Sojaveña Wilds Dusty Highway

[canisaries]

Hunger came first. Then thirst. Then fatigue. Then, with the setting of the sun, the chill. As each arrived and strengthened its hold, pitiful thoughts bubbled up in Andre's mind.

This is stupid, he thought. This is an overreaction. I don't need to die. Not slowly nor quickly, not that the Wayfarers would really kill me anyway.

Every time, however, he reminded himself of what he'd done, what he was, and how it was an abomination against true and just morality. He needed to keep walking. He needed to keep shambling on in the dark until he couldn't stand and then he'd need to keep trying anyway.

This is sensible, he thought. This is proportionate - if anything, still too good for me. I need not just to die, but to suffer. The Wayfarers can find my corpse.

That last thought was new. He thought of his little deerling body limp on the ground. He thought of wild birds coming in and pecking out his eyeballs. He thought of a highwaymon stealing his hat and vest. Or maybe it would be too gross for even them. Either way, Andre would deserve an end like that.

He then paused to think about whether he actually would leave behind a corpse. The others that had left hadn't. But the others also hadn't died. The others...

The others that, for one reason or another, had given up on fighting for Forlas, and that was why they were gone.

...Why hadn't Andre disappeared, then?

Was it really so that he, after everything in the past few hours, still wanted to help Forlas?

Well, yeah, maybe I want to help Forlas, but I can't. A psycho like me can't be trusted. Not that I was any use to them while I was pretending not to be one, anyway.

I don't think anyone will be too disturbed about me dying.

Especially Ben.

Ben will probably be overjoyed with the combination of Laura telling him the truth and him finding out about my death. It won't bring Mike back, but it might bring Ben some semblance of peace of mind. Even if it'll be gone once he returns to his homeworld.

Fuck. I'm gonna return there too, and I'm not gonna remember any of this. I'm just gonna keep killing until I get caught. I'm probably not gonna understand what I've been doing wrong even after they've told me.

Well... at least I'll be able to tell on Red, then. Unless the guy kills me first. I hope he does. Or, no, it's better to get caught. That way my victims' families will get to know the truth about their loved ones' disappearances.

Victims. The word, even now, seemed unfitting. Andre still didn't feel like they deserved better than what he'd done to them. But that had to be just another sign of how he was a sick fuck who needed to be put down. He'd take everyone else's word for it. That was the least he could do.

So, on he walked.

No, seriously, stop fucking around, another thought came. You'll accomplish nothing with this. You just said that you'd go back and not remember anything, right? So what's the point in suffering if it won't teach you anything?

Stop doing that, Andre thought back. Stop acting like I deserve better. Stop acting like I haven't done anything wrong. Stop acting like... how I used to act all my life. I need to be different now. I need to make things right.

And dying is the way to do that?

Yes. That's what I deserve. I've done awful things, and I need to be punished.

Isn't that exact type of thinking why you became a serial killer in the first case?

Andre faltered, but this only made him lose a step and tumble down onto the ground.

Good. You could use a rest.

I can't rest, thought Andre and mustered up what strength he had left to pry himself back onto his hooves, then hobbled on. I haven't made things right yet.

You aren't making things right. You're not owning up to your mistakes. You're running away.

I'm not. I'm punishing myself. I'm taking care of things.

No. You're throwing yourself a lethal pity party. You're being a fucking drama queen. Go back.

I'm not gonna go back. There's nothing there for me to do, anyway.

Yes there is, Duval. You need to go up to Ben and tell him you lied and that you're sorry. But you're too fucking proud to do that.

I'm not being proud! I'm doing what I think is right!

You're doing what makes you feel better.

I'm literally dying!

First of all, no you're not, you've been walking for a couple of hours in nippy weather without food or water. You're not on death's door. Don't even act like it's too late to go back.

Andre kicked the dusty ground. I'm not going back! I'm doing this! I'm going to walk myself to death because that's what I want to do, damn it!

Well, there it is. It's just what you want to do. It's not what everyone else wants you to do. You know, the people you've wronged and should make things up to?

Andre stopped.

What? No, keep going, said another voice. You're shirking your duty.

Don't listen to that voice, said the original voice. Your duty is to the Wayfarers. To the people of Forlas. To everyone you've wronged. Not to this guy.

The other voice wanted to argue, but Andre discarded its thoughts.

Can I really make things right if I go back? Andre asked.

Realistically? No. You can't. You can't bring back the people you killed and you can't heal the emotional wounds you've left on their loved ones. But you can sure as hell get closer to it than whatever the fuck you were trying to do here.

Andre stayed silent.

Look, you don't have to make the full commitment right now. Just turn 180 degrees and start going back. It's just more walking, and clearly, that's something you want to do anyway. If you really can't march back to Frontier Town and go face Ben, you can stay on the outskirts. You can postpone the decision. Just don't make the really stupid one now.

Andre stood still. Then he turned around.

There might be a problem, he thought.

He wasn't actually sure if he'd walked straight enough for just a 180-degree turn to get him facing the right direction.

Fuck.

 

[Jackie Cat]

Patrolling the Soja' was something she'd been doing for more than a decade now. It was as familiar as wind; as regular as night. You saw a lot of the same kinda thing, on patrol. Folks in want of directions and a map. The odd alpha wildren or two, needing scared off. Plenty of weather, 'til your fur started knowing the seasons better than your head did. The thicker-than-usual clouds overhead, white as sugar, made her think of snow. Once the sun came down and the winds struck up nice and cold, anyhow.

So, of course, when she spotted a wandering doe – or buck? – looking like they hadn't slept a wink or packed any kind of provisions worth a damn, she loped right on over. Wouldn't take too much time – she might be heavier on her paws than she was used to, but that came with a longer stride and no mistake. And at least this particular oddity could safely be said not to be some lone spotter on a mission for the rifles. The poor fucker looked far too sorry for themself to be a threat, besides.

She wasn't even noticed until she was practically on top of him.

"Howdy," said Brisa, coming up alongside the Deerling. "You lost yer head, or just yer way?"

 

[canisaries]

A luxray arrived. Hopefully helpful. Not that I deserve -- no, that kind of thinking was pointless.

"Uh..." Andre began. "Both." He sighed. "I had kind of a freakout and wanted to get away from town. Maybe never come back. But I wanna go back now. I have to make things right." Or just see if I have the guts.

 

[Jackie Cat]

Well, wasn't that interesting. Brisa'd seen her share of runaways – angsty kids, drunken adults – but she couldn't be sure which flavour best-fit this fella. Hell, she'd had her own flirtation with the notion of getting indefinitely lost, never to return. Only, given how limp and sorry for himself this fella seemed, she couldn't help but clock him as a mite morbid...

"What'd you do that's so terrible?" she asked, padding alongside him.

Could be thievery, dishonesty in his dealings, maybe something worse. Couldn't be that bad, though, could it. Kid looked like he couldn't kick someone's shin if you paid him to.

 

[canisaries]

Andre took a moment to think. If he was going to 'make things right', it'd surely be best if he was simply honest from now on. But were he to tell the horrid truth, this stranger might take it upon herself to enforce some vigilante justice of her own. And while Andre couldn't fault her for something like that, he couldn't die before he'd properly come clean to the others, face to face.

Maybe a half-answer. Those had worked out so well for him today, after all... "Well, nothing on Forlas. I'm a Wayfarer. But back home... it's pretty bad."

 

[Jackie Cat]

"A Wayfarer, huh. Is that so?"

She hadn't recognised him – there were dozens of these Offworlder folks around now, and this fella must've been less prominent. All the same, it made him a curiosity.

"Pretty bad as in town pariah, or wanted 'mon, or what? This is the Soja', pretty bad could be you killed some folks."

Mentally, she made a bet with herself. Five dollars said this boy hadn't even shed blood.

A whisper in her skull asked her, are you sure about that?

 

[canisaries]

"Well... yeah. I killed some folks."

He cleared his throat. He couldnt give his spiel of 'they deserved it' anymore. How would he explain it now?

"I thought it was the right thing to do at the time," he said. "I thought I was... just. But now I think I was just sick in the head." Still am. I don't know if it'll ever change.

 

[Jackie Cat]

Well, that was five dollars for the Whiterush Charitable Fund. Good for them.

She nodded at the kid, and chewed over this unexpected news. He didn't seem capable, but... Well, maybe he was different back home. Maybe he was human, the type to use tools to take a life.

"Ain't the first time I heard words to that effect, in my time," she mused. "Most folks have some kinda concept of rightful killin', least if you ask 'em right. Not so much if you put a bare neck in front of 'em and ask 'em to take life. Less theoretical when there's a breathin' body in front a' you. But you did it – and now you've got regrets, is that it? Can't understand the 'you' as did it, or his reasons?"

 

[canisaries]

"Well..."

Well, did he regret what he'd done? He still didn't feel bad for the people whose lives he'd taken. He couldn't muster up any pity for abusers. But all the other people he'd affected...

Before, he'd always considered their emotional pain collateral damage. Or really more accurately the unavoidable consequence of his targets' actions - those targets had hurt people, so it was only inevitable that they would be targeted by Andre and thus die and thus cause sorrow for their close ones. It was, then, his targets' fault and not Andre's.

That was something he was having trouble understanding after the fact. But the rest?

"I can understand him just fine," Andre said. "I just don't... agree anymore." He paused. "I don't want to agree."

 

[Jackie Cat]

Ah, so he was conflicted.

Brisa glanced around. Yeah, she knew where they were. Not too far out from town, really. This guy had almost certainly come from town, and if he'd the sense to get up high and look for landmarks – assuming he knew any – he oughta be fine. She suspected she still oughta offer him some guidance, but... he could use some life guidance more than a way back into town.

"Okay," she said, mildly. "What changed? You see the light?" Or more likely, some kinda darkness he'd previously been blind to.

 

[canisaries]

"I was talking to... another Wayfarer, Laura. I wanted to try and convince her to convince Ben - another Wayfarer, a newly arrived one - that I hadn't killed his trainer like he thought I had. I had, of course. He was... not a good person. In my eyes, at least."

Everyone should have seen him that way, Andre thought, but clearly he shouldn't be saying what other people should be thinking for some time.

"But then Laura pried the truth out of me and gave me a hell of a talking-to. It made me see that I was... not just. I was just arrogant, thinking I knew better than everyone else while I... wasn't even helping. I was doing harm if anything."

The words felt bitter on his tongue. Must have been his pride hating him for admitting any wrongdoing.

"Can't believe it took me hearing from, what, five people that I wasn't in the right for me to realize it."

 

[Jackie Cat]

There was probably a younger, more earnest version of Brisa that would've arrested this guy. Other world or not, he'd confessed to murder, hadn't he? This Brisa, though – with her head full of Covenant schemes and divine strife – didn't fancy trying to explain to the gaolers why she was so certain this fellow had committed one despite the lack of a corpse. Not to mention that he was a Wayfarer. The implications of that particular detail were no delight to consider.

Anyway. Laura had given him a dressing-down, huh? Good to hear that gal had something like that in her.

"Yeah, murder's usually a form a' doin' harm," drawled Brisa, her tone a mite sardonic. "I don't recommend it too highly as a means of resolvin' yer disputes."

She turned her eyes on the kid, and weighed up whether there was any benefit to be had in scaring him onto the straight and narrow, as it were. Probably unnecessary if he was already at this point. Fella had surplus shame to be getting on with.

"So what's yer next step?" she asked, expectant. "You gonna check in with a shrink? Or would y'prefer a preacher?"

 

[canisaries]

"I'm gonna let everyone know what I've done," Andre said. "What I am. And I'm going to tell Ben I'm sorry, not that it'll help him much. After that..." He shrugged. "Come back here, I don't know."

 

[Jackie Cat]

"Huh."

Brisa kept walking. It was a pleasant enough day. She could go for hours like this – before eventually, finally, coming home. The Wayfarers were back – that meant making plans, heading east again, confronting it all. Until the end of this conversation, though, she could keep her concerns limited to this strange guy and his peculiar remorse.

"Y'got a death wish?" she asked, mildly. Like she was asking if he'd got a drink handy, or if he'd got family. "You lookin' to end it out here? 'Cause there's better ways to spend yer penance."

 

[canisaries]

Andre sighed. "Is there? Because I'm no fighter, and I can't trust myself to do any speaking when I know now that I'm... some kind of psychopath. What if I lapse again? At a critical moment?" He shook his head. "It's better to just remove myself from the equation."

 

[Jackie Cat]

Brisa could've rolled her eyes. Instead, she pulled ahead of the deer and stepped into his path. She was larger than him by enough to cast a hell of a shadow.

"If you're just gonna go out like that, why wait?" she growled. "I can take you where you're goin' – quicker'n cleaner than you'll manage yerself, I guarantee it. Cleaner'n you probably did in your sorry fella, too."

Now she was scaring him straight. The average moping creature soon snapped outta their miserable reverie when faced with the reality of how much they didn't wanna die.

 

[canisaries]

Andre froze, his pulse accelerating. Had what he feared would happen just happened? Had this stranger decided his crimes were too severe for him to keep living a minute longer, and only now revealed it?

He didn't want to die, though, for two reasons - he hadn't fulfilled his mission yet and, unfortunately, he still had some self-preservation in himself.

"Well, I told you, I've got to come clean. Can't do that if I'm dead," he said, though his voice wavered. 'I can come back after that and you can do me in then,' he also thought of saying, but couldn't get that out, the coward that he was.

 

[Jackie Cat]

Brisa huffed, in a nasal chuckle.

"Tell you what. Find out what whoever you're comin' clean to thinks oughta happen t'you. I'm guessin' he won't make demands on yer life, but who knows? There's folks out there as feel that way, but they usually don't have to look the poor bastard in question in the eye when they say that shit. I expect you'll have time to live yet."

She shoved the deer in his chest. Lightly by her standards, but he was a flimsy little fucker, he'd feel it.

"Town's the other way, by the way. You need a guide, I can get you there. I'm goin' that way myself, besides – I've got business with the Wayfarers, as it happens."

 

[canisaries]

"Tell you what. Find out what whoever you're comin' clean to thinks oughta happen t'you. I'm guessin' he won't make demands on yer life, but who knows? There's folks out there as feel that way, but they usually don't have to look the poor bastard in question in the eye when they say that shit. I expect you'll have time to live yet."

Actually... yeah. Asking Ben what he should do with himself seemed like the moral thing to do. He was the one he had hurt most on Forlas.

She shoved the deer in his chest. Lightly by her standards, but he was a flimsy little fucker, he'd feel it.

Andre almost lost his footing, but managed to stabilize himself. He smiled awkwardly.

"Town's the other way, by the way. You need a guide, I can get you there. I'm goin' that way myself, besides – I've got business with the Wayfarers, as it happens."

"Yes, a guide would be appreciated. I'm no good at finding my way." He paused. "What business have you got?"