English Coursework.

[Kai Lucifer]

For my english coursework, I have to write a story, and I decided to write a murder mystery. It takes place before the events of Hotel Dusk, when Kyle Hyde is still a detective. I'm not much of an author, as most people know, but I have a year to do so, so I may visit here regularly. Anyway, I've so far written up a plot summary of the first chapter.

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5 Years back, Simon Biggs, head of Vbig banks, is involved in a car crash with Anna Countence, his second-in-command. As a result, Biggs’ right arm is put in a sling for a month, and Countence loses her left eye. She is hospitalized for half a year, and returns back to her job.

Today, Biggs is preparing to leave the office for the night. Damon Black, administer of payroll goes to Countance, and asks her to hold a document for him while he packs up. She does so, and when he returns, he’s wearing a pair of white gloves. He takes the documents, and then goes to Biggs. He offers him a drink, and then goes elsewhere. Countence puts on her jacket, and is about to leave, when Biggs asks her to meet her in the meeting room. There, he collapses on the floor, dead from cyanide. Black breaks in, and seeing Biggs dead, rushes to get the police. She is arrested on the spot under the charge of murder, as she is found to possess a bottle of cyanide pills in her jacket pocket with her fingerprints on it.

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The murderer is obvious. If you didn't spot him, pick up a letter opener and jam it in your eye.

I'm mainly concerned about the incedents of the accident. Even if Anna did lose an eye, I'n not exactly sure how long she should be there for. Same applies to Simon. If anyone can help me on those parts, as well as anything else, I'd make me very happy.

Also, If this should go in the writing forum, then please can this be moved there?

 

[Eeveelution]

Hmm... Try adding some more characters, and make it less obvious. People get hooked on a mystery trying to figure out who did it, and why. If you release this on the forum, then change the murderer to a new character. Otherwise, it's a good plot.

As for the arm, how badly damaged was it? When I broke my wrist, it was about a month, more or less.

 

[Kai Lucifer]

I've changed the first chapter slightly. Here it is.

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‘You want to hear my story, Kyle? I’ll tell you what I remember.’
Officer Kyle Hyde looked at her with mistrusting eyes. Anne Countence, Assistant managing director for V-Bigg banks, and an old friend of his, now stuck inside the detention centre, having been accused of murder. The evidence gathered so far pointed to her, and there was even a witness to the crime. Kyle didn’t know whether to trust her or not, but he had to hear her side of the story before he could fully trust her, so he sat back on the chair and listened.

‘Yesterday, I was preparing to leave work for the night. Simon… I mean, Mr. Biggs, had asked to meet me in meeting room 212 at nine o’clock.’
‘Mr. Biggs was the one murdered, correct?’ he asked.
‘Yes, that’s right,’ she replied. ‘Like I said, he had arranged to meet me. When I got there, he talked to me about some stuff.’
‘Hang on a minute, what kind of stuff?’ He asked.
‘Just… stuff,’ she replied, biting her thumb. He knew that this was a sign of her being nervous or scared. ‘Does it matter?’
‘Oh, it certainly does. Tell me.’
‘I’m afraid I can’t, Hyde. I promised someone that I wouldn’t.’
‘I can’t trust you if you don’t tell me.’ he said, folding his arms.
‘Very well,’ she said, and sighed. ‘It was about his resignation.’
‘He was planning to resign?’ he said, surprised.
‘Yes, but he didn’t want anyone else to know. Apparently, he was going to leave the company to me. After that, he started coughing, his eyes went white, and he collapsed on the floor. That’s when Damon Black came in, and grabbed me, saying how I had murdered him and such.’
‘Who’s Damon Black?’
‘He’s administer of payroll. Well, that’s my story, Kyle. Do you still think I killed him?’
Kyle Hyde ran his hand through his brown hair, and sighed. He was about to speak, but he was interrupted by a voice saying that visiting hours were over.
‘I’ll talk to you tomorrow after the investigation.’ he said.
‘Very well then. Good night, Kyle.’

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Any good?

 

[Ruby]

'She replied' and 'He asked' and so on shouldn't begin with a capital letter. Check a few books and you'll see.

‘Mr. Biggs was the one murdered, correct?’ he asked.
‘I can’t trust you if you don’t tell me,’ he said, folding his arms.

 

[Kai Lucifer]

Thanks. I'll edit it now.

 

[Eeveelution]

You could add a little more detail to make it longer, but still, pretty good. I'm just kind of curious as to why you have what the characters say in italics. "‘Just… stuff,’ she replied, biting her thumb." That seemed a little odd to me... Overall pretty good, though.