In Progress Pokemon Gold adventures (working title)

[Dave Strider]

Yeah, the title sucks.:sweatdrop:
This is my first attempt at a fanfic, so don't expect first class writing. The plot is a trainer travelling Johto, told from the eyes of his Pokémon.

Chapter 1: The beginning

Whoa! What was that? That was weird. One minute I'm having a nice nap, the next I get a weird weightless feeling and when I land, Some kid is staring down at me.
"Hello little fella! What's your name?" Little! I'm not Little! The cheek of it!
"Do you want to give him a Nickname?" Another asks the little kid.
" Yeah. I'll call Him... Toto. Did you hear that, little Totodile? Your name is Toto." Toto. Toto. TOTO! Little... Right. No more Mr nice Totodile! "Tooo!" I shout, Drenching him with water. Ha! Take that!
Wait. That's not right. He's Laughing. Why isn't he annoyed? Weird Kid. He holds up some red object. It looks like a ball. What's he doing with it?
"Toto, return!" he shouts and a red beam comes out. It hits me and i get that weightless feeling again. And then it's dark.

"Go, Toto!" Waah! It's that feeling again. I'll never get used to it. What's that? It's a Pidgey.
"Toto, Scratch attack!" that kid says. Eh, why not. "Toto!" I shout running at the Pidgey and scratching with all my might.
"Piiii!" it shouts, writhing in pain. It starts to run at me, anger in it's eyes. It slams into me hard. Oww! The flippin'...
"Toto! Use Scratch again!" the kid shouts. Right, Time to die Pidgey!
"Tooooodile!" I scream at the pidgey, tring my best to be accurate. I hit and it falls down.
"Piiidgey..." it says. A yellow light envelopes it and the pidgey seems to be transported away. "To?" I say, completely confused. I look at the boy and he's as stuck as I am. He holds up the sphere, the red light covers me and i go to sleep.

 

[Eeveelution]

Well, good for a first attempt. (My first attempt was a seven-chapter story, but each chapter was just a paragraph. ^_^;) You need to work on the length and description, maybe read a few other stories on the forum to get more of an idea of that. Telling the story from the eyes of a Pokémon is pretty original if you ask me, though.

 

[Autumn]

The story's very rushed and sounds somewhat childish; consider lengthening it and while you're at it, add more description. A lot more description. We don't know what the trainer or the Pidgey looks like - for all we know they could be purple flying monkeys. Really, what do they look like? What did the place where Toto found himself first look like? What about the place where he fought the Pidgey? Description is key.

It's an interesting story idea, however, and I think I'll keep watching this fic.

 

[Dave Strider]

Thanks for the advice. I'll revise Chapter 1 tommorow.

 

[Dave Strider]

Chapter 1 Revised: Beginning

Uhh... Where am I? And what was that feeling I just had? It was almost like I weighed nothing. And... and then there was light. It's a white, gleaming room. There's a big table next to me. I haven't been here before. All I remember is darkness. Total Darkness. The only thing I could see was myself.

Who's this staring down at me? He's got black hair, Green eyes, a black jacket, weird jogging bottoms and a blue baseball hat. Definately human.
"Hello little fella! My name is Jack. How are you?" the human asks. Little! I'm not little! I'm big for a Totodile! There's someone else there aswell. It's Professor Elm. He's the one who hatched me.
"Do you want to give your new Totodile a nickname?" Elm says to Jack. Nickname? Is he giving me away?
" Yeah. I'll call him... Toto," he says as he bends down to my eye level,"You hear that? Your name is Toto." Toto. He's called me TOTO! If I wasn't as nice as I am, I would bite his nose. He stands up and pulls out a red and white sphere. What is it?
"Toto, return." He says and a red light erupts from it. The light envolops me and I go back to the darkness.

"Come on out Toto!" I hear in my subconcious, while lying down in the darkness. The light surrounds me again and I end up in a grassy area. I'm up to my nose in grass. Hey, that Jack is there. He bends down to me again and says "Hello again, little guy. We're on Route 29. We're here to do some training against other Pokémon." Training? What's that? " Dile?" I say, trying to give him the idea that i'm confused.
Jack chuckles and says "You fight against other wild Pokémon to gain experience. If you get enough experience you go up a level. If you go up enough levels, you evolve. If you evolve, you get more powerful. See?" I see. Sort of. "Piidgey!"

We look right and there's a Pidgey. It's rather big and sounds like a male. Probably defending it's nest.
"Right Toto! this is what we do! Use Scratch attack!" Jack says. Ok! "Totooodile!" I shout as I rush towards the large Pidgey, arm outstreched. I bring my arm down and strike him.
"Piii!" The Pidgey shouts in pain. It starts to charge at me as fast as it can.
"Watch out Toto!" jack shouts, but it's too late to dodge. It hits me. It retreats because it knows I could get it easier up close.
" Scratch it again Toto!" Jack shouts to me. I sprint towards it again and strike it once more.
It cries out "Piiiiiii." before fainting. A glowing yellow covers it and it dissapears. I look at the human and say "Todileto?" with a bemused expression on my face.He looks back at me, but he looks as confused as me.
"Good work Toto! Brilliant. What was that light though? Oh well. We'll figure it out later." He says. He holds up the sphere again and says "Return." The red light covers me again and I go to sleep.