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In Progress Dante & Keima (Pokemon story)

W

Waterphire

New member
(First story, and it is pretty original, these two sisters seem to need a story also. Keep in mind that they can change into cats at will)
Prologue

Diamonddapple was hoping she could go back and change what had just happened near the Survival Area, but it was all because she had been in cat form. But she might have been caught also, which made it all worse. Hmm...could Diamonddapple change it? But she was in cat form...-Flashback- Diamonddapple had just finished telling the Pokemon of Stark Mountain something. She eluded sight by Trainers behind rocks, then headed for the Survival Area. But some Trainers spotted her and Pearltail, and then it got bad. Diamonddapple knew that if they were in their Pokemon forms, that the opposing Pokemon would have to suffer many one-hit KO's. So, they fought all the Trainer's Pokemon, but Dante had another trick up her sleeves. She stole all the Poke Balls near her, but now she needed to get out of there. Dante and Keima went into cat form and headed for their home at the Edge of The Void, The Hollow...
 
So I see you've got this fic idea, which seems like some sort of warriors/Pokemon crossover. You're... well, you're actually right to call it pretty original (at first I was skeptical) but there's quite a difference between original and good.

First off: learn the difference between a Prologue and Chapter 1. You're going to continue the story directly from here, correct? Or are you going to start the actual fic at the beginning of the characters' journey? If you're continuing the fic from here, it's not a prologue, it's chapter 1.

Second: is this your first time writing fanfiction? Well, I hate to break it to you, but fanfiction is a lot harder than it looks. :/ See, you've got all these ideas and plots, but when you put them all down there it doesn't look like a story without the things to make it readable: description, characterization, and proper formatting. You just jump right into the story and fling facts hither and yon; "She eluded sight behind some rocks" "they fought all the Trainer's Pokemon" ... there's no description here. You've gotta explain HOW they hid behind the rocks, and HOW the fight went, what Pokemon the trainers used, how these cat-people battled, etc. Otherwise, it's... well, to be honest, I don't know what it is.

Lastly: you really need to explain to your readers why there are two girls that can change into cats, and what the heck is going on in general, because I'm lost and I'd rather not wait for you to write the whole story in order to figure out.

All right, hope something I said in here helps. ^^ Please read my whole post-- I'd hate it if you just skimmed it and all my time writing it went to waste.
 
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