Flora
local hellion
- Pronoun
- they/he/it/neos
Alright kids. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Rethinking what my worst fear was and entirely redeveloping my thoughts about myself and how people perceive me.
My freshman year of college was fairly normal for me, at least in terms of self-image and all that jazz; I had a couple friends and was friendly with a lot of people, but still didn't have self-confidence. I always thought I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't talented enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't a good person, etc.
(And I guess some of that came from my parents, who try to make my sisters and I feel confident but sometimes they just get angry and worried because I haven't gotten cast yet or I haven't adjusted yet to the difference between high school and college, so my grades aren't up to par yet, or I got rejected by a guy who is (was? he got a girlfriend a couple years afterwards but identified prior as) gay because I don't take enough care of my appearance (okay then mom....) but even away from all that I still had lasting feelings of inadequacy)
I mean, I guess it had been better than at home but I just couldn't shake it.
And on top of that I swore that I had this big fear of rejection - like, for anything. Relationships, friendships, jobs, whatever. In reality, getting turned down from parts or schools didn't bother me that much, I noticed recently, but whatever, I didn't have a real term for it.
Then sophomore year rolled around. Okay, more specifically, October happened. The end of October happened and I was hit with literally fucking everything ever, jeez.
Alright, let's recap: one day I wake up and suddenly BAM HUMUNGOUS FLUFFY CRUSH which was...really weird because it had been a few years since I last acquired a crush, especially on someone I'd only met a month or two ago. But it's a nice feeling! It gives me something happy to think about and something to look forward to, since I get to see the kid every day!
And then my voice teacher decided it was his duty to be all "you're pretty goddammit now SING LIKE IT!" Did you know that self-confidence leads to better singing? Because apparently it does. I sound so much better oh my gosh AND I'm more confident to boot!
And that fear thing? I finally figured out that it was more of a fear of being invisible. Like, getting rejected from plays and such, it was still an acknowledgment of my existence, even if just a "sorry but you're not what we were looking for." And it always acted up when friends would discuss things that they were doing without me when I was around. And I kinda felt invisible at school, because I had so few friends.
And then I went to a party and found out THAT FEAR WAS TOTALLY IRRATIONAL.
Okay, more like "I wanted to go to the last one but I'm not walking there at 11 pm no thanks" but this time my roomie was hellbent on getting me to come to the unofficial theater halloween party (and she was driving this time) and when I got there
pretty much everyone in my class, when they saw me, screamed "RACHEL OH MY GOD HI I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE" (and a couple slightly drunk classmates going off about how great I am)
it was really sweet and when i got home later i was talking to my friends at home about it and i almost cried because wow
like i said i felt kinda invisible; i mean, people were pretty friendly, but i didn't realize that they worried if i was too sick to go to dance class or if a meeting ran late and i wasn't in theater history and it's just
wowie people here care about me
(tl;dr i'm a sap but at least i'm a sap with better self-confidence!)
My freshman year of college was fairly normal for me, at least in terms of self-image and all that jazz; I had a couple friends and was friendly with a lot of people, but still didn't have self-confidence. I always thought I wasn't pretty enough, wasn't talented enough, wasn't smart enough, wasn't a good person, etc.
(And I guess some of that came from my parents, who try to make my sisters and I feel confident but sometimes they just get angry and worried because I haven't gotten cast yet or I haven't adjusted yet to the difference between high school and college, so my grades aren't up to par yet, or I got rejected by a guy who is (was? he got a girlfriend a couple years afterwards but identified prior as) gay because I don't take enough care of my appearance (okay then mom....) but even away from all that I still had lasting feelings of inadequacy)
I mean, I guess it had been better than at home but I just couldn't shake it.
And on top of that I swore that I had this big fear of rejection - like, for anything. Relationships, friendships, jobs, whatever. In reality, getting turned down from parts or schools didn't bother me that much, I noticed recently, but whatever, I didn't have a real term for it.
Then sophomore year rolled around. Okay, more specifically, October happened. The end of October happened and I was hit with literally fucking everything ever, jeez.
Alright, let's recap: one day I wake up and suddenly BAM HUMUNGOUS FLUFFY CRUSH which was...really weird because it had been a few years since I last acquired a crush, especially on someone I'd only met a month or two ago. But it's a nice feeling! It gives me something happy to think about and something to look forward to, since I get to see the kid every day!
And then my voice teacher decided it was his duty to be all "you're pretty goddammit now SING LIKE IT!" Did you know that self-confidence leads to better singing? Because apparently it does. I sound so much better oh my gosh AND I'm more confident to boot!
And that fear thing? I finally figured out that it was more of a fear of being invisible. Like, getting rejected from plays and such, it was still an acknowledgment of my existence, even if just a "sorry but you're not what we were looking for." And it always acted up when friends would discuss things that they were doing without me when I was around. And I kinda felt invisible at school, because I had so few friends.
And then I went to a party and found out THAT FEAR WAS TOTALLY IRRATIONAL.
Okay, more like "I wanted to go to the last one but I'm not walking there at 11 pm no thanks" but this time my roomie was hellbent on getting me to come to the unofficial theater halloween party (and she was driving this time) and when I got there
pretty much everyone in my class, when they saw me, screamed "RACHEL OH MY GOD HI I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE" (and a couple slightly drunk classmates going off about how great I am)
it was really sweet and when i got home later i was talking to my friends at home about it and i almost cried because wow
like i said i felt kinda invisible; i mean, people were pretty friendly, but i didn't realize that they worried if i was too sick to go to dance class or if a meeting ran late and i wasn't in theater history and it's just
wowie people here care about me
(tl;dr i'm a sap but at least i'm a sap with better self-confidence!)