Medical Meccanica
Banned
I started writing again and realized why I stopped. My style is terrible.
So, here's a short Yume Nikki fanfic coming from a prompt in a book (use a line from anything as a starting point and see where it takes you - I used "The words aren't always perfect", a line which I saw in a banner on twilightsucks... probably one of Smeyer's quotes)
I'd like criticism on my style. I know that's not something that's easy to change, but I absolutely HATE how I write.
The words aren't always perfect. Madotsuki knew this firsthand.
She sat outside the door that led to the candlelit ritual room. Masada was in there... somewhere. She had finally convinced him to come out of his spaceship once it had crashed. Something about the strange man intrigued her. Perhaps it was the fact that he was one of the only men who appeared behind her bedroom door. Maybe it was because he never seemed to want to leave his ship and piano for some reason, like she never left her room.
Masada came back out of the room carrying something in his hand. Madotsuki got closer to look at it... it was the midget that ran around behind that door. She let out a small giggle - that midget always cracked her up. Masada dropped the little man in surprise, who then ran erratically around the main door room.
"You've never heard someone laugh before?", Madotsuki asked. Masada nodded, opening his mouth to speak, only to have a small chiming sound come out.
"You can't talk?"
Masada nodded again, this time keeping his mouth closed.
Madotsuki was surprised by this. She thought maybe when he left the ship, he would be able to talk. She only called him "Masada" because that was the name on his piano.
"So, you've never been outside that ship?", Madotsuki said, waiting for Masada's answer
There was none. He made another bell noise, and they just sat there for a while staring at each other.
"Why don't you want to go out?"
Masada was quiet this time. He looked away from the girl, staring at the patterns floating below them.
"One second", Madotsuki said, tilting her head. Pulling her knife from her pocket, she scanned the room. She turned around and saw a Toriningen rushing towards her.
"Not so fast", she said, jumping over the bird-beaked woman and planting her knife in the back of the creature. The bird-woman screamed, falling to the ground in a pool of blood. Madotsuki sighed and turned around.
Masada was pressed against the ritual room door, shaking violentely. As Madotsuki neared him, he began shaking even more.
"What's wrong?"
Masada pointed at the knife, but Madotsuki came even closer.
"It's just a knife... I won't hurt you with it"
Masada shrunk back even more. Madotsuki inched closer still.
Masada made a several bell noises, but this time, something seemed to get through. Madotsuki heard a quiet voice in her head.
death... death... death...
"Masada... look, I'll put the knife away. Just promise to calm down, all right?", Madotsuki said.
Madotsuki put the knife back into her pocket, and Masada's shaking seemed to calm a bit. She walked toward him, but stopped halfway.
"What's going on here?", she said.
The words in Madotsuki's head began to get louder, clearer and more distinct.
I need to go back... I can't take this anymore...I need to leave...
The voice in her head continued to increase in volume to the point that it drowned out even the constant droning of the door room. Madotsuki looked for Masada, but he was nowhere to be found. The world started to warp around her, the Toriningen coming out of all the corners, eyes glowing purple. Madotsuki closed her eyes and pinched herself.
Upon waking up, the voice had disappeared. Madotsuki opened the sliding door to her apartment and walked outside.
"This wasn't here before", she said, looking at a grey step platform leading off of her patio. She stepped on it and looked down.
Jump.
Madotsuki gripped her head in her hands, as the word kept repeating in her mind. She tried to walk backwards, but ended up stepping off the apartment's patio and into the sky.
She opened her eyes as she was falling, the noise of the surrounding air filling her ears with whooshing sounds.
And as she hit the ground, the last thing she heard was the noise of a chime.
So, here's a short Yume Nikki fanfic coming from a prompt in a book (use a line from anything as a starting point and see where it takes you - I used "The words aren't always perfect", a line which I saw in a banner on twilightsucks... probably one of Smeyer's quotes)
I'd like criticism on my style. I know that's not something that's easy to change, but I absolutely HATE how I write.
The words aren't always perfect. Madotsuki knew this firsthand.
She sat outside the door that led to the candlelit ritual room. Masada was in there... somewhere. She had finally convinced him to come out of his spaceship once it had crashed. Something about the strange man intrigued her. Perhaps it was the fact that he was one of the only men who appeared behind her bedroom door. Maybe it was because he never seemed to want to leave his ship and piano for some reason, like she never left her room.
Masada came back out of the room carrying something in his hand. Madotsuki got closer to look at it... it was the midget that ran around behind that door. She let out a small giggle - that midget always cracked her up. Masada dropped the little man in surprise, who then ran erratically around the main door room.
"You've never heard someone laugh before?", Madotsuki asked. Masada nodded, opening his mouth to speak, only to have a small chiming sound come out.
"You can't talk?"
Masada nodded again, this time keeping his mouth closed.
Madotsuki was surprised by this. She thought maybe when he left the ship, he would be able to talk. She only called him "Masada" because that was the name on his piano.
"So, you've never been outside that ship?", Madotsuki said, waiting for Masada's answer
There was none. He made another bell noise, and they just sat there for a while staring at each other.
"Why don't you want to go out?"
Masada was quiet this time. He looked away from the girl, staring at the patterns floating below them.
"One second", Madotsuki said, tilting her head. Pulling her knife from her pocket, she scanned the room. She turned around and saw a Toriningen rushing towards her.
"Not so fast", she said, jumping over the bird-beaked woman and planting her knife in the back of the creature. The bird-woman screamed, falling to the ground in a pool of blood. Madotsuki sighed and turned around.
Masada was pressed against the ritual room door, shaking violentely. As Madotsuki neared him, he began shaking even more.
"What's wrong?"
Masada pointed at the knife, but Madotsuki came even closer.
"It's just a knife... I won't hurt you with it"
Masada shrunk back even more. Madotsuki inched closer still.
Masada made a several bell noises, but this time, something seemed to get through. Madotsuki heard a quiet voice in her head.
death... death... death...
"Masada... look, I'll put the knife away. Just promise to calm down, all right?", Madotsuki said.
Madotsuki put the knife back into her pocket, and Masada's shaking seemed to calm a bit. She walked toward him, but stopped halfway.
"What's going on here?", she said.
The words in Madotsuki's head began to get louder, clearer and more distinct.
I need to go back... I can't take this anymore...I need to leave...
The voice in her head continued to increase in volume to the point that it drowned out even the constant droning of the door room. Madotsuki looked for Masada, but he was nowhere to be found. The world started to warp around her, the Toriningen coming out of all the corners, eyes glowing purple. Madotsuki closed her eyes and pinched herself.
Upon waking up, the voice had disappeared. Madotsuki opened the sliding door to her apartment and walked outside.
"This wasn't here before", she said, looking at a grey step platform leading off of her patio. She stepped on it and looked down.
Jump.
Madotsuki gripped her head in her hands, as the word kept repeating in her mind. She tried to walk backwards, but ended up stepping off the apartment's patio and into the sky.
She opened her eyes as she was falling, the noise of the surrounding air filling her ears with whooshing sounds.
And as she hit the ground, the last thing she heard was the noise of a chime.