foreign contaminant
"tray ben," what's that mean?
well, for me it was a good day anyway. (forgive the long anecdote. since i started keeping a journal, i've written pages-long entries about mundane things.)
i think i mentioned this before in an old thread someone else wrote about a similar topic. anyway, for the longest time, i had a really bad issue with my history teacher. the problem was that i was afraid of him judging me; i had been afraid of him saying or thinking bad things about me.
it all started in october or so. i did poorly on this first test in his class. i felt so awful about it, mainly because i knew i could have done better on it. i figured i needed to work harder in his class to get the grade i wanted; i've been doing that ever since that day. in the time since then, my test average has improved a bit (~89% avg, all of my tests since then have been >90%), my study habits have never been better, and i feel more comfortable doing work in the class.
but for some reason, i could never shake the feeling that he disliked me. i had no real reason to believe that it was true; he seemed pretty interested in the cd i bought him for christmas and he was more than willing to let me hang out with his class while my real class - which i have since switched out of, for reasons i might explain if you ask me - went on a field trip. i just.. beat it into my head that he didn't like me and nothing could change that.
recently something happened that changed my outlook on the whole ordeal. one day last week, he walked into my english teacher's room in the morning to talk about some double class thing they wanted to do because he'd be out one day. i tried to hide behind a book; i guess he managed to see i was in there anyway. on the way out, he said something to me and we sort of had a short conversation (the bell rang for school to start and i had to go to class, and my class was on the way to his). he asked me what i was reading, said "uh huh" a few times when i was talking about how i had a conversation with a friend about one flew over the cuckoo's nest, told him about the stack of books i said i wanted to read, told him that i was going to read a scanner darkly next, and then went off to class. he seemed more interested in that chat than he had been in others. i walked away feeling a little more confident than normal.
since then i wrote a few mini essays for myself trying to figure out what i wanted and what i had to do for it. i decided that i wanted to at least be able to talk to him casually, but that i had to initiate the conversation if i wanted it. i knew before that he wouldn't really talk to me by starting a conversation himself; when he'd comment on what books i was reading, i didn't get the feeling that he was paying attention to me after i gave a reply. but after what happened before the weekend, i felt i could do it. now or never.
so today, i did do that. and much to my surprise, he was actually willing to have a good twenty minute conversation about books and a movie called gods and generals. he reminded me that remediation after school started yesterday, though he also said he didn't think i needed it. (i might start going to that; i watched gods and generals thinking a particular battle would be in it, but looking back now, i probably should have been able to guess that it wasn't. that unit was three months ago, but still.) we seem to agree on some things: that the fountainhead wasn't very good, that gods and generals wasn't any good either, that having to import stuff isn't much fun, and probably something else. i was surprised that he had heard of the atrocity exhibition and also that he knew what joy division was.
so yeah, i'm really glad that it was all in my head and i had nothing to worry about all along. i would like it if he could start casual conversations often, but i guess that i have to show that i am willing to before that happens. and now i feel more comfortable doing that.
tl;dr my history teacher made me nervous because i thought he hated me after i flunked one of his tests. i improved, but i still thought he disliked me. after one event changed my opinion of the whole thing, i felt i had nothing to lose by starting a conversation and, to my surprise, i kept it going! i do not think he dislikes me anymore!
so i feel more comfortable going to school these days. at least the thing i've worried about most was all in my head.
forgive me if the post is all lopsided and hard to comprehend. i will have no problem trying to help it make sense to you if it doesn't.
i think i mentioned this before in an old thread someone else wrote about a similar topic. anyway, for the longest time, i had a really bad issue with my history teacher. the problem was that i was afraid of him judging me; i had been afraid of him saying or thinking bad things about me.
it all started in october or so. i did poorly on this first test in his class. i felt so awful about it, mainly because i knew i could have done better on it. i figured i needed to work harder in his class to get the grade i wanted; i've been doing that ever since that day. in the time since then, my test average has improved a bit (~89% avg, all of my tests since then have been >90%), my study habits have never been better, and i feel more comfortable doing work in the class.
but for some reason, i could never shake the feeling that he disliked me. i had no real reason to believe that it was true; he seemed pretty interested in the cd i bought him for christmas and he was more than willing to let me hang out with his class while my real class - which i have since switched out of, for reasons i might explain if you ask me - went on a field trip. i just.. beat it into my head that he didn't like me and nothing could change that.
recently something happened that changed my outlook on the whole ordeal. one day last week, he walked into my english teacher's room in the morning to talk about some double class thing they wanted to do because he'd be out one day. i tried to hide behind a book; i guess he managed to see i was in there anyway. on the way out, he said something to me and we sort of had a short conversation (the bell rang for school to start and i had to go to class, and my class was on the way to his). he asked me what i was reading, said "uh huh" a few times when i was talking about how i had a conversation with a friend about one flew over the cuckoo's nest, told him about the stack of books i said i wanted to read, told him that i was going to read a scanner darkly next, and then went off to class. he seemed more interested in that chat than he had been in others. i walked away feeling a little more confident than normal.
since then i wrote a few mini essays for myself trying to figure out what i wanted and what i had to do for it. i decided that i wanted to at least be able to talk to him casually, but that i had to initiate the conversation if i wanted it. i knew before that he wouldn't really talk to me by starting a conversation himself; when he'd comment on what books i was reading, i didn't get the feeling that he was paying attention to me after i gave a reply. but after what happened before the weekend, i felt i could do it. now or never.
so today, i did do that. and much to my surprise, he was actually willing to have a good twenty minute conversation about books and a movie called gods and generals. he reminded me that remediation after school started yesterday, though he also said he didn't think i needed it. (i might start going to that; i watched gods and generals thinking a particular battle would be in it, but looking back now, i probably should have been able to guess that it wasn't. that unit was three months ago, but still.) we seem to agree on some things: that the fountainhead wasn't very good, that gods and generals wasn't any good either, that having to import stuff isn't much fun, and probably something else. i was surprised that he had heard of the atrocity exhibition and also that he knew what joy division was.
so yeah, i'm really glad that it was all in my head and i had nothing to worry about all along. i would like it if he could start casual conversations often, but i guess that i have to show that i am willing to before that happens. and now i feel more comfortable doing that.
tl;dr my history teacher made me nervous because i thought he hated me after i flunked one of his tests. i improved, but i still thought he disliked me. after one event changed my opinion of the whole thing, i felt i had nothing to lose by starting a conversation and, to my surprise, i kept it going! i do not think he dislikes me anymore!
so i feel more comfortable going to school these days. at least the thing i've worried about most was all in my head.
forgive me if the post is all lopsided and hard to comprehend. i will have no problem trying to help it make sense to you if it doesn't.