, and everyone has them. Rather than compare and contrast, just try to fix your own and/or help others with theirs.
foreign contaminant
"tray ben," what's that mean?
hi, everyone. i'm pretty sure i'm not gay, but i'll happily join the club as one of many supporters.
why "pretty sure"? well..
i can relate, if only because this issue has been eating me up for close to a year.
i'm "pretty sure" i'm not gay because when i look at pictures of men or something, i don't get aroused or erect or whatever you want to call it. i don't lust after men. i don't get undying urges to just.. be in love with another dude. and before.
thing is, i'm pretty sure i *did* at some point though. when i was maybe 13 or 14, i could speak of all of the above in an affirmative manner. i was uncomfortable at first, but then i thought, 'well, if it has to be this way, then i just have to accept it.'
but just when i was getting a little comfortable with that, those feelings went away. i didn't feel like that anymore. i tried to do the same things to get those feelings again, but they wouldn't come again. i half wanted them to come back, actually. i wondered what was up.. well, there was this thing that happened at a birthday party i went to, but i don't think that that had any effect on my sexuality. (long story short, this kid was overjoyed that i was the only one to go to his birthday party and his first wet dream involved me getting down with a black man.)
anyway, i lived comfortably considering myself "asexual," or whatever it is when you don't feel attracted to either men or women. (i haven't felt an attraction to women since i was, like, eleven, to be honest.) i never went out to anyone, because my parents are ultra-conservative. i wouldn't want anything detrimental happening. anyway, things were okay afterwards. i'd felt more comfortable not being attracted to anyone than being attracted to dudes like me.
everything was okay until gym class in 10th grade. i was fortunate enough to wind up with more burly dudes than me, who just knew i was gay and that there was no other option for me. no, i'm not very muscular and my voice is ambiguous, at least on the phone. that didn't make me gay in my mind. but these guys thought otherwise, so they'd do anything they could. unholy epithets, spanking, tripping, etc. they persisted throughout the year. truth be told, they would have the year before that, but i was friends with a linebacker on the football team who didn't take trash from anyone. sophomore year, we kind of drifted apart, so i was left to fend for myself unsuccessfully.
perhaps understandably, i was annoyed immensely by these boys. but i think what bothered me most was the fact that, at least at some point, what they felt were insults were true. but i just assumed that that "sexuality is fluid" thing was true, because my preferences did change, and i didn't think i willed that to happen. but still, what they were saying stuck in my head, enough to make me think it was still true.
because of that, i would go look at things that used to give me tingly feelings and, if it's even possible, encourage it to happen. i'd search for pictures of actors, bizarre videos, etc. nothing would happen; i wouldn't feel anything. so i'd go to bed at night thinking i'd either wasted my time, reaffirmed the notion that i wasn't gay, or both.
after awhile i just shook their words off and do whatever. sometimes, what they'd say would nag me enough to make me go in the hall and jump rope with the girls, which probably added more fuel to the fire. but whatever.. i don't take insults well, but it's even harder to stand up for myself. i didn't want to have to be around that.
18 months have passed since then, and pretty much nobody has messed with me in that way since then. even now, though, what they still say makes me think i am gay. but i do the same things i did before, and i get the same reaction: nothing.
but sometimes it doesn't work that way. sometimes it'll be me thinking those things and i'll try that. sometimes i'll do things that i think would give me those feelings, like hello wallpaper. but even in that instance, i feel no arousal and something more like, 'you know, i really like kerouac's writing and his personality seemed cool too.'
i was convinced until recently that i just had no sex drive, and it's still bothering me. i guess it bothers me because i don't understand how people will be so into finding love and i just can't do it even if i wanted to. i'd love to be anything; straight, because i'd love to know girls just because i don't remember how that feels. gay, because i was comfortable with it before and if that's the way it is, then fine. but i just.. have no urge to do that and sometimes i really wish it could be that way. when my mom says, "when i get grandbabies," she never seems to get it when i say "i don't.. do relationships." (she's asked me twice if i'm gay, actually. at both times, the answer was no, and i felt it was an honest answer each time.) it's not that i don't want them for you, i just.. don't think i'd be a good boyfriend to a guy or girl for reasons stated previously.
i guess i'm done. i'm sorry if it doesn't flow well.. i've been debating to post this or not; people who have been in the irc room in the last week probably have heard me talk about a handful of the things i've just talked about here. maybe some of you know where i'm coming from?
why "pretty sure"? well..
i can relate, if only because this issue has been eating me up for close to a year.
i'm "pretty sure" i'm not gay because when i look at pictures of men or something, i don't get aroused or erect or whatever you want to call it. i don't lust after men. i don't get undying urges to just.. be in love with another dude. and before.
thing is, i'm pretty sure i *did* at some point though. when i was maybe 13 or 14, i could speak of all of the above in an affirmative manner. i was uncomfortable at first, but then i thought, 'well, if it has to be this way, then i just have to accept it.'
but just when i was getting a little comfortable with that, those feelings went away. i didn't feel like that anymore. i tried to do the same things to get those feelings again, but they wouldn't come again. i half wanted them to come back, actually. i wondered what was up.. well, there was this thing that happened at a birthday party i went to, but i don't think that that had any effect on my sexuality. (long story short, this kid was overjoyed that i was the only one to go to his birthday party and his first wet dream involved me getting down with a black man.)
anyway, i lived comfortably considering myself "asexual," or whatever it is when you don't feel attracted to either men or women. (i haven't felt an attraction to women since i was, like, eleven, to be honest.) i never went out to anyone, because my parents are ultra-conservative. i wouldn't want anything detrimental happening. anyway, things were okay afterwards. i'd felt more comfortable not being attracted to anyone than being attracted to dudes like me.
everything was okay until gym class in 10th grade. i was fortunate enough to wind up with more burly dudes than me, who just knew i was gay and that there was no other option for me. no, i'm not very muscular and my voice is ambiguous, at least on the phone. that didn't make me gay in my mind. but these guys thought otherwise, so they'd do anything they could. unholy epithets, spanking, tripping, etc. they persisted throughout the year. truth be told, they would have the year before that, but i was friends with a linebacker on the football team who didn't take trash from anyone. sophomore year, we kind of drifted apart, so i was left to fend for myself unsuccessfully.
perhaps understandably, i was annoyed immensely by these boys. but i think what bothered me most was the fact that, at least at some point, what they felt were insults were true. but i just assumed that that "sexuality is fluid" thing was true, because my preferences did change, and i didn't think i willed that to happen. but still, what they were saying stuck in my head, enough to make me think it was still true.
because of that, i would go look at things that used to give me tingly feelings and, if it's even possible, encourage it to happen. i'd search for pictures of actors, bizarre videos, etc. nothing would happen; i wouldn't feel anything. so i'd go to bed at night thinking i'd either wasted my time, reaffirmed the notion that i wasn't gay, or both.
after awhile i just shook their words off and do whatever. sometimes, what they'd say would nag me enough to make me go in the hall and jump rope with the girls, which probably added more fuel to the fire. but whatever.. i don't take insults well, but it's even harder to stand up for myself. i didn't want to have to be around that.
18 months have passed since then, and pretty much nobody has messed with me in that way since then. even now, though, what they still say makes me think i am gay. but i do the same things i did before, and i get the same reaction: nothing.
but sometimes it doesn't work that way. sometimes it'll be me thinking those things and i'll try that. sometimes i'll do things that i think would give me those feelings, like hello wallpaper. but even in that instance, i feel no arousal and something more like, 'you know, i really like kerouac's writing and his personality seemed cool too.'
i was convinced until recently that i just had no sex drive, and it's still bothering me. i guess it bothers me because i don't understand how people will be so into finding love and i just can't do it even if i wanted to. i'd love to be anything; straight, because i'd love to know girls just because i don't remember how that feels. gay, because i was comfortable with it before and if that's the way it is, then fine. but i just.. have no urge to do that and sometimes i really wish it could be that way. when my mom says, "when i get grandbabies," she never seems to get it when i say "i don't.. do relationships." (she's asked me twice if i'm gay, actually. at both times, the answer was no, and i felt it was an honest answer each time.) it's not that i don't want them for you, i just.. don't think i'd be a good boyfriend to a guy or girl for reasons stated previously.
i guess i'm done. i'm sorry if it doesn't flow well.. i've been debating to post this or not; people who have been in the irc room in the last week probably have heard me talk about a handful of the things i've just talked about here. maybe some of you know where i'm coming from?
Keltena
I told you – I'm always with you.
- Pronoun
- they
*unlurks*
Uhhh... OH RIGHT. HAVE SOME PICTURES FROM THE ~*~GAY PRIDE PARADE~*~ I WENT TO.
My school and one other had a float, this is it
It basically looked like this if you looked straight ahead
Before the parade started
This little girl kept that hula hoop going the whole time. It was amazing.
Those signs are heavier than they look.
Soyeah!
Uhhh... OH RIGHT. HAVE SOME PICTURES FROM THE ~*~GAY PRIDE PARADE~*~ I WENT TO.
My school and one other had a float, this is it
It basically looked like this if you looked straight ahead
Before the parade started
This little girl kept that hula hoop going the whole time. It was amazing.
Those signs are heavier than they look.
Soyeah!
EvilCrazyMonkey
will be the prettiest little girl since Zac Efron.
Hey, does anyone have any advice for coming out in a non-confronting way? I'm ready for my parents to know but not to tell them. I actually /want/ them to know because I think that I'd feel better. I don't like them that much (and they're homophobic), so is it just better to wait until I can financially support myself?
- Status