Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it.
So, things have been bad for me the past few months; the death of my nephews, grandma, great grandfather, and numerous other family members and extended friends, even my old dog; my cousin's attempted suicide around Christmas, and now he's living in my parent's house; my land lord being an amazing asshole; breaking up with my boyfriend of two years; losing all my friends; the list goes on.
So, why am I posting this here and not in the CC?
I have no fucking idea.
But things are... well... I can't even explain, but I think it's good. Though I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure.
Hard to explain.
Really hard to explain.
I feel good, better than before. I have more energy and everything's just... better. And no I'm not doing drugs.
I picked up my guitars and just started playing whatever; I've been neglecting my poor babies for years. They all were so out of tune I spent two hours just retuning them and cleaning them up.
Yesterday I played and talked with with my brother on XBOX LIVE (which I haven't touched in two years) , whom I haven't seen since the funerals (and then seven years before that because we grew up in separate families), for almost seven hours. I went out of my way to do this, bring my XBOX over to my parent's who live four cities away (I don't have home internet), bought a LIVE account, updated EVERYTHINGS on my XBOX, and even rented a game that he had that I didn't so we could play online.
I would never have done that before.
I cleaned my apartment. I'm not talking regular stuff. I'm talking POWERHOUSE spring cleaning. No reason... just cause I could.... starting at three in the morning.
I mean... two days ago I went to the ice rink nearby and just started skating, no reason I went just because I could. I skated for three hours, doing laps and killers and training excercises before I stopped. I was even controlling the puck pretty well, and I NEVER was good with the damn thing before. I was a goal tender when I played. It didn't feel like work, like it did when I played for real, it was actually just... fun. It was just something to do, something to focus on. I felt so accomplished when I finally just laid down on the ice and rested.
I haven't been on the ice since before I went to high school.
I've also been eating better, and I've totally stopped drinking soda. Completely. Plus no more energy drinks/juice/ anything not water or milk. in response I've lost a good bit of weight and overall feel better because of that.
I even changed my own oil in my truck.
I went to a movie alone, cause I was bored... and cause I could. I volunteered at two nursing homes (the ones I used to work at in high school). I even applied to donate blood this week. I've NEVER done that. EVER.
I've been writing so much more. I'm running four fanfics at once, while working and DOING STUFF.
Just THINGS I've been doing. I have no reason to do them, none at all. I just do.
I like it. No idea. Just do. I don't have any explaination at all.
I sort of wonder if I've lost my mind. Probably have finally cracked. But I think I can live with this.
So, why am I posting this here and not in the CC?
I have no fucking idea.
But things are... well... I can't even explain, but I think it's good. Though I'm not sure. But I'm pretty sure.
Hard to explain.
Really hard to explain.
I feel good, better than before. I have more energy and everything's just... better. And no I'm not doing drugs.
I picked up my guitars and just started playing whatever; I've been neglecting my poor babies for years. They all were so out of tune I spent two hours just retuning them and cleaning them up.
Yesterday I played and talked with with my brother on XBOX LIVE (which I haven't touched in two years) , whom I haven't seen since the funerals (and then seven years before that because we grew up in separate families), for almost seven hours. I went out of my way to do this, bring my XBOX over to my parent's who live four cities away (I don't have home internet), bought a LIVE account, updated EVERYTHINGS on my XBOX, and even rented a game that he had that I didn't so we could play online.
I would never have done that before.
I cleaned my apartment. I'm not talking regular stuff. I'm talking POWERHOUSE spring cleaning. No reason... just cause I could.... starting at three in the morning.
I mean... two days ago I went to the ice rink nearby and just started skating, no reason I went just because I could. I skated for three hours, doing laps and killers and training excercises before I stopped. I was even controlling the puck pretty well, and I NEVER was good with the damn thing before. I was a goal tender when I played. It didn't feel like work, like it did when I played for real, it was actually just... fun. It was just something to do, something to focus on. I felt so accomplished when I finally just laid down on the ice and rested.
I haven't been on the ice since before I went to high school.
I've also been eating better, and I've totally stopped drinking soda. Completely. Plus no more energy drinks/juice/ anything not water or milk. in response I've lost a good bit of weight and overall feel better because of that.
I even changed my own oil in my truck.
I went to a movie alone, cause I was bored... and cause I could. I volunteered at two nursing homes (the ones I used to work at in high school). I even applied to donate blood this week. I've NEVER done that. EVER.
I've been writing so much more. I'm running four fanfics at once, while working and DOING STUFF.
Just THINGS I've been doing. I have no reason to do them, none at all. I just do.
I like it. No idea. Just do. I don't have any explaination at all.
I sort of wonder if I've lost my mind. Probably have finally cracked. But I think I can live with this.
