Flora
local hellion
- Pronoun
- they/he/it/neos
So, uh, hey. NaNo's in less than a month and I need to practice, and I might as well practice how to write in first person (as my other warm-up barely has any first-person in it). So I figured I'd kill three birds with one stone; I'd practice for NaNo, I'd practice my first-person writing, and I'd get some stuff off my chest.
It's sorta a reflection, I guess, but my main intent was writing practice. Critique would be much appreciated, because I'm a little worried about some grammar issues (neither...nor particularly, and plus MS Word is a fail, since it once told me to use I is) and possibly some wording problems and really long sentences (and maybe some semicolon abuse).
It's kinda short, but whatever.
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I’m the “problem child” of my family. My parents hate it when I say that, but it’s true. It’s my fault we’re all going to counseling, because my emotions cause such a problem that my family needs to know how to “deal” with them. It's obviously not my sisters' faults; my older sister is basically a saint and no one would ever think my little sister did anything wrong, because she's pretty much this absolute angel who does everything perfectly, and to dare accuse her of causing anything that could even remotely lead to counseling. My parents deny it, of course, but we originally went for my problems, and then the counselor decided we all need to learn to deal with it.
In fact, most of the problems in my family are my fault: I dare to get into fights with my little sister, I dare to get an 80 on a test, I dare to be PMSing and having such a bad day that I end up spending most of my music class in the Guidance Office calming down so that I don’t end up freaking out and embarrassing myself in front of my peers. And, even though that’s the entire purpose of Guidance, going there to calm down because I know I can’t handle going to class upset is a problem, apparently. Enough of a problem that if it ever happens again, I’m apparently gonna get sent to public school.
I don’t know anyone in public school. I’d end up with no friends because I’m the weird kid who gets upset over everything and barely talks to anyone except her friends, who all go to private school and are getting a much better education.
If I even have those. I’m almost positive that, at some point, they’re gonna notice that I’m the “problem child” of the group, the one who gets upset over everything and is way too clingy. One even has reason to hate me, and I have this nagging feeling that she does. It’s stupid of me to think that, but I know that she’s seen me explode before – I mean, like scream at the top of my lungs in a crowded area because of all the crap that was going on – and probably doesn’t want to go through that again, and I know that I’d explode again if she actually told me that she hated me. And I know my best friends don’t hate me – one pretty much can’t hate anyone, and the other two have assured me that neither they nor anyone else hate me – but I’m scared that that’s gonna change.
I say that my greatest fear is being alone, but it’s a lot more specific than that; my true greatest fear is that everyone close to me will start hating me, and I’ll be left alone due to my own faults.
I keep trying to think of a solution, a way to keep all this from happening; I can only come up with an idea that involves shutting part of myself down, probably permanently. But as far as I know, that’ll probably just make it worse – I’d be an emotionless freak instead of an overly-emotional freak.
The only solution I can find is just to wait, and to pretend it doesn’t bother me when they realize just how horrible I am, and I’m finally left alone.
It's sorta a reflection, I guess, but my main intent was writing practice. Critique would be much appreciated, because I'm a little worried about some grammar issues (neither...nor particularly, and plus MS Word is a fail, since it once told me to use I is) and possibly some wording problems and really long sentences (and maybe some semicolon abuse).
It's kinda short, but whatever.
------------------------------
I’m the “problem child” of my family. My parents hate it when I say that, but it’s true. It’s my fault we’re all going to counseling, because my emotions cause such a problem that my family needs to know how to “deal” with them. It's obviously not my sisters' faults; my older sister is basically a saint and no one would ever think my little sister did anything wrong, because she's pretty much this absolute angel who does everything perfectly, and to dare accuse her of causing anything that could even remotely lead to counseling. My parents deny it, of course, but we originally went for my problems, and then the counselor decided we all need to learn to deal with it.
In fact, most of the problems in my family are my fault: I dare to get into fights with my little sister, I dare to get an 80 on a test, I dare to be PMSing and having such a bad day that I end up spending most of my music class in the Guidance Office calming down so that I don’t end up freaking out and embarrassing myself in front of my peers. And, even though that’s the entire purpose of Guidance, going there to calm down because I know I can’t handle going to class upset is a problem, apparently. Enough of a problem that if it ever happens again, I’m apparently gonna get sent to public school.
I don’t know anyone in public school. I’d end up with no friends because I’m the weird kid who gets upset over everything and barely talks to anyone except her friends, who all go to private school and are getting a much better education.
If I even have those. I’m almost positive that, at some point, they’re gonna notice that I’m the “problem child” of the group, the one who gets upset over everything and is way too clingy. One even has reason to hate me, and I have this nagging feeling that she does. It’s stupid of me to think that, but I know that she’s seen me explode before – I mean, like scream at the top of my lungs in a crowded area because of all the crap that was going on – and probably doesn’t want to go through that again, and I know that I’d explode again if she actually told me that she hated me. And I know my best friends don’t hate me – one pretty much can’t hate anyone, and the other two have assured me that neither they nor anyone else hate me – but I’m scared that that’s gonna change.
I say that my greatest fear is being alone, but it’s a lot more specific than that; my true greatest fear is that everyone close to me will start hating me, and I’ll be left alone due to my own faults.
I keep trying to think of a solution, a way to keep all this from happening; I can only come up with an idea that involves shutting part of myself down, probably permanently. But as far as I know, that’ll probably just make it worse – I’d be an emotionless freak instead of an overly-emotional freak.
The only solution I can find is just to wait, and to pretend it doesn’t bother me when they realize just how horrible I am, and I’m finally left alone.
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