• Welcome to The Cave of Dragonflies forums, where the smallest bugs live alongside the strongest dragons.

    Guests are not able to post messages or even read certain areas of the forums. Now, that's boring, don't you think? Registration, on the other hand, is simple, completely free of charge, and does not require you to give out any personal information at all. As soon as you register, you can take part in some of the happy fun things at the forums such as posting messages, voting in polls, sending private messages to people and being told that this is where we drink tea and eat cod.

    Of course I'm not forcing you to do anything if you don't want to, but seriously, what have you got to lose? Five seconds of your life?

In Progress Empty Wounds

Thanks for All the Fish

so long~ and...
Ok guys, this is my first story of...well, anything. It’s about a boy named Scott Lebam, and-well; I don’t want to spoil it.
So, enjoy! Chapter 2 of Empty Wounds coming soon!
---------------------------------------
A tall, lanky child sat solitary amongst the beaten-in, almost prisonlike chain link fence. This was his refuge, the one place he had of overall comfort out in the field. Others around him talked, and chatter in high-pitched squeals, their words almost frozen in the chilled air of early December. Leaning against the fence, the boy was lost, deep in the calming sea of his lone thoughts, trying desperately to soothe himself.
A few minutes later, the bark of, “Line up! Line up!” echoed across the arid concrete field. With reluctance, the boy trudged along, groping at his right wrist, which was throbbing with pain.
Bruised and battered, his wrist was the only sign of “Something’s not right.”
If anyone, anyone at all, asked about the almost whipped-in scars covering the bony exterior, he waved the concern and pity away with a, "Oh, it’s just a couple of scratches I got during football," and a grin. That’s what the “lawyer” told him to say. For his own good. And he listened.
Scott didn't know why, why he listened to the lawyer, why anything like this could even happen in a little Jersey suburbia. It was lunch. While many of the kids sat talked, and chucked mush at each others' heads, the boy sat on the floor of a dank bathroom, his spine pressed against the wall,his empty eyes trained straight ahead. Watching.
For what? he asked himself. Deep in the pit in his stomach, he knew. Angst and fear trembled inside his chest, and he let out a watery sob. The sound was multiplied by the lone walls before him. He cocked his head to the side, a common habit for him. The remains of a grin spread across his face. A thought drifted into his troubled mind. One of the few thoughts that wasn't screwed up for all eternety.
"Wow Dad, the clinic is awesome!" Scott said with that cheesy smile all over him.
James LeBam looked down at his son."Yeah...right. Just make sure you don't go in the ER -that's the emergency room, and pal, you'll just get in the way-or the mourge," muttered Mr. LeBam, giving a tired half-smile back
"That's where the dead bodies are, right, Dad?" Scott whispered, pleased with his newfound language.
"Yes. Oh, and Roggy's office is off limits."
"But Da-ad,Uncle Roger's cool!..I'll get in the way, right?"
"No, it's just that Roggy's..pasionate about his cases." A beep broke the silence, and James looked down."Uh-oh, a code. I'll be back soon, Scooter."
The six-year old grinned.


So, in this bubble of pretend, no one,not even his suspicious parents,knew that every day, at three o clock, Scott was dragged into a torture room, against every ounce of willpower he could muster. He never said anything during these "meetings", for he knew all too well the penalty of the truth: cold blood. No one knew that whoever this "lawyer" was, he was torturing a completley innocent thirteen-year old. Well, almost completly innocent... He didn't know that a secret his own family brought upon him was rendering him doomed for two years.
But hell if he was going to tell anyone.
---------------------------------------
Short, but it's a start.
 
Last edited:
This is his refuge, the one place he has of overall comfort out in the field.
This sentence is in present tense while the rest are in past; might want to change that. ^^

If anyone-anyone at all asked about the almost whipped-in scars covering the bony exterior-he waved the concern and pity away with a, ”Oh, it’s just a couple of scratches I got during football, “and a grin.
I don't quite know how to explain this in words, so I'll just post what I think this should look like... ^^;

If anyone, anyone at all, asked about the almost whipped-in scars covering the bony exterior, he waved the concern and pity away with a, "Oh, it’s just a couple of scratches I got during football," and a grin.
Basically I think you should probably use commas instead of dashes; the dashes work better for the descriptions, such as "whipped-in". If you do choose to use dashes instead of commas, they should have spaces on both sides of them.


That’s what the “lawyer” told him to say. For his own good. And he listened.
So, in this bubble of pretend, no one-not even his suspicious parents- knew that every day, at three o clock, Scott was dragged into a torture room, against every ounce of willpower he could muster. No one knew that whoever this "lawyer" was, he was torturing a completley innocent thirtteen-year old.
But hell if he was going to tell anyone.
This doesn't really make sense to me. If he fights being tortured with every ounce of his willpower, why won't he tell anyone? Why does he listen to this "lawyer" even though he clearly doesn't like what's going on?

The "completely innocent thirteen-year old" kind of interrupts the story for me... it makes your character sound perfect. Characters need to have flaws, otherwise they're boring to read about. Make sure your character doesn't end up perfect. =)

I hope you keep writing this; there's a lot of details that you can expand upon. Where are they? Who is this lawyer? How long has this been going on, and what exactly happens? I'm looking forward to seeing more. ^^
 
Thanks, man!
Well, this was basiclly only a bit of the beginning, but I only had ten minutes left on the public computer. I'm writing the rest soon, and that has a bit more explaination.
 
Sorry this took so long, what with the 13-degree weather and all...X__x
--------------------------
The hours tolled by slowly and painfully. Assignments were assigned to the unaroused public. Chatter rang like a briskly wound music box in the hallways. Detention slips passed out to most kids, who took it with a shrug. All of this passed over Scott's mind like a stone skipping over water, the interaction there, but never quite reaching him. Besides, the main focus of his, was a tan wooden clock, pale and weathered. The sharp ticking became a lifeline for him, as now he could figure how long it was until the next encounter....
----------------
I have much more than this, but unfortunetly, this is all I can write. More by...maybe after Christmas. I'll edit this later.
 
Back
Top Bottom