Feghoots!

[Ether's Bane]

According to Wikipedia:

[A feghoot] is a humorous short story or vignette ending in a pun (typically a play on a well-known phrase) where the story contains sufficient context to recognize the punning humor. It can be considered a type of shaggy dog story.

There'll be more to come in the future, but for now, have these!


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Kevin Jackson was a cruise ship critic from London who wrote for a certain travel magazine. Every time he was sent on an assignment, when he was done, he had to report to his two bosses before he started writing his review. Incidentally, both his bosses were named Tony, though one was very tall and the other was very short. One day, both of Kevin’s bosses sent him on an assignment to review a cruise ship from the cruise line Flend. This ship was to leave England, dock in France and Spain, then return to England. However, when Kevin boarded the ship, he received a rude shock. The deck was not in good condition, some of the rooms had leaky ceilings, the service was below average, and to top it off, the cruise was even more expensive than some better cruises which Kevin had reviewed in the past. Upon his return to England, when Kevin got back to his office, the shorter of his two bosses asked him, “So, how did you find the experience?”

Kevin replied, “Why, little Tony, Flend’s ship is tragic.”

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It was just an ordinary day in Minneapolis, including in one of the cinemas in a local mall. That all changed when a fire started. Everyone started panicking and attempted to escape the burning cinema. Unfortunately, the fire spread quicker than the people could, and almost no one survived the fire. In all, 102 people died in the fire. With all the casualties, it was truly a tragic day, and the state government of Minnesota declared an official day of mourning, complete with an official state funeral. At the funeral, the governor of Minnesota was present to officiate and speak. Meanwhile, the hearses were on the way to the funeral. For some of the deceased, since they were young and having had their first job for just a short time, their bosses decided to attend the funeral. Some of them didn’t know the directions, so they followed the hearses to the funeral. Upon the bosses’ and hearses’ arrival at the funeral, the governor, who didn’t realize that all of those had arrived, asked his assistant what it was.

The assistant told the governor, “Just bosses and hearses, Governor.”

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Evan Thompson had invested in gold. He looked up the price of gold every day, and when the price of gold had reached a high enough price, he intended to sell it all off and make a nice profit. However, one night, his plans took a turn for the worse. A burglar broke into his house and stole all of his gold. Upon discovering this the next morning, he told his wife that he intended to file a police report as soon as possible. His wife dissented, saying, “No, don’t file a police report! This situation calls for vigilante justice.”

Evan was shocked. “Are you crazy? You don’t even know the identity of the burglar, and it probably isn’t safe for you to do this!”

His wife was adamant. “No. This is something which I must do.”

Evan continued to insist that his wife step down from her plan. “It’s not a ‘must’. It’s a want. Stop this idea, and let’s just file a police report.”

His wife said to him sternly, “No. I have to avenge Evan’s gold."

 

[Ether's Bane]

The local zoo had just brought in two otters. Much to the surprise of the zoo’s authorities, the otters soon became the star attraction of the zoo. Many visitors were coming in on a daily basis to look at, and sometimes, take pictures or videos of the otters. One day, a visitor took a video of the otters. After taking the video, he thought nothing of it, but he uploaded it to YouTube on a whim. Much to his amazement, the video went viral, and soon, these two otters were known the world over. Their fame reached such an extent that one day, the CEO of Square Enix sent a message to those in charge of the zoo, asking for the zookeeper to be filmed carrying the two otters to be used as a basis for a shot in an upcoming video game, because Square Enix wanted to make a reference to those two now-famous otters in it.

Upon hearing this request, the zookeeper was incredulous. “This is an absolutely ridiculous request!” he fumed. “I can’t believe that I have to carry otters and record them for the Enix!”

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Two detectives were investigating a crime scene and taking note of the evidence.

“Jane, take a look at this.”

“What is it, Steve?” Jane walked over to look at the evidence.

Steve pointed to the spot where the assault happened. “There’s a set of false teeth here, and it’s stained with blood. I’m pretty sure that the assailant used it to commit the crime.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure! What else could it be? Anyway, do we have any other evidence here?”

Jane shook her head. “Unfortunately, no. We should take this to the investigation lab. Maybe the guys there can shed more light on this.”

After the set of false teeth was taken to the lab and inspected, the results soon came in. It turned out that on the false teeth were traces of gin, as well as small bits of steak.

Steve was intrigued by this finding. “So we can conclude that part of the assault was a bite using these false teeth, and just before the incident, the assailant ate a steak and drank gin.”

Jane agreed. “I guess this is a denture crime with gin and steak.”