In Progress Dream Realm

[Ridous]

Hi I'm working on a fanfic on several characters I have made and a few "borrowed" ones from the gaming universe, if you can figure some out tell me :P

This story needs alot of criticizing and might need revising in a heavy fashion, so please, don't fear hurting my feelings(no this story sucks though xD). If you find grammatical errors please post where. These chapters will be segmented into 2~3 paragraphs each, so don't expect much. Anyways, onto the story.

P.S. The monologues are within the sentences, it may be deficult to tell who's talking and I'll clear some of it up if I can :O

P.S.S. If you want to know more about the characters, I'll post their bios, and yes, the main character is named after me xD

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Chapter 1: Ruined World I wish I can make this world better.

The skies are dark, the city is at ruin, but still, many people cling onto life as much as they can, as war destroys the world. "I wish I could do something." The sound of someone's voice echoed in my head. "If only I had the power, I would recreate this earth to its once peaceful image." I stared at the wall, wondering if I've gone crazy like the others. "Ridous you want to help me recreate earth?" I nodded knowing it was just all in my head. "Come to the library near center square, me and someone else will be waiting for you there." I got up, and headed to center square, I had no idea there was a library near there.

I arrived at the location where the voice told me; it was magnificent, the library seemed to be brand new, it was not battered with holes, it wasn't missing a rail or column. I looked at the gates, they had a weird mark on them. I ignored it and headed inside. Leering through the lobby of the library, I noticed something strange, I couldn't put it into words, but it was hurting my heart. I walked in struggling to suppress the pain in my chest, I heard the voice again. "We are here, Ridous, I'm at the basement, my friend is at the roof. Chose whom you are willing to recreate earth with." This was ridiculous, it started to sound like one of those anime plots that always annoyed me... but still, the voice sounded serious. I walked further into the library with the pain in my heart still pounding it.

There were to flights of stairs, one heading to the roof; it had what seemed like black wings decorated all over it, while the one leading to the basement seemed to have white thorns all over it, I couldn't touch the rail without my skin getting pierced. Knowing that the voice said that it was waiting in the basement, I headed down. My heart was getting worse, I could hardly focus on the steps, the pain was to great and then I fell. I body was now in more pain than my heart, I stood up and looked forward, I saw a door in front of me. I walked up to it, I didn't care if I was limping, all I wanted to know is why me, and why exactly did I have to come too. I turned the knob and flung the door open, there I saw it, an empty room with nothing but a dusty desk with a book on it. I was laughing, it was to much, I've been pranked. I turned back to the door ready to leave, but I heard it. "Ridous you chose me, the book of bright darkness. To choose me, I'm very impressed, to have darkness inside your heart, and having light as your will..." I turned back and saw the book flapping as it was matching the syllables of the voice. I got freaked and tried to run. The door was gone and the room turned to a blinding white light. "Come Ridous, lets create a wonderful world..."

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Ridous has been hearing this voice and has followed it to the library at center square. Finally finding the origin of the voice coming from a book, it seems like Ridous is now going to make a new Earth. What will happen? Notes: After Chapter 1: Ruined World, I will feature a time-skip of about 500 years or so. =D

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Chapter 2: Making the Next Plan I have to rule all…

“Its been 500 years, I have yet to rule my earth, this is irritating, what have you three been doing?” I looked at my three generals with furious eyes. “I’m sorry King Ridous, but the Liber army is still a difficult opponent to fight and…” I am now even more furious at the hearing of that army. “SILENCE MARTA!” Marta stepped back in fear knowing if she continued with the report she would get punished. “I do apologize your highness but what Marta is saying is true. They are outwitting us at every battle we face them with.” Serene has to be the most understanding of my three generals, but that doesn’t make a difference that they keep losing to an army that belongs to the smallest country on Rydia. “Serene, be ready for another battle, prepare anything you need and take Marta and Ledah with you to teach them how to do battle.” Serene is my top general, she has won most of her battles with hardly any casualties on our side, but whenever she loses it always seems to be do from a solider not following orders. “Very well your highness.” She left, Marta and Ledah followed. I wonder how it’ll turn out this time.

I hated the fact that its been 500 years since I remade earth into Rydia. When that book told me everything about remaking earth…it’s still to heartbreaking to remember it. I wish I had died instead of hearing that voice back then, it’s so wrong to do this but I have no choice. The dark-filled room was broken by the light entering from the door that just opened into my throne room. “Ridous, got a minute?” He stood in front of me half asleep and his hair was so messy. “What is it Ein?” I turned away because every time he came here like that it was always bad. “Got anything to clean up a spill of toxic potion?” I waved my finger and sighed; the carpet below him twirled and flung him outside. He always has to be like this…

Serene was overseeing the men at work and it’s to noisy to even get a wink of sleep. “Lahda, stay awake, you don’t want Serene to report you to king Ridous do you?” I shoved Marta away; she was noisier than the troops scampering around. “Ledah…WAKE UP!” All the troops stopped and looked at me and Marta, why does everything happen to me? Serene got everyone to their duties and Marta was still trying to wake me up. “Martaaaa…leave me alonneeee, I‘ve written to manny reports last night.” Marta pouted and went to help out everyone. That girl, she falls for it every time, or just gives up, I don’t know which it is, but at least she left me. I leaned on the pillar trying to get some sleep, but I guess it won’t happen since Serene let Marta oversee progress. I wonder what kind of plan Serene will make this time…

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What happened? Why is Ridous trying to take over the world? What did we miss during that 500 year skip? And why is war breaking out?
Note: The missing 500 years will be filled within the 19th to the 23rd chapters of Dream Realm. And I need practice on summaries lol

 

[Keta]

Comments
It sounds fairly interesting enough. I think you should elaborate more on the narrator's entrance, his feelings about what has happened and everything. I've watched enough anime to know of bad plotlines; however, many of your readers may not have done so- so, maybe say something like "Being here felt like being caught in the plot of a bad fantasy anime. The mysterious voices, the bizarre scenery, the corny lines... all that it needed to be complete were the hot girls. ((In other words, elaborate on a few things where you can, and through doing so try to give the narrator a personality.))

Critiques
Your first sentence opens with present tense verbs, while your second sentence (and the rest) uses past tense. You should keep the whole thing in one tense, even when setting the scene.

Also, separate dialogue like this:

"blah blah blah" said Speaker A. Speaker A made no sense whatsoever, no matter how hard she tried.

Speaker B gave a quizzical look. He replied "Blah blah blah".

((Basically, separate descriptions and dialogue by speaker is generally the best idea. It's easier to read, and, iirc, is the convention for writing.))

Also, nitpicking again but "center square" is probably a proper noun and should be "Center Square".

In the second paragraph, "weird mark" is a lazy way of putting it... It really doesn't tell the reader (me, at least) much at all. Describe it a little? Also, I don't understand why the narrator is leering- check the definition of the word. In one of the next sentences, it should be "As/while/during the time I walked in [...]", it needs to transition into the next clause.

Third paragraph there is a typo- "to" should be "two". Also, I think the better way of dividing (and possibly describing) the thoughts would be like this:

There were two flights of stairs. One headed towards the roof; it had what seemed like black wings carved all over its surface. The other, leading to the basement, had sharp white thorns jutting out all over it; I could not touch the rail without piercing my skin.

In one of the next sentences, "the pain was to great" should be "the pain was too great".

 

[Dragon]

To start, you make a new line when a different character talks, like Keta says.

The skies are dark, the city is at ruin, but still, many people cling onto life as much as they can, as war destroys the world.

Details, maybe? Why is the war happening, where, who?

"I wish I could do something." The sound of someone's voice echoed in my head. "If only I had the power, I would recreate this earth to its once peaceful image." I stared at the wall, wondering if I've gone crazy like the others. "Ridous you want to help me recreate earth?" I nodded knowing it was just all in my head. "Come to the library near center square, me and someone else will be waiting for you there." I got up, and headed to center square, I had no idea there was a library near there.

'Hey, I'm going to remake the world! Want to help?' Uh, not really something you can pass off as 'voice in the head syndrome'. And.. if a voice told me to go to Center Square, I'd give it a more than bit of thought before going off, you know.

I noticed something strange, I couldn't put it into words, but it was hurting my heart. I walked in struggling to suppress the pain in my chest, I heard the voice again.

Don't use the word 'noticed'! It's for casual walks and noticing birds and passing animals. Use something like 'felt', 'sensed' which is kind of corny, but, the like.

There were to flights of stairs, one heading to the roof; it had what seemed like black wings decorated all over it, while the one leading to the basement seemed to have white thorns all over it, I couldn't touch the rail without my skin getting pierced.

'Flights of stairs' and what colour and design the rails are aren't very descriptive. Are the stairs spiraling, do they fold back and forth, do they have any landings..?

Knowing that the voice said that it was waiting in the basement, I headed down. My heart was getting worse, I could hardly focus on the steps, the pain was to great and then I fell. I body was now in more pain than my heart, I stood up and looked forward, I saw a door in front of me. I walked up to it, I didn't care if I was limping, all I wanted to know is why me, and why exactly did I have to come too.

Great pain= lame description. Uh. Try something stronger, the fetal position, and screaming~

I was laughing, it was to much, I've been pranked. I turned back to the door ready to leave, but I heard it. "Ridous you chose me, the book of bright darkness. To choose me, I'm very impressed, to have darkness inside your heart, and having light as your will..." I turned back and saw the book flapping as it was matching the syllables of the voice. I got freaked and tried to run. The door was gone and the room turned to a blinding white light. "Come Ridous, lets create a wonderful world..."

..Uh? A bit too much to take in in a paragraph >_> You have some trouble with 'to' and 'too', as well.

I'd give you something more detailed, but now I'm late for school >_<

 

[Ridous]

I might give a little spoiler but I think its abit much...anyways, here it goes.

Ridous, the main character isn't really the main character. Plus I forgot to put end notes on the chapter about being a time skip to a later part. The war in the beginning is just part of the scene is just there to tell how bad the environment is and shows how desperate the people are during that time. Final note is that Ridous is really a bad guy later on. :x

I hope I didn't give to much about the story :x

Thanks for the harsh crits, I'll be revising the content on the first chapter, but right now I need to add the second one xD *there will be afew pointless parts in it lol*