The Swan Song

[Music Dragon]

The Swan Song

Cold, rusted metal
Soundlessly through fragile flesh
White feathers and stains
Costly is the first and final... swan song

Spastic, she rises
Broken body, broken vow
She turns time to ice
Struggling with her first and final... swan song

Peal in the distance
And a rippling rivulet
Echoes, harps and sighs
Walls rebound the first and final... swan song

Dream overflowing
Pouring onto concrete floor
Thoughts of silence gone
Lying in her first and final... swan song

 

[Taliax]

Wow. I'm not sure if I exactly understand the meaning of your poem, but it's great. I like to write poems, but none of mine are nearly this good.

 

[ultraviolet]

Spastic, she rises

This is the only part of the poem that doesn't seem to fit into the rest... I think the word 'spastic' seems really unelegant in comparison to the rest of the words you use so it sticks out a bit for me.
But then I hate that word, so I'm probably biased.

Anyway, I really like this.

 

[DonKarasuMan]

The ellipses feel out of place, especially when utilised systematically, but that aside, it's a really good poem. I can't really exercise any complaint otherwise, unless you really have more to include (that will not divulge the mystery that's set currently).

 

[jimmyboyacreman]

a bit sombre for my taste, but it really is a great poem - However I don't like the repetion of "swan song" (reading it four times is mundane - I would probably have ended the stanzas with elipsises, then ended the poem as a whole with swan song).

btw I reckon spastic is a fitting word.